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My younger sister may be giving me a Victoria’s Secret gift card for Christmas. Not sure how to handle this. My PTSD, as you all know, is really bad when it comes to the strippers and my SA just recently told me they were like Victoria Secret models. I don’t think I can handle opening up a gift card for that store on Christmas Day – it will spin me into flashbacks, all the intrusive thoughts. And I dislike my breasts – what’s the point of buying new bra’s. Thing is, I still can’t even go into lingerie shops – 2 years after D-day. I was able to buy stuff online over the past 6 months, but that was before this disclosure this month about the strippers’ looks and everything they had done. He took off their bra’s and it kills me. It’s not even the worse of it either – all the sick sexual touching. And the shot wound to my soul – they were ‘more attractive’ to him than me because of their breasts. When I think of VS and get sent their sales emails (which I can’t even open up now), I now think of strippers.
My sister isn’t aware of the very latest developments and the deadly stabs to my self esteem. I avoided talking to her last week because she talks/focuses more about him than on me and about how I’m feeling – if that makes sense. And I haven’t had the energy or ability lately to deal with it. I have been in so much pain and just need people to focus on me and what I’m feeling.
So what do I do? My twin sister hinted to me about the possible gift, because she heard something from my younger sis. She suggested just grin and pretend to be happy. I can’t do that though, I can’t fake it. No matter what, the pain will be extremely strong inside me. It’s not something I can easily control or turn off and on. I don’t want a painful Christmas. I want peace and to relax.
It’s also difficult because my SA went to stripclub Christmas parties during the 10 years too, had 5 lap dances a night – with the “hottest” ones, so it’s kind of also in my mind this time of year as well.
No one really understands how much this affects me. I wish it didn’t! I don’t choose to be this way. Damn, I think no one will understand. I just know I’ll be put in a long bad state over Christmas. I dread that. Any advice?
Tell the TRUTH. To all of your family. Just tell them that you’re fragile and that odd things–things they might NEVER understand (say you hope they don’t ever HAVE to)–trigger you, send you spiraling. Take charge here of your own emotions, of how you intend to interact and what you will and will not expose yourself to. Be clear about it. Don’t expect people to read your mind, but DO expect them to abide by your stated wishes.
Hi Victoria,
I get it and I’m so sorry your PTSD is kicking in. I have it too and it’s difficult. Could you say in general terms ” if anyone is getting me a gift card I would love a xxxxx or a xxxxx one but please, no Victoria Secret ones I have too much of those thing already or I already have one I need to use”. Something like that? I hope this helps.
Love, NapxoI totally agree with March. Telling the truth is the most freeing thing I have EVER done. Learning to say what I want and need and what I don’t want has been the biggest change in my life. I was afraid before. Now, it is so great to tell the TRUTH. What’s the worst that can happen if you tell her? I guess she could laugh or not understand, but I doubt it. But if so, that would be the worst thing. So tell her! You’ll be surprised how much better you feel.
This is a little off-topic from the gift, but regarding the mailings/e-mailings: I called VS to get off their contact list a few weeks ago, and it worked. You can’t do it online — you have to call.
Here is the phone number so you don’t have to suffer their website to find it: (800) 411-5116
I’m with March and Stephanie, tell the truth. You don’t have to tell the details, but do tell how you feel.
I absolutely agree – tell the truth. I have just started to tell a few close friends that we are separating. It has really helped me. It makes it real, I am getting a great deal of support and compassion and I feel more empowered some how. Tell your sister that you heard she was getting you that particular card and don’t apologize for your feelings about it. It is about you right now. Be empowered and avoid the meltdown.
I agree Victoria. Tell her the truth. She may not understand ( most people don’t), but that’s okay too. You should not have to sit thru opening a VS card. I would go apeshit.
I kept our dirty little secret from my family for almost 10 years. I spent time bonding with his family and kept mine at a distance. They are not perfect. But they do love me. For some reason it was all about him and his family (imagine that). Although my family was beyond shocked to hear the truth, at least they are able to be here for me now. I think in our recovery and healing it is important to speak the truth and surround ourselves with others who do the same. Direct honest communication is a way to honor yourself.
Oh, Victoria hon, Victoria’s Secret sucks. Triggers me too when those damn catalogs come in the mail because SA ordered some sort of lingerie shit from them for one of his video strippers. I hope you’ll let your sister know how you feel, but failing that, I’d sell the damn thing on Ebay. You go with your gut, hon. And I am so sorry that you’re in this situation. Reminds me of ordering my SA a towel from Sea World that said ‘Believe’ on it…the Christmas before all this crap came down..because he was doing volunteer work at a sea lion rescue place at the time, and was hoping to get into vet school. Then later found out that he took the same video stripper to Sea World. Painfully ironic, the way these things have a way of popping back up in our traumatized faces. Victoria’s Secret can bite my ass. Hang in there, sweetie. xoxo
Dear Victoria,
I agree with all the above. Tell your sister you don’t want anything from that store. You don’t have to get into any details with her if you feeel she isn’t supportive or doesn’t understand. You could even tell a white lie and say you have enough of that stuff and need something else.You can handle it as you think best but I wouldn’t ignore it. You don’t have to submerge yourself in anything that hurts you. To Hell with him and his strippers and their breasts. I had very nice breasts but after 5 operations on one, including one for cancer…lets just say they are not so nice anymore. Just the same…I am more than just my breasts I hope? And you are much more than just your breasts. I hope u can sort this out and have the peaceful Xmas you deserve. Big Hug Karen xx
victoria,
i agree with everyone about telling the truth.
if that’s too hard for you though, go easy on yourself.
if you do have to open the present and it is a VS gift card, save it all, later on, burn it.
i just hate that idea of ‘beauty’ in our culture. it is so destructive. these dumb ass assdictholes get all wrapped up in the illusion. it’s harmful to just about everyone. and it exists in our society for one reason only – to make money.
victoria, if you can, celebrate your beauty in some small way. look in the mirror closely at your eyes, for example. eyes are amazing, they are so beautiful.
i’m so sorry that his behaviour has made you question your beauty. i wish there was something to say to help you believe that i believe with all my heart that you ARE beautiful.
it’s the gloss on the page that they like honey… the mirror ball, the lighting, the production in the video. NOT the girls…
i’m so sorry.
I’ve thought about those Victoria Secret catalogs and how all the women are the age my husband found desirable. Why do I buy things at that store? I recently bought five pairs of underwear there, not for SAH, just for myself. I’m not doing this anymore. VS caters to teen-agers and 20 somethings. Let them get all their money from that age group. I’m cancelling the catalogs too. Victoria, the truth will set you free. It certainly always has for me. If your sister knows, why is she buying this particular gift card?
One of the most sick things I found while snooping was that my H had my VS catalogue in his work binder. He had written himself “notes” on what to say to the marriage counselor about me. He wrote those lovely things about me on a piece of paper on top of a VS catalogue ( I took pictures of this). For some strange reason, I could almost understand the allure of whores and strippers but a grown man carrying around a VS catalogue made me sick. ….I just never imagined.
Any way, my daughter still likes to shop there. I have to take her and it is brutal.
I remember finding the sports illustrated swim suit issue in his brief case a few years after the first go round and I threw it in the trash. He never mentioned that I took it. Stuff like that made me crazy which is why I know I can’t go back there. I have to stay focused on moving forward and away from him. I can not allow myself to fall back into that hole. I once thought I would die in that hole and now I am determined to stay focused on me and not getting caught up in what he is looking at or doing. Hard – for sure – but I am trying.
Dear God, no woman should have to deal with this sort of thing. Is a true wonder that we are not all stark raving mad from the pain, the insult and the cut to the heart.He would be waiting LONG farking time for MY whale, Bev.
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