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There have been so many posts and comments over the years about the turmoil that so many of my Sisters feel over the decision to leave or stay with our Sex Addicted partners, I felt that I just had to share my thoughts and ideas on this subject.
I think one of the reasons that leaving is so difficult is that, when dealing with a Sex Addict, there is never any closure. They never allow it, for whatever reason.
Just think about it. If our husband dies, we grieve and hurt, cry and rage; but then eventually we find that final place of acceptance. We have no choice. They are dead. They are never coming back. It has finality. We eventually accept and move on.
If our husband leaves us for another woman we rage, yell, scream, beg, try to convince them to stay, suggest counseling, call them nasty names and do all sorts of things that are not consistent with who we are. But, in the end, we grieve and hurt, cry and rage some more and then finally, we have to accept the inevitable. We must accept the finality of it all and move on.
But, let’s take a look at the discovery of Sex Addiction. First of all, it knocks the wind out of us, destroys everything we thought was real and sets up an emotional storm that will last for years, possibly even decades.
Every ethical and moral belief that we value has been violated. The man we thought we knew and loved is suddenly a stranger. Our life is in shambles.
But, we know we are strong and healthy women. We go to counseling, we problem solve, we make decisions. We recognize that their behaviors are way beyond what we would ever accept in a relationship and, usually in the beginning, we decide that we must leave.
But, our decisions are challenged by our Sex Addict partner. They don’t want us to leave. They suddenly love us with all their hearts. They promise to change. They promise us the moon. They suddenly become everything we ever wanted them to be.
Then we are confused. We are conflicted. We waffle. We want to leave but find a million excuses why we cannot. We no longer understand ourselves let alone understand them.
They dangle the carrot and, because we have been starved silly, we can’t help but grasp for it.
So, why can’t we walk away from the disaster? Why, when we know that staying is harmful to us, can’t we take ourselves and our children out of harm’s way?
What is wrong with this picture? Why the turmoil? It’s so basic. It’s survival.
All creatures recoil from harmful situations. All female animals will kill anything and everything that threatens them or their young. It’s so primal. All animals flee for their lives from life threatening scenarios. The gazelle runs from the lion. The seal swims frantically away from the Killer Whale. So why do we freeze instead of fleeing? Why can’t we make that final decision to leave?
I don’t think it has anything to do with our backgrounds, our personalities, our childhood experiences, the absurdity of the ‘co’ word or even our finances.
I think it has to do with closure.
Sex Addicts never allow us that final closure. They violate us on every aspect of our being, and they violate us once again when they refuse to let us go.
Even if they are not sincere about their recovery, they will swear on their grandmother’s grave (Larry) that they are telling us the truth, that they have finally ‘seen the light’ and that they will do ‘anything’ to save the relationship.
So, we are faced with a destroyed relationship, violated boundaries, broken vows and not enough energy left to brush our teeth. We want to leave, but every time we try, or even hint that we want to, our SA comes back with promises.
Promises of a relationship that we always dreamed of.
Promises of hope and family and love. Promises of growing old together, promises of all the happiness that has eluded you and him for years now that he finally ‘gets it’.
No closure. No finality. Only fervent promises of hope.
The carrot dangles.
You’re done. But suddenly he is not.
Yet he is the destroyer. He violated all the rules. He made all the bad choices. He did not respect you or any part of the relationship. He is the one whose actions show he did not care one iota about you, your family and the relationship.
Yet there he is, begging you to give him ‘just one more chance’ to prove to you that he can be the perfect husband.
Yes, he can do it, he cries, now that he understands everything, now that he realizes how special and important you are, now he can’t bear to lose you, now he finally knows what he has to do and will move mountains to prove it to you.
And, of course, you want to believe. Why wouldn’t you?
This is the man you love(d), maybe the father of your children and your life partner. Now he is finally promising you everything you ever dreamed of.
So you believe, over and over. Each time he swears it’s the last time. Each time he swears you falter and doubt yourself and your decision.
So, no matter what he has done to you, no matter how many lies, deceptions, new disclosures or hurts you have endured–he won’t let it end.
HE won’t let it end. There is no finality. HE won’t allow closure so you can move on. Call it manipulation, call it gaslighting, call it whatever you want. Semantics don’t matter. HE won’t let it end.
That’s powerful stuff, those promises, and HE knows it. He is fighting for his lifeline (you) and he will do anything, promise anything and say anything to keep you.
Not because he loves you so much that he can’t live without you, which is how we perceive his promises, but because he NEEDS you to sustain his persona of normalcy.
That’s what I see as the difficulty, and the turmoil. It’s not because we don’t realize the enormity of what they have done and it’s not because we don’t want to protect ourselves and our children. It’s because there is never any finality. He has his foot wedged in the door and refuses to let it shut.
We all need closure for things that we need to let go. Death is final. Divorce is final. We can move forward from that.
But, if we know that we have been violated beyond what our core beliefs say is acceptable, and the violator, who is also someone we love(d) swears contrition, swears remorse, swears on his grandmother’s grave that they will never hurt us again, we are conflicted. That decision that we thought was so final is now fuzzy.
Do I have an answer to all this? Hell no. It’s just an observation from so many years of hearing the same stories over and over and wondering why these stunningly beautiful, intelligent women seem frozen and unable to make a move away from the danger zone.
So, bottom line? Most importantly I think we need to realize that It’s not our fault that we are so conflicted, so there is no need to beat ourselves up over our indecisiveness. We understand the importance and lifelong significance of ending the relationship. It’s probably the most important decision we will ever have to make. But, even though this whole mess is not our fault, it is still up to us, and only us, to make that final decision that is right for us; the decision to stay or go based on what we want the rest of our life to look like.
That decision comes differently for each of us. But, it does come. For some it is almost immediate, for others it takes years. It cannot be forced, as that will surely fail. But eventually we realize that we cannot live on tiny bits of carrots and empty promises.
We eventually realize that our decisions must be our own, for our own reasons rather than basing our future on what their behaviors are.
Eventually that ‘light bulb’ comes on and we can see through the smoke screen they keep blowing at us. We realize that it really doesn’t matter what they do. It doesn’t matter if they are really in recovery or faking it. It really doesn’t matter because the harm has already been done. Now it is up to us to decide what we can and cannot live with.
And, that is different for each one of us.
Eventually we will make our own decision, based on our own unique and individual needs. When it is an ‘informed’ decision, based on all the facts that we have, our decision will feel right. No more fuzziness.
And, once we make that decision we also must take full responsibility for the consequences–AND the rewards. That’s just life, and it’s tough and it sometimes sucks.
No decision is ever 100%. There are downsides to every single decision we make, even the small ones. There is always a balance sheet in life. Buy the purse or keep the money in the bank. Eat a quart of Hagen Daz or fit into the skinny jeans. Leave the SA and all of their emotional shit and live alone happily in a small condo. Stay with the SA and detach from the emotional shit and live in independent peacefulness.
Some how, some way, we need to separate ourselves from their words, their needs and their goals and find our own.
Some how, some way, we need to suck it up and decide what is best for US and quit allowing them to tug at our heartstrings and realize that our very lives are at stake. This is serious stuff and we need to face our choices squarely and with courage. Feel the fear and do what is right anyway–that’s courage.
Somehow, some way, we need to find that courage to see through their desperation and manipulation and make good, solid, final decisions for ourselves.
Just for ourselves.
With much love and respect for all my Sisters and their decisions. ~ JoAnn
Well, JoAnn, I guess I have to thank my DASTBXH for being so sick and beyond redemption that I do feel I have closure. He is so far into his addiction that he is not in the least trying to say he is sorry or repair anything. It is much easier for me to let go and say good riddance than if he were begging, crying, and promising to change. However, there is still a part of me that wants him to be sad and to realize what he is losing, but that part gets smaller with each passing day.
Thank you for this timely post…dealing with grief and accepting that we just dont always get what we want. No closure, no recognition for having loved and been true. Somehow it just has to be okay, and I know that it will.
Love to you guys!Thank you for this timely post…dealing with grief and accepting that we just dont always get what we want. No closure, no recognition for having loved and been true. Somehow it just has to be okay, and I know that it will.
Love to you guys!Joann
As usual you describe this whole difficult situation we are in so well, and in a very simple way away from all this crazy complicated explanations that you sometimes hear from the therapists, what you described is my current situation.
For many years I lived a horrible life with my h he was so cold, angry and detached , he neglected me, abused me verbally and emotionally for many years, deprived me from my basic rights as human in any relationship the rights for love, respect and loyalty, it came to the point where I doubted everything about me, doubted my beauty my femininity, my sexuality, my competence as a wife, and even as a mother, he wounded me deeply, and i became very weak, but i had no idea what was going behind my back, I had no idea how capable he is of humiliating me until I discovered his infidelity and betrayal, I was traumatized beyond anything I had ever experienced before, I went through a shock, the world was shaking underneath my feet, I did not know what to do or to go,,,,,I went into rage I became so outraged that I was willing to do anything and everything to save my self and my children from the man that i just discovered, a cheating, immoral, liar,,etc
and then and only he turns into another man, very loving, tolerant, willing to do anything and everything to keep the relationship “ I don’t want to lose you, you are the most important one in my life” he would tell me over and over again in the last year something i never heard over the many years we lived together, and as if I turned into Venus, suddenly I was so beautiful, so fantastic, and so sexy,, the sex became so amazing, how much I starved through our whole marriage for what he is now, I did not have any of that, and now I got it all, a loving understanding, sensual compassionate charming husband who would swear on the tomb of his most loved mother that he will never do anything ever to hurt me again, that he will take 100% responsibility for all his acts and behaviors, and he will never ever watch porn again or do anything to compromise my trust in him, and I believed him once and maybe twice but then I figured it out how could I trust this man who cheated on me for many years, I have to find the truth for myself and I should never believe anything he tells me, so I took the actions that I needed to take and I found that his promises are all fake, he is as sick as he has ever been but now with a loving fascade, I became so confused, I could not put all this together so I tried to seek professional help, I Needed someone to help me all this maddness, I thought if i can understand then maybe I can help him after all if someone you love is sick you don’t just walk on him you try to help him you try to be there for them, I understood that he may have PD, but that is sickness is not it, so I should help him, so I extended my hand and I tried to pull him out of the shitty mud he was stuck in, but he refuses to even acknowledge that he had sold his soul to the devil and insist that he is just fine and it was just a mistake that he is capable of repairing himself, I suggested he sees a therapist to help him understand the issues behind his problems but he insist that he does not need any professional help, that those therapists just waste your time and money, and I accept his explanation, I did not believe him again but I accept his explanation, as I am now realizing that I have to play it smart, and only now after I recovered from the shock he had sent me into, now that i am coming off that rollercoaster I can start to plan.so I know very well that he is still a sick bastard, and I know from all the stories of all the other sisters I had read here that there is no hope of true recovery, or let say normality in our lives, as he will always be an SA with PD, who is either in recovery, relapsing or recovered but with the fears of relapse again and again, and as you said Joann he keeps his foot in my door, I was ready to throw him out of my life completely few weeks ago, but he threw himself in my door under my feet and begged for another chance, so I gave him the chance, but he is a sick bastard and he is out there doing it again, so how many more chances I am willing to give him, I don’t know, I am not in the mood now of pressuring myself or scrutinizing myself any more, I am going to give him, or me as many chances until I find my balance, until I have enough strength in my legs to run, he and others had broken me over many years and I am just now gathering myself back, I am just now licking my wounds and attending to my broken heart that I for many years neglected, I am just now able to take a good look at what I am, who I am, and what or what not I am capable of doing, I will give him as much chances as the many fears I have or until all those fears disappear , I am maybe now starting to see those fears and I have a hope that as I am identifying them I will be able to overcome them one by one, I had seen myself in the last 16 months or so under different light and I am growing stronger, I don’t get any more this agonizing pain that i used to get when I discover for the 1000 times that he lied to me and that he is watching porn or maybe still pursuing the whore he had cheated on me with, I actually feel now that every time I discover another lie, that he is giving his power to me he is giving in to me, I am not innocent any more, I am not as naïve as I used to be, and the more I get into his weaknesses and his shameful acts the more I am getting stronger and gaining more power over him, that maybe one day I will be able to get back at him, I know this might be counterintuitive to healthy healing and recovery to think that I want a revenge, but I am where I am and I am honoring that, I am not beating myself one more time over not acting or taking a decision or filing for divorce, I feel now that I have him where I want him to be he is living in another house, he is behaving in a loving compassionate ways, he takes care of the kids two days a week which allows me to do things that I want to do for myself, he is behaving around the kids the way I want him to, he is going to sign some financial agreement regarding our financial situation, so he is now doing everything I want at least in my face, but behind my back ah that is a different story, but I am not ignorant and I know he will not recover, but I am not completely strong enough to pull that last cord and cut it off, but maybe one day someday I will or maybe I will not, I dont care now about what will happen in the future I want just to live the present, and get my self strong enough to face him and face life.
JoAnn, I second what Bonnie said about the timeliness of your post. For some reason I’d been feeling a little hesitant lately about talking on here about my struggles and the way my mind and my heart goes back and forth. There are things I need to get out, but I started feeling reluctant. Like maybe I’d be judged or something. Or that there was something wrong with me for still feeling so weak and traumatized, that by now I should be stronger. But your post clarified so much for me.. Never any closure, so true. I’m going to copy your post to my journal and re-read it slowly and let it all sink in. Thank you so much. xoxo
Harmony, your post was wonderful. “I dont care now about what will happen in the future I want just to live the present, and get my self strong enough to face him and face life..” That is so well said, and exactly how I’ve been feeling too. Like I’m just not yet physically or emotionally strong enough to forge ahead. We feel like we’ve been run over by a steamroller, and we have to take care of ourselves and try to heal from that. And also to remember that it’s not just one steamroller, but a bunch of them that have kept rolling over us, as we learn more heartbreaking things, and as we deal with their mood swings..even if they’re in recovery. And deal with our own mood swings as well. Take good care of you, harmony. xoxo
JoAnn, I admire you very much and know that you are wise. But, I disagree with you here. I always felt there was really no closure in divorce. It’s not like the man died. He’s still alive, still someone you have to deal with regarding kids, etc. Death is closure. A sincere acknowledgment of pain, with an amends or apology is a type of closure. I got neither from my first husband, and I don’t expect to get them from Greg (well, he could die). And I’m not saying that you’re wrong about why we stay; everything you said sounds logical. The problem I have is that, once again, the premise is that THEY WON’T LET US GO! As though we are in their power. As though we have no choice. When my first husband smashed my face into the dashboard of our minivan, he made the choice for me. I’d already established for myself that I would never tolerate physical abuse. If you knew the emotional abuse I’d put up with for ten years, though, you’d know that the black eye was NOTHING. It was a gift, a ticket out. The abuse I’ve endured with the SA makes my first marriage look like a church picnic. What am I waiting for? Assault with a deadly weapon? We hold all the power. THEY WON’T LET US GO. We can leave, though. We’ll never have closure, true. Whether we go or stay. Always, that “if” will be there—and that question of authentic love, and more wasted time, or more of a life (and the kind of ‘marriage’) we wouldn’t wish for our daughters.
Oh geez, thank you so much March, but I am not wise. I am just someone with a lot of information who is trying to find sense among the nonsense in this horror that we call Sex Addiction (for lack of a better term).
I think what I am trying to say in the above topic is that THEY won’t let us go, so WE have to find that closure and finality within ourselves in order to find peace, because they will never let go. The decision is up to us, but that decision is made so much more difficult and confusing by their pleadings and promises.
This is also true with divorce. I feel that divorce IS closure because the marriage is over. I have been divorced twice and always felt that it was over when it was over. Yes, I had children with these men, and yes, I still, even today–and will forever, have interactions with them. But, the relationship that we had when we were married is dead and done. They have no power over me and whatever they do does not affect me.
No matter how much either or neither wants to hang on in a divorce, when it’s over, it’s over. It is rare that divorce takes place with both parties feeling ambivalent. Usually there is one party who is completely done and over it, so there is finality there. The one who is not quite there yet has to face that fact and deal with the reality that it really is over.
With Sex Addiction there is a strange dynamic that I really struggle to understand.
The one who breaks the bond is the one who fights to mend it. But, his promises and solutions are usually not sincere. It becomes a ‘push/pull’ emotional tug of war.
So, the partner is left confused, totally off balance and feeling more than just a little crazy.
Yours is a unique situation March, where you continued to live with your ex after the divorce. That would certainly make the severance more murky.
With all the brain power that we Sisters have here I would hope that we could find some answers, or at least explanations, for the struggles that are so predictable after Discovery.
At times I feel so frustrated and helpless when I read the stories. I have no answers. I have no solutions. All I can do is watch the hurt and pain as each of the new Sisters struggle through the exact same situations that I, and most of you, have faced.
I feel as if I should be smarter. Years of my own experiences with Larry, and after reading and hearing literally thousands of stories, have not given me the right words to say. I try, but I just wish it was more. ~ JoAnn
I’m doing the same thing you’re doing–trying to parse this, trying to figure it out. Keep in mind, my living with my SA post-divorce was STILL in service to a reconciliation. The divorce was essentially symbolic. I wanted to dissolve the marriage that never was. If I could have had it annulled, I would have. Now THAT would have given me some satisfaction. But I’m convinced, even as I’m caught in the same tangle, that we stay when it is contrary to everything healthy and sane because we CANNOT reconcile ourselves to the Truth–cannot ACCEPT that these men that we chose and loved and invested so much of our times and selves into could actually be the monsters that they are. BUT THEY ARE! They really did those things, they really sacrificed us and their children, they really put their faces and dicks and the fingers with the wedding rings we gave them INTO the most vile and disgusting places–into women who have no regard for other women, or children, or families. They risked disease and pregnancy and our lives and safety. And worse than that, when we tried to forgive them and mend our marriages, they weren’t GRATEFUL. They didn’t do what it would take. They continue to take us for granted, to deceive, and to dump it all on us. We wait for them to wave a magic wand and make it disappear. We wait for God to float out of the sky and give it meaning. We wait to wake up from this nightmare. And all the while, the clock is ticking.
Joann and March,
Thanks for trying to figure out why we stay. I spend so much time mulling it over and over – and I love hearing your thoughts.
The lack of closure reason really hit home for me. The promises, the remorse, all suck us back in. And then we face the images of the past (March – your imagery was painful but so true) and we back off…..and then they suck us back in again. Our relationship becomes a rubber band.
I do think that most of these guys are love avoidants/PDs and try to find intensity outside of their primary relationships because they are afraid of intimacy. So – we become the boring facade of a “normal life” that they hide behind. They can’t break free of that – and maybe they do love us (as much as a love avoidant or PD person can) so they make promises……but then they want more….. and we settle for less. And the cycle continues.
I agree with March….the emotional abuse of the SA stuff doesn’t even compare to the black eyes that I received from my abusive first husband. Not even close. And with tangible physical abuse, it was much easier to walk away.
I think for me, hope springs eternal. I have seen addicts go into recovery and change their lives. We all have. And we hope (until the nth time?) that ours will be one of them, because we can’t face the painful reality that they never loved us in a healthy way. Quite honestly, that’s the real reason that I stay. I just can’t face that……I desperately (like my life depends on it) want to believe that his love for me was/is real. That’s my fantasy and I’m hanging onto it for dear life…..until the nth time when my heart and my head finally agree and I value myself more than the fantasy.
Deb
I completely agree March. They are without souls.
Do you think that our lack of movement can be completely attributed to the PTSD? The freezing? The inability to make decisions or face the truth–because that pain would surely push us over the edge? The sense of unreality?
Or, do you think there is something more? Something we just can’t find the words for, but we know is there?
Just trying to understand it all.
I feel that it is easier for me as I am outside of, and past the crisis stage, and I think that I am a little more objective than I was 7 1/2 years ago, but any input is helpful
What the fuck is really going on here?
I don’t like any of the answers that are ‘out there’ and I wish for, with my entire being, some sort of insight to help the women who are in the early stages of discovery.
wow! JoAnn that was a amazing post, you summed it up beautifully. And therein lies the answer to: what does it mean when they tell you to take care of yourself? Your post holds a big piece of that puzzle.
“Not because he loves you so much that he can’t live without you, which is how we perceive his promises, but because he NEEDS you to sustain his persona of normalcy.”
That gives me shivers, because my gut agrees. what a trap.
On a positive note March got the gift of a black eye! And I was actually feeling envy towards her gift. powerful.
My analogy of my life with a sex addict, looking back post divorce:
I survive a horrible plane crash. I’m standing with the other survivors on the side of the mountain we crashed into. Family members have been brought up on buses to see us and reunite. People are jumping off the bus to find their family member and when they do they kiss and hug so tightly as if to never let go. My h is the last one off the bus, he’s not running, and when he reaches me, he pushes me off the side of the mountain.
So I have decided to go…and I am being careful and not revealing things, even here. But today he said “thank you for staying with me, for sticking by my side. I love you” and I replied that I love him too. SO VERY MUCH. and it is true. And I am still leaving. He doesnt know. I feel horrible. Sneaky and lying and torn. I love him and I am leaving and he doesnt know. Today he is nice–Dr. Jekyll. I am doubting myself and filled with grief, but still I am going.Will share more with all of you soon. Please pray for me and send your good vibes my way. xoxo
NAP – what a horrible analogy. I don’t know how you survived that…..yuck is the only word for what you went through.
Bonnie – I hope that God gives you the strength to find your way through this very difficult time. I’m glad that you have a plan.
Deb
I am sending you all the strength that was taken from me Bonnie…. I love mine too … God help us and stay strong. You are doing the right thing .. This is no way to live.
Love,
BevJoAnn-Your post was wonderful, and it sounded exactly like Steve. He is still professing to this day that he is going to change and we will be together some day. I am so glad I have been able to get past all of this, and do it without feeling sad or guilty. I know he can’t change no matter how hard he tries, and maybe part of it is manipulation on his part, and part of him is sincere. The bottom line is the same-He is what he is!
It is so interesting this topic came up today, as it is so appropriate after my meeting with my attorney yesterday.The reason she has not gotten back to me in a timely manner is because of the fact this is our 3rd separation, and she wanted to make sure I was clear in my mind what I really want. I told her my plans are to not go back to him. No Way-No How. I will never be able to trust him, I will never be able to know for sure if he has actually learned to manage his addiction, I will never be able to know for sure if their is still lieing and deceiving, and most importantly, the ONE thing I CAN count on is there will be slips and relapses for years to come.
Having said that, I will tell you all what my attorney has advised. She feels it is more financially beneficial for me to stay married to him and live apart. Right now, as the post nump reads, should he pre-decease me I will get $250,000. or a quarter of his estate. He has an annuity which will pay out benefits of $800./mo to me for life because I would be the surviving spouse. We talked about a solution to the $600./mo being paid as as we speak, whether we are divorced or not. Also, as we all know, a judge would not grant that in a divorce of 2 yrs. or Steve could get pissed of and just not pay. So, her solution is have him pay off my Condo, which has a balance of $54,000. Pay off the car, which has a balance of $11,000. (That is already in the post nump) and leave the $10,000./yr as is in case I do decide to divorce somewhere down the line. He is also required to pay LTC, Dental, and vision Ins.She based these figures on my life expectancy of 10- 15 yr., which at $600/mo. would amount to around $90,000.So, it all comes out pretty close to the life expectancy figure.
She will add the payoff of car and Condo to the Post nump, and this is also all in effect if we remain married or divorced.
Now, I am sure Steve is agreeing to this because he is delusional and feels he will change and we will live happily ever after. Now the decision comes on whether to ever see him. I Haven’t made a decision on that one yet, but if I would make that decision it would be at least two years down the road, and I’m not concerned with that right now.
For at least the next two years, Steve knows we will be living separate lives. Right now, I care about him, but I do not love him in the same way I did. Kinda like you JoAnn. Too much damage to forget, and I will not allow that to happen again.It would take a miracle from God to ever feel that passion again, and miracles don’t happen with SA’s. Ha!
Anyway, that’s my story and I think it makes much more sense, at my age, to stay married. I really have no desire to date again- think Steve cured me in that department. I will not shut down my life, however. I intend to continue going to dances, (dancing is my passion) have my own social network, and am getting back into Stephen Ministries.
I feel content with my decision, and it has certainly been a long time getting here. As you said, Joann, the struggles are insurmountable!
Hugs to everyone.JoAnn, I was thinking it was less about the PTSD, which I know is REAL and AWFUL and DEBILITATING, and more about getting stuck in the stages of grief. I feel like I spent an enormous amount of time in denial, then went into bargaining (with him, with myself, with the universe), then into depression for a long while, then anger, which is where I am currently (any doubts?), but I’m millimetering toward acceptance. The borders of these stages are mushy, too; I’ll go back and forth between them some. So it’s like hearing you have a terminal illness, maybe, and you fight it like hell–BECAUSE YOU CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
I think both March and JoAnn are right. Where i think the difference comes in and in what Joann was saying was about the lack of closure….
I think the difference is this…
If your husband has done that which is completely unforgiviable at day one…you are done. Done. He does not even plead because he knows he has no change in hell. You flex your muscles he scrams, its over.Then there are the ones that know we are leaving due to our safety and they and we feel the confusion. They know this and begin the begging the pleading and often times it works. They know we are on the fence. And yes there is no closure. Becuase he hopes day in and day out he will convince you.
I think the divorce siutation that JoAnn speaks of…is hey we do not get along anymore or we are not meant for each other…so they as a couple have decided to divorce. With a sex addict and middle of the road ambivalance…the decision to divorce is far from it. Its usually a step towards self preservation from somepne who you loved that hurt you deeply.
This man you not only loved but were married to. He committed all of these offenses..but yet he loves you?? No he does not. But we want so badly to believe that they do?? Yet So close but yet so far far away!! That is why we try and stay…if he could just do this one thing we will make it!!
Right?? Just this one thing. But its never just that one thing or too. There is often times years of neglect and abuse. I think for the most part its irrepairable. I don’t think one can really flourish and thrive and live with their abuser.
I know i am one of the ones who have left. But life is really soooo much better without this…it really is. We can be happy with ourselves. But our relationship can make us unhappy in our lives.
Love,
FloraOh, Bonnie, I can feel the pain you are in. But I can also feel the strong place you have arrived at. Thinking of you and praying for your continued strength and healing. xoxo
There is something very common among all those stories and experiences of the different women here, and there is a common factors among all of us, look around here you can easily see that all the women here are very intelligent, articulate, and have a special depth in their views and abilities of seeing the world, they are beautiful physically and in every other single way, those SAs were intelligent enough in their choices of these women, they knew what they want exactly, and they got it, so I believe it is one for the reason why those men do stick their foot in the door and try all kinds of ways to keep us as they know very well that they got the best of the best, now unfortunately they also chose kind and loving and forgiving women, so with that combination they play on those buttons and they manipulate us I feel into staying, if they know that they can get any other woman better than us I feel they would let us go in a heartbeat, but after playing the field and going through all kind of experiences they know very well that they will never find a woman like their own spouse, but even with that knowledge it seems their weakness and sickness is so deep that they will not stop doing what would cause them to loose us at the end.
each one of us has also her issues, some children, some money, some fears and some incomplete experiences with those SAs, I think that each one of us is going to stay until she herself has that closure within her, I know some may disagree but I feel that there is a lesson for each one of us to learn from this experience, there is something that we have to work on within ourselves , I don’t think anything happen in this universe in random there is a reason behind anything and everything happening in our lives, or at least I like to believe so, I like to believe in the order of this universe, so there is something, one thing or another that we have to learn, will ok let me speak about myself, there is something that I have to learn from going through this hell, and it does not seem that I am done learning it, so that is why I am where I am, some others here like March, Diane, and now Bonnie obviously they found their answers and they moved in the right direction for what they were suppose to learn and do, but I think each one of us will get there at her own pace, that is why for me I decided I am not going to beat myself up any more about moving in certain direction, but I feel at the same time that I am not standing still, I am moving in the direction that I am supposed to be moving in, I am learning my lessons, one by one, and it appears that I have many to learn 🙂 or maybe it is taking me long time to learn who knows, but what I know that my eyes opened into new frontier and there is no way back to where I was or what I used to be, I had lost my innocence which I sometimes grieve but with also shedding my innocence and my naivety I am finally maturing into the adult woman I was supposed to be, strong in my views and needs I learned how to stand my grounds and not give up for fears of confrontation or conflicts, there is muscle that is growing within me, but that muscle is still small and fresh, it has to grow more to withstand the cruelty of this world and the cruelty of my h, so I am there to keep exercising this muscle until it grows strong enough so I can enter into the marathon of life.
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