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for 18 months i have gone from love to hate, trusting to distrusting, admiration to loathing. at times i want a life together other times i wish he would fall off a cliff. you get the picture but the other day i went to him and i was in this hate mode and i said such mean things to him even as i was doing this im thinking wtf you dont want or mean this what am i doing. well when i was done and left i broke down into tears i could not stop you know the kind snot flying couldnt breath tears. and it hit me im getting as sick as he is this is not me this is not who i want to be. so i drove back to see him and i apologised to him for saying those horrible things to him and he says what did you say. well the lights went on and for the first time i saw him. he feels nothing those words hurt me saying them i could only imagine how he felt hearing them. yet he didnt. its now been 10 days since he left in that time christmas came and went. my 4 year old granddaughter wants to know where grumpy is. so tonight i went again to him and asked him what are his plans he says he has no earthy idea. well i told him he has 2 choices recovery or get in his truck and hit the road. i told him there are no other choices. a or b well he says i think you need to leave. i said for someone who wants a life with me your sure as hell are pushing me away and each time i get further. have any one of you seen changes in yourself you didnt like.
Hi Katt,
I know I have in the past not now obviously because it’s over. I do believe, in my opinion, if we stay with an ‘active’ addict we do become as sick as they are. We tolerate and accept way too much mistreatment. I think this takes a real toll on us if we are aware of it or not. I think the choices you gave your partner demonstrate your wakefulness and healthy place in all the madness. Stay centered Katt!
Love, NapOh yes, katt, I’ve seen changes in myself that I don’t like at all. And then like you, I’ll go from rage to sorrow to compassion to who knows what. A while back I even made a post with almost the exact same title as yours, because I feel like two separate people a lot of the time. I’m sorry for my faulty memory, but does your husband not even admit he has a problem?
anniem he admits this last time he even told my son hes addicted to porn and fucks whores. my son is 21, until now nobody had any idea. i was the crazy one. a big problem i think my partner can not separate the addictive behaviors with me. he was doing ok until a few weeks ago then all hell broke lose. im willing to work on us but not until he lives,breaths, eats recovery. my story was posted but truth is its so much longer now.
The biggest change to my core self is that I have a real aversion to men when I’m out in public. In spite of my awful history with them, I’ve always loved men or at least found them amusing. Now, when I see a man sitting in his car–say, in the Publix parking lot, talking on his cell phone, I assume the worst. I don’t like to stand near men in line. I avoid eye contact.
katt, I just read your story. My God.. I don’t know how you’ve managed to endure all this. My heart hurts for you. Like the other sisters said, you have a beautiful pure soul. I know it’s probably hard to see that for yourself, but it’s crystal clear to other people. It shines through. I wish I could take away all the incredible pain you’ve suffered through your life. It is humbling to read your story and to see how your beautiful spirit has remained intact through all of this. xoxo
annie it was what it was i didnt know any different. for me that mind set is easy, thats my biggest struggle now. its so damn easy to just survive living is the hard part for me.
much love kattDear Katt
Living with addiction is crazy making, most unhealthy living. I very much relate to the love/hate, stay / go, all over the place day to day. Indeed it is an awful thing. I am sorry you are in such turmoil.
But as the light went on, No, he is not going to get it. Not now. Not in 20 years. There may be some improvement, I mean those that really committ to recovery seem to be few a far between. But, the real question is, WHAT CAN WE LIVE WITH? CAN WE LIVE WITH STATUS QUO? If we can, than we can. For whatever our reasons. Whatever benefits there are. If we can’t then we just can’t. And we divide the marriage.
So many of us are still in limbo. The purgatory of “to be or not to be”. As Shakespeare says. That is the question for us.
This is a journey. I think we all lose sight of that sometimes. A journey of our life, and seeking our recovery. We cannot lose site of that. Eventually, I think each one of us will reach a point where, we say, for now I stay. OR, I go. But the in between where we are summing up and measuring the damage, deciding major on whether our love is enough to stay, well that is up to each one of us.
I support you no matter what you decide. But if you are waiting for some miraculous change in him, for life to become that much better, just read this website. Sorry, but all we can is choose what is right for US. It is all we have. love to youKatt-
I have gone through so many changes since my nightmare began 3 yrs. ago. I also go from love to hate, and have done it many times-still am.
I can totally empathize with you. The audicity of your h telling you he thinks you should leave. Sure doesn’t sound like he has any motivation to change, nor does he really want to. You did the right thing by giving him 2 choices.
I most recently did the same thing, and we are in separate bedrooms. Steve only has three things to get under control before we can have a marriage again. They are lying, show empathy, and full disclosure. He has not been able to do any of them, and I am 99/ 44% sure he never will. I think we all have to decide is the pain worth the gain – .what gain??
Here I am giving advice again, but until your SA shows some semblence of being motivated I think hitting the road for him is the best bet, and you told him the right thing. I sure hope you don’t decide to be the one to leave. He has created this hell for you, and you stay put.
After the shit Steve pulled on Xmas day, he has been the perfect husband. This is his pattern, but he has not to this day been able to be consistent. I think he wants to change, and these SA’s just can’t – at least the majority of them. So, even in the best of circumstances, which you don’t even
have, living with an SA is heartbreaking. Mine is also BPD, and that even makes the problem more complicated.
Sorry – am giving advice. If you don’t want me to, just say so. I am like Lexie, when push comes to shove, I can’t keep my mouth shut.
So sorry for your pain. Stick to you guns!!
Love you.sharron thank you i will not be leaving this is my house until all this sa shit came about i never felt it was my house. we picked it together,we have been fixing it together. but i am the one who paid in full. i hate to see this way it has never been about money. the reason he told me to leave is because he has thoughts about raping me. seems when ever he does not what to deal he has thoughts about raping me. he says right now he can not be around me.
much love kattps right now he is staying and working on the house i bought my daughter. its right around the corner. funny i havent turned the christmas lights on since last week one night he came over and turned them all on. i asked him what and why he said he can see them and they remind him of me. all i see is what could have been
Oh my God Katt- he really is sick! Glad you will be staying in the house. Rape you???
Don’t know if you remember, but Steve sexualized/objectified his daughter last summer. She called the other night, so it brought up the topic once again. He say’s he cannot be around her again until he resolves the issue with his counselor – afraid he will do it again. They are all s-o-o-o sick!!! Probably one of the few things he has told the truth about in thel ast year.
Hugssharron they are his thoughts if he wanted to do it he could have. we were alone have been many times i have no fear of him in that way.
Katt,
This may sound strange but hear me out. You say that your SA is working on your daughter’s house and your house needs a ton of work. May I make a suggestion; only allow him to work furiously on your house. Get as much done so if/when he leaves you have floors and insulation in your home.
By allowing him to work on her house, he becomes the good one and you again look like the problem. She will remember the effort he put into her, protecting her and you who will have no floor in your house and if you should be frustrated or depressed, she will resent you and turn it on you. Why are you so mad or why are you hostile, when she is sitting in her house with heat and comfort and you have been left having to go out and cut your wood and lug it into the house when you don’t feel up to it.
The SA is excellent at setting you up to look unreasonable.
You daughter is an adult, you have provided her a place, she needs to make the sacrifice and investments in the house. Believe me I have lived through this and was left with thousands of dollars in needed repairs to the property I have while my daughter lives carefree in the mobile home we invested in and fixed up for her. No investment on her part and now her housing cost are $350 a month – the real clencher is I was the one that made that possible not the SA. As usual I was the one who did all the planning, research, running around finding things and he has all the credit – I am the bitch. When your children have to make the sacrifices, they will value what opportunity you provided them even getting a place they could live.
Protect yourself, if he works on anything have it be your house only.jeannette and diane the thought of him working on this house kills me. this was a dream we were working on together for the last five years. it was so much a part of us and what we were creating. the plans were ours together. we took the house down to studs every aspect of it was together to the point of where to put the outlets. so for now i can not let him if he can not find some sort of plan for recovery. if not i can do a lot of the work if not right now i could care less. its just a house, that means very little to me.
thanks much love katt
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