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Forgive me sisters as I work through issues that seem too enormous to conquer on my own. I am real, I am human, there are good things about me and not so good things. I often get so deep in a thought that it takes me time to process all of the variables. Originating from the “Married…” site, I have watched with fascination the SOS site evolve into our own little society. It is a small micro plasm of the bigger world representing the various opinions, personalities and experiences of the wider population narrowed down to a common denominator that brings us together. The ebb and flow of all of us mixed together here bring a unique flavor to the problems and experiences that make us who we are.
It has been on my mind that I find myself to be somewhere in the middle of the vast array of feelings expressed here on the site. I have been questioning some of my internal reactions to what others experience and post about. So it is in that light that I ask the following: Is it normal to compare yourself to others here on the site and if it is, should we keep in mind the human element involved with those comparisons?
Ok so what am I saying? I am saying that I believe that I have reacted to others experiences in a way that perhaps is selfish and self serving. If I have been doing this, I think that it is human nature and others have done the same thing. Does this make us wrong? NO! But I think that it is an awareness level that deserves some merit and thought. Sometimes when the tensions between us sisters get tight, it is the personal experience that is often affecting the reaction. If someone has a different experience than us, we can react by critiquing their response. This critique can come off as negative when deep down there is something else happening. I believe that all of us are here with good pure intentions and that is a beautiful thing. Sometimes we need to be reminded when our “humanness” gets in the way of our support.
My thoughts are that each of us are so close in the situation that we find ourself in, and at the same time so far away. The validation that we get here is what has saved my life in terms of having others understand the rotten, decomposed poison of betrayal that invades the lives of the spouse of an SA. I get so offended when those who do not understand our experience, describe it as a simple infidelity.
Borrowing this comparison : To compare our situation this way would be to say that someone who is convicted of accidental manslaughter is similar to someone convicted of mass murder.
What ever we are dealing with here, it is something to be understood at a level that is beyond what the experts have been able to decipher. Perhaps there are things in our human nature that are reserved to be understood only upon our passing. It is a bumpy road that we are on and the detours have landed us here together. As we continue on this journey together we can offer comfort to those that are bumping along at a different pace than ourselves. The bumps are still there for each of us and how we fall is going to depend on the angle of our being, the speed that we are traveling and the unexplained variable that seems to make the stone ricochet in a different direction for any numerous scientific reasons.
I am sad for the place that I am in right now. I am still hurting, raw and disoriented. Some may say that I should be further in my journey while others will understand my pain. Depending where we find ourself in that particular moment will determine how we might respond to what is happening to someone else in the journey. Add all of the different personalities and you have a melting pot of emotions. Add the fact that some of us want to save others when we think they are on the same path of destruction that we have been on, frustrations become thick. Add the fact that the projection of fall for some of us might not be as steep, and perhaps the climb back might come sooner adds a level of guilt that comes from the envy we might be experiencing. All of these things have to be considered as we move through this jungle. I think we are doing a great job given the multi faceted dimensions that is involved here.
Cindy honey, you are so hard on yourself. And I relate to that so well, as I’ve been told only a zillion times that I’m the same way. Of course it’s normal to compare ourselves with others. We come here with our own histories, our own personalities, our own individual strengths and weaknesses, different ages and levels of physical and mental health, yet we share a bond of basic understanding of what this kind of hellhole feels like. I have never been as impressed on any forum or in any group as I’ve been with the sisters here.
A while back Diane posted this beautiful verse from a hymn, ‘We are pilgrims on the journey,’ that brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. I saved it to my journal because it touched me so much:
“Sister let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you,
pray that I may have the grace to let you be my servant, too.
I will hold the Christ light for you in the nighttime of your fear
I will hold my hand out to you, speak the words you long to hear.
I will weep when you are weeping, when you laugh I’ll laugh with you
I will share your joy and sorrow till we’ve seen this journey though.”Hi Cindy (and all!),
Miss you girls so much! I have been soooo ridiculously busy I have neglected my participation in the sisterhood but you are all still in my heart and on my mind on a very regular basis. I will type a catch up post soon, so I don’t hijack this awesome post you have here. I just want to jump on and say that I completely understand what you mean and I agree with you 100%!
I have found that besides simply being busy in my new life, and barely a chance for a little downtime, I have snuck a peek on SOS A few times… But have chose to lay low for awhile for many of the reasons you have stated above. Ultimately, I want to be a pioneer sister of support…someone who understands and validates…. Someone who can show what life after SA can be. At the same time, I don’t want to make others feel bad or guilty and I certainly don’t want to sound judgmental in my (sometimes) closed mind opinions.I am soooo disheartened by all the new sister’s who have joined but am also so happy that they have found this group. I read the stories and I cry, sometimes wanting to vomit or punch something. It is all so close to home, if you know what I mean.
I admire all of you who can take a new sister (or be patient with a veteran) and hold her hand through the entire process when I want to scream RUN! Every. single. Time.
I hope to return on a more frequent level when I feel I have something to offer – which needs to be more than just taking MY experience and insisting that it will be each sister’s experience which of course is not true.
So yeah, I really connected with this post and I just want to say hello and I love and miss you all and hope to be back with you sooner than later!
Much love,
SL
Thanks ladies!! I will have time to post an update tonight!! Hate to hijack Cindy’s post!!! Miss you bunches!!!
Cindy – so true.
If I can add to your very eloquent post…
What I see that happens on SOS is that the pain of betrayal is so great…. for those that have gotten out with their sanity, the relief is so welcomed that it’s only natural to help guide others to the path.
What I see as the main benefit of SOS, besides telling our stories and supporting each other along the way, is to help guide each and every sister to the *real* path of healing and that is to focus on ourselves. It’s natural for us to try and figure out where the tsunami came from and to heal from being battered while we held onto the nearest tree for dear life, and to wonder if another one is coming. But the real healing comes when we climb to higher ground (or travel inland) and turn our backs to the ocean, heal, find ourselves and enjoy our lives without the fear and trauma of tsunamis.
Since I’ve moved from CA to SC, everyone asks me: “aren’t you afraid of hurricanes?”. I just laugh and say – not at all!! At least you know they’re coming. I think that SA is like earthquakes (or tsunamis) – we all didn’t see it coming. Some of us are still holding onto a tree for dear life, some are pondering where it came from and why, and others are finding higher ground (or traveling long distances away from the ocean) and healing. For those of us who are on higher ground but still near the ocean, the problem becomes – will another tsunami hit and if so, will we have enough time to get out of the way?
Deb
Deb, that’s exactly what I tell my friends in CA- at least you can see the hurricane coming and batten down the hatches.
Earthquakes and tornadoes that can hit out of the blue are the things that give me nightmares (usually where I can’t get to my kids).
STBX is like the earthquake that never ends.
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