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To quote my Irish mother “Life is a veil of tears.” 😉 But you know…I don’t believe that. I think life is a gift. I may not be living the life I planned BUT I still plan on living a life…one way or the other. Is true it isn’t easy…my marriage isn’t what I hoped it would be, my kids are living their own lives, I don’t have it all worked out. BUT. I have many good days among the bad and I am inclined to lean towards Bev’s way of thinking. We got a shit deal. No doubt about that. And the coming out the other side can be arduous. But these men are idiots. I’m not prepared to be unhappy and stressed out forever over an idiot. I’m just not. I would like to have mad sex with Gerard Butler but lets face it. He is probably a right dickwad himself. 😉 These days, I am more interested in adding more meaningful women into my life rather than men. With a couple of good girlfriends in one place…I think I will be just fine. For whatever a loser my H turned out to be…I had MANY years of great sex and thinking I was living the dream….When I am in my rocking chair I will still have those days of innocence. Is not my fault he was a fraud. I was authentic and I was VERY happy for many years.
For goodness sakes. Diane is a Goddess and Trish is so warm and full of grace and courage. If you two have self esteem problems, the rest of us may as well give up?? It is always really hard to take the high road, girls. That is why I stay on the low road. 😉 But if you are going to take it….you may as well pat yourself on the back at each milestone. Women like you are goodness personified. The world is a better place because you walk on it. You are NOT sad. Not at all. Its just fucking hard some days.
I love and respect both of you immensely.Karen, that was a really great post for me. That’s how I feel about my life. I had a wonderful life – full of love and sex and wonderful feelings of “fullness”. I can’t believe the depth of betrayal, or despair, or whatever the name is that can encompass what I feel. It was all so good, and I felt on top of the world, and now I feel like I married the biggest loser.
All of our self-esteem has been damaged, but we need to remind each other that we are superb; our sa’s are f-ed up, not us. (I’m cleaning up my language for the new sisters). Actually, what I’d like to say is that the mother fucking pieces of shit that have fucked up our lives beyond measure have fucked up our realities so badly that we good women need fucking anti-anxiety medication when we otherwise probably wouldn’t. We wouldn’t need to fucking talk to a trauma councilor; we wouldn’t need to check in on a support group for other wounded women. Fuck all of this.
Sorry for my rant. This site has been a little too proper for my liking. 🙂
Love you all! AliI meant that ‘this site has been a little too proper for my liking” LATELY (the word
that I forgot to include).This, “I had a good life” experience. I did not have that.
It reminds me of child molesters where the victims enjoyed the love, attention and sexual feelings. It is so confusing and deeply traumatizing for the victim to realize that they were not the special one and they were groomed and being used by a perp.
These perps, when caught, go to jail and big payouts are sometimes made.
Really, how are our situations different……..except no “crime” has been committed. And, therapists allow us to continue to be abused? How can we heal when there is no hope of justice? And, these creeps get legal access to our kids. MY GOD!
We have to heal, because we have to, dammit!!!!!!
Oh Karen, I guarantee that Gerard Butler must have something wrong with him because I thought he was handsome for years!
New crush is Michael Fassbender, who I’m also sure is totally messed up.
I support the f word. <
that’s my inane comment for today.People heal all the time without “justice”. Many criminals get away with crimes. The victims have to heal anyway. The other choice is to ruin the rest of your life over it.
We are not like child victims. We are grown women. We were not forced to marry these guys and we are certainly not forced to stay with them. We had a large part of our lives ( most of us) stolen by lies. We were conned. It doesn’t mean that there were no good times or that our lives were meaningless. We just happened to choose “lemons”. Maybe we should have checked under the hood a little more closely but we did our best and they turned out to be a very bad deal. That is NO reason to give up everything else in our lives that is good. It is not reason to just quit.
Yes, there are good days and there are horrible, nightmare days. It is up to us to do what is best for us now that we know the truth. Our lives won’t be the same. We won’t be the same. That’s okay. We don’t have to have everyone “get it”. We do not have to have everyone understand or even know about it. We have each other. We can get a therapist to listen so we can vent.
Some of us, like Teri, have to live this nightmare over and over because of our children. That’s a shit deal for sure. We can only do our best. Take those small steps to get where you need to be. Don’t worry when you fall back a few steps. Accept the anger and the sadness. Don’t give them the rest of your days. They really are not even close to worth it. Whether we stay, go, or get entangled in endless legal battles , don’t give them any more thought than is completely necessary.
In the big scheme of things, they and their dicks are so small.
Have a good day ladies 🙂
Bev, I agree with all you have said. I respect you for “being there”. You are a beacon for us.
The devil is in the details………it is in the getting from where we are, in the context of our experiences, to where we need to be.
Healing without justice may happen all the time, but for most, the task of healing with that additional burden is enormous. Probably has caused more suicides than we care to think about. Certainly it has contributed to thousands upon thousand of people’s addictions to substances, to be chronically mentally I’ll for life, etc., etc.
Not everyone is so fortunate to heal. In many ways, we here at SOS are the lucky ones. I feel a reach towards justice here.
Also, these guys risk our health with STDs and this is potentially life threatening. This is legal?
My line of thinking is part of my absolute rage. And, based on my professional in nursing life advocating for socially at pregnant woman and teens.
I am genuinely sick of my trauma story with my ex. The problem is that my life is now mired in a daily scratching for income, which at age 57 is humiliating every single day. So I face the very real and practical consequences of his 30 year betrayal and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. The dailiness of this humiliation is what wears me down. I have worked like a bugger all my life, and here I am, now living off a loan from my mother that I will never pay back. But every day I realize I have to show up in my life anyway, and I do. I choose to live each day as well as I can. This is not about me not getting over it, or on with it, or clinging to some need for justice. It’s about a practical truth that some of us can’t get on with our lives because we have been financially devastated by divorce. When there’s nothing much to divide, the best lawyer in the world makes no difference. Self esteem takes a big hit when every day is about the consequences of that. It’s my own fault. Every important decision I made was the wrong one. It’s not about blaming anyone else. It’s about my daily reality. Self-esteem is directly related to a person’s ability to make their way in the world, however modestly. IMO.
I am certainly not denying the pain of any part of this. I am not denying the injustice of it. I am not saying that we just wake up the morning after and start all over without a care in the world. I hope that came through in my post.
My only point was to say that we should try our best to believe that we do have a life, to know that our life is meaningful, and to just do our best in general.
It happened and we can’t change it. It sucks and there is no way around it. Some of us are just beginning, some are further along, and some future new sister is out there yet to discover she is in the middle of a fucking nightmare. We can’t offer hope that an SA will change. We can’t offer hope that all can be forgiven and life will just go on as normal. We can offer hope that it is possible to reclaim our own lives as best we can.
I agree Diane. Money puts a big hickey on this. If I wasn’t worried about money, I’d be dancing in the streets (I do anyway when it’s dark out). Seriously, its definitely impactful on our lives. I’m happy your mom gave you money, I’m dealing with letters and phone calls where mine wants $20k and she’s very comfortable financially. She knows I’m not. Yet she wants it anyway. I can’t pull it out of my a** and I tried (for myself not her).
I do think life is a gift and we should live it with as much gusto as possible and I don’t mean monetary gusto. Most of Lifes pleasures and enjoyment cost nothing and I want to experience them. Often these things are ‘passed by’ because we may be too busy to notice or too attached to material things. There is a saying ‘When you lose everything, that when real life begins’. I believe that because it’s genuine and simple. Its not disorted by ‘things’ and status. “Do small things with great love”. Mother Teresa. She worked with the poorest of the poor. She often said of all her worldly travels the happiest people she knew were some of the poorest people. They didn’t have or even know about material possessions they were happy with what little they did have and shared what little they had with each other. They love their families which were close knit families. No one was trying to extort money from one another or triangulating with other family members. I realize too many of the truly poor suffer daily with illness and starvation and fear of genocide.
I think we should make the best of what we have. Like Bev and Karen said we shouldn’t give up one minute of our life to these losers. Make a list of all your good qualities and read it outloud. There will be so many and you will feel so good about yourself. We are great women in so many ways.
Interestingly enough Diane I understand COMPLETELY how you feel though I opted for another self esteem crusher. Continued financial dependance on a man who didn’t deserve me. I struggled with that choice for so long it left me totally stuck. I couldn’t believe a woman like me was looking at the options and choosing that one. In the end, it was actually something Bev said to me that helped me shift my focus. I felt I wanted him to “get his” but at my own expense. And I do believe it would have been at my own expense because I do believe my husband would have crashed and burned financially and taken me down with him. And of course, it wasn’t just going to be me…it was going to be my youngest who needs a kidney and eventually my disabled sister who needs my support also. I thought long and hard and looked under every crack but finally I KNEW I had to make a choice and stop living in limbo because my entire life was being used up trying to figure out a graceful way out of the situation. Something that would make me a Goddess. I didn’t find it. I looked at the prospect of being broke and not having any security and decided he wasn’t doing that to me too. Reading on here also helped me choose. I read about other women getting completely f–ked over and it
terrified me. So I decided on the low road and finally began to feel like I was getting somewhere. I felt I could handle my husband and I knew I would never give him the upper hand again. He knows that money is the only hold he has on me so he is very careful not to jerk that chain….or any other chain. i learned that he needs me WAY MORE than I need him. I forgave myself (most days) for settling because I think I did the best I could within the time frame I was given. I know I am strong but I didn’t want to add financial struggles to all the other struggles and I am at peace with my decision. I don’t know that I will be with him forever. Not at all. But I am with him for now and I try to do the best with that. I have so much admiration for you and Nap(and all the others) because you both knew it would be so hard financially and you took the leap
anyway. We all do the best we can but I REALLY don’t think you should be down on yourself because you were conned by a damaged man. None of this is your fault. Let the people who love you help you… as you have helped so many others?Love Karen
Great post Diane. Our circumstances and perspectives are so individual. Your struggles combined with your honesty, dignity and level of giving here are inspiring.
How I wish things could be different for you. The stress has got to take a terrible toll. And yet, you choose upward motion towards a solution and increased self esteem. 🙂
For about 3 1/2 years I experienced fear of financial stress as a result of the abuse, betrayal, etc. Most of you have heard most of this story before.
Not only did it (financial fears) interfere with every aspect of my life, it made me tempted to take my life. Suicidal ideation (no actual planning) infused my reality 24 hours a day for a long, long time. I sought therapy right away because I knew!this was a huge red flag. Still there flashes of the same.
And, 12 Step was my remedy? Tried it. Story for another post.
While nobody ever feels sorry for me for this………..my mother, after a lifetime of obsession with Yosemite, was fortunate enough to buy property here (1971). The property was fairly inexpensive, we were poor, she was clever………
She was plagued with emotional devastation for a variety of reasons, mostly sexual abuse and resulting trauma in nature. I feared she might die young from her poly substance. She did. 57.
At the age of 32, with a family and career in Oregon, I was handed the job of handling her estate. The problems were numerous, including the property she had here. She let it fall into such disrepair that it needed to be demolished. I was approached by a number of people who wanted to get it for a song.
Long story short, I knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, my mother meant for the property to remain in the family for all future generations to enjoy.
I turned myself inside out, since 1991, to achieve that goal by developing a business here and use that enterprise to provide support to my only surviving sibling, a schizophrenic.
SA RAT was not part of the endeavor except indirectly, peripherally, or so I thought. He made a legal argument for commingling of assets, while hiding some of his. The business was part of our retirement income plans. My brother has had and will have stable and safe housing for life. Enough said.
SA RAT betrayal included legally tapping into the value of the business. I was appalled. He was successful. And, it has effectively annihilated my mother’s wish to keep it in the family. He was well aware………
There are about 300 homeowners in the Park. There are about 4,000,000 visitors per year. EVERYONE seems to get jealous. Gets old and it is understandable.
I felt I needed to sell it after the divorce because of PTSD and that after doing all the “right” moves for others, I needed to just focus on me. Starting over to protect this property for my kids was just more than I felt capable of.
I put tons of work into evaluating this decision to sell and doing it responsibly on my brother’s behalf.
My sweet BF watched me try to lease or sell it and as he felt it might actually sell, so. offered to buy my brother’s half at fair market value.
It remains to be seen as to whether the property stays in my family. Working to let that go. My kids are OK with what I did but they may well be too young to understand the rarity of owning a property like this.
The financial stress has ended but my lifetime security is in question. I just cannot get married to save this property for my family or,for my lifetime security. Now sweet BF and I are working on estate and end of life issues. Have had a few big meltdowns.
Am trying to just let go, give in, be fair,to,John and rest (or hike). We are in a process of getting all the legal options laid out. John saw two lawyers and his financial consultant yesterday while in Oregon for a funeral. I have been here on my own for a week. Reading, reading, reading about Living Trusts, property tax issues, etc.
John’s interest? That we have a loving relationship for life. I am unable to commit fully due to fear but I am mostly there in spirit anyway. He is ok with that. We are moving forward.
Don’t mean to bore everyone. Just need to vent, talk and process. If you don’t feel sorry for me, no worries. I just have so few peers here in Yosemite to discuss any of this with. I am in a continual process of evaluating the business opportunities here, finding peers………….and resting.
John is very level headed and so far has been a great business partner. He respects what I have done to date. The business was very successful until the recession. Now it is moderately successful and we are successful in arranging house trades.
Think I got most of this out of my system for today. Thanks for listening.
It seems like there is a lot for all of us to get out of our systems, Desiree!!
I’m glad we are able to share the self-esteem challenges, choices, and even a few victories along the way. There is no way for most of us to avoid these things. And becoming a goddess is always and only about lovely yourself and acting accordingly. This is the last place that sanctimonious moral stories qualify you for anything! Goddessness is always and only about loving yourself because you are holy, sacred, and full of God/dess.
What I know is that the dailiness of failure to provide for yourself kills the human spirit, a version of which is also the poison that you understand in your own way, Karen. In my case, the basic insecurity is a constant, and on a bad day I can slip into that place of being ready to move on, like you Desiree. It requires a fierce commitment to love my life when my life seems to be so inconvenient to the circumstances, so arbitrary, so useless. But that’s what it is—a decision that I will love and value my life regardless.
I will tell myself it matters that I keep breathing and showing up. I will determine the world is better because I am it. And at the end of the day, I pat myself on the back for staying in the game. It’s a very base level thing. And I know that there are a number of women here who are in this place with me right now, and some who visit it from time to time.Our stories are the same and yet different. We work with what we have. I really haven’t encountered too many wallowers here, just women in a mighty struggle to survive.
A mighty struggle indeed.
Think a lot about how laws have gradually changed to better protect woman and children from abuse. Finding myself longing for that type of solution here.
None of the improvements in protective laws have come without struggle. Wondering where I might be able to contribute in this struggle when I am stronger. Bet JoAnn has a few ideas.
Putting one foot in front of the other…………in gratitude for SOS and all the good remaining in my life.
Love reading everyone’s posts.
I try to take the high road because the low road is so damn crowded….
but sometimes, like when I blacken my MIL’s teeth in the pics I’m sending down to my ex, or write editorial comments on the back of them, I’m willing to face the crowds.Ripped his face in half of every pic I found. Kept the part of the pics that showed my sweet little boys……….unless SA RAT had a body part in the pic.
Thinking that is the high road. Will be damed if any record of him remains in my life. Except, I am keeping the divorce decree:) Just love that record.
I do really LOVE all you girls. I do. When I arrived at SOS all I saw was a barren landscape ahead of me. But through being here and my own resolve…I now see the odd wildflower blooming. I see potential in my life. I see hope and laughter and the potential for some contentment and peace. I see that I am not my husband, or his actions or his problems. They impacted me terribly because I had a huge emotional investment in him and in us. He killed that investment. Now I invest in myself and the ones I care for. Sometimes he benefits in small ways from that. Suppose that is the reason he sticks around.
Bev….I have to say…I love that and it doesn’t get any lower. How great is that? 😉Karen, I’d say your investments, in you, are paying off in spades. So glad that you can continue to care for the ones you love. That’s so important.
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