Avoidant Attachment Disorder vs. Reactive Attachment Disorder

Oh my dear Sharron,

It just never stops, does it? More information, more diagnosis, more stuff for us to process. But, I have to ask…

Does it matter?

Does it matter if they call it an addiction or a compulsion?

Does it matter if they are Sex Addicts or Assholes?

Does it matter if they are victims of childhood abuse or sociopaths?

Does it matter if they are diagnosed with a veritable alphabet soup of Personality Disorders?

Will it change anything if we intellectualize everything until we are blue in the face trying to understand?

Does it really make any difference?

I could spend hours pouring through the almost 1,000 pages of my DSM-IV trying to determine the differences between AAD and RAD, but what difference would it make to the big picture?

Would it change what Steve has done to you?

Would it change his motivation?

Would it change his prognosis?

Would it change him in any way?

Would it HELP YOU in any way?

I think not.

I think what is important in all of this is that we stop trying to understand THEM and start trying to understand WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO US!

What have we suffered?

How much damage has been done to our core?

What will it take to fix US?

How can we heal and become whole again?

I think that sometimes our pain is so acute that we cannot face it, so we bury our stress and turmoil by trying to understand them. It somehow gives us purpose and control of what, in reality, is out of our control.

We owe it to ourselves, to our relationship and to our disturbed and disordered Sex Addict partners to find our own peace and healing before we can expend any energy on their disordered psyche.

Dear Sharron,

I am sorry to hear this though I am NOT surprised…not really. You know it is my belief that most of these men are seriously ill and NOT with just an addiction…as if addiction is not bad enough? I understand why you are doing what you are doing…trying so desperately to understand what is wrong with Steve in the hope that the two of you would find some way to fix this. I was frustrated by people telling me my husband was a sex addict. I knew he wasn’t…I knew it was much more so in that respect it WAS important to me what we called it. Addiction has a dismal prognosis….personality disorders pretty much have no prognosis. Anyway, dear girl, I do think JoAnn has a point. I do think many of us spend alot of time with an outward focus because it does afford some diversion from the gut wrenching pain that having a mentally ill partner…especially one who seemed so good for so long. It is very, very hard. Sigh. Now that you know abit more about Steve’s problems perhaps you will finally be able to accept that not only is it VERY unlikely Steve will change BUT it is totally impossible for you to force him to change. I hope this new information will allow you to sit back, take it in and give yourself a much needed rest. Then you can begin to think about what you are going to do…if anything? You are a psych nurse Sharron. You understand this. Take care of yourself…for a change?? Ask yourself what this means for Sharron and begin there? Karen xx

JoAnn, I wrote those questions in my journal, the questions for ME. thank you

Sharron, I don’t know much about these, but I would say my h has the avoidant one. It is really one of the main reasons I want a divorce. It is confusing to watch someone avoid so much…I guess, as my h said yesterday, he doesn’t like himself and he doesn’t like to look at himself, which stops him from dealing with his issues.

Sometimes I think I am also avoidant. Why can’t I make a decision more easily? But, there is hope, more for us than them though, if we are willing to look inside of ourselves I guess.

Much love, B. Trayed

Dear Sharron,

I am not sure how far along in the process I am. We are all driven half crazy with grief and pain and if I seem more together it is just because my husband pushed me to the point of zero hope. I know he is not capable of the things he does AND capable of love as well, and I am not capable of overlooking the things he does. We are in a complete stalemate….as I think you are? Try to calm yourself and step back. Our real concern with you is that you are so open and focused on him that you will make yourself ill. You don’t have to rush into ANYTHING or any decision. Try to get out of his head and into your own…or even just stay out of all heads for awhile? 🙂 You are going to be ok Sharron. We are all going to be ok….somehow. Karen x

Dearest Sharron,

I so agree with NAP. You do have options. Many of them.

I remember you said that you get around $1,600.00 per month in SS (you will get a 3.6% increase in January). You also have a post nuptial agreement with Steve. And, your son is paying you $200.00 per month on what he owes you and the other son needs to step up to the plate and start paying you back for what he owes you.

You can do it. Just figure it all out.

Has Steve sold that house that you and he built? If it is empty and he can’t sell it, why not work out an agreement where he lets you stay there for free? That could be worked into a divorce settlement.

And, I know some may think this is really crummy advice, but just consider it. If you are going to sell your condo on a short sale, that will definitely hurt your credit rating, and, it sounds as if it has lost value for several reasons, like the economy and poor management.

Sooooooo….since foreclosures are now running two years behind, why not move back into your condo and let it go into foreclosure? Stop making payments, save your money, live frugally and I can guarantee you that sometime during the next two years the bank will come along with a deal, or the government will offer special considerations to prevent you from going into foreclosure and lower your payment.

Or, consider this. Because of your age and income, you should qualify for low income housing. If not in your area, then certainly in some of the small surrounding towns.

$1,600.00 plus $200.00 plus whatever you agreed with Steve (or can negotiate at this point) and whatever your other son contributes sounds to me like more than a lot of people have.

If all else fails, get a good NEW attorney and sue Steve for divorce, renegotiate and ask for alimony for the rest of your life. A good attorney will get it for you. After all, you are unemployed, cannot work at your age and have minimal income.

I think you are so down on yourself and so depressed that you cannot think clearly. Find a free legal advice clinic and talk with them.

Living out there in the country with no other human contact is extremely harmful for both you and Steve and could be dangerous for you. I can only see this getting so much worse.

Save yourself Sharron. You can do it.

With love, JoAnn

Yes, a short sale means you sell it for less than you owe. The bank MUST approve a short sale, and in order to do that YOU must qualify. You usually have to be behind in your payments AND show that you are financially unable to make the payments.

If the bank approves a Short Sale, then potential buyers must submit to a lenghty waiting period while the bank decides if they want to take the offer or not. Most banks will not accept an offer very much below what is owed.

It is not an easy road.

If the bank does not approve a Short Sale and you sell the condo for less than you owe, then YOU must bring cash to the table when it is sold to make up the difference.

Flora is right, most Realtors do not understand Short Sales and sellers don’t either. Sellers usually think they can just sell their homes for less than what they owe and just walk away. It is not like that at all.

If you put your condo on the market as a Short Sale without bank approval and you accept an offer and do not have the cash to close the deal, you could be in a lot of legal trouble.

So, it does make sense to either rent it out, live in it or let it go into foreclosure.

Dear Sharron,

I hate to say this after the fact BUT I think you may have made an error in judgement to go to the country. I KNOW I told you to go but it was because it was what you wanted at the time and I didn’t think you would or could listen to me. The plan seemed to be too far gone? I learned first hand what a power hungry man will do to you if they can isolate you from other people? My husband tried to break me on Borneo. He didn’t succeed but i remember well that feeling that I would DIE if I didn’t get off that island. Now (that he has you there) is when he is going to show his teeth….now when he has you isolated? BUT you can beat him back Sharron. YOU CAN! ALL SA are weak at heart and Steve is no different. Of course he doesn’t respect you….that is because you stay with him and put up with his crap and keep trying to love a man incapable of loving you back? I told you before…this is a game to him and he LOVES you to keep playing. I know u do not know what to do and you are not ready to leave yet BUT you are NOT without power. You have options and you better start exercising them. My first advice would be to drop the boundaries around who he looks at and who he doesn’t. Who cares who he looks at???? You are in the middle of f–king nowhere and STILL he finds someone to gawk at. He will always find something and the more you react the better he enjoys it. Enforcing boundaries is all well and good UNTIL you find out the person is NOT respecting your boundaries and NOT respecting you. The more you nag at him the more attention he gets and the more inflated his sick ego becomes. FREEZE HIM OUT!!!!!!! Do NOT give him your attention OR your respect. It is NOT working….you are just playing into his hand??? Get OUT of that house and make local contacts ASAP. STOP worrying about what he is doing and START looking at what is happening to your life??? This guy is playing you big time and you have GOT to fight back….but on your own terms, Sharron. He cannot exist out on the middle of nowhere with no interaction either….you have to use that to your advantage. Get friends, volunteer, get a LIFE….one that does not include him, get a GOOD therapist to help keep you sane.Stay away from his therapist and try to stay away from him. Get yourself some space so you can think and decide what you want. He is NOT making progress, Sharron, and this has gone on long enough. I told you before…you DO NOT have to leave, but you do need to change the gameplan. I am worried about you BUT I know you can back yourself out of this. You are strong and smart…time to take BACK your power. Karen xx

PS. As Ann Landers used to say: ” run, dont walk!”

Oh no… you didn’t hear it on SOS. You found it out somewhere else… “don’t remember where.” 😉 What’s good for the gander is good for the goose!

LUV your post, Karen!

He’s psychodude and you can play him like a fiddle if you want to Sharron. Oh, what fun!

ignore. ignore. ignore.

he will go insane.

but he WILL pull out the stops to get you to go back to how you were. And it will make you crazy, unless you detach from it.I you can understand that he is trying to rile you up. This is his reason for living! Let him look, think, objectify… who cares? you CANNOT stop it. And you are not mad about the past either. its over… time for our new lovely life in the country.

bye, dear… off to play bridge. love you hun… 😉

JoAnn always amazes me! wow! I have to save that post.

xo