Can they get better? Let’s try to be objective here…

I sadly still hold on to hope. I fear that says more about me not being strong than it does about him being able to change. I just don’t feel strong enough right now to do anything but drag myself through each day. I’m 2 months in to this and feel more fragile now than ever. It has really sucked to have to go through the holidays with all of this. The kids know that dad “quit” his job and that we have to sell the house and cabin. Only the oldest, my 20 year old, knows about the arrest and h being fired from his job. H wanted to tell the other 2 kids, but I just am not ready for my sweet 18 year old daughter and 16 year old son to know all of the sordid details.

I don’t post much because it always starts me crying, but I read all of your posts throughout the day and it helps to keep me sane and to not feel as though I’m the only one in the world to feel this searing pain. You all are so wonderful! Thanks, Ali

From my experience–both personal and professional (meaning my internship working with addicts)–DeeDee’s food analogy is the closest one to this. Process addictions–or behavioral addictions. As I’ve written before, I was anorexic at 10, bulimic by 15 and struggled with eating disorders until I was about 22. It was hell on earth. I wanted to stop, tried every kind of bargaining with myself. I was the girl in line at the grocery store, telling the cashier I was having a party because I didn’t want her to think the load of cookies, cakes, ice cream, etc. were for ME. I sustained injuries (fell while running to the convenience store in the middle of the night for brownie mix). I ended up in the hospital with my kidneys badly damaged from puking so often. I still couldn’t stop. I hid it; I lied. My entire life revolved around what I WAS or WAS NOT going to eat. I was just like a sex addict, only it was food I was addicted to. The ten-day stint in the hospital didn’t scare me enough either, though the doctor told me if I didn’t stop, I’d end up on dialysis or dead. I kept it up anyway. And the day I stopped, which I remember like it was yesterday, was not terribly remarkable. I’d just moved into a little basement apartment to live by myself (no roomies) for the first time in my life. I was baking a batch of brownies to celebrate, intending to eat the whole pan in the privacy of my new home. And it was like someone flipped a switch, said, ‘You’re killing yourself. Stop it.’ That simple, a total surrender. I quit eating sugar, sweets, anything that might trigger me. I’ve been in recovery ever since. Well, from that. I tackled alcohol later. I’m here to say, though, process addictions are more insidious and easier to hide. Horrible.

DeeDee, didn’t you post a couple of days ago that he called you and told you he was going to two meetings that night, after which he proceeded to stay his ass on the couch for the duration? Is that reason not to believe him?

Ali, you’re only two months into this, and you sound far more together than I am after 17 months. Of course you feel fragile; you’ve only very recently been through a devastating shock where your normal world has been turned inside out, and you’ve been traumatized. Be gentle on yourself. Big hugs to you.

March, you have so much courage after having been through more than any one person should ever have to deal with.
xoxo

I believe they can change. I have seen it. I do not know if it lasts. I do not know if I care ( as far as my marriage goes).

I agree that SA is one of the very most devastating traumas. I have been through many myself. In evaluating future relationships, there is no question in my mind that I would rather be hit than lied to, and I’ve been both. At least, when someone is hitting you, you know they’re being an asshole.  When someone is lying to you, you just end up thinking that you’re the crazy one. It is much more damaging.

I have struggled with my own addiction, so I will talk a bit about that to respond to the last poster who asked for some insight. When you are addicted, that makes you crazy, too. You feel out of control. You feel like you are obeying something larger and more powerful than you. It is scary, and yet it is all there is. I began drinking heavily to deal with some of the confusion and loneliness I felt as a result of my man’s odd behavior. I didn’t understand it, and I couldn’t deal with it, so I drank. Addiction destroys your self-respect, your health, your hope, and your future. I was living to drink. I have been hungry before. I have been thirsty. I have had to pee really bad. LOL None of those feelings could compare with my cravings, my need, for alcohol when I first began trying to wean myself from it. Not even close. It was physical and it was mental all at once. It HURT to not drink. Sometimes it still does (this feeling is increased when I allow myself to have a drink or two; disclaimer: I am not completely sober, and still enjoy drinking, but now I control my alcohol intake, rather than the other way around. I must always be very careful, though.)

It is really intense to be in the grips of an addiction. I wonder if this is what SAs feel like. I have been thinking a lot about this. My thinking will surely evolve as I sit with this longer (I only found out about sex addiction this past week, although I’ve been in my relationship for years and new something was definitely off – I just blamed myself for his philandering!) For now, though, I think I’m with JoAnn. SA is NOT like other addictions.

Here’s the difference I see: while alcoholics and binge eaters might lie to cover up activities they’re ashamed of, they (we) don’t believe the lies. It’s one of the reasons we have so much loathing. Self loathing leads to more bingeing, and it’s a vicious cycle. From what I’ve seen of SA, it’s not like that. They compartmentalize, they rationalize, they attack anyone who gets in between them and their fantasies and lies. I’m not sure about what goes on in his head (duh), but I *think* that my guy doesn’t just deny his behavior to me – on a lot of levels, he denies it to HIMSELF, as well.

That’s different. That’s scary. It’s dangerous. Normal addicts (ha!) feel remorse and shame. That can feed back into the cycle to use more of whatever it is that they use, but it doesn’t seem to work quite the same way with SA. My guy seems happiest and nicest to me when he just gets home from cheating on me. I don’t get that at all, and it took me a long time to even recognize it. But there it is.

I think once I got control of my life- knowing who I wanted to be, went to grad. school, had a vision of where I was going- I didn’t need to do the eating disorder thing to feel in control.

Those are some very good points Anony.

mine i wanted the attention. I felt special, attractive, the thrill. your more then welcome to ask me any questions you want on my addiction. I dont know what more to say about it

Just days ago I was glued to the “find my phone app” so I could track his every move. Yesterday he left on a work trip to Charlotte, where his affair partner lives (three hrs away). I haven’t checked the app once or called, or texted or wondered what he was doing -that doesn’t mean I hadn’t given me some anxiety. The more time I waste focusing on him, the less time I spend on my own improvement. Right now I am focused on moving forward with my life if it includes him or not, I know I’ll be fine.

Again, speaking from my own experience and my work with addicts, drunks, druggies, shopaholics, gamblers…we all believe our own lies. I have been sober–completely sober–for 8 years. Before I quit, there were years of my telling myself that I didn’t have a problem because I didn’t drink during the day…only drank once the kids were in bed…only drank wine…only had a glass or two (yeah, water goblets)…never missed work (taught with hangovers almost daily though)…I told myself I wasn’t hurting anyone, even though I was emotionally distant with my children. And I absolutely DID get angry if anyone tried to get between me and my drink. I posted not long ago about how I would “clock out” at the end of the day and how I felt entitled to “my time.” All I really wanted to do, by drinking, was disappear. Like a nightly miniature suicide. Escape the pain and anger and trauma of my life. Once I sobered up, I started really dealing with my issues. I did EMDR. Started taking the antidepressants my therapist had been urging me to take for years. I began to slowly shed the narcissism that came with my addiction. I saw the damage my drinking (and my denial about my drinking) had caused. I drank because I didn’t know how to be happy and I couldn’t stand the pain. I believe that’s the reason Greg became a sex addict. It was easy for him to escape the pain of his childhood by losing himself in the world of his father’s extensive Playboy collection (when he was 10 or 11). Once he learned that little trick, it became his go-to for self soothing. Awesome. Maybe sex addicts ARE better at compartmentalizing, but I think all addicts do it. That’s how they’re able to steal from their mother’s purses to buy drugs or clean out their kids’ college funds to bet on horses or make straight A’s during the day and puke up boxes of Life cereal at night. I don’t think these guys are all that special. I just think masturbating is easy to hide, porn is easy to get, and those things don’t cost anything. Then it escalates, and then everyone pays.

As far as I know Deb, he officially broke it off with her in April when I first saw the text she sent. She texted him “Happy Thanksgiving” in November – he told me about it – then he blocked her number. Since then he’s changed his phone number. He just called me telling me how he felt anxiety being there, but was calling ppl and had found a meeting to go to – to make me feel better about the situation. I told him he didn’t have to keep reporting to me.