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Hi everyone,
I for some reason had a chilling thought that perhaps my SAH was viewing child porn during his acting out. Anyone have any thoughts or experiences? I don’t really have anything to base this feeling on, only that he was scared of having a boy (which we have a 4 month old boy) and that he seems really ashamed of his pornography viewing and doesn’t want to discuss it with me. He was fucking prostitutes while I was pregnant, male and female so to me viewing porn doesn’t seem “that bad” (gross, i know, this is where my life has ended up… I have a ranking of disgusting behaviors that my H has done and porn is at the bottom of that list.) and yet he seems really ashamed of the porn.Anyone have any thoughts? Anyone specifically have an SAH looking at child porn and could give me some ways to recognize it? I guess one big question I have is it possible for him to act out with adults but look at child porn?
Thanks so much! This is the only place in the world I can ask these questions… And sadly some of you know the answer through experience.
Hi, newmom..
I think what happens when we get hit with traumatizing shock is that everything feels in question. I had read where a woman started wondering if her husband was capable of killing her, after she found out about the secret life. Even though he had never been violent or anything like that. It’s just that within the space of a few seconds we have to adapt to the idea that our life partner is a total stranger, so our minds..for a while.. start going haywire with wondering what else he is capable of. This is just my opinion, but I would highly doubt that you need to worry about him viewing child porn. To me, viewing child porn and pedophilia is in a category all by itself, and personally I think it’s a big mistake that SAA meetings include people who’ve done that, and people who’ve engaged in non-consensual sex of any kind. But to put your mind at rest, would you maybe want him to do a polygraph with that specific question in it? I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And I so relate to what you said about ‘just porn.’ I never thought I’d look back and think I was ‘lucky’ when it was just porn I had to worry about with him. Hang in there, hon. I really think you’re going through the natural ‘what ifs’ that happen after having the bombshell of sex addiction dropped on you. I will try to find the article I’d read..by a therapist.. who explained why this happens. Take care of you. love, Annie xoxo
Hi new mom,
after the trauma of finding out what your husband has been doing, you begin to consider all kinds of things are possible. Like Annie said, I thought my husband was going to kill me so I lay awake in the guest room every night. I just figured it was all that was left for him to do—finish me off.I think the ranking thing is part of how we try to control stuff and the impact it is having on us. We just have to sort out the hideous from the bad so that we find some kind of perspective. And then we wonder how much further the pendulum can actually swing.
I hope you will look after yourself and not focus so much on him. Think about whether you want to be with this guy at all.
sending lots of light to you, and may you find the strength you need each day.
D.But just a little tidbit girls- (food for thought) SA is an escalating condition, unfortunately! And that means it has to continue to get riskier, be switched up, etc. to continue to meet the needs of an addict. If it goes on for years and is never addressed, I believe I’ve heard that the end result could be they are pedophiles, rapists, etc. Thats not to say that each and every SA would wind up there, but (unfortunately) it IS a possibility. š Gawd…. How sick…..
That was in the mix as I considered my options and chose divorce. I couldn’t bring myself to hang around and see how far he was actually willing to go! Blech…..
New mom, that bastard fucked prostitutes and men while you were pregnant??!! UGH!!!! Dumb fucker!! I hope you choose to leave. That is just unforgivable in my book! Jesus, what else is he capable of doing?! I suppose that is YOUR POINT (and question) already!
Sigh…..
This is easy, and you need to know. I went through this too, and talk about ranking bad behavior….here I go….
From the therapist: pedophile is messing with children before puberty – usually they are not sex addicts – different problems. There is another word for being attracted to kids after puberty. He also said that most men have sexual thoughts about girls in their teens, they just know it is not right. (I am so grossed out watching men watch the dance team at half time now)
My h admitted to grabbing a girls boobs in the pool. So he had a very specific, about children only, polygraph. They concluded that that he told us everything regarding children. He also admitted that his club volleyball obsession may have something to do with the girls wearing spandex. uuuuugggghhhh.
Bottom line is you need to know because you have little kids.
Knowing what I know, he will never babysit my grand kids, ever. I wont take the chance.He’s my 3 cents. Listen to your gut and just be aware. Not to scare you but an old friend of mine h got caught with kiddie porn on his computer and was sentenced to 12 yrs in prison. They were married 7 yrs and they met at church, he was the youth minister. (Yuk!). I stood up as her maid of honor and you would have never guessed this about this guy in a million yrs.
In psychology, if ideation is taking place, the next step that follows, after a while, is acting on their thoughts. I hope this isn’t the case, however I would have my eyes wide open.
Love, Nap
newmom,
I am not sure about this, but my neighbors son was convicted of having child pornography on the home computer. Call the police department and find out if that is an offense – call from the library if you don’t want it traced to your number.
You may need to talk to a computer specialist and see how they might be able to determine if that has occured on your home computer.
Now is the time to find these things out, be prepared. If this is not happening, then nothing is lost. Except that you have protected your son.
I worried, too, about where my STBX’s boundaries were. If he capable of doing the horrible things I saw on his computer, what else was he capable of doing?
I just want to add that covert sexual abuse can be just as damaging as outright sexual abuse. And covert sexual abuse is pretty much not legally recognized so it is hard to protect your kids.
My daughter is scarred from the many times my husband put his hands between my legs in front of her (I pushed him away and told him not to do it, but he kept it up- said he wasn’t doing anything wrong). I belonged to a sexual abuse survivor’s support group at one time because of the porn that my father exposed me to. At that time, no one used the term “covert sexual abuse”, but my therapist recognized the connection.
Even if these guys are not outright sexually abusing children, they can still damage them sexually because of their addiction and poor boundaries.
Thanks everyone. Right now I am not speaking to him. I am trying to uncast this spell he has had over me. I am not sure what I am going to do at this point, but my eyes are very wide open. Thanks so much everyone!
From my understanding, the Feds hunt these kiddie porn guys down and if they are caught it’s pretty serious. I do not know the details, does anyone?
My friends h was caught by the Feds.
I have a friend who’s father-in-law was caught by the Feds. He was caught because someone else’s computer had photos he had sent. They were able to trace it back to her father-in-law’s computer. (They even found pics he had taken of my friend’s son- his own grandson). He’s in Federal prison for 6 years, I believe.
I went through a period of time in the beginning when I worried if child porn was a part of it. I have three teenage girls in the house and was internally freaking out. What if? What if? What if? What if? What if? Your mind spins.
As for the porn being ānot so badāā¦. At one time ājust pornā was everyoneās husband. Itās the leader that started all this and as long as he is using it, it will continue to lead him down the same old path. So itās sort of like saying Charles Manson wasnāt so bad because he didnāt kill anyone. He just led the way.
I donāt think whether or not a man doesnāt or a man does sleeps with adults (paid and unpaid) is any indicator for whether or not theyād be into child porn. Lots of child molesters have a wife and kids.
I wanted to add something about listening to your gut. There is a difference between your gut and your fear. If everyone listened to their fears theyād be eating xanax day and night.
My husband used to look at porn on his phone in the bathroom. He works from home from 10AM to 6AM. Iād wake up in the middle of the night and come out to say hi and heād be in the bathroom. Every time that I saw that he was in the bathroom Iād instantly get a sick feeling in my stomach. And I never knocked. Iād just go back to bed. There were times I was going to knock. Iād even raise my fist. But I always stopped.
THAT is your gut talking.
Our Hās have made it difficult to tell the difference.
I think porn and objectifying/sexualizing women in order to get a high has the same devestating effects as if a man is having an affair, going to prostitutes, massage parlors, chats, etc. If an SA takes it further than porn or objectifying, it is more difficult for the spouse to deal with, but I can tell you from my own experience that Steve doing d/s porn, objectifying his sister and daughter, as well as any woman with boobs has been just as traumatic for me as if he had taken it higher up the chain. That may sound ridiculous to some of you, but the results have been the same.
The rejection of me intimately and sexually, the lieing, deception, minimizing, pa behavior and at times the anger control gave me severe ptsd.I think whenever trust is broken, in whatever form that might take, it is all over.
I think we all have different tolerance levels, but bottom line is the effects on the marriage are essentially the same. No marriage at all. Any kind of sexual addiction is damaging. The only thing worse to me would be having to worry about std’s, which I know a large number of you have had to deal with- I would of had to get violent on that one.From what I know (which at times is limited, I’ll admit), many rapists and child molesters are SA gone really, really wrong. They are the worst of the worst. Not every SA will go there, however, there are some that do. Their SA progresses to criminal level and some even kill their victims so not to get caught.
When Ten Bundy (who was educated, handsome, charming) was asked why he raped and killed so many women, his response was it all started with watching pornography. The police laughed at him. This was back in the 70s. He was telling them the truth.
I agree NAP. Once the kick of porn wears off, it takes higher levels of sex to turn them on. I think that is why some heterosexual men engage in homosexual activity.
It was interesting with Ted Bundy, however that on a TV interview his father admitted to having the same kind of fantasy network as his son- he just never acted on them. That kind of opens up the idea to genetics, as well.Sharron,
I agree with you that you are just as much a victim of his SA if he is only using porn and objectifying other women. It’s still humiliating and degrading and a breach of trust.
I went through 6 years of thinking my STXH was just addicted to porn and, of course recently found out the rest of the story, so I can say from my experience that for me, at least, there is a difference of degree to what I have experienced. The trauma (which was present with each discovery) has been SO MUCH worse with seeing pictures of him having group sex. Much worse than seeing pictures of people I don’t know on his computer.
That is not to minimize what you are going through because it is hell. And it sure isn’t a contest. This is only my experience, and everyone is different. But what I am going through now, compared with then, I don’t think I have words to describe the difference.
You are getting rid of your SA now before it did escalate into something more. I think you are wise to do so.
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