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I think it’s time for us to pool what we know it has to mean.
Please post your additions, and I will try and wordsmith something out of our shared wisdom.Here’s a starter:
Recovery is when the one who has been sexually acting out no longer medicates his pain with sexual acting out, is addressing his pain with treatments appropriate to the psychological/emotional problems that he demonstrates in his relationships with a spouse or partner, is taking responsibility for his own recovery, can name the relational behaviours destructive to his partner/spouse, and demonstrate changed behaviour in these areas. His recovery also does not require that the spouse or partner adopt a codependent role in monitoring, or supervising the sex addict.Recovery is establishing that you DO NOT have an underlying personality disorder that precludes recovery.
ahhh.. now there’s the rub.
its tough to tell a mosquito not to suck your blood. Its how he survives.
How about recognizes the pain, trauma and emotional abuse (including intimacy anorexia, sexual anorexia, whatever applies) and for once really GET IT and feel so horrible about it and stressed out that he has to go on anti depressants and possibly other medications to deal with his feelings because he finally realizes what a piece of shit he’s been all these years. He wants to crawl out of his own skin he is suffering so bad once he puts it all together and sees what he has done to his wife. He feels real GUILT and DISGUST for hisself because of all the pain he has caused, not only to his spouse, but his children, other family members, friends, neighbors, people he has shut out for years. Also, even the mistreatment to all of the people he acted out with, especially if he was lying to them as well.
That being said, he is willing to spend the rest of his life, not only in recovery, but making amends to all he has hurt.
Consistency
Transparency
Yes SL…in my opinion that would be the normal response? Then again, a normal person is NOT capable of what these men do. That is the question that turns around and around in my head. How is someone actually capable of doing these things to their wife and family? How do they live with themselves?
Looks like you guys have pretty much covered it–and pretty quickly. For three years, I’ve asked for a little extra kindness, latitude to heal. I’ve asked for more communication, telling him that since I’ve been living with a stranger for 12 years, now I need to know who he is. What I’ve gotten is a man who insists on “moving forward” without acknowledging my broken-ness, who expects me to be normal and happy simply because he’s not acting out (?), who stopped going to meetings and therapy, because HE “doesn’t need them,” who can’t talk about his feelings, because that’s “not who I am.” All I’ve heard is what he CAN’T do for me. But when he found out I was filing for divorce, he came and sat on my bed at 5:30 a.m. on the day I was seeing my attorney and told me he’d go to meetings once a week and work harder to do the things I need. Oh, he can do those things to avoid a divorce, but not merely to help me. That’s a sex addict who’s not in recovery.
Oh, and silver lining, I loved your so-true definition. Except for the part about the mistreatment of the people he was acting out with. She and the others can suck my dick.
March,
I’ve been on both sides of the coin. As a matter of fact, I originally came on here, two years ago— devastated at the treatment of my ex SA BF.
No, I’m not proud of what I did. My SAH (I did not understand the full extent of it, at the time) gave me permission to date, and so after some time, and my therapist’s encouragement, I did… but honey, I was so starved for attention, affection– whatever… and I was married… not making excuses, just the state of things.
But my predator (nickname for SA BF) lied to me remorselessly. First he was single, then months later, not single, but she doesn’t care, or they are “free spirits”… I was one of many of a cast of thousands–lol (not really very funny).
And I rationalized, until the cows came home… but then, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I told his live in GF, anonymously, what he had been up to. (I have to stop doing that!). I tried to help her, understand the truth. but no… she didn’t want to know, even though she shipped him off to rehab.Now, my h has had several affairs for years…
yes, its all fucked up. None of it is what I wanted. I wanted my husband, and he threw me away.
Don’t worry, though. I’ve paid the price for my idiocy. I have several strains of potentially cancer causing HPV and have to be checked every six months… and had to have a colposcopy six months ago.
I will have a part of the suppurating whore, inside me, for the rest of my life…
But, at the same time, I also feel as you do… with regards to my husband’s fuck buddies and other inappropriate behaviors, with other women. xo ~ L
keep it coming, sisters. I’m SERIOUS about trying to put together a definition of recovery that is meaningful to us. Then we can circulate that definition and maybe it will generate the kind of conversation we think SHOULD be happening, but isn’t in this area.
I dont know a definition of recovery. I guess it would be when they stop acting out, stop lying, stop living in a fantasy world, stop being the drama queen oh how they love the drama. Stop being so fake in front of other people. What a joke. They can make everyone else love them and think they’re so wonderful but Lord what they do to us and what they do in the dark, behind closed doors. FAKE ASS UNSTABLE, SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED, PLEASURE SEEKING (and only their pleasure) I’m not yelling at anyone lol just yelling in my mind. SELF ABSORBED, EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE……I guess it could go on and on. When they take some responsibility for their own actions and call a doctor to see if they have a personality disorder instead of asking you to do it for them. I refuse. If you want help, you get it. Its your problem, own it, fix it or dont but stop using us as your doormats because we’re “good women, not sluts.”
I sure can’t hold your attention over dinner at a restaurant but those so called “sluts” can. UGH I want out of this!!!!!! Lord, plz deliver me from the stronghold this man has on me! In your name Jesus, I’m not begging but I’m asking You to show mw HOW. How do I get away from this man of 25 years? Reveal your plan for my life Lord. Go before me and make my crooked paths straight. Straighten the path for all the women that are suffering from the abuse of these men. Set them free Lord. AmenDear Marsh,
You are doing the right thing. He is NOT in recovery. They all seem to say they will get in recovery when they see you going with your suitcase? God…..it is truly a plague this thing.
Diane, you are going exactly where I have wanted to go for a long time. I am afraid they ill use the old “he just didn’t want recovery BS” instead of he just wasn’t capable of any recovery as in he was completely insane and 40,000 will not fix him. 🙁 Karen xxI no longer believe in recovery for these people. If they can suppress their sexual perversion for some time, the OCD tendencies will spill over into another area, and the pathological lying will continue on, for all they know how to do is obsess about something, sneak around, get a high off of “cheating”, and lie about it until their blue in the face.
Sorry, didn’t mean to be a bummer.
Plus, how can you ever really know what’s going on in someone’s head???I took note of what u said Hurt because for my husband you are absolutely correct? He has many obsessions…money, power, work, me, what other people think of him and he is CONSTANTLY checking something….news, business channal, stock market, weather, email, sports and bank accounts.And though I didn’t know it for many years, he is always lying….it is a knee jerk reaction…he lies when he doesn’t have to? He is secretive, furtive, deceitful and very sneaky.The biggest HIGH for him is definately his perception that he is getting one over on me, or “keeping you in the dark” as he puts it.What a piece of work- which always leads me into thinking “what were YOU doing this whole marriage that it lasted so long without you knowing there was something terribly wrong?” 🙁 I don’t think he was always this blatantly crazy I guess…. Karen x
I think in here too a definition of a healthy, emotionally stable marriage would help. I know that by the time I left I was not healthy or emotionally stable. What is it that is “normal”?
I think the blueprint for a 21st Century marriage isnt out there either. What should we be aiming for? I believe in the principles laid down by God, but what would the secular look like? Where do we find a healthy recipe?
I concur with your post Diane. And I would add that the person can manage emotions in a respectful way. Will listen and take on board what is being discussed.
Hi everyone,
here’s the thread that invites us to share our definitions of recovery.
I do believe that sometimes when we disagree with each other, it is because we are working with different definitions of this. If we could understand what recovery means to each of us, then we can begin a more substantive discussion and perhaps not be misunderstood or misunderstanding each other.It’s just such a hurtful thing that we don’t need to add to that for each other. And I’m intuiting that there are some real difference in what we think it means. I also think that by avoiding the accountability of saying what we think it should mean and can mean, we can set ourselves up to go right back down the rabbit hole with our SA’s.
It’s a risk to say it. Because the bar might suddenly seem too high for the men we have loved.
Recovery would also mean loving and trusting yourself fully. Loving yourself enough to believe that others can love you too. Loving yourself enough to expose your bad behavior and trust that your spouse can still love you in spite of this knowledge. If you are transparent with yourself and can understand the reasons for your acting out and how your actions caused others pain, than comapassion and empathy would flow naturally. This would feel sincere to those that have been hurt, and out of that sincerity love and forgiveness would prevail.
I told my husband I would know he is in recovery, making true progress when his instant reaction on an issue with me is not anger. As long as I am the enemy, which means the addiction is still controlling him, he cant cover up the anger all the time. Its only that instinctive reaction that tells me who is in control of my husband. Its easy to do and say all the right things when life is “good” but your true self comes out when life throws you a curve ball. Bottom line is when your instinctive reaction is not one of the addiction you are in recovery.
I think for me, recovery is when the SA stops the blaming- me and anything/anyone else, and really takes responsibility for his own behavior. No more misguided anger, gaslighting, projection, just humility, and ownership of what he chose to do.
Also recovery for me– recovery of my “self” from the pain and deception that I have experienced. And forgiveness of myself, for what I allowed — and never should have.
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