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i can not believe I am saying this. I’m sure it’s part of the process, and I’ve just not read about it yet.
Yesterday evening my H asked me to go play tennis with him. It was good to be outside, we’ve not played in two weeks. I liked that there is a chill.
H said something as were entering the courts that triggered me, “I have decided it’s you that I want, all that’s over.” I just ranted a while about “OH, it took you a year of marriage to DECIDE it’s me you REALLY want! I’m supposed to feel flattered, now? You want me to what, congratulate you on deciding to be faithful to your WIFE? etc. etc. in an embarrasing tirade of 4-5 minutes. He just looked down, and said. “No, I just wanted you to know.”
And the usual fire I felt on the tennis court since Dday? Gone. The anger, gone. The sadness, gone. It was all just gone. Not even numbness or emptiness.
We played in silence for a long time. H came to the net and looked at me and just shrugged. I said. “I’m bored.” and that was it. This whole big drama was suddenly so common, and vulgar, and repetitive it was just plain boring. I wanted to walk out and leave him there and just keep walking until I found something worth looking at, listening to, worth my attention. “US” was like an overplayed song on the radio. I just wanted to change the channel.
Is that normal? Or am I just entering another denial stage?
Hi Lynng I hope someone knows the answer to this cause I’m right there with you. I have chosen to stay but right now I am bored of it an just want to leave, maybe not leave but get some distance. Like move out and have space for me something for me.
It’s been 70 days since I found the full truth of the situation. He started in a 12 step programme and is doing well. The thing is, up until last night, I think he thinks that will be enough. Enough to repair our relationship because he is sober? Boy am I bored of him not being able to see past the programme. Don’t get me wrong I am really pleased he is doing so well but I am not and we are not. His sponsor said he shouldn’t’Hi Lynng I hope someone knows the answer to this cause I’m right there with you. I have chosen to stay but right now I am bored of it an just want to leave, maybe not leave but get some distance. Like move out and have space for me something for me.
It’s been 70 days since I found the full truth of the situation. He started in a 12 step programme and is doing well. The thing is, up until last night, I think he thinks that will be enough (we haven’t spoken really for 3 days, they are our fights it always starts with miss comunication from both of us).I let him know that a 12 step programme is not enough to repair our relationship. Boy am I bored of him not being able to see past the programme. Don’t get me wrong I am really pleased he is doing so well but I am not and we are not. His sponsor said he shouldn’t read other material which I’m sure he has misunderstood right?
I have stopped looking for stuff cause I don’t really care anymore, perhaps I just got bored of waiting my time. Perhaps I just find him boring.I think being constantly neglected is boring. There no thrill in cooking dinner for someone whos 30 min late and wondering if they did work late or decided to stop off for a blow job before dinner. It makes for a very boring life.
I had a friend in my cosa group (yes been there and did that 🙂 and she went through something like this. Her and her husband had all kinds of drama until she was ready to leave him and then he went to one of those long, expensive inpatient programs.It turned out his primary addiction was alcohol, though he has been screwing around too. Anyway, he did get sober and things calmed down and they were doing well. She was not angry at him anymore and she was proud of his progress. She was however plagued by fantasies of just being able to go off and live her own life. She wasn’t really sure what was causing these feelings BUT she thought that she had grown throughout the entire process and she no longer felt she needed him to live her own life. With no malice…she simply wished to live alone.
Karen xxOh, he’s so complex and mysterious! So fascinating! All that time he’s been claiming to want recovery and his family, he’s really still been trying to decide. He’s surprised by his decision. Who KNEW he’d choose the good and right thing?! Why, he’s delighted!
No wonder you’re bored.
I TOTALLY get this one. TOTALLY.
I bore easily. I need new material. And I’m happy to write it myself. But the hamster wheel of the SA behaviour and script just ceased to interest me. Same old. Same old. It NEVER went anywhere new. It was all serving the agenda that they are the centre of the universe and you build a sad, desperate world around them, and they throw you a crumb every now and then, and you are supposed to weep tears of gratitude and praise them for acting like a basic human being.
As I said before. Call the Russians. Take them to the space station. I hear the toilet’s always broken.Lynng
I cannot believe u posted this today
at salon getting hair done so plenty of time on my hands
my sah is out of town on business and it started hitting me how nice it is to be alone. How smoothly the house runs and how I am feeling like maybe he should move out and we should have some real distance between us. Only prob w that Is we can’t afford it right now
so was thinking about posting essentially the same thing w a twist. Since dday 2 he’s been 12 stepping and doing really well. He seems very committed to change for him. But believe this was only possible w anti anxiety meds he’s now on after years of begging but I digress. The reality is. I am proud of him. I am happy he is progressing well and hope he continues on his path. But since I’ve had so much peace without him lately (3rd out of 4th week traveling) I don’t care if he sticks with recovery or not. I feel like once everything settles out financially. I will be fine. It’s a nice place to be. I only wish the up I’m feeling today wouldn’t be followed by another low. But based on the past 6 months I know it will
is it awful of me to want to find some dirt on him when I’m having these I’ll be fine own my own days so I can kick him out on a high rather than a low??? I’m rambling now. XxooLadies,
Me too! Me too! I’m tired and bored of this whole SA bullshit, and I fantasize about living on my own again, just like I did before we met (I loved that time in my life). I may not move out physically, but I’ve been working on finding the old me, the person I was before all this happened. Hopefully in doing that, maybe I’ll be content again, AND, I really won’t give a rat’s ass what he does anymore.I don’t really like having a roomate to live with, but if he want’s to be mine…I guess I could do worse, haha. Isn’t that sad?
Love, LindyI’ll tell you what I think it might be.
I think the boredom is falling OUT of love. Its the internal realization that this man is not only NOT something special, he’s not even worthy of your time or attention…
next?
I think this may be the mysterious emotional detachment we are so confounded by in the early days of shock and horror? They hurt us over and over again in the same way and we eventually adapt and it doesn’t affect us anymore. Eventually, their antics begin to seem ridiculous, Then they just seem ridculous? Then the whole relationship seems sad and pathetic. I guess that is falling out of love and as they say “the opposite of love is NOT hate…it is indifference.”
Karen xxDear Lindy,
When u are not 25yrs old anymore…indifference has a certain appeal? 😉 Afterall, trying to love them is so exhausting……. Karen xx
Hi karen, i love that quote.
I also was thinking about this theory. Builders like it when either they are losing money or making money, either way stuff happens. But in the middle, nothing happens. So neither really good things are happening, or bad things, its just a lul.
However i think Lexie is onto something. I was bored with my h. Had an opportunity presented itself i probably would have pounced. This was about 2-3 years ago. In reality i was done. I was done then. I tried to make it work and get it back, but could not do it, or it never happened. I was looking for a way out, i was so defeated and dismayed.
I agree with Lindy. I enjoyed living alone before I married my SA. Between the end of my 1st marriage and the beginning of my 2nd marriage, I was single and lived alone for 18 years. These days I find myself longing to go back to that lifestyle. It’s not that I don’t love him, I just need to find a way to detach myself so that when his mood swings happen it won’t affect me as much or perhaps I can be more aggressive with him instead of walking on eggshells around him until he calms down. I swear it’s like living with a little kid that pouts when he doesn’t get his way.
Not sure if I’d call it being bored, but definitely tired of it all.
Much love, Claire
Wow, Thanks ladies. So relieved that it’s a normal thing. GREAT! A healthy detachement. That’s sounds good.
I didn’t feel like it’s clinical dissociation, because there are plenty of feelings for other things. The monotany of same old, same old with H disgusts me. Especially because there never ever was a relationship there, just a psuedo relationship that provided what H needed at my expense, and H thought that was possible indefinitely because he was more clever than I.
And now, I see so much of it as what it is, and it’s just so juvenile and needy and obvious. Men like that bore me to tears. I could play them all day long, but I’m just NOT interested. How can any self respecting adult allow their genitalia to rule their life?
Hmmm, maybe I’m not bored. Just disgusted.
I cannot remember where I read that but it resonated because I had HATED my husband a long time. Lindy and Claire…you are both quiet but you always have interesting perspectives when you post. Nice to hear your voices. 🙂
Flora and lynn….u are both so obviously too good for your husbands, it is laughable.( Not the pain they subjected you to of course) I mean WHAT WERE THEY THINKING…..thinking they could EVER hold either of you?? Yeah, Lynn…..this early…am sure disgust is playing a big part. And your last point…spot on…that is EXACTLY what they do and it is beyond pathetic? Karen xx
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