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So, we meet with a bankruptcy lawyer tomorrow. I used to work for her, so she is giving us a deal, yet I still had to write a check for $2,306.00. That was the last of my savings.
I also had to scramble and get so much paperwork that it made my head spin. It was all quite overwhelming, but I did it. The depressed procrastinator did it.
The reason we have to declare bankruptcy is because my husband is a moron.
He didn’t go to court when the credit card companies went after him. So one of the companies got a judgment and attached his wages. I know everyone must be thinking so what? It’s his problem. Well it is, but it is also mine, since I need his money and when he has none, that’s a problem.
We also own a house that I moved out of with the kids. The house is underwater. We owe so much more than it is worth. Dum Dum wants to keep the house. I know, shame on me, I’ve been helping pay the mortgage along with my own rent.
Dum Dum wants me to move back into the house with the kids and he will move out. Because his reasoning is that we own the house and we should keep it. I know you all might think I am crazy, but I NEVER want to go back to that house. I love my new house and my new space and how clean it is and how it is mine. I NEVER want to go back to the house of horrors. The thought of it makes me panic. Plus now, it’s horribly cluttered and dirty because in 3 months he hasn’t touched a thing. He keeps saying, well I contributed to the mess, so I have to fix it. He’s like a 5 year old,well I didn’t make all the mess!
So anyway. The house has bad juju. It’s like a cancer on my soul. I know it might not be the best decision, but this way, also, he can’t try to weasel his way back in by saying “oh, it’s my house too, I can come back”. This way, he can’t weasel his way back into my place. I tend to do things out of fear, obligation and guilt. I’m learning not to, but it’s still hard and being out is the best thing for me.
I’m just looking for some validation that staying where I am, and letting the asshole lose our house is a good decision for me.
I said, how can you pay for the house when you have to pay me too? He said, (the man who never calls his kids or speaks to them unless they are actually in the room with him) I’ll just file for joint custody so I don’t have to pay you.
He says this because I won’t have sex with him. If I had sex with him, he would be really nice and agreeable.
I’m not having sex with him.
So, I don’t know why I thought that he would be nice to me after I left, I mean he wasn’t nice to me when I was there, why in the world would he be nice now? I’m learning to live in reality. If you think they wouldn’t do something because well, they are the father of your children, that’s not true. They are capable and seem to enjoy inflicting pain. So my nature is to be nice and cooperative (see guilt, fear, obligation above). I have to change. This is sort of a war. I have be on offense. It’s really hard for me to be this way.Stephanie, in my opinion, no amount of money is worth going back into a house with bad vibes/memories/karma. And no amount of money is worth putting yourself back in amy position where he may have any influence over you. Better to dig out from a financial hole and live your life on your terms…..which is exactly what you’re doing. Yeah! Love you:)
Stephanie, I’ve never faced that situation, but as I listen to you its seems that you know exactly what is right for you—the house give you nothing but debt and bad juju (kind of like the husband). YOu like where you are. You are safe. You can afford it. The children are doing so much better.
He wants the house the way he wants you—selfishly and with no intention to look after it, or pay for it. His whole life is bankrupt. It seems to me that letting the house go cut another tie with him, and that’s good.
big fan here,
Diane.I like that. His whole life is bankrupt and he wants everything selfishly and with no intention to look after it or pay for it. How true.
Diane is exactly right (as usual) and so are you Stephanie, to follow your instincts which are telling you to stay away from that house. The only draw back that I foresee for you is the hit your credit rating will take if you house goes into foreclosure but I would think there’s an option for making the house part of the Bankruptcy filing. Be sure to tell the attorney that YOU want the house to go as part of that process. Does she know that you are divorcing?
You are doing everything right – moved out, established your own household, your own credit. Just be sure you cut as many financial ties as possible – joint accounts, joint credit cards, etc. so that he can’t drag you down with him.
I would like to laugh at his “if you would just have sex with me, I’d take care of the finances” line but as ridiculous as it is, it’s more nauseating than funny. Do you remember the movie “Weird Science” when the older brother, Chad, gets turned into the giant booger? That is exactly how I picture your STBX. A giant steaming pile of green snotty booger. Or maybe he was a pile of shit – either way, a giant steaming pile of something totally nasty inside and out.
stephanie, the truth of your words is shining like a silver star. you know exactly what you want! i have chills going up and down my spine. you are doing EXACTLY the right things, by being true to yourself. there is NOTHING more important than that. stand your ground. go on offense. was it karen that suggested tha i be like an ox, steady and immovable. maybe that will help you too, because my default is to be nice and cooperative too. maybe we are twin sisters in that way.
you are fully and absolutely doing the right things for yourself!
I know nothing about the financial ramifications of all that, but I would hate to see you have to go back when you have come so far. There’s more than one way to skin a cat so there must be some way for you to get through this okay without going back to the house.
Stephanie,
PLEASE don’t go back to that house. It’s good you have self awareness now and can see it so you will make good choices for yourself. Diane is right. He’s totally bankrupt, wants everything, takes care of nothing, including you and the kids. Daisys legal advice is good too about the house and anything else you might have joint. I don’t understand if he’s upside down on the house why he wants to keep it. I think it would be best to roll it into the forclosure too, because right now you pay rent and part of the mortgage and that is a burden for you. Stephanie I can’t wait til you divorce him and will totally free. I couldn’t have sex with him either, too Mr. Piggy.
Love, NapBad juju is a nono.
Love the way you are claiming and holding your ground. The sisters are right. You can clean up debt and bad credit. You can’t get back years of your life.
If you owe way more on the house than it is worth then you do NOT own it..the bank does? Therefore, it is just another debt burden. If you are declaring bankruptcy definitely try to make the house part of that. Then get his ass into a modest, rented apartment that he is fully responsible for and you are not. I think you need to proceed with divorce asap because you have a good job and he can hurt you just by being an irresponsible dink. it is difficult to separate yourself when it comes to money if you are still married. Anyway, don’t go back to the house under any terms. You and the kids are ok for now. When you are free of him you can look at other housing options if you like. A house is not a home and if you have a big mortgage you are only renting it from the bank and are responsible for all the upkeep. I say get rid of it. Karen xxx
I would fucking come unglued if my stbx caused me to have to file bankruptcy! I have debt but shit I pay mine.
I don’t know how you’re not beating the ever living dog shit out of him. I honestly don’t.
Insist his house gets included in the bankruptcy and stop helping him pay for his shit. Let the bank have it.
Stand your ground!
I agree with the girls Stephanie. You don’t want to go back to the house so don’t. You have a lovely new nest where you are happy so stay there. xox
ps. I can’t believe the bugger wants to have sex with you. How can he even suggest it? Totally delusional.I’m in…….the fan club. None of this is easy or should have ever happened in the first place. It seems that you are getting untangled from this colossal mess of a situation. Keep getting the snarls out!!!!! We are with you.
No exchanges or returns – only refunds and you have exhausted that option – throw the damn sweater away!
I think it’s great you have such a clear understanding about your feelings toward the house. You are right to stay away.
I hear you with the house thing. It’s been just less than a week since I found out what was really going on in my house for years… by the grace of god I sold it at the end of January and am free and clear of that place. All the time and effort and money i put in to fixing it up… giving birth to both my kids there – none of it would make me go back even to drive past that house again now that I know what he was doing there. I feel like an idiot.
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