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Not seeking advice. I need a safe place to vent.
I got a phone call from SA last night. All about how he had the most amazing time at the football, best game ever. I said, “I don’t want to hear about how great your night was, when you ruined my Friday night by abusing me. Or do you forget that?” He said, “Tonight I am going to think about you, ways I can get sober, how I can treat you better and how I can make changes.” I said, “Sure you will”. Then he was all, “I know I have said that before, but I really am going to do it tonight.”
I was on my way out for dinner at the time, then he said, “I will start right now by being considerate of you — I know you are feeling upset and I don’t want to ruin or interfere with your dinner plans, so I will go now and call you later.”
After dinner, I text messaged him, “I don’t feel like talking, so just text me what you have been thinking about”. Then I got this reply, “I’ve been reading Lord of the Rings tonight so far, so while reading I have done a little bit, but while I’m following the grand prix on my phone I’ll be doing some more thinking”. I said, “I guess thinking about me can’t fit well into your schedule. More important things take priority as usual. Whatever. Just don’t bother. It’s offensive.” Then he responded, “No, I am not saying that it is unimportant. I’m doing two things at once, and I can give thinking about you much more attention than reading a few words.” My response was, “You have got to be joking. You are such a prick.”
Then I felt so pissed that his idea of thinking about me is reading LOTR. Who seriously says that? It would have been better if he had just said he hadn’t done it — wouldn’t have surprised me or knocked me off my feet, I would have simply rolled my eyes. I couldn’t help myself and called him, “Who the fuck reads a book at the same time? How is that even possible to do — thinking about me while your mind is focused on LOTR. It’s so insane you think that’s acceptable. Did you read LOTR at the football? No, 100% attention on your team. Do you read LOTR when you look at porn? No, 200% attention on porn. Did you read LOTR at the strip clubs? No, 100% attention on the strippers. Do you read LOTR when you wash your car? No, 100% attention on your car. Why are you so allergic to the idea of putting in more than 10% effort to me?”
Him, “I thought about stuff as I turned the pages and after each paragraph.”
Me, “You would think our extreme situation might deserve more than that.”
Him, “You want to know why I was reading the book, you REALLY want to know?” In his tone of voice that tries to signify I’m gonna put Victoria in her place –“because I had an urge! I was going to look at porn.”
Me, “I don’t care. That has nothing to do with it. My issue is not with you reading, it’s that you are so adverse to dedicating any sole time towards me. Everything you do sends me the message I am worth nothing.”
Then he said, “I can never do anything fucking right!” Cue anger, blame, guilt, victim mode. Then the crumbs, “At least I thought about you — if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have at all.” Then, the crazymaker, “I thought that if I put the book down and thought about you separately, you would be more pissed off by that.”
Okay… nuts.
Wow. That really must win some kind of award for Delusional Living. Lord of the Rings? I have to admit that I love that book, read it a dozen times as a *teenager* and I love the movies. But to take my moral cues from a work of fiction? With trolls and orcs? This, I’m afraid, is the mentality and arrested development of these guys.
I’m so very sorry; how embarrassing for him and how heartbreaking for you.I’m sorry too Victoria. It’s difficult to talk to these guys because it’s fruitless. It’s like talking to a wall from my experience. My xh could make any conversation a mess and he still does when he gets the chance. Now I can walk away or hang up. I don’t tolerate his shit anymore.
i’m sorry too victoria. sadly, i got to the place where i really don’t want to know what my STBXH is thinking… their minds are full of cobwebs and shadows. talking to them can be what i imagine taking LSD would be like. welcome to la la land. alice in wonderland here we come.
and frankly, i hope DW DOESN’T think about me. i’d rather he didn’t. sad that it comes to that, isn’t it?
Nothing original here. He just wants an appreciation reward because he chose to read a book instead of watch porn. That’s why he thinks you should be happy. But imagine a life where you have to reward him every time he doesn’t watch porn. You’ll be up all night.
I’m just sayin…..I hanged up on him last night. Then this afternoon he sent me these 2 texts.
“One thing that I thought about, was that I am going to give you daily compliments. With these, I don’t want or need a reply. So, first up: You are a beautiful woman, both on the outside and on the inside. You have extremely strong values and are very strong willed, and you deserve the world.”
“More of my thoughts that I had after our phone call last night:
• Send daily messages saying good things about her
• Be totally transparent with her
• Give her the dignity that she deserves
• Listen to her, take her advice totally on board because she is the one affected by all of this
• Always give 100%
• Be a man of my word, because currently my words have no substance
• Give her random gifts
• Listen
• When I say I’ll do something, follow through with it to show I am giving it my all
• Take time each day to think on a positive plain, and share it with her when I can
• Stay sober; cheating on her causes more hurt
• Don’t argue, even when I feel I am right, because I’m not the one that has been deeply affected emotionally by all of this.
• She is smarter than me, so don’t try to outsmart her and belittle her.
• Imagine what it’d be like being in her shoes
• Try climb the mountain on a daily basis with the these things; every little bit counts.
• I’m not the one hurt massively by this, spend time thinking how difficult it is for her to recover when I continuously retraumatise her
• Act and treat her how I’d like to be treated.
• Show her acts of kindness, care and love”thoughts are predictable, and he still wants a reward for them.
We don’t believe what they say. We believe what they do.
Exactly Diane.
No, Liza it’s not my long term goal. These posts here probably best explain where I am currently at:
If I had a dollar for every pretty promise SJ has made (and I hope I do when the book publishes) I would be financially set for life.
What does he deliver? Crap, loads of it.
All these good intentions, nice to hear but if I don’t see actions I will consider it was just your homework assignment and you wanted the check mark. I don’t do check marks, see your facilitator for that.
Victoria, I was really struck in particular by his comment “I am not the one hurt massively by this”. I believe that to be true and I believe it true of all of our husband’s or boyfriends. That’s really an issue for me, I wanted my husband to be the one hurt massively by this. And he wasn’t and he’s not going to be. To see it written by your boyfriend was a jolt of truth that I so appreciate seeing.
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