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Two days ago I emailed STBXSAH because I can’t take my name off the joint account. It is in the red (surprise, surprise) and he has to bring it back to 0 and then close it. I can’t.
Well, that led to him sending a suicide note in reply.
And nothing further.
I was furious for that, and then was ashamed of myself for being furious, instead of concerned. And realized he had me, pegged because if I didn’t take some action on a suicide threat, that was obviously recorded, I could lose my license and be liable for negligence, legally. Couldn’t contact 911, it is only local on my prepaid servie, so I researched and called the police in his area and they said they’d go by and check. But they didn’t contact me back. Of course he’s not answering emails, texts, or phone. I don’t know if that’s part of the game or what. So I called his work to see if he showed up, Friday. They said, no, he had called in and had taken the day off. That’s all they could tell me. So I called his psychiatrist to alert him, since STBXSAH said psychiatrist had threatened to put him in inpatient treatment in Oct. Had to leave a message. But the doctor did call me back, and I was treated to information I did not really want to know about STBXSAH, which opened up another set of wounds. But i had done everything good judgement would determine I could to prevent/stop/treat if he actually was going to go through with it.
I am struggling this morning, can’t go back to sleep, can’t stop crying. It’s been hours, and so I took some Xanax, which I haven’t in two months. Don’t want the children to wake and find me like this. I have to give them a weekend, even if it means being a dumbed down version of me.
This is another grief, do they ever stop? I don’t know if STBXSAH is alive or dead. And it’s so confusing, because I don’t know why I care, he is not the person I married. He is a person who I am fearful of, can’t trust, who has hurt me repetitively with no remorse except when he is caught, and then denies fault and transfers it to me. Yet still, the loss, and the not knowing are searing. He meant this, too, to hurt me and that adds to the pain exponentially. Where do you go with this sort of pain? Who will hold you without blaming you for your tears? I blame myself for them, but I can’t stop. Such a senselss, senseless waste of a life.
All I needed to do was get my damn name off a NSF bank account to protect my credit. I need my freaking credit to be free of this psycho.
Shit.
Lynnn I’m so sorry. I wish this would all end for you. I gotta admit part of me hopes he goes through with it and takes his sorry self straight to hell. Let the devil deal with him. You are a human and humane woman who is trying to deal with the inhuman and inhumane as best she can. No one blames you when you find it hard so don’t blame yourself. Cut Lynn a break, she’s a good person in a bad situation.
With love and {{{hugs}}},
DaisyOh Lynn, I wish you were close. I would come get your kids and let them help me with my halloween party and sit you in the comfy chair, by the fire, with a blankie, and a glass of wine…
There is NO blame on your part honey. You are dealing with a very sick, disturbed person. You did all you can do.
Now, let the xanax kick in, take a little nap, then get up and make some pancakes for breakfast and have PJ Day and watch some silly movie or Nicolodeon with your babies..
I`ll be thinking about you….
Lynn,
So sorry for his last whatever it is. Please be careful, I just hope he’s not heading towards you. I don’t want to scare you and I doubt he is but it did pop in my head because he’s so unpredictable. I hope things settle down and you can get some peace.
Love, NapxoLynn,
He is just exhausting. I am so sorry for what he is putting you through.
I remember one morning my STBX didn’t show up for visitation, and I actually hoped he’d killed himself…
You are a better woman than I am. And you are having to endure horrifically at the hands of this man. Don’t blame yourself for anything, Lynn. Ride out this latest trauma using all you have learned. Just take good care of yourself and your kids.
And I worry, too, about him showing up.
Lynn,
Can you get a part time job, doing anything–just until you get a nursing job, to get a little money and close that account? He is just evil and I am worried about your health. All this stress on you will affect your body in so many negative ways. People like him thrive on attention, even if it is negative.
Can you file a restraining order against him requiring no contact? That way you can simply delete any messages from him without any legal obligation. Then you can file for divorce–I think you were required to wait six months to meet the residency requirement?
I’m thinking of you sweetie and sending lots of good energy your way. ~ JoAnn
Lynn, I am in Knoxville, TN right now. You don’t happen to live here? I would treat your kids to a wonderful day, do whatever they needed. It’s just ridiculous what this man is putting you through. You are a wonderful soul who desperately needs to get out from under him. I wish I knew where everyone lived so I could help you when nearby.
Lynn,
So sorry for your H’s latest antics. They are so dramatic. Please take good care of yourself, take a nice long bath, relax today. Or keep busy if that makes you feel better. I wish I had some wise words of advice, but I just don’t know what to say other than; we are all here for you, we are holding you up and giving you strength, you are so very loved by each and every one of us. You will make it through this.
Much love, ClaireLynn,
I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you….not knowing if he’s alive or dead – but that’s HIS issue. Xanax is good in these situations. Is there anyone that you can help you with the kids today?
You are a strong person and you will get through this. I hope Penny can help you today….
I’m in Charleston (not sure how close to your SC home).
Deb
Lynn,
My stomach turns as you endure some more of this nightmare. I understand the feelings of being ashamed and then concerned and back again. This man is struggling, this is the man that you cared about. It is hard to just stop those caring feelings all together. So it continues to be a mixed bag of anger, frustration, sadness, fear, worry, anxiety, loss with a little of left over feelings sprinkled over the top. Everything that adds to the mixture just intensifies it. Now you have an overdrawn account that you were simply trying to take care of. Finding the strength to take care of even the little things seem monumental. You pull out the muscle to do what you need to do regarding this and instead get blown back over with suicide threats. You are dealing with so much Lynn. Slow way down, give the children what you can, but you can only do so much right now. The children are strong because of you. They can withstand this. Keep giving to yourself so that you can be there for them in the end.
Strength dear friend!!!!Thank you all so much. I crashed after the xanax and just woke up again, maybe in time to make it to the Farmer’s market and try to put myself back into a healthy routine. Do things that show me I HAVE made a life for us here, and I can go on even if he just stops breathing out of spite for me.
JoAnn, I have had two telephone interviews now. My being out of patient care for 3 years and being an LPN instead of an RN is hurt me, there.
Yesterday morning was an interview for a parttime LPN position, and I went through with it even though I was shaking like a leaf from the conversation with the psychiatrist when I went in. The interviewers laughed and said “don’t be so nervous, I can see your hands shaking” I just said I’d had a bad morning. I pray to God that doesn’t cost me that opportunity, too.
I can’t close that account without STBXSAH closing it, is how the banker explained it to me. He said he would, but doesn’t have the money to bring it back to 0 right now. So if he dies, where does that leave me? I guess just try to pay that off, but there are automatic withdrawls coming from it, still. That’s why it’s in the red. I stopped using it because he said he wouldn’t put anything in there for my use. But, he forgot (I guess) about his withdrawls. And he doesn’t need any of them, car insurance, utilities, etc. from the SC house where nobody has lived for six months, now. Such a perfect example of his neglectfulness and spitefulness.
But I will get it taken care of, I just didn’t know. And that note and subsequent pains after, he just makes me pay and pay and pay for any attempt to close this break for good.
It will happen, though.
Lynn I understand your pain My first husband actually said good by to his children who were just little at the time…..I monitored calls after that drama. thank goodness I had a friend over who was a nurse and was able to keep him talking as I called exSa family to get over to his place 5 hours away…..we could hear them banging on he ex door and the Nurse friend asked exSa to answer the door……so just heads up for the children’s sake. This is 10 yrs ago and the children’s Dad is alive and yes there were many days I wished otherwise but we already lost his brother to suicide and I am glad he kids have a dad even if he is what he is.
May you get the support you need and please consider what Joann mentioned as it may be for your children’s safety too. I do not know the whole story but a friend mentioned that the abuse keeps escalating unless we stop it.
Oh I so sorry for this stress on you. Hug your children and yes have a on PJ day even a small tent in he family room for everyone to escape in lol
Remember you are a good person
Marina
oh lynn…
do NOT be ashamed of your anger! your anger is a message to you that a boundary has been violated. in your heart you know he is manipulating you.
smart girl, you took steps to make sure that you couldn’t be hurt legally by his threat. this would require superhuman levels of emotional strength, is it possible to stop there? you don’t have to feel compassion for this man. and you especially should not feel compassion for him at the expense of yourself. ease the guilt of thinking that you should take care of him, that you are in any way responsible for him.
is it possible to take your name off the account? does it have to be at 0 balance to do that? is there anyone you can borrow money from to do that? how much in the red is it? even one of those corner lend you money anytime places would be better than being financially tied to a dangerous man. a credit advance. anything just to be rid of ANY ties with this man.
think sleeping with the enemy, he is at war with you over trying to break contact. take that anger and channel it into protecting yourself. take steps to completely get rid of him.
do not waste your worries on his well being. put the energy into yourself and your life.
Lynn, my thoughts are with you, seems like the mental beating never ends with this dude. Is there a way you sign up with a temporary agency? Even if they have you doing office work, it will earn you a little extra cash. I remember signing up with one when I first graduated from college and couldn’t have a full time job. The pay was fairly decent, as I remembered it. Just make sure they don’t charge you a fee, go with the bigger temporary job agencies. This gives you flexibility to also look for full time work and to quit easily, once you find a full time gig.
I did not think of temporary agencies, and I can look into that on Monday. I do have fair office skills, too.
And I actually may take a short term loan from my mother to pay that bank account to 0 before it gets worse. I have a friend in the banking business who has offered to come with me to the bank on Monday and see if there is any way to override the policy that HE must close the account since he started.
In an odd twist of fate, STBXSAH’s actions may have set me up to accomplish this without him. The psychiatrist called me this morning and said he is actually filing a missing persons report for my STBXSAH today. They have three addresses for him, work, and two home addresses, and the police have been to all three with no indication of his being there within the last two days. Wondering if that will sway the bank, at all? What do I have to do to cut these ties, if he’s technically missing?
Lynn, ask your banking friend (so glad you have one) if it is possible to just remove your name from that account without closing it. Even if you have to take the account to zero first to remove your name, then at least it becomes his problem from here on out and not yours. When is your six month residence period over so you can file for divorce? There is going to be one big PAR-TAY the day you are free from this wack job.
Love,
DaisyGod, Lynn, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
LynnG, you are one of those non-stop thinking people and I’m inclined to agree that even a part time job in some temporary field might help you build a routine to keep your head from exploding with his story. You are a race horse on a milk run right now, and we need to get you out there and putting those brain cells to another purpose. Get some perspective on things and keep your mind focussed elsewhere.
Lynn,
Not sure about in your state, but in CA once you file for a legal separation – the debt incurred by him is his. You might want to check into that. If he goes on a binge, I wouldn’t want to see you have to pay for that (or even half).
He is likely on a binge (not dead) unfortunately. I know that you would be sad if he was dead – but it would be a blessing in disguise. It would save you more heartache.
When I moved to Scotland before we had kids, I couldn’t get a job in my field so I worked at a temp agency (lucky I can type fast). For a few weeks I was a secretary for an arrogant management consultant – I rewrote his reports as he was such a moron. One of his clients was an American software company (now part of Adobe). I got to chatting with the marketing manager one day and she offered me an amazing marketing manager job which I took. Temp jobs can lead to a great job – or at least bring $$ in the door and get your mind off bozo brain.
Geeezzz….what a great follow-up for Anderson Cooper – remember that SA narc on here a year ago? He offed himself (during a binge with 23 hookers). And his wife is doing great! I’d love to see that on air.
Deb
Dear Lynn,
I have no words except I will not be shedding any tears if he does it. I also seriously doubt that he will, but I suppose you never know with these dudes… God you would think he would keep this shit to himself or go just go do it with one of his hookers?? UGH Wack job is right. I hope you can sort that bank account. Poor you. BIG HUG Karen xx
hi Lynn
so sorry for all of the stress and drama. I think you are too worried about the bank account though. the worst that is going to happen is they charge it off, and it goes to your credit report . i mean yes that sucks, but by the end of the divorce some of this may occur any way. credit can be rebuilt. you however, can’t.
a legal sep, like right now, would be what i suggest. that way all debts, incl bank accounts you wouldn’t be resp for.
and i agree with Deb, he’s on a binge. and wanton for attention. ignore it. pretend he’s on vacation on with your money and kids money. that is really all he’s doing. then see how your emotions feel. pretty pissed off? yeah, and rightly so. because that likely IS what he s doing. wallowing, binging and begging for attention and enjoying it. on his own special sick level. sorry but true.
temp agencies – love it. they can get you to work in no time i bet. lots of work for caregivers for elderly– if you can or are willing to do that. hear it pays real well too. lots of options for you, lots of options. but few for him unfortunately. don’t let him take you down with him. he’s trying real hard
Scared a little, thanks for thinking of me, Deb.
I am so thankful I had my locks changed.
My dog was let off his run yesterday between 11am and 2pm. Not many people will mess with him. It made me wonder if STBXSAH might have done it with intent to come back later without the barking of the dog being a warning. The dog came home around 5:30pm, I was so glad.
Last night there were noises in my yard, and I took my gun down and slept with it on my headboard.
And my daughter went to a bonfire with friends and “fell asleep” and didn’t come home til 3am. So…. that group of friends is off the “ok” list.
No word about STBXSAH, still missing.
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