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During our whole marriage my SA husbands parents have been in the mix. They continue to give him money, pay for trips, treat him like a five year old…and he gets away with it. He meanwhile plays the part of the doting husband and father; while not helping out around the house, barely making a living. He is now living at their house, on their dime. As far as his “recovery” and when they were told of his addiction…they gave every excuse for him: its society, your a man, you have ADD, you have an addictive personality, you have split family (I have two daughters from a prior marriage), you work split shifts.
So here I am a year after the initial D-day and the SA is going to SanFrancisco to visit his brother who was just here (?) for their b-days. Guess who is footing the bill? Parents. So even though his marriage is crashing and burning and he has a daughter he was supposed to see…he is going away for fun. Also i was arranging for him to see her next week and that is when I found out. He did not tell me so I could make other arrangements for her. No thoughts or cares from anyone else as usual. He said he did not tell me sooner because it all happened so quickly…what this morning at 7:00 a.m.?
To think that when he said he would be away next weekend I had a glimmer of hope that it was for treatment or something important. No. Fun for him. Thus his parents, instead of encouraging him to work on himself, his marriage, growing up and being an adult (paying for treatment etc) he is going to San Fran for fun and they are paying for the trip. Words cannot even describe how little effort he has put into repairing our marriage, earning trust, making amends…because there has been none.
(Keep in mind these are the same people (parents) he said would pay for going to treatment; and later said that they would not (lies, all of it).
Part of me is not even sure he is truely going to San Fran. Because his brother was just here.
When the parents can’t but out, or the SA refuses to grow up, i really see no hope for recovery.
I thought the parents issue was a good topic to throw out there. Curious to hear everyone elses stories.
Clearly a co-dependent relationship. Sad to see a grown man encouraged to be a child forever by the very people who were responsible for grooming him to be an adult.
My husbands parents married extremely young and it was really children raising children. They have babied all of them well into their fifties. Their intentions are good but people need to cut the cord and grow up. They have always been loving and supportive of me but when news broke that we were on the skids they immediately accused me of having an affair with a co-worker (I work for them). To his credit my SA told his mother that for once she had to accept that her kids screw up (different word). When she learned that he had been screwing our employees, friends etc, she drove to my work to apologize. My daughter was the one she accused me to and she will not forgive her grandmother. She can’t accept that they were so quick to think that of me after all these years. I was too consumed with grief over the whole disclosure to care what they were thinking, but it is a pattern of behavior that has crippled their kids.My SA’s parents were the only ones “guarded ” from his sickness…they are both dead but it still pisses me off that they died thinking their son was “perfect”…my father in law was a BIG narcissist and a minister and there were many red flags I saw with him that I didn’t even see with my husband..I know he had a “problem”…they thought their family was perfect but they were all very screwed up…I’m in a rare mood today..
Hi Jaded – my husband’s parents were “pillars of the community.” His mother played the organ for church. His father just as active. They made the kids go to church twice a week. But, at home, they were cold, narcissistic, absent parents. The father beat my SA. The mother once told the kids the only reason they had them was so they could take care of them. There was never love in the home – only control, and the kids spent most of their time isolating in their rooms.
I would guess your’e husband came from similar circumstances. All looks good on the surface, but in reality that is why your SA is messed up. Don’t be fooled – the parent’s knew the problems your’e husband has – they created them, but they just continued to project to the world they were the “perfect family”.
Don’t let it bother you – what goes around comes around.
Hugs.Hi sisters,
My SA husband’s father took off when he was a toddler and went on to abuse another whole family of children and remains a narcissist to this day. His mother is sick sick sick, in the worst religious way possible. She was emotionally incestuous with my husband, and sexualized their relaitonship–treating me like someone he was having an affair with. I broke up her “marriage” to her son. She too was and is a liar of astounding consequence and just plain mean. But my goodness she is always the only “real” Christian in the room. Barff.
You can’t fight the whole family and their dysfunction. You just can’t. YOu can only get out of range and let them find a new person to triangulate.
stay strong and wise,
D.Interesting topic. I can’t forgive my in-laws for not taking the problem seriously when it first came to light. They minimised it, saying that now he was found out that would be the end of it. He didn’t need therapy. His father is a narcissist for sure and I don’t think there would have been much physical affection whilst he was growing up. Sharron – I found your comment about projecting the image of being ‘the perfect family’ so familiar. That is all that mattered to his parents. That no one found out. I deeply resent that their grandsons’ welfare came second to this.
Hi busybee,
Yeah no kidding that the grandsons welfare came second to this, in my case it was grand daughter. My inlaws were the same. It still shocks me and boggles my mind that anyone, SA parents included, can look over what the SA’s have done and minimize it. I saw it first hand right in front of my eyes with my SA’s parents upon telling them what he had done. It is really just awful. Sorry you are in the same situation. Nice to meet you.I thought it was only me who had to deal with the in-laws and how they bury their heads in the sand about the issue at hand. Mine recently called me names such as “negative”, “hostile”, “unhappy”. HELLO. You know what your son has done. You know why I am all of the above. Why would you even say these things. And for the love of God, why don’t these parents address the issue with their sons and try to HELP them? I know if I had a son and he turned into a monster like this, I would sit him down..whether he was 15 or 30…and try to get to the bottom of the problem because I would know I didn’t raise him to be that way. Period.
It’s easier for them to forget, ignore, and place the blame on you. They are just as bad as the SA.
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