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I thought I would post this and see what you have to say.
I am not having any sex with my husband right now. We haven’t had sex for a few months. I made the huge mistake of letting myself go there with him, and I know my reasons for it. I wanted to pretend, that things were normal, and that this shit storm did not hit my life. I also missed him. I am very attracted to him and I have needs too.
Now, I cant even think about getting close to him…I guess it took time and more disclosure to surface to make me kind of sickened by the idea of it.
Our CSAT said the basic guideline is that there is complete abstinence for the SA for at least 90 days. No sex, no porn, no masturbation etc. Plus, they must be in therapy and lots of it.
Then when that time comes, it is still up to the partner, if they are READY or not. So, it is not so cut and dry. For some people, it is a year or years.
So, I am asking….if you are with your SA….are you having sex. What are your comments about this issue.
thanks! 🙂P.S. I am sorry if I posted this in the wrong place. I am new. Wasn’t sure where this topic belonged.
Hi SD. Don’t worry, there is no “wrong place” to post a topic. 🙂 I am still with my H – sort of. We separated after DDay in August 2012 but he still comes home most weekends. We are not having sex and have not since DDay. When he is at home he sleeps in the guest room. I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to have sex with him (or anyone) again. He is the only man I have been with and somewhere between the massive amounts of porn, the obsession with keeping statistics on porn stars (by the hundreds), two affairs and 8-10 “relationships” with strippers, my attraction to him and my confidence in my own sexuality were virtually destroyed. Will this ever change? I don’t know but not in the foreseeable future.
I had sex with SJ when I thought there was hope. I am not going to beat myself up for that. I wouldn’t do it now for a million bucks. Well, maybe for a million. No less.
I’m divorced and am not having sex with my xh. Now I just have sex with 3 people: me, myself, and I. Sorry if TMI…..
No sex for 1 and a half years now. When I first found out about the affair, I wanted to have sex all the time. Then I found out it wasn’t a one time deal. He’d been screwing around for years, and reconnected with his fuck buddies after he’d witnessed the devastation I had experienced. I felt pathetic, so pathetic. Its hard to even think about how screwed up I was.
H feels like a martyr. Loves telling me, his friend, and therapist how much he’s sacrificed, and with no guarantee of a reunion. WOW! I just can’t have sex. I feel so used. I’d rather sell my body for money… at least I’d have something to show for it, and wouldn’t be delusional enough to believe it was love.
Sorry SD, I’m having a bad day.Dreams, this is a really great questions. I can’t post from experience since I left right after D day but I couldn’t imagine wanting to ever touch him again (and I was incredibly attracted to him before that). But I will echo what some of the other women have said. I have needs but I honestly can’t imagine having sex. What STBXH did messed me up so bad I don’t know if I can recover. Even before I knew what was happening it always felt like there were other people in the room when we were having sex. Like somehow I got tricked into group sex without knowing it. It was a horrible horrible feeling. Then there’s the idea that my SA would come home after whatever he’d done and have sex with me. I feel used. It’s a special kind of mindfuck for sure.
Yes Kat, I had a variation of that too. I won’t go into detail because it would be too triggering for some of us (including me) but my H bought “us” a toy and had a very specific pattern that “we” always followed. Every time we had sex it was prefaced by what I realized after the fact was a time period when he got his fantasy going in his mind before he touched me. The pattern disturbed me because there was very little interaction between me and my H – it was mostly me and the toy. It was physically satisfying but emotionally dead. Little skin to skin contact, no kissing, etc. And here’s the real mindfuck. When I finally read all the through the letter to his first affair partner which I found on one of the flash drives, it became clear that the fantasy he was acting out on me was HER fantasy. And her fantasy was all about having as little contact with him as possible. How could he not see that? Even if he gets or stays “sober” from here on out, there is no way I can get that knowledge out of my head short of a lobotomy. Another bell I can’t unring.
Thanks for the honesty and replies. I totally understand what you are all saying. I feel so irritated and hopeless about everything. Just fed up.
I too, in a state of shock, or something really weird, had a lot of sex with my husband after I thought he was only addicted to porn…..then when I found out the really bad shit, I went into a coma almost. Now I am hyper vigilant. I did have sex with him once while on vacation (yes we still went on the planned getaway) and it was a huge mistake. For me anyways.
I am just trying to think if I will ever be able to do that again. My body is precious and he didn’t care about it for years while acting out with all those hookers, escorts, street walkers, whatever or whoever they all were.
I am just wondering IF ANYONE is in a relationship with their SA and have found a way to accept, the past, and is still having a marriage that includes sex.It’s been years since I’ve had sex with my SA and I don’t see e ever trusting another man to be that intimate with me.
I’m severely damaged in that respect and I just feel safer this way. Maybe this will change someday, I don’t know. It will be a nice surprise if that happens. Right now it’s the least of my worries.
Liza, just try to be honest and say it like it is sister!!!! LOL
We abstained for about 90 days after D-Day, but 42 of those he was in treatment. That was a year and a half ago.
Dear Dreams and others. Don’t worry if you f–ked his brains out after discovery…it is actually a VERY common reaction oddly enough. We cannot push a button and just instantly stop loving them…even when we are shocked to the core. We are used to truning to our husbands for comfort. Sex is comfort. It is also a very good way to deny reality….as we have learned first hand from them. As time goes on and the truth sinks in (and that can actually take some doing) our feelings for them change. Often we are too hurt or too angry or too scared to have sex with them. During that period we may not want them anywhere near us. As your feelings die you become very detached. At that point (where I am) you could probably go back to having sex with them. Sometimes I think about it. I know it would not hurt me emotionally because I am no longer emotionally involved with him. But in the end…it would be very similar to having sex with “BOB” and Bob doesn’t have any baggage so……. One thing is sure. They do a real number on our sexuality. Then again, they do a real number on our lives and that is an even bigger consideration. In any event, depending on what they are into, you have to consider disease and if you want one.
i did get a little close to him once right after d day (not full out sex, but some sex) after years of no intimacy before d day. such a messed up situation! i think it was a weird power play on my part. or grasping at straws. unfortunately i grapsed his tiny straw. 🙁 not a moment i’m proud of. that was it though. haven’t even kissed him since.
now i will never have sex with DW. i just can’t fathom having to use, or thinking i should use, a condom with my husband. that is one of the many things that make it a fat chance in hell.
now… vlad, the russian (and pretty much perfect) olympic swimmer that works on my house? well if given the opportunity…. 🙂
i texted daisy a picture of vlad… oh vlad… 🙂
but seriously, i think i’ll take it easy in that department for a while. they mess us up. doesn’t have to be permanent though. i won’t let him take that from me forever!
yes, i had sex with my SAXBF after i found out about his addiction. i did not really know the details of what he had done. i thought maybe if our sex life was better… you know the drill. once i learned more about what had actually happened, sex became really confusing. i was alternately disoriented and grossed out by his body and sexual intimacy with him. i had a lot of anger and a lot of emotional pain, disgust, shame, rage – during sex. disturbing images. heartbreak. disbelief. sex would trigger all kinds of emotions, memories, etc. at times i thought about pulling a Lorena Bobbitt. i think i actually bit him kind of hard a couple times in anger… sorry if that’s tmi.
immediately after disclosure – he had been sober for about 4/5 months – we did not have sex for a little over 2 months after disclosure. he was abstinent during that time. i had taken space, gone no contact for a period of that, and done a lot of emotional healing. to the point where i was somewhat emotionally detached and able to physically enjoy the sex. it was his first time having sex after going through a physical withdrawal from his “addiction” and it was emotionally very intense for him. a strange experience and a weird contradiction, having him so emotionally engaged and me feeling like my body was separated from my head and heart.
eventually, after months of his sobriety and working towards greater transparency and trust, etc – it did get better. i was able to open up more during sex.
but i can honestly say, even after 13 months of his sobriety it was never really the same. i never got back to feeling open, trusting – the way you open your heart and body to someone you love and trust – i never got there again with him. i would sometimes doubt his motives for sex or affection. what a weird thing to feel during sex with your committed partner.
i don’t know if that would have improved over time had we stayed together, or if i always would have felt that way.All really good insight and points.
I too wonder if I will get somewhat detached, and will want to be physical, I am not there right now, and I would need to see a lot of remorse and continued hard work on his issues. I guess only time will tell. It is just sad, because I am a sexual person, and I loved having those times with him before. I feel like my sexuality has been stolen from me as well.I am a sexual person too. in reading between the lines…I think many of us were. But I am SO with Daisy on her point. You simply cannot unring the bell…no matter how many times you attempt to stuff the bell cord. It is really sad. For us. It is really sad. If you want a normal sex life, I think you have no choice but to attempt it with someone else other than them. As I have mentioned on more than one occasion…there are simply too many other people in the bed. 🙁
Yes, right now I feel like the 40 women (he has admitted to over a period of about 6 years) are in our bed. 🙁
It is so traumatic for sure. I was just reading some old posts on the site and saw a thread about how reclaiming our territory after hearing about the infidelities. That is exactly what I was doing….I wasn’t sane when I was doing this….and the sex was fantastic. Very intense and very satisfying. I am embarrassed to say that, but it is true. From a purely physical and raw sense. Not true intimacy or love. I will admit that.I have had sex with my H. Currently, I am not. IF I do then I do. I don’t put much stock in it one way or the other.
SD, having sex at first is very normal. Sex is always better after some heightened emotional trauma. People have lots of sex after earthquakes and hurricanes etc…….lots of babies born 9 months after a disaster 🙂
It’s also “better” because just as the SA finds the forbidden sex so much more thrilling, on some level we know we shouldn’t be having sex with them and we do anyway….it becomes “forbidden” and much more intense.
I wouldn’t worry about it. When this all sinks in then you will discover that sex with him is embarrassing, pathetic , and not all that great. It’s okay if you choose to do it anyway but it will become way less than what you want or need.
Most all of us were/are very sexual. I had ( thought I had) an immensely good sex life. I have done what Daisy said ( reviewed the sex in my head) and picked up on patterns that seemed they were “ours” and comfortable and special. Now I know the truth and I have decided in hindsight that he is just not “all that” in bed 🙂
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