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My husband has been in an in-patient treatment facility for 2 months. He is supposed to be released next Saturday. I am nervous, I miss him…but that doesn’t take away all the chaos he caused and brought on our family. He stable now, he’s been sober for 2 months. He became transparent about a month ago. He’s had a few slips, but he really is working the program. I don’t recognize him really. He’s actually sharing his feelings and I’m not used to that. He has pretty strict instructions for when he is released. He has some restrictions as well. We have to write a contract for one of the restrictions. I’m not ready for him to move back in and I’m not sure when I will be after ALL that’s happened and the severity of his SA. I need to see him out in the “general public”, need to see him working his recovery on his own two feet. I have a conference call with his case manager to discuss his release instructions. I also have many questions that I need answers to. The case manager has been really fantastic.
So, I am working on my boundaries / consequences. I want to talk to the case manager about them and then go over them with my counselor. I’m still new to SA…only 4 months now. I’ve learned how to set boundaries in the past from counseling, but not in reference to SA. I would like suggestions on what has worked for you, the boundary, the consequence and any additional info you can share. I want to make sure I’m not missing anything. I know these will change over time, some may be added as well later. I have lying & hiding as a boundary which covers so many areas with him. I realize boundaries are pretty specific to each couple…I’m just looking for more to consider. Thanks in advance. I read many posts and have learned so much for you all.
Hi Michelle,
I can only imagine how excited and nervous you must be having your husband coming home next weekend! I wish you both the best!
For me, my boundary agreement actually had to be done in two parts. My first one was two pages long and it was done within a few days of his final disclosure to me. My second one was more of a “common sense” agreement between he and I.
The most important thing for me was knowing that I’d be able to stand by my consequence that I’d set. If I said I was going to withhold affection, then I HAD to do it or it was pointless. I looked at it like I was “grounding” one of my kids. If I didn’t stick to what I said I was going to do, he would never learn and he’d just run over me.
For instance, my husband’s biggest problem is with internet porn, so I figured if he was going to have a slip, this is where it’d be. So, if he slips, we remove the router while I’m not home for one week and we don’t sleep in the same bed for three days. A more severe consequence is if he acts out again with a “live” person, there are no second chances, I divorce him, no questions asked.
My second agreement came about because he began to take things for granted as trust began to grow and that was unacceptable for me. So, I created some common sense boundaries that I needed with less severe consequences. For example, my husband loves affection. So, a very powerful consequence is for me to withhold it for a day. If he fails to let me know he is running late, or stopping by a certain store that is a “trigger” potential for me, I enforce the consequence.
Thankfully, he has been sober seven months and I’ve only had to enforce the “common” sense consequence once…but…that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t have a long way to go, because trust me, he does.
If you want more specifics, just let me know.
I wish you all the best! Hugs!!
Hi mdd2009,
JoAnn has a great ebook on boundaries, what they are and how you write them. As far as waht boundaries we write that is up to us. And like stillstanding said there may also have to be some just plain common sense ones as well. Because if found with my SA common sense does not exist. And most of these boundaries with the SA are just that, but for some reason they don;t have these boundaries, so we have to make them for them in a way really. Like no its not okay to lie, cheat, sleep around.
But you do have to think ahead and think in the past of all the offeneses and list them. No matter how big or small. My relationship with my SA was extremelty one sided. So one of my boundaries was equality with finances, household and kids. I never got it, but i deserved it. So nothing is too big or small. But really there is no greater resource than JoAnn book for boundaries. Beleive me i have read a ton, and no one spells it out like she does.
If you just want to read about boundaries in general henry could and john townsend has a good book about it, but no structure for boundaries as specificly relating to sA. The book is called boundaires, when to say yes, when to say no, and when to take control of your life.
This will be a scarry time for you. did you get yourself in with a theraspist over this time?Love, Flora
I haven’t set up the eBooks page here yet–so sorry. Right now they can be ordered on the married site.
I’ll put that on my list of priorities.
For some reason this topic was locked. I have no idea how or why (damn website gremlins!) but I unlocked it.
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