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Yesterday I drove 6 hrs to get my SAH’s disclosure. I spent the night in a hotel. Today at 2pm I will meet him at his therapists office to get the sucker punch to the gut – the kick in the teeth! I have not seen him in 3 weeks – discovery was 4 weeks ago. I am scared to death! My friend who is also dealing with a SAH came with me to support me and get me back home tonight. Why did this nightmare have to happen in the midst of the Christmas Season? It is most definitely NOT the most wonderful time of the year! I have a list of questions prepared but I am now wondering if I should keep those questions for later this week when SAH comes home to take the CVSA for truth verification. I left a message this morning for my therapist at home asking this. I hope he calls me back before 2pm. Please say a prayer for me and send me your strength vibes. I am really scared, but I wanted this now, so that I could begin to figure out the rest of my life. Definitely a be careful what you wish for moment.
We are all behind you trish, looking over your shoulder, gently touching you when you need it, clapping and cheering when you do well, and we will hold you in our arms when you need to cry.
Today, right now, make a list of names of all of your favorite Sisters and put it in your pocket or purse. Whenever it feels overwhelming just put your hand there and feel our strength. (that was a tip from Lynn2 from when she went on the Anderson Cooper show).
You have been so strong and so courageous in your choices so far trish, you will get through this. It will clear the cobwebs and give you clarity.
We all love you ~ JoAnn
Trish, I have known since July 11, 2012. My husband’s addiction counselor told me Saturday “The truth as your husband knows it today, will not be the truth as he knows it a year from now.” In other words, they can only admit to as much as they have come to recognize at the truth. You are not about to hear the whole truth. He is likely more afraid than you are. You did nothing wrong, you have nothing horrible to admit to, you are a very strong, beautiful woman with a wonderful future ahead of you. My thoughts and meditations will be with you today. Take deep, rich, slow breaths, open your heart to the natural world around you, hold your friends hand, give her a hug. You are a strong woman.
Trish,
Whatever you hear, whatever you feel, whatever you do… we are behind you. Soooo glad you have a friend along.
Yes, I did have the names of the SOS sisters who had posted and replied and just helped me breathe through my journey, all written on an index card in my pocket while I was on the show. I touched it every time I felt like I was going to cry or faint or scream (who in their right mind would put themselves on national TV when they KNOW all those are a distinct possiblity?) It really helped me keep my focus. Which, I guess, was the same. NO MORE HIDING, the truth has to come out so we can move forward on solid ground.
I call BS on them not knowing the truth. They HID the truth so they knew it enough to lie about it. I do believe that they will only tell so much at a time. You may or may not get it all but you will have some basis for going forward.
We will be here for you Trish. You are doing what you need to do in order to make decisions for yourself. You are in control.
Go read Courtney’s “fuck that” list if you get shaky.
Good thoughts coming your way.
Trish, we’ll be right there with you, with strength and support. I haven’t had my disclosure yet so I understand both the fear and the need you are feeling. I’m glad you have a friend to go with you, especially since she is going through the same thing. What a comfort that must be!
With love and {{{Hugs}}},
DaisyTrish,
You might not get the whole enchilada but you will get enough to start to understand what was going on in the background of your marriage. Try to imagine a moat between you and your SA. Do not take on any of his shame. He will be oozing with shame. This is the most important part of it all. Do NOT take on his shame. It had/has nothing to do with you. NOTHING.
We will be there holding up a steel barrier to bounce off his shame and sickness. Just imagine us doing that.
You can have sadness for his sickness and the harm he did to you and your family, but that’s all it is. HIS crap.
Deb
Trish – my stomach is in knots thinking of what you are going through but you have all of us behind you. I love your friend who went with you – she is incredible! I hope she finds peace in her own situation. Tell her to join this site if she hasn’t already! 😉
Trish, good luck today. Please let us know how it goes when you feel able. I hope that you get what you need.
I think these guys know what they did and they know that it’s wrong- I think they know the truth about that. And I think they are perfectly capable of telling on themselves as far as that goes. As fas as other truths- like knowing why they did what they did and what the consequences are to those around them and who is really responsible for their behavior- I don’t know if they ever really know those truths.
Sending such warm wishes for you today. Thank God for girlfriends! Keep us posted, because we’re all walking in each other’s shoes and want to know if you’re okay.
Much love, Claire
I really do pray for you during this difficult time. We’ve all been there, but at the midst of all of this mess. A new year is ahead of you. Think of a new beginning for yourself. I have hope….
~hope.
Trish, we believe in you, and the power of life that is in you.
I hope it isn’t too awful. But if it is, remember you are no longer alone in this.
love,
D.Back home and it did not go well. It was not a disclosure but rather a letter that he wrote to me and read to me while barely making eye contact. He only admitted to porn and looking at a couple of adult dating sites – reading the teaser tag lines but never going in. When I got to ask questions he admitted to creating a profile asking for short term, one on one sex, but then followed up by saying that was years ago and he never paid to actually join so it did not really mean anything. He admitted to having had several different email accts but only years ago – nothing now. He basically denied everything besides porn use and then floored me by saying that he had decided to refuse any type of truth verification – Polygraph or CVSA – which he had agreed to last Thursday. He said he had done his own research and they only measure stress and that he would absolutely not do either. I felt he was lying the whole time and I told him so. I said that the only way I had to believe him at this point, when so many lies had been told, was to have him take the test for me and my peace of mind and again he refused. So I stood up and said “then I guess we are finished here” and I walked out. He did not try to stop me, and neither did his therapist. We drove 6 hrs home and there was an email from him telling me to email him any further questions and he will email back the answers so that it is done in a rational and complete way with full documentation. So I guess he did not find me rational – FUCK THAT! I also got an email from our provider saying that the acct password on his email acct had been changed tonight. He sent the same letter that he read to me to our four children along with an addendum saying that he would not take a polygraph or CVSA. I believe he is probably now monitoring my cell phone calls so he can see that I have called some attorneys. And his comment that everything should now be documented tells me his original offer to make a separation easy will probably now be fought by his attorney. He originally promised me the house and all of its contents and that he would assume all the debt and provide me alimony. I am betting that offer will be off the table fast. I feel run over. Just popped 2 Xanax so I am off to bed. I have cried so hard today and tonight that my eyes are tiny slits and my nose is so stuffed up I may have to sit up half the night just to breath. I am devastated, broken hearted all over again – how many times can a human heart break until there is no recovering? And can you run out of tears? I have used years worth the last 4 weeks. Gin and Xanax are probably not a good combo so I just better get into bed. Tomorrow has to be better – it absolutely could not be worse! Thanks for all of the support – it means the world to me? Any of you in NC?
I’m so sorry Trish that it did not go well, although I’m not sure what “well” looks like in this situation. I think your instinct that he is a lying sack of shit is absolutely justified. That would be my read anyway. There are no words I can think of to make you feel better other than letting you know I’m thinking about you and sending you all the strength and support I can muster up.
{{{hugs}}}
DaisyTrish,
I live in Charleston, SC. I’m flying through Charlotte on Thursday on my way back to SF to pack up our house. I’ll be back around Dec. 27. Charlotte is only 3 hours away. Let me know where you live.
I’m so sorry that your SAH did this to you. Where did you drive to for the disclosure? Atlanta? Sounds like such a waste of a beautiful day.
Sounds like your SAH is now going to play the “victim”. She didn’t believe me…..and I wasn’t going to be “trapped” by a CVSA. I only looked at porn!! Honest!! OMG. Who has that flat headed shovel? I’d like to use it about now.
So – the trauma of deception is met with more deception? Time to get out of the line of fire.
Deb
5:30am – wide awake for last 2 hours, with burning eyes, sick stomach and broken heart. Welcome to Tuesday!
Trish,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know you are so disappointed. I think we want to hear them to man up- come clean, show remorse, take responsibility, and recognize the pain and damage they do to us. But it seems like they either go into denial, clam up, and play the victim (like Deb said) or start crying and pleading and playing the victim, or in some other way make it all about them. What did the therapist do during all of this?So sorry he is now showing his true stripes. Sending that letter to your kids, changing his email account password, that email about doing things rationally and so there’ is documentation…sounds like he is getting ready for a fight and he’s talked to attorney or someone about divorce, too. Which probably played into why he didn’t admit to anything you didn’t already know about.
So this is the man you have spent your life with. This is now he acts when the “for better or worse” is just worse and it’s because of him. It’s just awful, horrible, indescribably painful.
I’m so sorry Trish. I haven’t heard of many of these things going well. They seem to “come clean” once you already have all the proof.
I know you must be reeling. Take sometime and just lie in bed if you need to. Please do not email him anything that he can use against you. Best to go silent for now. He has shown you his true self. Believe him.
We are all hurting with you and for you.
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