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Dear Trish,
I am so sorry. He is lying to you. 100%. Your instincts are correct and he will NOT be giving you what you need. I am really sorry but glad you didn’t wait months and months and months for the same outcome. HUGE HUG Karen xx
So sorry you had to go through that farce of a disclosure. He was so cowardly hiding behind his letter. You mentioned the terms of divorce, trust your gut when those ideas pop into your head and take any appropriate action. Write things down so you don’t have to rethink it later. Even thinking is so exhausting.
Keep posting. I’m so sorry it turned out this way.
Love, Debora
In the email to our children he says “Mom has requested that I take a polygraph or a CVSA (computer voice stress analysis)as a means to verify my disclosure. Both of these tests measure stress levels experienced by a subject during an interrogation. Neither test is able to discern truth from deceit. You should know that I have declined Mom’s request. If there is no trust between us, the results of a polygraph or CVSA will not change that or any of the other issues between Mom and I.” REALLY???? He thinks I should be trusting him???? NOW????? Am I crazy or is that FUCKED UP????????
You are not crazy. That’s the way their twisted minds work. Of course there is no trust- he broke it, and it was up to him to do whatever needed to be done to restore your trust by completely open and honest. You told him what you needed. He’s throwing it back in your face and blaming you. Sorry, Trish, but it’s very typical.
Love the pic, by the way. Hang in there today and vent away to us. He’s an ass for sending that to your kids.
That pic was the night before discovery – we were all dressed up at a gala in Philadelphia. I was happy! 24hrs later my world ended.
Trish, you are decidedly NOT crazy, it IS fucked up, and he IS lying. I guess the silver lining here (if you can call it that) is his ‘disclosure by omission’ and resultant actions should be enough to let you know what you need to do regarding your marriage – AND you were spared the details so you don’t have all that filth residing in your mind forever. I would consider myself lucky in that regard. I’m so sorry he turned out to be just like the rest of them. Love, Liza
Oh, Trish, so sorry about all of this horrible stuff, honey. These men really aren’t worth our tears, are they? However you need to, channel your anger into getting what you need and him out of your life, and then cry your eyes out honey, we’ll be here. And don’t let him see any more of your tears or vulnerability, he has not proven himself worthy of your heart and vulnerability. You are a real woman and you are lovely. Resolve to spend your time with people who know that about you, and he isn’t one of them.
What a lying coward. I would take a polygraph on anything I was accused of IF I WAS INNOCENT. Yes, I was yelling.
I am so sorry Trish. I hate when they say there can’t be a relationship without trust, ummm, he gives you no reason to trust him! And he won’t take a polygraph! Sure, sure, he deserves your trust! What an ass. They just don’t get it. He should do what you asked him to do. Oh he’s not going to take a polygraph because it only measures stress. Such a cop out. He’s not ready to be truthful to anyone. I’m so sorry.
YES BEV! AN INNOCENT PERSON HAS NO PROBLEM WITH A POLYGRAPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I’M YELLING TOO!!!). ARGHHHHHHH!
Trish,
What a disaster. Yes, he’s locking down for a battle. It’s unfortunate, but then it also tells you that he has his own interests at heart 100%, as if his behavior already wasn’t proof enough. So, you can focus on your needs 100% without any hesitation. He’s got his needs covered, asshole.
If you suspect your phone and computer are monitored, I’m sure they are. Mine were. Get others to use, borrow or trade or whatever.
I am in NC, near Charlotte, 18 mins from the airport. Tell me how and when I can help, I’ll be there.
Lynn
Trish,
I’m sorry to hear another disclosure disaster from a sister. He is in self righteous mode now so let it keep him warm. You are not crazy. This is part of what they do. He is in a corner now and he knows it so he’s pushing back with polygraph refusals. Been there, done that.
Up the ante-file first!!! Serve his self righteous ass papers and get everything you can, at least ask for it via attorney I say.
Any man who doesn’t want to lose his wife and has “come clean” would jump to prove he’s not lying.
Kudos to you for calling bs on his refusal and ending that traumatic session by walking out!! You rock!
Put him on ignore while you regroup. If he pushes it tell him you have nothing to say right now. Don’t engage, get a disposable phone for future calls and a new laptop or iPad that even your kids don’t know about.
Reveal nothing and make him sweat a bit.
File for divorce if you truly see no future anymore with him
Hugs to you!!
For NowI have calmed down a tad. I just really got to thinking how f’n stupid the cop out answers are for a polygraph. I do understand in criminal matters that a lawyer tells you do not take one ( the same reason they don’t like you on a witness stand). But lawyers do not KNOW for a fact that you are innocent. I know for a fact that I have never been unfaithful in my marriage. Bring on the poly. It’s one question Trish wanted answered : ” Did you ever cheat on me with a real live woman?”
She wasn’t going to grill him on his 1987 tax returns. She didn’t want to know if he wet the bed in 4th grade. She wanted one simple question. Its mind boggling.
Trish, you won’t get better advice anywhere – listen to For Now and do whatever she tells ya to do 🙂
Hell, we ALL pretty much know what to do after seeing this story repeat itself ad nauseum. The fuckers are ALL the same.
Bev you make me laugh about the taxes and bed wetting.
Trish, he’s got some fucking nerve saying you didn’t trust him! Well no shit Sherlock!!!
He caused this shit storm of no trust but in typical sa fashion he’s blame shifting.
I hate these fuckers!!!!
And , yes, goddammit to hell, the poly would improve the fuckin trust issues.
Just give me his phone number. The more I think about it the madder I get….
Sorry Trish, they drive me to insane anger.
I just got a call from my attorney. They moved my appointment from tomorrow morning to tonight at 5pm. I will be asking her to draw up papers for a legal separation. You have all said over and over that their actions will say it all and his actions are yelling at me right now – I have to pay attention to that and protect myself. Our next contact will be from my attorney. Lynn I am outside Winston-Salem. Just over an hour from Charlotte.
You are a wise woman Trish about listening to his actions and not his words. Very wise.
Let him be blindsided by filing just like he’s done to you
And when he blows getting the papers remind him what he said about if there’s no trust then why stay married.
I’m so glad the appt was changed to today.
Get a new phone and pc too!!!!
My laptop and iPad are mine and at this point I don’t care who he sees I call or who calls me. The attorney thought she could have papers ready and to him by next week. He works in another state so he has no access to my computers. The new reality that he destroyed our marriage and our family will hit him squarely between the eyes when those papers arrive at his office next week. My kids thought his refusal to take the poly was his attempt to call my bluff and see if I would back down. As I have told him since the discovery 11/4, I am not the helpless woman I was the first go round. I think the fact that I have been reading and speaking to therapists including Minwalla is freaking him out. I am much more sure of myself this time and as much as I never wanted to be divorced, and as sad as I am, I will not roll over and play dead. I am going to fight for my life and my future with my children. Today though, I am in my bed, crying, and don’t plan to get up until my therapy appt which is right before the lawyer appt later today.
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