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I am so aggravated. STBX is going in for 5 weeks of treatment- leaves today- and has the nerve to send me an email with the following yesterday (after weeks of me asking for his reassurance that we would have enough money while he was away):
Try not to spend or transfer any money from the account other than regular bills as the next two months will have a lot of expenses.
So I sent him an email that said:
What the heck does this mean?
I need to sign (son) up for classes and get (daughter)’s plane tickets for the holidays, etc. I also have a doctor’s appointment. I am sure we will have expenses other than “regular billls”.
I don’t think your bad behavior, poor choices, and lies require that the rest of us put our needs, education, health on hold.
You have an obligation to support us.
His response:
I would consider those regular bills. There is a $xx IRS bill due mid month, a $x credit card bill due at the end of the month, and my therapy balance of $x will be put on another credit card due early next month. I have taken measures to ensure that the money will be there. I am putting off the IRS payment until I am back and have more control over the financial situation just for a buffer (though I calculate that it could be paid) . I have conservatively assumed about $x in monthly expenses. Regular bills should include medical bills, educational expenses and travel. I have an emergency contingency plan for a loan if needed but should not need it.I assume you are hurt and scared in your reply and it comes across as angry and belittling.
It upsets me that you refer to to my past behaviors as if they define me. It gives me a sense of shame that I bury as resentment. I am sorry for my past behaviors. I continue to work on myself. I am actually feeling empathetic towards you. The more empathy I feel the easier it is to deal with my shame.
It upsets me that you assume that I am putting your needs, education, and health on hold when that is not the case at all. You may assume and believe that, but I never stated or implied anything like that. I am sorry my email frightened you. I have never come up short on a financial obligation to my children or family and I don’t intend to do son now. I would be concerned if many thousands of dollars in unexpected bills or transfers occurred this month while I was gone but the things you have described would be considered ‘regular bills’ to me.
You still have full access to the accounts but if you are concerned with my money management skills and want more control over your own finances, we could begin to separate the finances. Honestly, I really don’t think that would be in your best interest.
Sorry for the misunderstanding,
OMG- he is feeling “empathic” towards me. Spare me the fucking bullshit. This is the man who 3 weeks ago was gloating about dropping a fucking “bomb” on me and had half his family in the court room to see it. This man has had no empathy for me in 22 fucking years of marriage. I just want to rip his stinking head off. I am a little bit pissed right now. It sounds like he is just rattling off some crap from a book. Dickwad.
there are no enough words to describe this man, he is an evil manipulative sociopath, even now on his way to supposedly a treatment center he is trying to belittle you and put you down when he said “Honestly, I really don’t think that would be in your best interest”
just read this email as if he has written to another person and you are trying to help that person with your clear head without getting emotionally involved
me and you Teri are dealing with the same kind of crap, the worst kind of men
the worst kind of narcissistsThanks, Harmony.
I like how he refers to his “past behavior”. If it is in the past, why does he need 5 weeks of inpatient treatment? Please, I am the one that had to get the gdamn keylogger and PI evidence that shows him doing his SA crap right up to the morning of our hearing this month. God, I hate him so much.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
How can we believe anything they say?
It does sound like he did think the money thing through, but i also don’t trust him and hate the highly rational superior tone he takes, as if he’s got the higher moral ground and you are a bitch. Sound familiar? Gas lighting. I think he deliberately didn’t make those things clear so he could set you up to look bad. So if you respond I would suggest some of these ideas:
Dr. Phil says the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. So reality check time for him. When he changes his behaviour your predictions of what he is doing will also change. Until then, and in order to secure the well-being of your and your children’s needs, you have to assume he is still the lying self-centred, narcissistic, irresponsible, untrustworthy, manipulative sex addict compulsive that he has been for the last ???years of your life together. It’s nice that he thinks he’s different. But the truth is you don’t believe what the sex addict/compulsive say, you believe what they do. He hasn’t done anything yet that is different at all.Teri
I’m pissed reading it. It is amazing how much they trigger us w their unemotional response.
It sounds to me he is concerned you r going to start siphoning off money from the joint account to an individual account for you, and not that he has any real concern about being able to meet monthly obligations.
He’s about to lose a great deal of control over his life and sounds like he is trying to gain some through this email to you
Try not to respond to him. He does not deserve an emotional reaction from you.
And I do not like how he mentions the seperate acct and how he believe ‘it’s not in your best interest’ as if he gives a crap. He cares about the money.
Although glad he is getting help, maybe one day it will make him bearable to deal w he deserves no medal. You do
Xxoo.
Keep strong!Yeah, Diane,
I asked him repeatedly for numbers showing we had enough money and repeatedly blew me off. Just basically said “trust me”.This is the same crap he has pulled over and over while still engaging in his SA behavior. Lecture me and tell me how terribly I am treating him. Barf!
I hate having any contact with him. This is so typical. And I get so triggered. I really cannot stand him. How did I live with him for 21 years?
He wouldn’t know empathy if it hit him upside the head. If he had empathy, he would spare me the long-winded emails.
OMG Teri, he sounds so much like my xh. One day so empathetic the next day he and his lawyer ripping up our aggreement. They are like the wind, somedays blows from the east, then some days the west. They are like smoke, just when you see it and try to hold on to it it disappears. What treatment center is he going to? If you don’t want to reveal I understand. So sorry for the mental abuse your h tries to pull!!!
Love, NapWhat a load of BS. So sorry Teri. Same runaround with my SAH. Warnings and blameshifting and no actual numbers to work with. Bank acct has hit negative 3x since he left for his new job on May 8. But he has “everything covered”. My husband has a six figure job, and my mom is buying the children milk from her SS checks! So glAd when I get to go back to work.
Teri, Wow…they ARE all the same! Nothing unique. Same story -different name -different state.
Sending hugs,
DawnWhile he is gone for treatment, send him one last email/text and say you don’t want to communicate with him AT ALL until he gets back.
Then you go get a manicure, pedicure, full body massage, some new clothes; well, you get the idea! 🙂
Much love, Claire
I agree CBS!! After all, mani’s, pedi’s, etc. fall in line with “regular bills” in my book!!! 🙂
Ugh!! What a jackass!!!
Wow, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say my husband was a polygamist, because he could have written that same bullshit. (Of course, he IS a SA, so you never know…). I hate him as much as I hate mine.
I agree with Claire and SL!!!Hang in and take care of yourself!!!
xoxo JulieDear Teri
So agree. I hate him also. The empathy comment made my blood boil too. It’s not empathy he feels. It is condescending pity. as if you are less than ade quate. Why should he have empathy? you are not the one with the problem. he should have remourse and humility for how he has treated you. but that is another story.
I agree with you on the financial front–why should your needs wait? and even if he did think it through, as Diane said, what reason would you have to believe he did or would?
sorry for what he did to you in court. bombs away one minute. “empathy” the next. who is this guy? and now he wants trust? oh, if only he would go away to 5 year intensive. keep strong Teri.
Tell him that you are very sorry for getting upset and thank him for taking the time to explain everything to you. (In other words LIE and BS him.) Then while he’s gone, revise your entire bill paying system so that you can understand it (get help from a Business Minded friend) Then take the exact ammount that he is spending on treatment and spend it, save it or hide it for yourself. Ya gotta fight fire with fire!
Helen,
That probably would have been the thing to do- if I hadn’t done it all ready with his “trust me” email that he was oh-so condescending in. And then he turns around and tells me not to spend anything. I told him I would just spend what I thought was necessary, and he could deal with it when he gets back. I can’t even tell what he thinks are “regular bills” from that email. A number (even approximate) would be nice.
Thanks, you guys. Not everyone would be able to see through this bullshit unless they had lived it themselves.
And then there’s the whole words vs. actions crap.
I mean, if someone actually felt empathy, they wouldn’t have to say “I feel empathy”. They would say “Oh, I am so sorry. I bet my email really worried you. I just want you to know that I support whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and the kids while I am away.”
I know my bills well, Helen. The problem is his bills come out of the same bank account. And he has his therapy and goodness knows what else. Plus his paycheck isn’t the same amount every month. It’s a draw based on what he bills as it comes in. So while I have access to my info, I have no idea what to subtract it from or what to subtract for him.
Ugh, Teri. It just reminds me so much of my SAH, who is hoarding his paychecks right now and will only give me as much as I need for bills and keep the rest for himself. He spent 10 1/2 months refusing to get a straight job (knowing the unemployment will run out), hanging out at Starbucks e-mailing friends and trashing me, looking at porn and masturbating, and chasing after (and sneaking around with) a woman who doesn’t want him. All while I was working my butt off. A few weeks of high-paying work falls into his lap, and he suddenly thinks he has the right to “control his own money” although our finances have been joint for 29 years.
I can’t afford to get too upset about it, so I just keep telling myself that he’s hanging himself with this latest fucktard behavior. No attorney or judge is going to sympathize with him after all of this.
I intend to overpay a few bills so that he’ll have to fork over a lot of the cash. For example, right now I owe Texas Workforce Commission — unemployment agency — $728 due to a screwed up overpayment last year. I only have to pay them $100 per month, but I think when I get paid next week, I’ll pay off the balance. That’ll be the bulk of my paycheck. I have to pay them sooner or later, right?
So unless he wants Citibank, Bank of America, and Chase on our ass, along with the electricity cut off, he’ll have no choice but to give me the money.
Diane wrote: “It does sound like he did think the money thing through, but i also don’t trust him and hate the highly rational superior tone he takes, as if he’s got the higher moral ground and you are a bitch. Sound familiar? Gas lighting.”
That struck me too, Diane. He’d sound so convincing and rational to someone not familiar with this manipulative BS. My gaslighting intensive can’t get here soon enough!
I am still so pissed off at his email, besides the snide comment about the mani/pedi thing…. I don’t even know WHAT to say….
It was such a CLASSIC Dum Dum email… I would have sworn my ex SAH wrote it. Ugh! It made me want to throw up. And Teri, you’re right- we really DO get it. We all have the capability to sniff this shit out at this point. Geez, what an attribute to have….
Hang in there!!! Thinking of you,
Love,
SL
She cann’t stand it Liza….I’m with Pam…if only it was a 5 year intensive on Mars! God….is bad enough the sexual things these creeps get up to BUT what they do financially afterwards is even worse.I hate them all.
Janet- I’ve done the same thing with prepaying bills. I have paid everything I can upfront so I know it’s taken care of. I was planning on paying daughter’s full tuition this year at the beginning but he blocked my ability to use money from her college account (red flag). Why the hell do that except to be an asshole?
He is so sick.
Janet- I’ve done the same thing with prepaying bills. I have paid everything I can upfront so I know it’s taken care of. I was planning on paying daughter’s full tuition this year at the beginning but he blocked my ability to use money from her college account (red flag). Why the hell do that except to be an asshole?
He is so sick.
They all are, aren’t they, Teri? What really gets me is that if Jack had gone to visit CowPatty last month, he wouldn’t even BE working (today is his last day — they finished the movie in Brownsville and are unloading trucks of stuff that was rented from here in Austin.) He would have been unavailable when both jobs started, and they don’t wait on people. Other guys would have been hired instead, and called back when there was more work, which was the case with both projects. I haven’t pointed this out yet because I just don’t want to rock the boat.
So thanks to my convincing him not to go (or my threats), he’s made some really good money.
He thinks he and CP have all this “synchronicity” and he’s now into “signs” and whatever big time. Well, maybe the fact that he got called for not one, but TWO jobs after canceling his trip is a sign that he wasn’t meant to go! Seriously!
CP’s theory is, “Everything is perfect timing whether we realize it or not” — I saw this in a text she sent him a few months ago. Then she added, “You are just in tune to realize it.” Well, evidently it wasn’t the “perfect” time for him to go to Arizona. If he’d gone, I would have told him not to come back home — and meant it 100%. I couldn’t stomach having him in the house after that. It’s hard enough right now.
He owes my parents over $3000 that he borrowed 4 1/2 years ago behind my back. I think it’s time they demanded their money . . .
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