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Bev while i understand the concern Teri has-it seems as though your husband was asking you to meet his support system and their families-not to take your kids alone to a meeting-which is what in reading.
Awesome choice for a bump Liza. I will post more but after reading the entire thread I will say that my favorite part was in response to why we all refer to them as SAs
We call ‘em SA’s because ‘motherfucking pieces of shit’ takes too long to type. ~Liza
Thanks for the laugh. 😉
Wow interested topic. I think the idea that this is a personality issue and that it indeed is an addiction gives a big part of the answer to this question like many of the women mentioned.
Can change be made for the better- I think so. Can it be healed or full recovery be had?
Does that mean that if there is headway with things getting better than it will change for good maybe in a positive outcome- I guess it’s possible, anything is really. But there is no guarantee and I guess the evidence shows that the natural bent is shaped. So to go against that seems unlikely.I have to say, I am an alcoholic. I ALWAYS WILL BE. Means I can never have a drink as long as I live. Am I changing? Yes. With lots of effort and honesty. I also need a good therapist. The reasons for my alcoholism is due to self medication from ptsd- but does that make me any less of an alcoholic? No.
So I guess it’s tough for me to judge on this. I would like to think people can change but I guess I am biased due to my own wounds and addiction.
I am still learning about sa. I can say that I as an alcoholic can refrain from alcohol. But here is a question. How can you refrain from your actual sexuality? from sex? from attraction, etc? There seems to be a difference in the very nature of not being able to abstain from these human experiences. Does that make sense to anyone?
i’ve been thinking. i don’t think they are addicted to sex. i don’t believe in the addiction theory. i think they are addicted to compulsive behaviour.
connected, intimate sex with another person is natural. compulsive behaviour is not.
I don’t think that they think enough to be addicted to anything. I think they have the reasoning power of a 12 year old.
Here’s the short answer for me
Is it possible? From my own personal work and growth I’d like to think yes.
Is it probable? No. I think it’s as statistically likely and as hard as one of the millions of kids in this country growing up to be an astronaut.
I also think that not all SAs are created equal. So there are probably a small percentage of the population of them that are capable and then only small percent of the small percent who end up with the right circumstances to give them a chance.
From what I have heard from many other partners of SAs…they would rather this addiction be anything else. This one is soooo personal, and it is severe trauma. It does rock us to our core.
I have no idea if my H will overcome this and stay sober. All I can do right now is take it one day at a time. When I think 3 or 5 years down the road I have a panic attack. I don’t have a clue when the big relapses can happen for most SAs…is it in the first year, the second, the fifth…..who knows. Maybe some really wont have a significant relapse. I do realize that is a very small number. I also believe this definitely an impulse control problem, and needing to lose themselves in fantasy. The whole situation stinks.Here’s the deal girl, odds are he’ll suck at being ‘sober’ as much as he sucked at being a faithful husband. So Fuck Him and Focus on You. You’re the only variable in this equation you can control.
Yep, I cant control anyones behavior at all. This I know.
Only me. I am trying to heal right now. Its a process.I know. I am embarrassed to say that I have obsessed about his acting out, or cheating, whichever you decide to call it. I change my mind hourly on how I feel about it.
All I know….it hurts like a bitch. The sounds that came out of me, from my soul, sounded like a dying animal. I have never cried, sobbed, gone hysterical like that. I do know this….if he does stray again….and everyone here seems to believe he will eventually….It will never hurt me like it did the first time. And then I am gone.Hey girl, don’t be embarrassed. And don’t be afraid to ‘call a spade a spade’. That’s how we roll here in the ‘Hood. 😉
I tend to think that they can control it. As far as I know my H just started with SA activities a few years ago. He’s always been compulsive. When he ran, he ran 2x per day and wanted to do a 100miler. When he drank, he drank 2 bottles of wine per night. Now he lifts weights; he’s huge, and taking steroids to maintain. I kind of feel the SA could be controlled… I feel like he’s more a compulsive person that a person addicted to sex. Sex just happens to be easy to find (massage parlors, internet, iphone, etc…)
I think maybe it does matter what we call it JoAnn…for the partners. Calling it an addiction or an illness sows the seeds of hope and compassion in the partner. Calling it an intractable personality disorder may elicit some compassion but once one understands the predatory nature of these disorders, one is less likely to a) keeping loving the piece of shit or b) keep trying to work at it in the hopes that eventually they will have a stronger marriage. That my thought. If you go to the Dr with your spouse and he diagnoses him with pancreatic cancer at 40, you are not likely to start planning your 50th wedding anniversary? Women are not told the truth about these men or not very often.
Sometimes not JoAnn. But having it happen to us does feel like being run over by something large and invisible that we’ve never heard of before. Sometimes we want to identify what exactly is the nature of the thing that left us the victim of a hit and run.
IMO I still say it’s got more in common with those who beat their wives than those who are alcoholics. It’s abuse. So maybe the question is how likely is an abuser to truly change his behavior? Then you don’t just have to change the abusive behavior but also the underlying effedupness that causes the person to abuse plus the belief that it’s ok. If people who beat their spouses were given as many second chances and as much sympathy and excuses as SAs are or if on the flipside if SAs were looked at the same as people who beat their spouses it would be a whole different game. We may look at the foo issues for why a beater does what he does but we sure as hell don’t think it’s an excuse to do that to someone.
Sorry, just looking at the levels of trauma that some of the women suffer here I can’t imagine that it could be determined as just anything else.
Oh, Karen that’s a good point too. Better to be fed the realistic version. Raina I can understand where you are at too. At first I was obsessed with the inevitability of my husbands SA. Where did it come from, was it avoidable? Because he has many addictive qualities and supposedly he was faithful to his first wife for 15 years. Now I don’t care as much. I’m not anywhere near healed or past it or at peace with it. I’m just in a different place. It all depends on how far along in the process we are. And luckily because of this site I think each sister moves through their own process so much faster than they would on their own sans support. So be where you are. Process what you need to.
Whoops, meant to address that to Dreams not Raina! Or actually maybe Dreams and Raina. Sigh…kind of dingy today.
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