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Hello sisters, i have been taking a break from SOS for a while. things at work have been really intense, in part because of some developments happening at my job and in part because i was so unable to focus on work when shit was hitting the fan with my ex this summer. i became overwhelmed with feeling like SA was taking over my life. i felt like i was at a point where i did not have much clarity to offer here and i decided not to do any extra reading about it or focusing on it for a while and to spend some time checking in with me and focusing on work. i am sorry that i couldn’t be there for you for the last couple months but i want you to know i am here for you all now.
a lot has happened. i am just now taking some time to process it all. i will say more soon. but here are some highlights:
1) i gave 2 weeks notice at my job after 6 1/2 years on 12/21/12. my last day of work will be this coming friday. this was a really hard decision to make and i feel that it was the right decision, but i am grappling with uncertainty about my next move, finances, losing my health insurance and benefits, and the upcoming gaping void in my life. my work has been my passion. simultaneously, i am looking forward to the freedom that i feel already and to being released from a very toxic and hostile work environment, where i was dealing with professional betrayal by my executive director, who has been jealous of my higher national public profile and better/stronger/more trusting relationships with key stakeholders in our field. i am glad to enter 2013 releasing this toxicity from my daily life. i am blessed to have women around the nation who are supporting me through this transition. literally, women leaders in my field will be releasing a public statement this coming week and i feel blessed and supported by this nonmaterial abundance.
2) on a separate note, i had my disclosure 3 days ago. it did not go as planned. we had planned for a disclosure with our therapists, but shit went down. we exchanged our disclosure and cost letter via email instead. i just read it on thursday night and am processing. i am ok. this holiday season has been hard. it is my first holiday season without him in quite some time and i feel sad and empty but i realize what an illusion my relationship was and am glad on some level to just be saying “no” to the drama.
so things on my end are really in flux, so much has happened that i don’t really know what all to say. what i am leaving behind in 2012 is putting my time, energy, love into relationships with people i cannot trust and who don’t have my back. what i intend for 2013 is to prioritize people who do have my back, focusing on my relationships and quality time and communication with integrity with them. in late 2011/2012 i did some things that violated my own integrity and values. i think i mentioned to you all earlier this year that i called the cops on my ex once, unnecessarily. i also slapped & scratched him on one occasion. i have tried to manipulate and control situations which are beyond my control and understanding, rather than accepting what is and focusing on changing me and acting in line with my own values. i need and want to leave that behavior behind. it is not me. i refuse to become that. for 2013 i intend to check in with myself more, to trust myself more, to surround myself with quality people who have my back, to be there for folks in my life, and to communicate honestly, kindly and with integrity.
i would love to hear what your visions are for yourselves for 2013. what you are releasing and what you are calling in.
love you all, my sisters, and i am so grateful for you.Artemis,
Good for you for looking out for yourself personally and professionally. That takes a lot of courage, and I am glad you have lots of support as you move through your upcoming transition.And an email disclosure and cost letter? So the relationship is still on?
Teri – not anymore. But we were still seeing each other with parameters for the last 3-4 months and we had previously agreed to a disclosure.
So I am guessing there was a deal breaker in the disclosure?
Artemis, I am glad that you are moving on, and you reached where ever you needed to be to do that. You sound like you have come a long way in the past few months- really focused and grounded and know who you are and where you are headed or at least where you no longer want to be.
Wow. The job resignation and disclosure took guts (understatement). I am really in awe of how together you have it in the face of massive change.
I particularly love this: **for 2013 i intend to check in with myself more, to trust myself more, to surround myself with quality people who have my back, to be there for folks in my life, and to communicate honestly, kindly and with integrity.** Well-said and excellent goal.
I have also done shit I’m ashamed of in my anger and effort to control and uncontrollable situation. I hope to – someday soon – be able to take the strong stand to reclaim myself like you have. To get back inline with my own values.
I am new here so I don’t know your whole story. I will attempt to catch-up now. I am saving the snippet above to refer back to often. Thank you for this post.
MO (Amy)
Teri – yes there was. But I broke up with him before I received the disclosure. That is why we ended up emailing our stuff to each other instead of going through with the actual disclosure. There was a deal breaker before the disclosure – my therapist, who is actually pretty good, had encouraged me to take this months leading up to the disclosure to “gather data” ie. data about his behaviors, attitudes, whether he is really a good partner to me etc. Well, my data told me he was an asshole and is incapable of being a true partner to me, independently of whether he is screwing around. So I split up with him on Xmas and he emailed me the disclosure & i emailed the cost letter so we could basically be done before the new year. it feels totally like the right decision, and in some ways i am glad i made it before reading his disclosure. but i am still in a lot of pain and reeling a bit from some of what i learned in the disclosure.
I am so glad to hear from you Artemis. I love that you are reclaiming your life. Don’t be too hard on yourself about the ugly stuff. I am not ashamed of one damn thing I did in anger. It was appropriate at the time. I certainly do not want to become “that person” but that person carried me thru hell so I am not ashamed of her 🙂
Amy – thanks. I don’t know how together i have it, but i do know that i will survive this and that i am making the right steps forward here. i am in a much better, stronger place with myself than i was 6 months ago. i was full of self-doubt, pain and confusion. i still feel pain but it is not all-consuming. i feel loss and grief. but i have not lost myself. i know now that if i could make it through all of this betrayal i will make it through whatever comes my way. I look forward to getting to know you as well 🙂
Bev 🙂 i’ve missed you all so! you are so right. That person did carry me through hell. thank you for the reminder.
Artemis, I’ve missed your lovely voice here. Glad to hear that you are reclaiming yourself and your life. Sounds like it’s been a tough couple of months but hopefully you’ve reached the other side of it now. You are on the right track for a healthy and rewarding 2013.
Hugs,
Daisy
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