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This article made me cry! Thought some of us might relate to this blog. I particularly relate to sexual deprivation, just makes me sad to think about it.
http://drjanicecaudill.com/blog/if-my-husband-is-intimacy-anorexic-what-am-i.html
Good little article—thanks for posting the link Tanya.
I hope Bailey and New Mom read it because it talks about the effects of this on our sense of womanhood.How are you doing in NZ?
D.Hi Diane
I am doing OK, some days are better than others. My therapist & 12 step group are helping alot, I certainly notice my mood takes a dive if I miss either one.
Do envy you ladies with a few more resources available (if you’ve got the money!), NZ is probably 10-15 years behind the US. We have about 10 trained sex therapists, with only a few of those with any addiction training to go with it in the whole country.
Best wishes
TanyaIt’s true what the article says about isolating yourself from your “usual” support network. Since the SA pretends to be a loving spouse in front of others- naturally, they won’t understand if you try to explain it to them. Another reason why SOS is so valuable to each of us. We simply GET it. Sigh…
Thank you for posting that link because it is giving me the vocabulary to talk about exactly what I am going through and why I am moving out. I don’t feel connected. This isn’t something I can’t just sit down with all my friends and talk about this.
Yes Ginger…though this was not my problem with my H I was simply aghast when I first read about it. Then to my horror, my best friend discovered porn all over her husband’s computer and the ruse all came tumbling down. This was EXACTLY her experience to the letter and it was absolutely heartbreaking to finally have her tell me the whole truth about her marriage. Like you..at first she didn’t know what was going on but then stumbled on some literature and felt they were describing her life. He ran away when she found the porn. She didn’t chase him and she is so much happier now. Not estatic but so much more at peace. Karen x
Hi Ginger
I am sorry & pleased that this article helped, hope you find some peace in moving out. I kept my “secret” for nearly 10 years, not a healthy way to live, still I am happier now I am on my own.
Tanya xSo my husband used to keep stashes of porn on the computer and now tell me when he has “acted out” and doesn’t keep stashes. The longest he said he can go without porn is 4 weeks but he can go without physical intimacy with me for years. Now that it has come to a breaking point he has dropped the control, criticism, and tell me he isn’t sure how far he can go in therapy to improve the intimacy. Says that he acts out before bed to “get it over with” so he can go to sleep. He says it feels like he is re-traumatizing himself because he thinks the abuse happened at night that is why he is afraid to go to sleep. I have always been supportive of him and took my in sickness and in health vows very seriously but what is a reasonable middle ground? I told him we have to start over. I am out of the house M-F and on Sat and Sunday we talk and I stay at the house. Now I add enmeshment to the list of things that have to change and I wonder how this will turn out because I have no idea.
Dear Ginger,
This whole porn addiction thing is not my area of expertise but there are women on here who have lived with it. It seems to be the most difficult behavior to stop and they are often the sickest men of all. Their preference to have sex alone except for their fantasies seems to put the partner in a position where she simply cannot compete on any level. Why? Because the husband’s sexual preference is autoerotica ( which I think means sex with yourself??) and they do not seem to be able to become aroused by flesh and blood women. There are women here who have said their husband’s porn use eventually led to going with live people…but I do believe there are pure porn addicts who will never desire sex with anyone but themselves. My husband once attended some groups as part of an intensive he did and he remembers a guy who said just that. He ONLY used porn and could not even imagine cheating on his wife or going sexually with another woman. I don’t know what category your husband is in but it does seem that the wives of P addicts are truly driven to the edge of despair. I wish I knew more and could offer comfort. The ONLY thing I know about them is if they are still masturbating and viewing…you cannot believe ANYTHING they say. As to what is reasonable middle ground? I think having a sex life with your husband and NOT having to endure his depravity as part of your marriage is probably a pretty reasonable request. The damage done to YOU in living with this is above and beyond the duty of marriage. Funny how many partners hang onto the “in sickness and in health” part of the vows but forget the part about “and keeping yourself only onto her until death do you both” part. Get your hands on any reading material you can, Ginger, and educate yourself as much as you can. There is no starting over UNLESS he stops this…it will only be more disappointment and heartache for you. Take care, Karen
PS if you post a request for books on anorexia, some of the other girls can probably recommend some good ones
My husband escalated to sex with strangers so he could (exact quote) “see if my dick worked”! This by the way was shouted at me with him screaming and crying–his desperation at his own shortcomings. I guess it worked. With the help of viagra of course….
Dear Bonnie,
As I said…I am no expert about porn addicts BUT I do think there is a category who NEVER escalate to flesh and blood partners. The type of porn and amount of time spent can escalate BUT they simply do not want to have sex with anyone but themselves and their own imagination. Thats my understanding.(others here could correct me?) My best friend’s husband was solitary in the extreme and also in his sexual preference. In the end, I think she came to the conclusion he had only married her for financial reasons and because he occasionally wanted an escort for certain activities. She is certain he could have gone his whole life with little human company or interaction..let alone having relational sex. What blows my mind is how these guys can fake it UNTIL they have the woman hooked. As SOON as they were married the sex stopped and his emotional response withdrew. It was amazing. What was even more amazing is both her family and her had known this man closely for 14 years and never suspected there was anything off about him!! I cannot begin to even tell you the number he did on her head. 🙁 karen x
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