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desiree-larson.
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May 19, 2013 at 8:05 pm #7442
desiree-larson
MemberI may have shared this before but I am triggered now and want to talk about it again. Ex sa rat was an engineer and a computer expert from the beginning of computer development. He did “all things computer” in our home and only taught me what he wanted me to know and kept all his secrets well hidden. It was deliberate ongoing deceit.
For years now I have had to become more and more independent even in the face of being triggered. Progress is being made for sure yet it feels like pushing a boulder up hill.
May 19, 2013 at 11:37 pm #92414juniemoon
ParticipantDesiree yes I know how you feel my sa pornpig was extremely profficient in computer knowledge and knew I was inept at it and was able to completely put one over on me in keeping all his dirty doings right under my nose at home until right near the end when I finally began to get wise but by that time it blew up and I didn’t care anymore and it was over.
May 19, 2013 at 11:54 pm #92415972
MemberGirls, the computer and technology is not the enemy.
learn the new stuff and to hell with the whatever some bad person did with it.
May 20, 2013 at 12:26 am #92416teri
ParticipantDesiree, I understand how you feel. dr. evil used his iphone for much of his sex contacts, and after d-day, he would take out his iphone and hold it out in front of my face to taunt me. He also used it to take a photo of me in my house in front of my son when there is an injunction against him using it in front of Bat. I would love to smash the stupid thing and I have a hard time with iphones in general. I dont’ mind so much other people using them, but I can’t touch one without feeling contaminated, like it’s covered in filth.
I know it isn’t logical, but it is what it is.
It’s crappy all the associations we have with their lying and filth. I can’t wait until a computer is just a computer. I plan on keeping up my trauma work, and I will get there eventually. You are doing so well, Desiree. You have come a long way- hang in there. This will pass, too, eventually.
May 20, 2013 at 12:38 am #92417972
MemberIt is very real. There are certain things that send me spinning. We have to take that power back (to use an overused phrase).
People hate guns because weirdoes use them to slaughter people. They try to pass gun laws and hope that will stop the criminals. People get killed by drunk drivers so they pass DUI laws and hope that will stop the drunk. People die in auto accidents so they pass seatbelt laws. They put ratings on movies and video games. They tell us how many calories are in a f’n Big Mac and fries. All that stuff is good and there is nothing wrong with it BUT the gun, the car, the beer, the Big Mac did not hurt us. The people using them hurt themselves and others. The computer, the phones, the bars, the backpages ad did not hurt us. The SA ( just to keep it simple) hurt us.
Take it back ladies…one step at a time. Slowly take it back.
May 20, 2013 at 3:59 am #92418desiree-larson
MemberIt is the trauma of it all. My body reacts and I feel awful yet again for who knows how long.
So many things are triggers that are just related to everyday life because we were living a life.
I am trying to be aware and to name the triggers. I dealt with trauma from my childhood for years and years. Now, I get to do it again for years and years. The good news is that I am way more functional and healthy that most who have been through similar circumstances. So while it is all hard, I still feel grateful to have had as much access to good healing modalities as I have.
May 20, 2013 at 4:11 am #92419ali
MemberI never had a traumatic childhood, so the PTSD took me by surprise. I’ve had a really rough past 6 months, but I feel like I’m coming back to the surface after being underwater. I don’t want to give weight to anything other than my h for what he’s done. Not the computer, Iphone, etc. It’s all been about his decisions.
I’m still having trouble at the grocery store (forget the mall – that’s way too much stress), but I keep breathing deeply and I feel like I make small strides. I wish that for all of us.May 20, 2013 at 5:27 am #92420desiree-larson
MemberAli, as you may know, I do not choose to give weight to anything. It is just that numerous things related to living life and especially problem solving related to computer use are spontaneous trauma related triggers.
May 20, 2013 at 12:55 pm #92421teri
ParticipantI understand, Desiree- no one chooses to be triggered by the computer, grocery store, mall, iphone, whatever. It is immediate and intense and it can make you feel like you are going crazy. I hate it.
May 20, 2013 at 1:08 pm #92422972
MemberI did not mean to imply that I was exempt from any and all triggers. I just want us all to try very hard to beat them. Yes, they come out of no where and at times I don’t even know why I am upset. I just know “here come the crazies”.
If we identify them and break them down into small steps then we can do it. It took me a year to beat the grocery store and I am still not immune. I am able to do it without a full fledged panic attack.
May 20, 2013 at 2:08 pm #92423juniemoon
ParticipantSo many times I wanted to take a hammer to his hard drive and monitor. I actually cut the wires on his webcam a few times, at the back so he wouldn’t notice it until he tried getting online with his webcam whores. He said nothing about it, neither did I but of course, a new one would be up on top of the monitor a few days later. I would go in his workbag and find a cell phone and crack it with a hammer not enough to see any damage but enough to make it not work anymore. A stupid little dance wasn’t it. I actually found a webcam that was commercial grade, very expensive, tucked in some boxes near the computer that was at least $300 used. The money these creeps piss away on their “hobby” that should have gone to things the family needed that they spend on their penis activities, is disgusting. Yeah technology has its advantages but it has been used to destroy marriages and families too.
May 20, 2013 at 7:11 pm #92424anniem
MemberThe grocery store is still a tough one for me too. Usually it’s ok, but there are times I find myself tearing up in the aisles. I used to like to cook and bake and all that, and I don’t do that anymore except at holidays. It’s just disorienting sometimes, realizing how different my grocery list is these days. One time I went late at night to the store, and realized my basket looked like I should have a ‘Yes I’m Pathetic’ sticker on my butt. Tons of cat food, a frozen pizza, carton of cigs, and a tabloid. For those of us who were the domestic types, it’s especially hard. xoxo
May 20, 2013 at 7:19 pm #92425972
MemberThrow in a 12 pack or a bottle of wine and I would have tried to pick you up Annie 🙂
Domestication is overrated. Maybe we were born to be wild and smoke and drink and eat crappy food and read trashy gossip rags 🙂
May 20, 2013 at 10:38 pm #92426kmf
MemberI always liked to cook. I stopped after d day. I was always a reader. I stopped after d day. I was always happy with my lot. I was miserable after d day. I always thought my H was a gift. After d day……well…you get the picture. The thing is, my life stopped. I stopped my life. WHY? Because I thought my H was SO important to me….that my life would not be worth much without him being in it and being who I thought he was. Now I cook and I read and I am no longer miserable. I’m not ecstatic but I’m ok. Turns out he wasn’t all that and he certainly wasn’t worth giving up, all the things I previously enjoyed. When you accept the loss of who they were not….you begin to get your life back bit by bit. Why? Because you see the utter lunacy in giving up everything you love, in order to perpetually grieve,
some idiot, who couldn’t even be bothered to be faithful to you. You also see the utter sanity, in giving up a whole bunch of behaviours that you engaged in more for their benefit than for your own? Like having yet another “talk” where you attempt to get your needs met. Fuck that. Now I meet my own needs and he can worry about meeting his own and taking care of himself. I can do the grocery store and international travel and holidays and anniversaries and birthdays, my children and anything else I have to do to live. I guess my life didn’t/doesn’t revolve
around him after all……How I wish I had woke up to that fact eons ago. Instead of sobbing my heart out over his antics, I would have laughed right in his ridiculous, lying, cheating, immature face, from over my shoulder, walking away….. Doesn’t matter. Emotionally, I walked any way. I’m telling you girls…these guys are not worth the angst. xMay 20, 2013 at 10:45 pm #92427jos1972
ParticipantYou are amazing Karen xxx
May 20, 2013 at 10:51 pm #92428meg
ParticipantI dunno technology got me hooked up with you lot and Hotwire is my best friend – just had a great trip to NYC, found Minwalla – I am liking Karen’s approach – my trigger is being trapped in a car with someone on the phone speaking in another language for HOURS – not really a trigger but holy shit – why didn’t I jump then???? Meg
May 20, 2013 at 11:06 pm #92429kmf
MemberI think what i am trying to say is that this entire experience is agony because of how we felt about our husbands and what we believed about the reality of our lives? it is all such a terrible shock and so confusing and there is so much upheaval that you do not know what end is up. Then one day…after you have twisted yourself into an emotional pretzel for the umpteenth time over something he said or did or didn’t say or didn’t do or posted on his laptop or told his sister or whatever…..you just suddenly realize he is a complete idiot. I mean a first class ahole. And you are not thinking it because of any of the above factors or because you are enraged or because you just stumbled onto yet another problem…. You are thinking it because it suddenly dawns on you that he is a first class idiot/loser/ man child/pervert/conniving bastard/needy peter pan/cheater supreme and manipulator extraordinaire.That is who you are married to. That is who you are freaking out about and spending ALL your time fretting and grieving over? When that moment hits…you begin grieving your own loss of years in a big way. You also start being real selective about every crumb you give him from that point on. It’s like this idiot wasted years and years of my life. Do I want to let him waste
any more? NO. I don’t.May 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm #92430desiree-larson
MemberKaren – YEP, you have summed our situations up pretty darn well. Immature idiots to boost. They are so good at pretending. Dammit!
May 21, 2013 at 11:24 pm #92431carriellen
ParticipantAwesome post kmf!!! I was grieving a man who never existed. I loved a man who never told me the truth. I was devastated and to look back I never knew my husband, he was NOT the man I thought he was, that guy never existed.
I do feel robbed for 22 years of my life. I was not given accurate information to make the best decisions for my life.
May 22, 2013 at 4:24 am #92432desiree-larson
MemberThat’s right carriellen. And, did he engage in numerous financial agreements jointly with you under false pretenses? I just ache for JUSTICE for all of us.
Not only are they idiots, they are pathetic idiots.
May 22, 2013 at 4:49 am #92433kmf
MemberYou are completely correct Carriellen and we ALL really struggle with the injustice of what they did to us. And it was UNJUST…make no mistake about that. That can become part of the trouble though. I REALLY struggled with the whole” How can this be happening to me??!! Why me? I don’t deserve this. I have been robbed of precious years of my life. It’s too late and he has not paid for what he has done” and so on and so on and so on. Then I joined this group and I see that so many wonderful women have been put through the exact same wringer as I have. It wasn’t fair for any of them…but they were still victimized. I now see that kind of thinking as a trap of sorts. It is the old looking for answers, looking for validation, looking for that elusive closure…….a closure that doesn’t seem to ever come? I don’t know why I ended up with this man and I don’t know why he had to do the things he did. I suspect he is nuts or character disordered or fucked or something. It is what it is. The more I try to figure it out the more of my energy I devote to a lost cause I wish I had never taken up in the first place. I don’t know why he is an idiot. I just know that he is. I don’t consider myself to be an idiot- not anymore- so I don’t want to exert myself on his shit…and that even includes wondering why I got stuck with him and hurt by him and used by him. I just did. I won’t let it happen again. It was all so so exhausting and draining and painful and time consuming…..
May 22, 2013 at 1:08 pm #92434donna
MemberKaren, your last two posts pretty well sum up the way I feel. My daughter says that, “dad has you in a box and on a pedestal at the same time”. She is right on. It is so disheartening to finally see how I’ve been manipulated by a sick individual with believable lucid moments. He said yesterday, “I was good today, right? Wasn’t it a good day”. Just sick. If that isn’t needy Peter Pan I don’t know what is.
May 22, 2013 at 3:21 pm #92435desiree-larson
MemberYes, Donna, that is what I experienced as well. Sick and crazy. So very hard to explain to anyone else who has not lived this reality.
Frankly, I never intended to mother a snotty teenager in an adult, aging male body. That IS NOT what I want in a relationship. When I asked for more……it was impossible for him to give….because he was frozen in his immaturity.
Thinking outloud here so I can get this straight in my mind.
I have a personal project of moving on…and happily so….but I have 3 adult sons to communicate “what the hell happened” to. I needs words, I need something believable beyond “he led a double life – he lied to all of us – he masqueraded as a ‘good guy’. Finally, when it was all found out – he abused me in every way on his ‘way out the door’. NOT A NICE GUY!
May 22, 2013 at 5:46 pm #92436march
ParticipantSounds like you have ALL the right words to me, Desiree.
May 22, 2013 at 5:52 pm #92437972
MemberMarch stole my post:)
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