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Hey Ladies, I haven’t been on here in awhile but have come back for help. My husband and I have stopped going to therapy because we’ve run out of money so we’re on our own for recovery.
My husband claims he has finished his recovery process but I’m still sitting at ground 0…suffocating under a pile of resentment that he’s fine and I’m not. I ask him to help me, but he just get’s angry and frustrated and says he doesn’t know how and that I don’t appreciate the things he is doing. In my mind, the only things he’s doing is asking me every few days how I feel…it’s not enough…is that bad for me to want more?
I don’t know how to explain why that’s not enough, I don’t know what more I can ask him to do for me…
What are some things my husband can do to help with my recovery process (besides the obvious, not acting out). He’s already sweet, builds me stuff, gives me the things I need psychically…but he also did that stuff before he acted out so It’s like I need something more “recovery” related, not just “relationship” related.
Someone help….:(
Hi JLB,
I am far from being an expert, as I struggle with similar things to what you are saying. but I do have a couple of things to add.
1) “done with recovery”–I dont think there is such a thing.
and 2) When you ask for help and he gets angry and frustrated–THAT is what he could do. NOT get angry and frustrated, but meet your struggle with tenderness and understanding–and never waivering on his responsibility for this or losing his patience. FOR AS LONG AS YOU CONTINUE TO HURT AND NEED/ASK FOR IT!
I havent heard of a husband on here consistently doing that, and if they did, I would have more faith in their “recovery” and their commitment to us.
Im guessing that he checks in with how you feel, but heaven forbid if you dont feel okay! How do I know this? Take a wild guess.
Oh and one more thing–please dont for a single minute think you arent entitled to that, whether he can give it to you or not. It is the LEAST he can do. The least any of them could do! So no dear friend, it is not bad for you to want more than the cursory question “how do you feel”?
Hugs to you.Hi JLB, welcome back to SOS. I’m sorry you’re struggling, but it’s so understandable. These guys just want to go on like nothing ever happened. When what happened means EVERYTHING to us and, I believe, always will. I agree with Bonnie’s suggestion that your husband really needs to be patient, loving, and understanding with you through all of this. And for “as long as it takes” as Dr. Phil always says. Please keep posting, we all understand what you’re going through. Love, Liza
HI,
I’m really sorry you ran out of money for therapy. And I understand how long we can be in that one spot, unable to move from the overwhelming feelings of anger, hurt, fear, and distrust. Could it be too soon for you to expect yourself to “bounce back”? YOu are still protecting yourself and for good reason. He has to demonstrate the meaning of sobriety in his life, and changed behaviour towards you. I think the onus is not on you but on him. We all respond to being loved. So love is as love does. His challenge is to trust his own recovery, not by demanding anything from you, but by being lovingly patient with where you are, and believing in your capacity to love again, if he deserves it.Welcome back JLB, and please know that we are all here for you whenever you need us for however long you need us.
I agree with Bonnieb, they are NEVER done with recovery, and his words sound very much like he is in denial about what the hard work of recovery really entails.
How long has he been in recovery and what has he done (besides not doing whatever horrible things that were part of his compulsive sexual behaviors)?
Stopping the behaviors is NOT recovery. It is simply the first step. So, what else has he done?
And again to agree with Bonnieb, his sense of entitlement is not the sign of a man who is ready to acknowledge his actions and take accountability for what they have done to you (yes, that is exactly what this anger and frustration means–entitlement–as if you have no rights to YOUR feelings, but he has every right to his).
My husband, Larry, knows that he will spend the rest of his life making up to me for what he has done. He knows that I may never forgive him. He knows that I may never love him again. He tells me many times a day that he loves me and knows that I may never say that back to him.
This is not a punishment, it just is what it is and that is where I am at. Larry accepts that.
He listens when I want to talk, he does not get defensive, and he also listens and comforts me when I still have those times when I need to yell and cry.
Although he may not know the right words to say, he does acknowledge that he is trying to understand how I feel, that he knows that he can never make up for what he has done, and all he can do is show me for the rest of his life that he is sorry and will never do it again.
Larry has been sober for almost six years.
That is what recovery looks like.
Years and years and years and years.
Hi JLB,
I was curious as to how long you both had been attending therapy together and apart. This is not a quick process. So am curious how long it has been. There are also other sources.
I know many of here do not approve of 12 step, but if money is short, i think its the least that he can do to keep in touch with what he needs to do. He should continue to do something iw ould think. As always stated recovery is not something that is ever completed. It is a daily struggle and is something they will always continue to work at.Love,
FloraJoAnn – Are you talking about 6 yrs. of sobriety with prostitution? Do you consider the porn relapses a break in sobriety? Just curious.
I guess Steve has never really been totally sober.
He has the looking around and objectifying out in public under control, but the lieing never stops. Then, this w/e he looked at or noticed his sister’s boobs. I would bet more on looked than noticed.I love reading this forum… so many smart women, that I often think “what else can I add to that?” (especially since I’m new to all this)
The 12 steps might be an idea, at least he would be doing something. Or if you have a church that runs a Men Healthy Sexuality program, that’s also free. Maybe Recovery Nation, if he’s willing to do the work.
It’s not something he can be done with, ever…
All I can say is that all of the above advice is wonderful.
There is no such thing as “recovered” just a constant recovering for a lifetime.
My H used to argue with me when I told him how I felt. As if my feelings are up for debate! He slowly did it less and when he does he rather quickly recognizes he is doing it and apologizes. He says, “I need to just listen to how you feel.” He gets this “look” on his face sometimes when I express how I feel. I HATE that look. It’s a blank stare/empty eyes sort of thing with a twist of irritation. I am beginning to wonder if this is the “listening” face. *rolls eyes*
I don’t know if there is a way they can help us. They seem to have a knack for making it worse.
Sharron,
Yes, six years of sobriety from prostitution.
His Recovery Plan, which we worked on together, listed ‘Yellow Light Behaviors’ (those that could lead to using a prostitute, such as surfing the internet for actresses photos or watching hard or soft core porn. Larry engaging in Yellow Light Behaviors meant the relationship was in danger and these actions had consequences.) or ‘Red Light Behaviors’ (having a physical or emotional relationship with anyone other than me, which meant the relationship was over).
Just like an alcoholic, if they bought a bottle of booze and dumped it down the drain they had not ‘fallen off the wagon’ and they were still sober. If they drove by the liquor store and really had the urge to buy something, but made the decision not to, they are still sober.
I never addressed anything about what Larry was thinking, because no one can or should try to control another’s thoughts.
As for ‘triggering’ this is a phrase that means an unconscious automatic response to something one experiences, sees, feels, smells or hears.
No one has any control over ‘triggers’. They just happen.
I remember writing to you, Sharron, several times about this before. I think you somehow are confused about what ‘triggers’ are.
What really matters is how they handle these ‘triggers’, thoughts and urges. We cannot ever control someone else’s responses to stimuli or control their thoughts. And, personally I do not think we should expect them to tell us about every single thought or urge they have.
It’s their actions that matter.
So, that’s it in a nutshell how Larry and I have handled that part of his compulsive behaviors. He has managed to control whatever urges or triggers he has had and has remained sober for almost six years.
JLB-
For me, as I told my H last year and as I will continue to say it again whenever we do get to talk next, I needed him to understand what reassurance meant. I asked repeatedly for reassurance without any prompting. I wanted him to come to me out of the blue and say “I know you haven’t asked and I know it crosses your mind but just so you know, I haven’t watched porn, I haven’t felt any urges to (or admit that he has whatever the case may have been so we could talk about it) or I feel I am staying true to my recovery.” That’s it, that’s all I wanted to give me some peace of mind and a sense of calm through the mighty storm of pa without having to chase it down. I felt if he had done that it would also have shown me that he really is starting to “get it” and he does understand that this is one of my needs to repair some of the damage…..REASSURANCE………..I wasn’t asking for reassurance on a daily basis, just on a semi-frequent basis until I felt more secure. I didn’t think it was asking for the moon for him to do this. I still don’t feel it’s asking too much. Was he ever able to do that? Nope, not one time unless I brought up the subject. So guess what? If I choose to reconcile(we are separated almost 3 weeks now), I will get that unprompted reassurance from him for awhile before he is allowed to come back home. If I was an alcoholic I would like to think that if he asked for reassurance from me that I was not drinking every now and then I would reassure him without prompting to make him feel better and to help rebuild trust. If my H is unwilling to finally grasp that concept of reassurance and what it would do for me then he does not deserve another chance in my opinion.Hi JoAnn- I just want to tell you how happy I am that you and Larry are able to work it out. You deserve so much more than he was ever able to give you, and I hope he is giving some of that back to you now.
I understand what trigger’s are. I think where the confusion , or I should say frustration with me has been is Steve’s definition of a trigger. He feels if he objectifies one time, and looks away like he is supposed to, it is not a trigger. I agree with that. But, when he looks 3-4X’s and looks away,- so he says, but I’m not buying it and neither did his therapist- I would consider it a trigger for him because that is part of his ritual leading up to a full blown trigger. It usually words that way for him. He will start scanning – do it a couple of time, and then BOOM a full blown trigger. I consider the sister incident a trigger, as I did with his daughter because of the repetitive objectifications during the course of about 15″-30″.A single incident.
Anyway, doesn’t really matter at this point. He cannot control his compulsivitiy or lieing. I am getting a post nump revision, and will file when necessary.
Love ya,
Sharron
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