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With my PTSD I can’t seem to shake some visions or memories from my head. It is not that I actively think about these things, the thoughts just keep popping up. Sometimes I feel like my brain does this because I question the accuracy. It is like I have to replay situations or discussions in my mind and ask myself if that really happened. I know that we have posted about the various things that our SA’s have said to us, and much of it seems like they are reading from the same script. All those canned phrases. What behaviors or body language does your SA use when being asked about this stuff?
Example:
Deer in the headlights! When I am asking questions he would get this frozen big eyed stare.
If I was crying he would just stare at me.
He acted like he was a punished little boy that was put in time out. Waiting for Mama to say he can come out of the room now.
He told me that if I didn’t get over this, he was …D…O..N…E….(he spelled the word out in an ugly voice )
ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! What behaviors or body language did you see?
Cindy,
I would get anger and rage a lot from him or he would just walk off. The anger and rage was used as intimidation. The waking off was use as “I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that and go do something else”. Or he would leave for a few hrs, using it as an opportunity to go have sex with someone. His behaviors were very passive aggressive, elusive, evasive, and moody. If I every wanted to just have a conversation with him about anything important it was like trying to catch smoke. He never responded to my crying either if anything it mad him mad.Well, I haven’t asked him about most of this stuff because when I found out, I kicked him out and haven’t really spoken to him since.
When I knew about his “Porn-only” sex addiction and near misses…I didn’t ask much because then I was accused of being critical controlling, not letting it go, etc. Our marriage counselors never asked him about any of it and basically told me to put it in the past because he was in recovery now. And to stay out of his recovery (but there was never any accountability put in place).
I do know now that when I caught him lying (although I didn’t know it at the time) or on his computer, he would raise his chin, clench his jaw, look a bit dazed. And he would always pause before he responded. Now I can spot it a mile away but I almost never speak to him and when I do, he tends to be much more confrontational (still the clenched jaw). I can pick up his BS in an email now, too.
But boy oh boy, could he listen and care about the woman at work. The one he had an affair with and lost his job over when I asked him HOW he could do this he said “I felt sorry for her. She was married to an asshole, he was cheating on her with numerous women. She needed someone to talk to. I was smitten.”
I definitely get the “deer in the headlights” frozen thing. That’s how I know he’s lying. It’s better than a lie detector.
deer in the headlights
slouched shoulders
wouldn’t look me in the eye (i remember begging him to)
before a binge (i know now) crazy eyes, distraction/depresssion in the form of an eerie quiet. angry body stance.
thinking about that shit – greedy grin, sparkly eyes (that one is the creepiest)
confrontation – walk away, pretend he didn’t hear me.
day to day – so so polite! and considerate! with too much inflection.ugh
Like you say, Deb, deer in the headlights – he will stare at me for 45 seconds straight when I’m onto something. This is because he knows he can’t lie, so he just says nothing. Then the next day, he spills the beans, lots of them, gives me the grand picture behind the basic question.
Lisacay, I know the greedy grin, sparkly eyes, I’ve seen it once when I suggested to my brother that maybe the neighbors were skinny dipping. Creepy.
When my husband talks to me about what happened, he looks like he is going to throw up. I have never seen these facial expressions before, it’s like his queesy stomach is in his face, very similar to the night he stared at me for fifteen minutes, while I watered the indoor plants. That was right before he told me his first stuff. It’s like he’s scared to death, has a gun to his head, and is about to be shot.
I could barely stand to read this post because my H is the worst liar on the planet. I always knew he was lying!! I just never dreamed he was lying about F’n hookers and what not.
My son got in trouble at school on Friday. The dean of students called me and told me what had happened. It wasn`t a huge deal ( 12 year old boy crap). Anyway, Mr.D told me what his punishment would be etc…then he said, “I really want to commend Ryder for telling the truth to me from the beginning. I deal with so many Middle School students that try to lie their way out of everything. Ryder was honest from the start and actually communicated with me instead of looking around and shuffling his feet.”
This was relayed to my H and he said “thank God you taught them to be honest”……I just shook my head and walked away.
yes thank god for you in your children’s life bev. and thank god you walked away from what your DA said, what can one say to that?
I always thought my H had a weird way of describing people. Exampe: Me: Did you meet Joe’s wife. What is she like.
Him: Short, no chest brown hair. Or …big boobs, big ass, blonde hair. Never did he say she was pleasant or nice or friendly. I told him that was not normal. He also IMO has odd taste in women, which i admit is giving me doubt on my own looks and self esteem. He likes fat big, big ass, huge breasted, blonde ugly women. Woman people make fun of in the mall type women. Creeps me out.Hey, Bev- Goodness knows your son didn’t get that from DA. Do you think he was also maybe suggesting that no one taught him to be honest (so maybe therefore he’s not to blame? It’s just such a weird comment given the circumstances.
You are a strong woman to be able to keep your mouth shut and walk away from that.
86,
Mine would do the same thing very creepy. Heres my example:
Him: “I had to fire a girl at work today. I feel bad about it.”
Me: “Why did you have to fire her?”
Him: “She didn’t do her job and she called in absent a lot”
Me: “Well, it sounds like you did the right thing”. “What was she like?”
Him: “Young, 25, big boobs, and she brought me coffee every morning. I think she liked me.”I have no clue what he meant by it Teri..It was so stupid I figured there was no point responding. The whole thing just made me shake my head…
Let him figure it out…or not.
Penny, ‘his queasy stomach is in his face.’ That is classic, and describes how mine is too..along with moving his hand repeatedly over his head and face. xoxo
Mine would *stroke * his weird mustache and goatee with his fingers – his eyes moving back and forth and just fingering his face – just making up the lies as he went along – really creepy
Also:
used emotionally distanced ( avoidance ) by yelling, intimidating, gas lighting to turn the tables
ANd, if he was going to an ::early work meeting:: ahem, he would just run out the door without making eye contact
What a loser he is…
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