- This topic has 26 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Having separated myself emotionally from Larry has given me amazing clarity. Not that the break was something I did intentionally, it just happened. It was one of those ‘enough is enough’ moments and that was it. No thought, no trying to break free, no reasoning or deciding. I was just done.
I have cried a lot, but not for the relationship, I think I cry out of a sense of relief, a knowledge that I am no longer bound by emotions that cloud my judgment and allow myself to be manipulated into a dark world where I have no place and I certainly do not want to be.
Life here is really quite tolerable. I don’t know if I will want this for the rest of my life, but, I know that I can make that decision any time I want. For now I will pattern my life in any way I can that will make ME the happiest.
Larry and I took a short vacation last week and it was wonderful. We enjoyed the easy ride, the beautiful scenery and did lots of fun things.
My mind was never occupied with thoughts of, ‘What is he thinking?’ or ‘Who is he looking at?’ or ‘Why doesn’t he understand?’ or ‘When will he finally open up to his counselor?’ or ‘How can he love me and still do…?’
Without all that drama going on in my mind I can actually have some fun. I am not concerned about what he does, what he is thinking or what he will do tomorrow. I am living for the moment, for myself and it’s really quite pleasant.
Somehow, over the last ten years I have forgotten how to do that.
Larry continues to live downstairs, but we eat dinner together, will travel as much as possible, do stuff outside, go to the symphony and plays and occasionally watch a movie.
Movies no longer trigger me. I watch what I want to watch and I really don’t care what goes on in his head anymore. I never could control that and I wasted a lot of years trying.
One of my insights is that when we live with a Sex Addict we are asked to accept things that no good woman should ever accept. We are asked to compromise our very core, our base for how we live and what we believe in. We are asked to accept the unacceptable.
How does that happen? How did any of us ever get to that place where we actually try to force ourselves to accept multiple infidelities, lies, deceit, lack of intimacy, attacks on our self esteem and life with someone who would not meet any normal person’s criteria as a lifelong partner or mate?
We are asked to accept all those past horrors with only a half-hearted promise that ‘maybe’ it won’t happen again. We are asked to trust someone who has been massively untrustworthy.
Counselors tell us to learn to forgive, to ‘let it go’ to move forward, to forget the past and look toward the future.
Well, even if the future were as bright and shiny as they describe, what about our sense of self? What about our core beliefs about honesty, integrity and all those ‘deal breakers’ that we are now asked to integrate into our lives as if nothing had happened?
I personally feel that that is not possible. It will break us eventually. Even if the SA remains totally sober, and even if, by some magical miracle, they somehow become who we, at one time, believed they were, what about our core? How can we compromise that much of ourselves in order to accept life with a SA?
Can we? I think not.
I understand that many, many women choose to stay in a relationship with a SA as the lesser of many evils. I think it is possible to live that way as long as it is a conscious choice and as long as there are no emotional ties to twist our guts and make us crazy with hope that will never come.
I fully accept that Larry will never change. He, like most Personality Disordered people, will manipulate and do things for his own ends. I have no false hope that he will ever be anything different than who he is now, and who he has always been. If he decides to stay sober, fine, if not, that is fine too. That choice has always been his, I was just manipulated into believing that I could somehow influence that choice with my love.
I have been spending a lot of time just thinking and meditating on how I want to spend the rest of my very precious years of life. As with each of us, there are many complexities and choices. I refuse to be prompted into any decisions just because I have to ‘do something’. My choices will come as circumstances and my needs unfold.
I am healthy, safe and secure, my mind and body are my own to do with as I please and Larry is basically a good friend and room mate. He is pleasant to be around, has no temper and pretty much leaves me to myself.
I have no boundaries or expectations for Larry’s recovery, I have nothing to do with that and whatever he does has no bearing on what I do or will do.
If this living situation somehow does not serve my needs in the future, I will change it. If Larry chooses to leave at some point, for whatever reason, that is up to him and I am fine with that.
In the meantime I have time to write and paint and spend time with my children and grandchildren. I have a lot of love in my life as well as a sense of purpose and direction. I want to leave this world just a little better with my contributions, small as they may be, and I feel fulfilled and reasonably happy.
Yes, I would like to have an intimate relationship with someone special. I don’t know how that piece of my life will develop, but at this point it is not important.
So, that’s my ramblings for today.
Love and light to each of my dear Sisters.
That really sums it all up and thank you for directing me to the right place to post my feelings. You seem to have had the stength to pull this all together in a positive way that works for you. I’ve yet to find that but I’m so happy that someone else has. I think your words “compromising our core” is what really made me think. I dont have fancy words to explain how I feel. Lord, I went to college for Early Childhood Education lol I talk to kids so thinking about compromising my core was not a way I would have put it but it makes so much sense to me. Thanks for the guidance in the right direction about posting my ugly feelings. I really dont have a potty mouth. I’m a christian woman who’s angry and hurt and confused and depleted of energy. A woman who can’t keep her thoughts straight, stay on task right now and feel good about myself in anyway shape or form.
JoAnn, I hope I get to a place where you are. It sounds comfortable and I’ll accept comfort over this any old day.
JanThat was really beautiful JoAnn, not rambling, at all, IMO.
I am really struggling. Its on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to pull the plug here, this past week. no idea. But I have somehow managed to hang tough, because I realize that running away, is not the answer. In fact, the biggest part of my hurt this week, has been the loss of my dear Nap. She reached out to me, completely of her own accord, in my darkest hours…She called me nearly every day, for weeks and weeks and there was so much sharing and laughter– never laughing AT anyone, but sometimes the many, many absurdities that have hit all of us.
I have tried her two times and she will not even return my calls, and yes, that really, really hurts and I am not going to try her again. Oh, I joke about it, but I’m not REALLY a stalker! We had no conflict. no words. nothing. We spoke the evening that I returned from the retreat as she was eager to hear all about it. She assured me that for the next one, she WAS going to be there. And then, just 36 hours, she was gone. I had sent her the post on the blog, immediately after I sent it, on the 28th and she wrote back that it was “really funny and true.” She was the one, who from the beginning, was very concerned and skeptical about the presence of E on here, as a therapist who was claiming that her husband was all cured now. At the time, I didn’t really care, one way or the other, until I found out what was going on– in private.
I believe that Ella is a very troubled woman and even more-so than I had originally thought, based on all of the new information that I’ve received in the last week. I don’t fault you, JoAnn with bringing her on here, one bit. I have looked at her site, and at first glance, she says all of the “right things”… but then, when one delves into all of it more deeply, her background, what she’s written on here, AND her husband, who is obviously “white knuckling” his “recovery,” her extreme unprofessionalism and the way she tried to take advantage of some very vulnerable, already deeply hurting women– But, I see that the core of her being, HER reality, needs to believe that all is as she desperately WANTS and NEEDS it to be. so be it.
I feel very badly that Nap and Marie, did not stay around long enough to truly grasp the entire picture and also feel badly that some of the sisters, are now wary to post. I do believe with all of my heart, that this IS a very safe place.
The security breech is gone. Her husband actually posted on his blog, excerpts from what I had written on here, so obviously, he was able to read what we all had written or she was sharing it with him. ick.
It never even OCCURRED to me, that My anonymous post would, or could ever turn up here.
I feel as you do, JoAnn… Its what I have believed all along, and have said in different words. If we can live with what IS, then fine. If not, we must leave. If our husbands/partners recover, that is their business and they must do it, because they do not want to be that person, any more. But, really, how many of our partners want to truly change? Why should they? They have their beautiful wives/family/home/normal life and they have their “fun” too.
What “sane” (notice in their ads, how they always refer to themselves as “sane”-lol) man would want to give up all of that? Are there men who are happy with the former, without the “fun” too.
Yes, I believe that there are men who’ve figured out how to get the fun with their partners… and would never want to do anything to betray that unique bond and trust. They have come to realize that there’s something, much, much more meaningful and beautiful that cannot be gotten in any other way than with someone we know and care about and love, very, very deeply.
That is my struggle, right now. While I’m so phenomenally devastated and so hurt that my husband has brought me down into this sick, depressing hole with him, he’s not an abusive pig. no denial. He’s like Larry, in that way. It takes a lot to make his temper flare up. We have so much history– together… He’s funny, and he laughs at all of my jokes, quips, one liners… but still… I want, so much, much more… and he can still be my friend. He once said that “a marriage can be whatever two people want it to be”, well so, can a divorce. I am blessed that at the very least, I am married to a man who has no desire to screw me over.
my best and love to all,
L
JoAnn
For the past 19 years I have struggled with this issue. It is painful see someone you love do things that you are pretty sure he doesn’t want to do, and you are pretty sure that it is not about you, and you are pretty sure he is working hard to stop…but you will never know the truth. At some point an emotional withdrawal is just plain necessary for your own survival. I admire what you have endured and the deep compassion that you exhibit. I am now in the process of divorce that I am seeking not because I don’t love him or out of hatred. It is just that I simply can not compromise anymore. I love him, I wish him well and hope for the very best for him. And I am finally feeling that I need to give myself the same. It is incredibly sad but I think – I know –
it is really for the best.Ellen
JoAnn, thanks for sharing! It makes perfect sense!
My choices will come as circumstances and my needs unfold.
I LOVE THAT!!!
Thinking of you on this beautiful Sunday afternoon! 🙂
SL
One of the difficult things about making the choice to stay or leave your the SA in your life, is that by the time we get to that point, we are worn down with the trauma of the “news”, the work of educating ourselves, the bad therapy and the hurtful responses of others we may have told. And many of us will have been trying to hold down jobs, raise children, and keep the home fires burning at the same time. We have already lost so much of ourselves that we don’t realize that where we are is not who were meant to be. Our “core” has been compromised. That’s the phrase they use when they talk about nuclear reactors. The place that generates the energy of our presence in the world, the specificity of it, the beauty of it, has been so compromised that we start to “leak” out. Our reactors have leaks!
It’s messy. We leak all over other people. We drain ourselves. We say everything is fine, we can keep going, the plant doesn’t need to be shut down because it’s not safe anymore. We are like bad gov’ts denying what happened and the implications of it. But get to close to the stuff that leaking, and look out!
When our “core” is compromised, we have to begin again.
The great proof of knowing you have done the right thing in distancing your life from the SA’s life, is when you begin to recognize yourself again. You begin to be who you haven’t been for a while, sometimes a longtime. You begin to see the patterns he established that you didn’t see before. You begin to live freely, honestly, and with integrity. Joy is also a big part of that.
I never imagined 2 years ago that I could be happy again, that I would love my life, and that my family could carve out a new path for us to be a family. Old friends rejoice because “I’m back”, and they missed me. And yes, a part of me didn’t cut the tie completely with my SA because I couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone ever again, ever being attracted to anyone ever again, or ever trying to have an adult relationship with a man. We have to learn to trust ourselves as real, whole human beings in this world. We can learn to let our SA’s go, and recover ourselves. If they get their lives together, that’s great. But we don’t have to be so invested in their success that we leave most of ourselves on the table, unenjoyed. We can be successful too. We don’t have to set our lives aside, accept less, or make do, just because they lied and betrayed us, blahblahblah, and then we give them control for the success of the relationship. I mean how stupid is that, anyway? If they want to live up to the life that is yours, that’s fine. But don’t live down to theirs. You lose the essence of you, and everyone else does too.
light for the journey,
Diane.Really appreciate this forum. Would like to add to it when I pull my thoughts on my very complicated love life together. Love to all
Diane,
I agree with Karen, awesome post!! And soooooooo true!!
I’m living it right now!! Even BEFORE the divorce is final!! I have Heidi, the sisters, and my son to mostly thank for that!!
All summer long, as divorce was pending, I stayed glued to my patio, frozen if you will….. Sometimes in a trance- like state I’ve seen my SA in, many times.
One day, out of the blue, I get a message from Hadj. “come on up to Green Bay, let’s see a good concert and go to the kickoff game to the football season, you can stay at my house!” and I thought, why not? In the meantime, B-Trayed is on our site… Asking who wants to try to get together? And I thought, why not??
Then my son calls and says, Mom, let’s go to Florida over my Fall Break! And I thought, WHY NOT!!??
So after a great time in Wisconsin, an unforgettable weekend at Jeanette’s, and now hanging out on Ft Meyers Beach as we speak, I start to think…. Wow! I feel like I’m getting my life back! I’m starting to feel like ME again! Ever so slowly….
And it’s a beautiful thing!!! 🙂
Hi JoAnn,
Your post rings so true. We do compromise our core…to make the unthinkable…somehow livable. And a big part of that is by calling this an addiction. I am not so sure that for all of these men it is tuely an addiction. So many of us are really badly abused emotionally as well. The “sex addiction” is just the topping on the cake. And just because the guys stops acting out…the other abuseive ways are still there…and they don’t stop.I was one who could not tolerate the lifestule of living with a betrayer. Yes he “appeared” to have it all together, went to a meeting a week, therapys once a week. But he was not trustworhty, and he had already told too many lies.
I kicked my h out about a year ago now. He still lives with his parents, his cell phone is now on their plan, they bought him a car…while he works so “hard” going to school and working 32 hours a week and somehow still manages to be dating another women already. Has been for quite sometimes…heck maybe even before i kicked him out!! He always said he did not want to get divorced and he loved me, but he never once fought for me. So even after all this devastation, hard work, trying to compromise my core…it was all for not. And that is what everyone needs to remember. Never to compromise your core….because i will assure you your h is not compromising his. He is not changing. Most you can hope for is that he stops his behaviors, however the abuse of what lies beneath is still there.
So we sould never change or compromise who we are. When you do depression sets in, overwhelming anger…and peace is no longer in the room. Unf. for us to have a good self gratifying life…we have to be happy too. and we must never forget that.
I thinkw e get wrapped up in this relationship, because the really bad whcih we cannot forgive anymiore, happens too far in the relationship. And we are then stuck. Financially, family wise and on and on. And they know this.
JoAnn. I hope you can truely keep this up for you. But its a hard life you are living. But if you can somehow manage to live as room mates, no longer connected in any way, it will be okay. What if larry does patron a hooker? Is there no longer any boundaries…as you are no longer in a “relationship”?? Just curious how this works.
Love,
FloraDear Flora,
I agree with you on many point but the one that jumps out at me is when you said “we make the unthinkable liveable by calling it an addiction.” That single point of reference has been the stumbling block or the saving grace for me. From the instant I found out what my husband was really capable of, I have believed his sexual activities were ony part of a much deeper problem and I do not think of it as addiction? The more I think about it, the more I believe that the concept of sex addiction is put in our head by the people who work from the addiction model and who earn a living doing it. I do not wish to villify them BUT I do not agree with them. My therapist asked me if it mattered what we called them? For me it did, because there was hope in one instance and little in another. I didn’t have to give up anymore of my life trying to fix what isn’t fixable.I didn’t give my trust back to my husband because I knew it would be a mistake to do so? I fully agree with Flora, that we do NOT find out who we are living with until we are good and hooked and I also believe that is very, very deliberate. I am absolutely certain that mine knew for years and years and years and he kept his mouth shut until he had me in the most powerless position I had ever been in throughout our long marriage? I know full well that the ONLY reason I know at all, is he wanted me to. I was so trusting and he was so good at deception,that we could have easily lived out our lives together without me ever finding out a thing. That simple fact is the reason I know he did it more to “pay me back” than because he didn’t have sexual control of his behavior.
JoAnn, I am capable of spending time with my husband without always dwelling on what happened and what he is…short periods of time? Beyond that, I begin to feel myself getting sucked closer to the rabbit hole. I understand your need for a companion and an escort. It makes life alot easier for a woman. Just the same, with Larry’s issues, I find myself guarded for you.I cannot help thinking that a person who cannot be a decent husband is hardly capable of being a decent friend? Just my thoughts.Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I do however think there are some guys where …you say …yes he is addicted. The men that are up all night viewing porn, the men that are compuslive about their use…over the top. Mine was not, or he did not tell me, and clues that i had would lead me to beleive that his use was not that much. But with something like this i do think there is a line, compulsive behavior or selfish behavior. Just becasue they have a need and desire to do something deispite others wishes and lie about it…does not make it an addiction. To make this assumption is also to assume that you are dealing with a person who has remorse and empathy. This is a HUGE assumption. And this is how the then ASSUME it is an addiction…because if they did have remorse and empathy they would stop and would not lie about their actions. But what if they just happen to think that their needs are the most improtant needs, that they will do what they want depsite the nagging wife, what if they just don’t give a rats ass about the other person? What if despite the addiction there is also underlying abuse that happens…What if they are just a selfish jerk?? Who likes to have his sexual needs met no matter what or who gets run over? Who controls his wife and family? Who just does not appear to have a heart or soul?I think many of us may be dealing with this creature and we don’t know it. Because to our face he appears kind and caring. But behind it all…i fear something darker is brewing. I think many have a PD and are also abusive in other ways. The sex addiction or compulsion is but another bit or means of control and abuse.
Love,
FloraFlora, you pretty much have described my husband. I think at this point, that we’ve ascertained that a compulsive sexual addiction is a symptom of a much larger umbrella of pathology– That is personality disordered of which there are three clusters, A,B,C with many sub-types) So, in addition to the SA, we will always find other issues with varying symptoms, of varying intensity, with the SA being only ONE of them. So, perhaps the DSM (2020) will come up with a syndrome, in which sexual addiction is just one symptom. I think this exists in narcissistic personality disorder, already, but they keep changing the diagnosis. (just to confuse us, even further?) From that standpoint, I don’t think it matters what we call it. And I think just because we are calling it an “addiction”, doesn’t give me any more hope than if we call it, a symptom of a personality disorder. Its in the brain. Its hardwired in there, and further more, people with PD’s, in most cases, do not have the ability to see this about themselves. How can a person change something they can’t even see?
So is it even possible to actually recover—LONG TERM?
I think it depends how severe the PD is, for one thing and how long its been going on, and the mind set and determination of the SA. But, mindset is also very difficult to ascertain. I think its critical that the SA is seeking recovery no matter if his partner stays or not, because he does not WANT to be that person anymore. Otherwise, he is giving his power to another person and that isn’t going to work, either, I don’t think.
For me, though, I don’t care. There is just too, too much hurt. I married my husband, because I thought he was a SAFE bet. haha! what a fucking joke! But, the point is and what has nearly destroyed me, is that I CANNOT take any more of this type of hurt and abuse. I cannot take a chance that he will do this to me ever again.
but still… its just really, really sad. He could’ve had it all… He could’ve had a lot of fun, and kept his family in tact, and his marriage, and lead a full beautiful, rich life– but no… his choice was purely self-serving, and to deceive, control, and basically dump me, while still remaining legally wed and living together.
and for what? why would anyone do that?
I don’t know.
but its all fucked up.
Wow sisters,
I have been reading and re-reading your opinions. I can’t respond to each of you, but I have absorbed a lot from each.Yes my core has been compromised and it has leaked out over all aspects of my life. You know the funny thing about my core is that…my first husband broke it when he left me and my daughters for a younger woman who was only eight years older than our oldest daughter. I didn’t think I would heal and that I’d be permanently scarred. I did heal from with time, and I felt centered and in control of my core beliefs and trusted that I still was me. I don’t like him, or respect him now, I can’t stand his ‘bimbo’, but I manage in social situations with her and him. I got to that place where JoAnn says all of a sudden you distance yourself and you don’t really care anymore so they can’t hurt you.
My SA husband shook me to the core once again. I haven’t yet reached that place where I can disassociate all the feelings resulting from his addiction, but there are some triggers now that I’m finding can’t throw me into a tizz like they used to. I like to think that I’m stepping away in those instances and getting back to the me that I really am. I can now go shopping on Sat and Sun mornings by myself and forget about what he might or might not be doing or thinking. I can take time away to spend with my daughters and grandbabys and forget about his problems. Little steps…that I hope will lead to larger strides.
Like JoAnn, I enjoy doing things and spending time with my husband, the things that I enjoyed and loved about him when we first met, and the things that I know are the “real” him.
I don’t know, things are shaking out gradually as I see him working his way through recovery. He struggles, I struggle, but we together have a ‘core’ of our own that seems to bind us together. Does that make sense to anyone?
I don’t think we really ever lose who we are. I think we get side-tracked, and each of us in different ways finds our way back. We are resilient even though we don’t feel it.
So difficult to know…and so ever changing. Tomorrow I may post differently if my world is shaken once again. I may act and feel differently for a time, but I am still the same old me today as I have always been.
Love.This is a great topic.
I just read Ellen’s post, felt like it described how I feel so perfectly, and wrote each word of hers/mine in my journal.
In addition, I think I have an underdeveloped core, something I probably entered marriage with, which so disappoints me…but…my h has attempted and succeeded at times to destroy any of the core I did have or was developing. Now that the truth of my life with him is clear, my core is developing more and more. I am hopeful that my previously brown, mangled (apple-like) core is becoming fuller and healthier, soon to be a beautiful apple!
After recently watching the 1944 version of Gaslight, I am more and more convinced that other people CAN destroy our core. I am grateful, like the woman in the story who was ALMOST mentally and emotionally murdered, that our cores are not totally destroyed and can be built for the first time, or rebuilt. There is hope! xo B. Trayed
There is always hope, B.Trayed,
It is within us. Too often we try and get it from places/people who can’t deliver in the end (treatments, professionals, religious leaders, our SA’s etc). But the most powerful hope there is lies within our own being. We hold the capacity to begin again, to rebuild a life, to repair damage, to heal a wound. That’s where hope comes from.
IMO
Diane.xoxoIn relation to this, here’s a quote that a friend posted on facebook yesterday: “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” So simple, yet so profound–it really grabbed me.
Love, Julie
Hello,
Yes, compromising the core. I have many time felt this way, as the SA’s valueless disregard for life and others has trampled upon things I have held dear and beautiful. But how can we compromise with insanity? That is the just of it. The personality disorders and behavior are INSANE. How can we reason with it or make deals with it? It just needs to go already. In reality, the smaller items my SAH ocd’s about, I try to argue less and give in– look at him when he is talking, be attentive not so busy he feels ignored. I try to not be so abrasive in my talking to him, be softer. I make those compomises and it changes the end result for me. THey are hard to swallow but I find I get a better end if I do. Other things, there is no compromise– my daughter, her safety, our finances, accountability for his actions — I cannot and will never compromise with the madness on those. IF I do, I will be in the rabbit hole with him.
While I realize that marraige is compromise, what compromises does the SA make? that they honor their vows? they don’t live lies and secret second lives? they don’t give us STD’s? that they love us? why is it still us making all f’ng compromises even in the face of that? they should be doing back flips and flexing like a Yogi to make us happy, not the other way around. the selfishness is sick sick sick. I have never known anything like it. I try to remain above it all, and execute my values that are important to me. I have a way to go, but I have made progress.
Unfortunately, I have not managed to remain above it all… I am too frigging angry and upset–
I not only lost my husband;
I lost my best friend.
and yet…
he was never either.
Dear Lexie
So sorry– it is such an awe encompassing loss. But you have remained above it all, in that you made a decision to start a new life for you. You’ve earned the right to be raging angry– it doesn’t mean our not moving to a better place. Angry as we all may be, at times my rage is just plain scary, the fact that we post and blog and push on, shows we are above letting another’s addiction ruin our lives. We may suffer huge losses, but we may gain new hope. I wish for hope and healing for you — again so sorry for the suffering. You are a tremendous strength!!
This is a great forum. I think our core is who we really are. It’s the sum parts of our values, morals, beliefs, our sense of what’s right, and our personal truth. I think our lives, especially our relationships mirror our core.
I know for 25 years over time I did compromise my core and my life showed it. Now that my relationship is over with my h, it’s been 6 months, and I am living my core again and it feels good, really good.
Love NapHi Sisters!!
I love this forum too!! So much, that I want to post again!! Like Nap, I am divorcing my SOBSAH and like I said in my earlier post, I am slowly getting ME back and I am so thankful! It’s not all pie in the sky yet, but I love making my own decisions and not having to take his twisted, PD plagued, insane thoughts, feelings or opinions into consideration anymore. I am only doing what “I” want to do and it is very “freeing”, if that’s a word!
Hi PamC! Glad to see you out here! I’ve missed you! I can relate to what you said about your SA’s valueless disregard for life and others has trampled upon things that you have held dear and beautiful! Wow!! The average person could read that and say, HUH?? I read that and immediately thought, OMG!! Me tooo!!!! I know exactly what you mean!!! Ugh! Actually to think back on it and realize just how many times it happened makes me SICK!!! I know we cant waste our time on coulda, woulda, shoulda, but sometimes I get so angry with myself for allowing it to go on!! And for soooooooo long. When I knew it was wrong all along!! And the end result? I’m finally leaving the psycho and I think how different things would have been if I had left when I should have! How much kinder and thoughtful I would have been to others! How much happiness I could have had for doing The RIGHT thing, instead of some fucked up way my SA wanted it done or not done. Sigh…. The list goes on…. But I guess that’s where forgiving ourselves comes in to play, which is something I’m working on with my therapist right now. What’s done is done and now it’s time to only be concerned about The present and future. That’s kinda freeing in itself. I like what Zumba’s friend posted on Facebook!! Here’s another quote:
When the prince of your fairytale turns into the jerk of the story, it’s time to grab a pen and change the end.
Anyway…. Love this forum (topic) and could go on and on. I could actually respond to each of you as I have been able to relate to every single post on here!! I guess that’s why we are called “SISTERS!” 🙂
Love to all!! Stay true to your dreams! (and your “core”!!!)
SL
I am now a work in progress – rediscovering me, rediscovering my core. I know that one day in September 2010 something inside me just snapped and I said enough is enough. In all of this I tried and tried and tried to become the woman I thought he wanted – and in all of it – I lost me.
Like Diane has posted, since i left my friends are relieved to see me – they too said they missed me.
I missed me.
But, I am now a wholy different person. I am more of a survivor than ever, and through the pain and the anguish (which isnt over yet as a melt down in church on sunday substantiated) I have become a new person through the love of Jesus. Its odd, those are still new words for me to say but I firmly believe that if it hadnt been through the prayerfulness of friends and their faith, I wouldnt be safely away from an SA with all his behaviour. And away from the antidepressants and away from the insanity or I could very well be dead or in prison for murder, or dealing with a life with incurable STDs! My life was reaching those lows.
I also believe my husband would be in a far worse place than he is if I hadnt had the courage to say enough is enough. He actually admits that my standing up and forcing his hand saved his life too.
It all sounds so graniose and exaggerated but thats where we were. We were in this ridiculous drama which had the makings of a cross between Jeremy Kyle and Eastenders (dont know if you get those shows but it was becoming a bit like one of those reality confrontation therapy type shows with a mix of Dallas / Dynasty thrown in but with all the grit and none of the glamour).
So, now, I am a new work in progress. I am becoming new through my new beliefs and the healing that is going on in my soul. I am becoming new because I am nearly 40 and grateful this didnt go on until I was nearly 60 which it quite easily could have and I have to redefine myself through my age. I am becoming new because I am a single parent again and am now self-employed having lost two jobs while I juggled his addiction in my head so I need to redefine myself there too.
Heavens – this is SUCH an opportunity! I am grateful that I can post such things. BuT distance from the insanity of the SA enables me to do this.
With Gods will, I can be all I was intended to be…
That would never have happened in the meltdown of the compromised core.
I filed for divorce last Wednesday. Yesterday, I was walking at the local park by the river, and I thought about all the times I’ve told him that he’d broken me, that I needed help healing, mending, that it wasn’t enough for him to be “sober” (if indeed he ever was). I asked for extra kindness, real communication. I asked to be let in. I wanted to be courted, wanted maybe a tenth of the energy and attention he’d put into others for the past decade. But he couldn’t find it in himself to give me what I needed to recover and feel safe again. As I walked yesterday, though, it finally hit me: He’s really the one who’s broken, probably beyond repair. I will be whole again. I’ve survived other terrible things, have been surviving since childhood. He knew this when he married me–when he got all the big points for marrying a woman with three children, for raising my children and our child together, all the while carrying on his secret life. We made him legitimate. Without us, he would have been nothing but a creepy perv surfing Craigslist for lunchtime blowjobs. Broken. And what will he be now, without us?
I know since I’ve been gone my h has been falling apart. He’s losing control and is grasping at straws. I’m not there anymore to be his curtain for his addiction. That’s all I was. He remains broken and decompensating while I am feeling good and healing. He’s exposed to himself and he can’t stand it. It’s pathetic to watch however I’d never step back into his sick world for anything now.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.