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I thought this deserved it’s own post. ~ JoAnn
So I copied pasted my sad story : Ok I don’t know what I am doing here. I am not tech savvy and since the sex addict stuff I have an aversion to the internet. Sometimes I feel like it ruined my life. I think it makes the sex addict stuff much easier. Then I remember guns don’t kill people do. He would find a way.
We’ll my story is so similar to others. Married over 20 years. He was always a little secretive. I always said I was on a need to know basis, but I had no reason to mistrust him. Retrospectively at about year 10 he hid and lied about money. That was huge. At year 15 I discovered lots of poen and on line chatting. One said he quit. My freinds said men looking at porn was normal. He stopped or I thought he did. Still I trusted him. Watched but trusted. Then the big one at yeAr 19 found out he was sleeping w women last 5 years. I almost left we went to a therapist and he told me on the first visit I needed to get him addicted to me. Maybe we should videotape sex together. He lost me with that comment. I went w my husband a few times and when it became clear the therapist was not looking out for me I stopped I encouraged my husband to cont though as it helped him and I just wanted it to stop. He promised he stopped he said he was one of the few who kicked this. Took me almost 2 years to even think that might be true and checking constantly and when I finally started trysting. ( allowed the unprotected sex he begged for. I found it two weeks later. Worse craigslist meetings all over the state. 3 stones clearly w younger women and men. Probably more but that is all I needed I kicked him out. At first he didn’t understand kept hanging out and didn’t want to tell the kids he had to leave. About 4 days of sweetness and then when he realized he really was out and I served him w papers evil. Went to local bar and picked up someone publicly. Now the whole town knows I can’t believe how stupid I was.
Yet I feel so damaged. I am hurt 20 years I gVe him. Never even looked at another man. All gone poof. How can he just walk away. I know why. He walked away 10 years ago. He was looking. I was fully committed even after as long as he was sober. I really thought he was. I checked everything frequently. I hired it people to help yet he found a way.
So the question is why do I still care. Why does my heart want him. He doesn’t even think he has a problem. He said his therapist said I don’t meet his needs.
I am not going to do this again. This is no way to live he will never change. I am done. Yet my heart yearns for him.
What is wrong with me?
Cede,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think you have actually been pretty smart. You trusted your husband, but that is what we are supposed to do. And when you learned that more was going on, you did something about it. When the therapists were full of shit, you didn’t listen to them. You aren’t the problem here.But it sounds like you are still grieving the marriage you thought you had, the man you thought he was, or the potential that was lost. We are used to thinking them as our support, our protector, our friend. It takes awhile to realize that they are none of those things, and that we need to rely on new/different friends and family members now. It’s okay to grieve who we thought they were- in fact, I’m sure it’s necessary. Write a letter saying good bye to the man you thought he was (but don’t send it).
I’m so sorry, cede. I know it hurts, and it will for awhile. This is worse than if he died in a lot of ways. But you will get through it.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s so hard but it does help.
Your heart misses the H you THOUGHT you had and that is perfectly normal. Grieving is normal.
That stranger that walks around in your husband’s body is NOT your husband. He is a shell of a person that doesn’t even know himself and he is dangerous.
Let yourself be sad. Tears heal.
Big hug to you.
Hy cede. I am going through the same thing. My therapist I have now told me exactly what teri said. I am grieving the marriage I thought I had. I think the holidays make you grieve even more. My therapist told me its ok to grieve but I need to be realistic about who I was married to. I can pull from many of his bad behaviors to give myself a reality check. I have a couple “go to” things that I do when I’m feeling sad a bit too much. I 1) go on this site to remind myself what an a-hole jerk he is 2) read books I have about Narcissists, gaslighting, etc. They are real eye-openers, 3) I love love love the movies, so I take mysef to one 🙂 4) call a friend and have coffee with the or whatever. It does hurt, but I’m seeing little glimpses of getting better. I think once the holidays are gone it will help. And sometimes I just allow myself to mope around for a day and be sad. What teri said…its worse than if he died…is true. I have a few friends whose husbands died and they all say to me that this is worse. Do you see a therapist regularly? That would prob help too, as none of this stuff is “normal” in any way.
Cede, you are grieving because it is a death. The death of your marriage, the death of your hopes for the future. The death of the husband you thought you had. Completely normal, but horribly painful. No matter how badly they treated us, we all still missed the man we thought we had. It will get less painful. You are doing the right thing by walking away. There is no hope for these guys, they do not change.
Sorry, I meant to say you would be doing the right thing by walking away (like you say he seems to be doing)
If it makes you feel any better, I know how you feel.. it is surreal and hard to understand how they could be so unfaithful.. with us.. when we have never even thought of it.. I am sorry…. I am trying to sort it all out, so I am not as helpful as these other great sisters.. but my thoughts are with you and I am at where you are at.. wtf…. it is their beloved penis activities.. they are not grown up enough to know that life is short and your family is your whole world.. I have children with this loser ball..
Bev is right. She told me the same. You don’t want him. You want the man you believed him to be. That man doesn’t exist.
My real healing began when I was finally able to reconcile my old perception of XSAH with the truth. Now, I am free.
(If you want, click on my name to view all my old posts, and see what I was writing back in January and February 2013. You’ll see me change.)
You have been so betrayed by someone you trusted, and it’s still really hard to see that they played that trust for so very long. It’s hard to imagine, because you would NEVER do that to someone who trusted you. He has different standards. He just lied to keep that secret, because your standards served him really well. I’m so sorry for your pain. Even knowing everything doesn’t make the pain go away. And that doesn’t make us stupid, to hurt like that, it makes us human and shows just how REAL we are. They are the fakers, and it takes a good bit of time to accept what that difference really means.
Thank you all. I am grieving. I sometimes am mad at the grieving because I don’t want to give him any more. Not another tear, not another minute, not another dollar. I want to be free.
I suppose the grieving is for me not him. I don’t think I have enough tears to fix this. I appreciate the suggestions. I am seeing a therapist and it was a therapist that helped me last time. She helped me create my plan, which gave me peace, peace with my decision to give him one more chance. Peace with my decision to try to keep my children in a family. So this time when it happened I didn’t have to think. I had a plan. He was out and the lawyer was on speed dial. I am very grateful for her guidance. I am grateful for all of you.
God BlessWell didn’t take him long. Driving my kid to school this morning I saw someone already sleeping over and he has a girlfriend. Bet they don’t know about all the extra activities.
UGH!!! Don’t know why I am disappointed. He has been looking for years and I filed for divorce but for goodness sakes I found out on 11/19, filed divorce papers 11/22 and he was trying to get me back until recently. It just seems like unbelievable that he has no respect for me. Goodness you think he could wait a month! I am sick. I am disappointed I AM PISSED!I’m sorry about this. I know it hurts. Diminish your pain a bit by taking a different route to school where you don’t have to see or learn anything, like driving by his place. Don’t put yourself thru that.
You already know he’s a jackass. Don’t let that reminder start your day each day by driving by his place. It’s pointless.
Already planned that. I didn’t even realize it as it is the way I always go. Time for a new route.
I just can’t relate. I don’t even feel like finding someone else and I was the one screwed. Again he was never committed and I was. So I am going from 100% in to 100% out and it is taking time. He has only been in 50% at best and copes by reaching out to other women so it makes sense he is ready to go. Just seems like after over 20 years there should be a mourning period.
Thanks for the advise. It is goodCede, mine did the same thing. He filed for divorce on June 17th of this year. He had been living in a guest house on our property. As soon as he filed, he was gone! I haven’t had any contact with him since. Sometinmes I find myself thinking about the “other woman”. What I realize is he is doing the same thing to her as he did to me. I am sure this other woman was already in the wings before he filed. Just don’t forget he is a liar and pervert and that will never change no matter who he is with. Try not to have any contact with him. That helped me tremendously! You will be able to use your energy focusing on yourself. I know you are not used to that, but I can guarantee you that down the road you will be ok, and furthermore, you will be rid of that skanky liar.
I am going to try not to see him, but I have kids so unfortunately have to at times. This is so hard. He is going to bring this to any relationship. He really isn’t capable of a true relationship. With me he “faked it” which is awful. All the love notes and fake affection which happened on the same day he was having a threesome with other people. It is crazy.
It is too bad I was so committed but in a way I am proud of that I am an all in type of person and am not changing that part of myself for anyone.My plot thinkens…. I have bills up the whazoo. He said he had no debt we were paid up. Guess what he was wrong. This is crazy. I have all these messes to clean up for him. It gets uglier and uglier. I am going insane. I don’t want to keep consulting the attorney because that costs big time.
Here I am forty some years old and nothing to show. My husband has been cheating on me for years and doesn’t give a dam. In the meantime, our finances were going down the tubes. I make more and more and he makes less and less. I don’t know how I am going to get out of this financial hell hole.
I feel ruined. ughHe wasn’t wrong, he was lying.
Most of us have been put in a bind financially. It’s so scary. I know attorneys are expensive, but you do need help to figure out how to protect yourself here.
It sounds formidable but you can dig your way out. I’m 57. I wish I knew in my 40’s. But it’s still awful for you right now, and we get that. Just push through this. Assume he’s lying and act in your best interest always!!!!!! Don’t donate, take what you can, then negotiate the rest.
Unfortunately, your story is too common, cede. Their habit costs money, often quite a bit. And they often hide both money and debts. I don’t know what to tell you other than I am sorry, and you don’t deserve this shit.
So I am afraid to talk to the attorney as she blew through 3500 in what seems like seconds. I feel like he is going to keep telling me ” I will take care of it” and he won’t ” . I get I have to take care of myself but the bottom line is he has NO money (made -20,000 last year and i have fully supported us.
How does the divorce thing work? I have a date. Do we just goto court and if he doesn’t contest our marriage settlement it s done? If he is taking a number of properties and they are in both our names and then he doesn’t pay the morgage or a citation will they come back to me?
Def it will be a hit on your credit unless he puts them in his name is my guess. Depends on how your states laws read.
Cede, I spent over $8,000 just last month on my attorney. It will likely be just as much this month. We’ve been divorcing for over 2 years and have spent well over $200k (I’ve lost track how much altogether)- spent over $13k just on the custody eval. Plus business valuation, accountant, various other experts, eval for my son, fake therapy for dr e including $50k for inpatient, real therapy for me and the kids ($400/week).
If that makes you feel any better.
I would make sure you get the finances right whether you hire the attorney or an accountant. You don’t want to end up with his debt. FWIW.
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