Before and After

Was I happy in my marriage prior to d-day? No, but it was never “bad enough” to leave. ( The book “Too Good to Leave, Too Good to Stay” is excellent, by the way, discovered it after d-day) In the last year prior to d-day, it got worse….no connection or intimacy at all, no help with kids or house, a feeling that he was constantly irritated with me, and I resented him. I tried to talk to him, and would only get “I love you” and nothing changed and no further conversation from him, on many occasions….and I started thinking about not being married to him and wrapping my tongue around the word divorce and trying it on. So when d-day #1 came, my first thought was “Wow! I don’t have to live like this anymore! I am not going to live like this anymore.” and I was so relieved. Yes, my first thought on finding out for the first time that my husband had a secret relationship with another woman was …..relief. Our relationship had become worse as the years had gone by, so gradually that I didn’t even realize how bad it was until we essentially didn’t have a relationship at all anymore. We have worked hard to regain the relationship/friendship we used to have. I have known him for 30 years and feel like the relationship we have now is the most honest and closest relationship I have had with him. That doesn’t mean it will work, but it’s a good start.

Hi Nap – How are you doing? In answer to your question – Before I married Steve, he took the lie detector test, and I was convinced he was telling the truth and working hard on recovery. Before the marriage, everything was wonderful- the man of my dreams. He was attentive, loving, and intimate. Before the ink was dry on the marriage certificate, he began shutting off to me, I caught him in many lies, and found his addiction was going full force. It was downhill from there! I can honestly say he was the best con man I have ever seen, and I have been exposed to many of them. He was even better at it than my father, or at least a close facsimile thereof. It will be 1 yr. of marriage April 10th, and it took me until March to make up my mind to file. I guess I really knew it 6 mo. ago – just took me this long to get there.
Hope you are doing well.

Starry- just read your post, as well. I am so very happy things are going well for you-You and Marie certainly deserve it, and it is commendable that you can put yourselves “out there” and be vulnerable.
I said so many times, that the relationship was perfect if it weren’t for the addiction. Unfortunately, my SA was not able to put me first, fight for our marriage, and quit the lieing. He said on RN that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.
Well guess what – too late. He is a day late and a dollar short. He may verbalize it, but they are only words or he would have done something about it.

We were very happy for 9 years, or so I thought anyways. I thought I was living my perfect life. Loving, caring, sweet, kind, hardworking, good looking husband, wonderful family. Great kids and great co parents. Successful business we built from the ground up.

Then about six months before D-Day #1 things started to deteriorate, but I didnt think it was anything serious. Then he picked a weird fight and stormed out and my gut started screaming at me and I went into his email. I was so trusting he hadn’t hid anything. There were four women he was having sex with and I was three months pregnant, thinking we were happy. I was shattered.

Now we have had a “disclosure:” and I found out he was never faithful that 9 years. 4-5 women a year and lucky me just found out he has not one, but two babies with different acting out partners.

I never would have guessed during that 9 years this would be where we are today. If someone had told me, I would have called them a liar.

Lori

Looking back our relationship went from uncomfortable to awfull. The uncomfortable was him choosing events or other people over me over time and not showing any empathy for me. Two examples, a female friend he hung out once a week with during school to go smoke pot (school spouse..instead of works spouse, totally not appropriate relationship (Dr. Phil term)) and his choice to go to bachelor party in montreal despite my wishes and how awful that made me feel. I did not feel all that important, i questioned slightly, but he told me and then i told myself…that I am just a jealous untrusting person, the suspicous type. So we still got married. Other things popped up videos on the computer, interent links. Etc. He said it was not him, then he would admit. But I never thought it as a problem, all guys do this right? Told him to keep it to magazines so the kids would not find anything awful. Well he did not, kept to the vidoes, computer, etc. tons of it laying around if anyone searched. He would also tell white lies of his whereabouts; i never knew or know where he really was. Just have an off feeling. I had known for about a year prior to d-day that he was lying to me, but i did not know about what. Then I found the DVD’s etc. Broke his cover. He has never admitted to more than I have found out, which I find very unlikley. I still think he is lying to preserve himself and his lifestyle. And then to boot found a hooker call card, still will not admit to it.

Face value he seemed to be the right guy and great for me. But after time, he lied and is deceitful, and lazy. My feelings went from uneasy to wrose. These are things unfortunately that take time to figure out especially when you are being played.

Sharron, Same here. My relationship with my SA husband was not enriching to me either. this is how I have come to make my decision as well. I think about us and it is me that gives gives gives, and he takes takes takes. This is not a life, this is not intimacy and is not a loveing relationship. Now that I put it upon his shoulders to make amends, therpay, and to let me know how he is doing; I do not hear anything. Once I stepped out and backed off, he has become non-existant. Unf. we have a daughter together, so I will never be free of him.

HERE HERE!!!!!!!NAP
LUV YOU

Hi NAP, Pam, and Lori,
I am so sorry for the pain and turmoil that your husbands have put you through these last few days. I find myself thinking, “How dare they????” And the thing that really gets me is all of the time and energy and negative feelings that we spouses invest in this sort of thing……in addition to our “normal” every day lives. I have lived with my SA continuously since d-day/recovery and the early days were a roller coaster. the thing about recovery is that they have to be far enough into it to “get” it, and my experience was that it happens gradually over a period of months and months. Lori, if your husband volunteered that spontaneously in a disclosure without threat of a lie detector test imminently, I have to give him credit for that. That was honest and that took courage. And doing so is important to his recovery. The news is devastating and sucks, big time…..but even moreso if you found out some way other than from him. Pam, it’s hard to know if he really wants to recover, or he is just manipulating at this point. The fact that you found porn 5 days after his intent seemed to be recovery doesn’t mean that he isn’t truly invested in recovery, it might just mean he is horribly addicted and that is not an uncommon thing for an addict to use in early recovery. I’m not saying it’s okay or excusing it, it’s not okay. I am saying listen to your instincts, know your boundaries. NAP, I think you and I really are married to the same guy. One of the most frustrating things for me is having to have the same conversation about the same issues over and over again. Makes.Me. Crazy. So I had to figure out how NOT to do that anymore and I came up with the idea of a “Resolved Book”.
I got a notebook and when an issue that has come up on more than one occasion comes up again, we discuss it and then write it in the book, so we don’t have to keep having the conversation. I don’t have to repeat myself over and over to the other people in my life, just him, and I think the reason was he could say, “I don’t remember that” or I didn’t hear you say that” or that’s not what I got out of that conversation” or “I didn’t know you meant that for EVERY time I…..” There is proof, written and dated and easily accessible to refer back to, this was the issue, this is how we have agreed to resolve it) It sounds kind of stupid, but that way he is accountable for his choices and I don’t look like the crazy one.
I am thinking about you ladies, stay sane, stay strong:)
I wouldn’t wish what you are going through on anyone, but we are where we are. Use your intelligence, and your honesty, and your courage and go forth:) If he wants to catch up with you, he will and if he gets left behind…. then he does. And it’s okay.

Love you,
Marie

I hope the book is a huge thick one 🙂

I like your question to your H Lindy !

Marie and All:
I really like your conversation notebook. I think maybe I will start doing that too. And yes, it will be very thick indeed, my SA has short term memory problems, and poor cognitive thinking skills (I say that sarcasticlly, haha).

Part of our working through this next year together is that I am requiring him to read the book by Barbara Steffens, ‘Your Sexually Addicted Spouse’. I feel that until he understands where I have been, he won’t be able to truly work on anything with me. He said it is giving him a new perspective (yep it has always been all about him, no empathy). He actually mentioned it in his last Step at his group meeting.

Now, having said that…will it really make a difference in his recovery, or mine? I don’t know, but one can hope.

By the way ladies, you all gave me the giggles this morning with your comments, it felt so good to laugh about this, rather than cry! Love you all.