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Hello all,
Those that have witnessed my agony (along with so many others of us) will be happy to know that tonight I have some peace. It comes and goes, but just wanted to share what got me here tonight.
No – it’s not a double dose of Lexipro or a bottle of wine (although they would likely do the job)….
Our local CSAT was offering a Pia Mellody Trauma 4 day workshop, so I took it. Today was Day 2.
It really let me get in “deep” on the roots of my own co-dependency (borderline love addiction) and why I have stuck around to keep getting abused after the horror of the staggered disclosure/discovery of the past year.
So – as I spend more time with my wounded little girl – that was given up for adoption and ended up with a mother who was distant, mean and narcissistic, I realize why I couldn’t give up my SAH, in spite of all the abuse. But as I get in touch with my healthy adult self, and gently move the little girl to the background, I am finding the strength to more completely detach.
My SAH has been a petulant teenager over the last few days, upset that I am going to a workshop and that I’m not focusing on him the way I used to – fulfilling his emotional needs. When I point out that I don’t feel safe (he just admitted to a problem and went to a SLAA meeting this past week after 9 months of denial), and before that, it won’t happen – he says that it’s taking too long. – yet my last disclosure was in January….
At any rate, just wanted to share the childhood trauma info.
Deb
Sending love to you Deb. You are so open and honest here. It is really lovely. Im sorry for the pain you have had to experience, both in childhood and in your marriage. You shouldnt have to make lemonade from lemons, but hats off to you, because you are.
Hi Deb,
Thank you for sharing your “little girl” with us, and the trauma she endured. NAP also had a narcissist for a mother and has been working through that awful legacy. I don’t think she was adopted though.
It’s really tough to gather up all the pieces of our story and cherish them enough to touch the pain again so that you can claim your rightful healing and freedom. It was a courageous thing you did. And yes, sometimes we do have co-dependence issues that must be addressed for our own well-being. I know that Flora has always been supportive and challenging us at the same time to do our work and grow and heal.Isn’t it just so transparent when the SA/PDh goes petulant when you start to get at your own life and caring for yourself and not making them the centre of your energy?
anyway, love and light today,
Diane.
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