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Hi all,
I know I am one of many who are in the process of ending their relationship with their SA. Some days I’m very happy and feel excited about my future and then I’ll have a day that is just glum…still sure of the decision to end it but just blah…..do you have these days too and how do you handle them. Thanks for sharing.Hi Nap,
Sorry you are having “one of those days…” Well, being the night owl that I am, it is now 1:31 a.m. (Indiana time, anyway) so we are now into the NEXT day… hopefully this one will be a better day. Nap, I have both kinds of days as well, and as you know, have made my decision, but yet to “pull the trigger”…. or give SA HIS D-day or however you want to look at it. Even in my situation, as I make sure that each day I do at least ONE thing toward working on my goal (even if it is a baby step) and I still have bad days. I can guarentee once the war begins…. there will be many interesting days in my near future… including bittersweet days. I actually no longer love my SA, I almost hate him, but I regret what “could have been” if he wasn’t an SA. Or at least, what MAY have been. As I learn from other sisters, do my own research, and come to terms with my personal situation with SA, I am starting to wonder if he ever loved me at all? Am I just his cover? I know he LIKED me for quite awhile because we were good friends forEVER…. unfortunately, that has went away as well the last couple of years and one of the solid reasons why my decision is to go – without even considering a second chance. (He is in such a trance 24/7 due to SA that, like Flora said, I am just the jailer now, the bitch, the person in the way). I wonder if my situation is unique at all – considering there will be no room for discussion or negotiation and no second chances. My decision for that is based off the fact that I HAVE gave him 2nd chances (more than one) in the past when I thought he was being unfaithful (as in having an affair, fling, one night stand, etc.) We did marriage counseling, read books, talked to pastors, etc. but looking back now, I see that was all to satisfy ME and then he would pick up where he left off as soon as he thought the coast was clear…sigh… All along, I hated that I married “one of those guys” and I had turned into the wife that “looked the other way” in order to preserve the marriage. UGH!!!!!!!!!!! As if that isn’t pathetic enough, then YEARS later find out he is actually an SA…… and a predator one at that….. well, that is just something I can NOT live with. I have had one foot out the door for years and I always hoped I wouldn’t go to my grave simply regretting not having the courage to demand respect, have high expectations, be in a loving, mutual relationship, or even live a happy life alone – anything but silently living in hell. I may be 48 years old and absolutely DREAD starting over, but I know at the end of the day (divorce, whatever) that I am going to be proud of myself… and Nap, that is something I haven’t been in a long, long, time. It’s overdue.
But I know I will have some sad days too…. and you have every right to feel that way. I know I will…. I already DO and it hasn’t even happened yet. I don’t have any advice to offer you and because of the timing in our two situations, I will probably be coming to YOU for this advice, but I just want you to know that I respect you and appreciate you and always notice your many great qualities whether it is giving out practical advice, posting a new (and sometimes fun) topic to get us going on something, or just sharing a piece of your heart with us….. You are so special Nap, and your SA really messed up. You deserve to be treated like that princess that you are….. and based on your courage and strength, YOU are the first person to treat yourself that way. I am so proud of you and can’t wait until I get enough of my details and work done that I can join the “Nap” club!
Here’s to a better tomorrow, Sister!!!!! XOXOXOThank you Silver Lining your sweet comments made my day. Wishing you all the best in your journey and sorry for the situation however, I think you’ll be just fine. You deserve more too…..Love, nap
NAP,
I usually let myself grieve on those days. Remember how I thought it was, cry. Also, I go back and reread SA material, and that reminds me of why I divorced. Now that I have found all of you, I read and post on here. May 1 will be one year since my divorce. Those glum days are farther and farther apart. I never believed people when they said this, but it does get better.My counselor told me that if I grieve this fully, I will be able to love again fully.
Polly
Hi NAP,
Do I have those days? of course. And those are usually spurd by watching a movie with a happy couple or seeing a happy family. Ugh. I mourn what could have been, even though I know full well that it is not possible with my SA. I think that is the key, we mourn what could have been, but reality was it never was. if I wanted I could continue in that life, but it was not right. Anytime I am threatened by the divorce, I feel like caving, because this is going to be a battle. But I just don;t know. I think my greatest hope is that i am creating a better future. The longer I am walking down the wrong path, the longer it will take to be on the right path to happiness and a better life. I just try to remain postive in that what happens happens, and this is supposed to happen. I often worry did I not give him enough time, was I just blind to his effort? But if I cave, I am sacrificing myself, and not listening to myself. Because I say, no he has not tried, and he does not deserve you. So I march on in hopes that this is really the right thing.P.S. I want to move in with you at the hotel. Sounds like a vacation. I am cleaning marathon at my house, appraiser is supposed to come soon, to see if I can get the mortgage. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
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