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“He may never realize how fucked up he really is.”
Wow, that’s a profound statement and a huge thing to accept. You have my admiration for grasping that, I still have moments when I think my SA has GOT TO know he is not any recognizable shade of normal, and I get shocked again as a result every frigging time.
There have been a lot of “hell no you don’t” moments in this process, for me. But it was completely different when the love died. Like ice in my veins. My love (or was it my hope that I still might want to love?) for my SA flatlined 10 weeks ago.
It wasn’t when he emailed that suicide note on October 25, 2012. I didn’t know for 4 days if he was alive or dead. He lives in Texas, I live in NC. What could I do? He said when he emailed me on October 30, 2012, that he couldn’t have called to let me know he was alive because he didn’t have my new phone number (I had bought a new phone because I found out he was screening mine) because they took his phone and he didn’t know the new number by heart.
But, mid February 2013 I got a collections call from the psychiatric hospital where the police took my SA. The hospital had my information as the person financially responsible. That’s when the love died because I knew they had to get that from my SA. The police didn’t have it. Like you said, I have been gaslighted so many times I question my recollection of events, so I called the police station and got a copy of their report to check.
SA finally admitted in March that he did have my information and could have called me, but he wanted me to wonder and suffer because he thought I called the police to punish him. Of course he apologized when he admitted that, saying he knew he was wrong. I had figured that out. For six months, through countless little love notes and a ton of gifts as part of his “win me back” campaign, he has kept that lie, and would have forever, along with all the others he just keeps lying. This man will never hit rock bottom and come clean, never.
There have been a lot of monstrous wrongs uncovered, but that was just it. Over. This man doesn’t just want to have sex with whores, look at torture porn, and do the devil only knows what else, sexually. He wants me to HURT, bad, at his whim. His sadism is outside the bedroom, too. There are no twelve step programs for that.
You seem so much clearer on that than I was/am. As much as I get it logically, I guess some part of me just doesn’t grasp that humans exist who are devoid of conscience and abusive without a shade of remorse. Thanks for putting that out there. Sorry you had to learn that. Sorry any of us do.
Thanks Bev, how very true. You’re right, he doesn’t have the ability to love me back. A marriage therapist once said to me when I told her that I wasn’t sure if I still loved him or not, that it really didn’t matter, but that I could learn to love him again if I really wanted to! I think not. If that was all it took, wanting to, then all this wouldn’t be an issue. We would have just rode off into the fucking sunset without a backward glance.
March, I’m glad you finally found the light out!
Wow Lyn, thanks for sharing. That’s just downright cruel to the core. My husband told me recently that he had thought of suicide when he left but that he didn’t follow through because he, “couldn’t even get that right.” His words. But it was yet another manipulation tactic to try and make me feel sorry for him. I often think, and have told him, that he must deep down really, really hate me, because I just can’t get my head around the fact that you can hurt and destroy every morsel of the person you’re supposedly in love with so much, again and again and again. I couldn’t agree more, there really is no twelve step program that can deal with the sadistic side of them. I’m really struggling with that aspect of his persona. He truly is a stranger to me. The most recent turn of events have me reeling because how can it ever be ok to torture other humans either emotionally or physically. I am tolerant of other peoples ‘fetishes’, whatever floats your boat, as long as it doesn’t involve me. To each there own. I don’t understand most of it and never, ever will, but this aspect of him was such a surprise to me. I never saw it coming. I know more about bdsm now than I ever needed to know. There’s some sick fucks out there. I’m sorry you’re having to live through this shit too.
T&d. Ido t have time to write the full response I’d like but I just want to say I loved your post! I loved the rawness of it. You sound smazing and i wish i knew you
TAD – I’ve been away for about a week so just catching up now but what you wrote in your post? I could have written that with only minor details changed (13.5 years, not 20). One thing that has really helped me in the past few weeks i reading about manipulation & gaslighting. “In Sheeps Clothing” by Dr. George Simon was a game-changer for me. The sisters here have been recommending “The Gaslight Effect” by Dr. Robin Stern. Well, I finally got it from the library and it was eye-opening. I wasn’t ready for it a few months ago but now I am and I see so clearly what my “Good Guy” Gaslighter has been doing to keep me.
Get angry, girl, it’s good for you!
On her blog yesterday, Chump Lady interviewed Dr. George Simon about divorcing the personality disordered types.
chumplady.comThanks for sharing your post with us tiredanddefeated. I hope you lose both those feelings and thrive beyond your wildest imagination. Take care of yourself. You are worth so much.
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