Cella’s Story

Hi Cella – I am reading your post for the first time. I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through. It is very devestating when we find out the person we trusted most in the world disapoints us. I have been there.
You didn’t mention if your’e husband has agreed to counseling, SA groups, etc. Just curious how serious he is about recovey..
Unfortunately, you will probably see lieing for a long time – maybe years. An SA becomes so adept at hiding they’re secret lives that it is very difficult to break the habit – especially, if he is still active in his addiction. That portion of his life could continue for years. The realism is you may never know if he is telling the truth.
Secondly, if he is serious about his addiction, he will be the one to take steps and initiate treatment. I can almost guarantee if you are the one to insist he seek help, he will be doing it only for you.
If your’e husband has been into his addiction for 10 years ,
maybe longer, you only know what he tells you. I can also say with accuracy you probably only know 50% of what he has really done. The addiction always progresses, and it sounds like he is into some hard core stuff. The SA has a lot of guilt and shame about what they are doing, and disclosure usually only comes after they have been in therapy for quite awhile to gain insight into his behavior.
He may say he loves you, but I am sure you have heard that sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder. As long as he is active in his addiction, he is incapable of loving the way we do, and he may never be able to meet your needs.
So, if your’e husband is serious about recovery, you will see a paridigm shift. He will start recovery on his own and start
being honest with you, but again, that is very difficult for an SA to do.
I know you are hurting, but the real facts are most SA’s do not recover – they only learn to manage they’re addiction, and that can take years of therapy to reach that point. Most addicts never get there – the percentage is very low. Then you have to worry about relapses down the road.
It sounds like you are having second thoughts, but unless you are able to tolerate continuous lying, years of attempts to recover, and many relapses along the way, then you have some difficult decisions ahead of you.
I think if you look back over the time you have been together, you will be able to identify many signs that “things just weren’t right.”
I know you probably feel this all sounds very negative, but these are the facts. I hope you make the right decision. Please do not make it on the roller-coaster emotions you are feeling. Try to think it through logically and with informed facts about addiction.
If you do decide to give it a try, then you need to set down some very strict boundaries for him. Basically, access to everything he does. I found it wasn’t worth the effort, because until they are serious about recovery, they will find a way to continue without you knowing it. My SA, like yours, continued the lieing up until the time I filed for divorce.
Sounds like you made the right decision to divorce. It will take time for you to heal. I hope you are getting counseling for yourself to achieve that goal. You are going to hurt for a long time – divorce isn’t easy – I am in the process of filing for divorce as we speak, but after I weighed the pros and cons, I realized life with an addict is not worth it for me.
You deserve someone who can give you the love and intimacy you deserve. I think it is quite normal for you to be doubting your decision, because you love him so much. I think you have to intellectually decide if the hurt and pain you will have to endure is worth the price you will pay, both physically and mentally.
Sounds like you are on the right track, and it is hard to give up the love of our lives, but in most cases, it is too damaging on our physical well-being as well as what we have to go through emotionally for years and years.
Hugs to you – I pray that you will make the best decision for you.

Hi Cella, I was depressed to. I think depression came about for me because I did not honor my heart and my gut (myself) which led to depression. I had to stuff it down to keep the relationship going. I did so as I could not figure out what was happeneing despite my repeated requests, he denied, so I thought it must just be me. I must be the problem. So I took the anit-depressants and hoped that loving feeling and zest for life would come back. It never did. And then I found it all out the secret life. It all makes sense now, but without the info and the other half telling lies, it is diffiuclt to figure out what is going on and to make sense of the unthinkable. I am glad you found this site. How is starting your own group going? I think that is a great idea. Have not found the time to do it myself. But am curious how that is wokring for you.

Also I find that the no sex and no wife acting demeanor is hard to gt over. You were used to doing it for so many years, I really think it is more of a habit than a need. But as time goes on you will find it gets easier to separate yourself. We have the desire to be needed, but it is only healthy in a relationship with trust and love. Right now he is not a safe person to cling to and expect this from. If he is not in a good solid recovery you are opening yourself up to more hurt.

Good luck cella. I like that nickname. Welcome.

Dear Celia,

The good news is that you found out about your husband’s sex addiction sooner rather than later.

The bad news is that most of these men have been deeply damaged in many different ways. My husband’s problems originated very early in life due to a very “toxic” family of origin. 12 step groups are great but they often don’t support the addict delving deep enough to find the root cause(s) of their behaviors/addictions. You might have head the phrase “fake it until you make it.” Instead of faking it, they need to be in intensive therapy – I’d insist on a male therapist for your husband. This is going to take a long time. My husband was in therapy for several years (for other things) and tried to “fake” having a normal family of origin and a relationship with me until I told him I wanted to end the marriage. It’s only been two months since he finally admitted to himself, and his therapist, the abuse that occurred in his family of origin. If you can find out most of the problems he has, sex addiction being just one of many, it can help you with making a decision about your marriage. For many years I thought that I was doing something wrong. I met him when he was physically away from his family and was a much different person. Shortly after we were married, his family tried to suck him back into the fold, mainly because the only time all of them felt “normal” was when feeding off of each other, and they pretty much succeeded.

Recently, a friend gave me a Christian oriented book, “If Only He Knew,” by Gary Smalley. I wish I had read this 20+ years ago. No matter what your faith, the book expressed many thing I was looking for – and expected – in my marriage which, at the time, didn’t even involve sex addiction. As a newlywed, I just didn’t know how to verbalize my needs as well as they are explained in this book. A good marriage is hard enough but marriage with a sex addict is even harder. Try and pick up a copy and see if you think that some of the issues addressed relate to your marriage and if your husband, even if in treatment for sex addiction, could be capable of trying to have a real relationship.

This certainly isn’t easy. I just found about my husband’s SA a few months ago and still haven’t made a decision on what I am going to do. He’s living in one half of the house and I’m living in the other one. Fortunately, my children are adults. I’d seriously think about having kids with a known SA. That would be really miserable. My husband was involved with SA (I still don’t know the extent) when we were raising a family. I’m just now finding out about his “emotional” affairs and other things. I’ve found out enough already but I think I have to have full disclosure on his part before I make a final decision. Just be prepared for more information you never wanted to know – ever. No wonder we are depressed! Who wouldn’t be.

Thanks for sharing your story. All of us are here for you anytime.

Ann