Concentrate on yourself!

The concept is a little difficult, but true we have lives. We are to concentrate on our needs and wants. Similarly if you attend 12 step for co-sex addicts, co-dependents you are only supposed to talk about yourself and not the addict.

i am the same I work full time, have three kids, a house, two dogs, There is not much me time. and my SA husband who was never help much financially or household wise in the home is the same out of the home.

I guess the subtle way to think about it is take yourself into consideration and when you can fit things in for yourself. I know does not happen often. I think of it as to make sure you are listening to yourself, take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself.

This take time for yourself….stems from them wanting to call us co-dependents. In other words we get our sense of self from doing things for others, we stuff our needs and wants down and are addicted to the addict and the addiction. They would like to say our entire life revolves around the addict, his problems and caring for others. This is where many ideas of what they feel the spouse is or does goes awry. Many of us would think of ourselves, but life is just plain busy. i have squeezed some me time in, feels good. But in no way changed anything.

Also I think they want to know more about you, not the addict. But yet you say they spend the whole session talking about him. Personally I spend the whole session talking about the addict, as it is the only place I can (besides here). I spend the rest of the time working on my life, taking care of kids and caring for me. I spend no effort or time caring for the addict.

its tough to navigate. Do you have a therapist just for you? Many times it happens that a couples therapist uses you to prop up the addict, never considering your needs or wants. It is best to get your own, independent therapist if possible. Have they used the words co-dependent or co-addict yet?

floria you said “Many times it happens that a couples therapist uses you to prop up the addict, never considering your needs or wants” i was included in various meeting with my partner and his councilor. my understanding of this was to stay connected and to also be allowed to bring to the table my side of what was going on we us and him. every time i would say of inject something it would be turned around such as i brought up how my partner 3 months in to recovery forced sex on me yes raped me and the councilor in turn said to partner how do you feel about what she says. he responded that he could see that and it was dropped i got angry and then was brought up to be a very angry person witch could be understood because of the past. many times i wound insist that he had something like a pd and this guy just nix it off. on feb. 1st i told this guy and my partner that in knew in fact that he was using his bs recovery as a cover and this so called councilor looks at my partner and says do you here what shes saying let me say i do believe you are in recovery. 3 weeks later my partner is in a strip club backroom he bought 4 whores for 500. i called this councilor and told him and he says i knew hes been stuck. all these meeting made me question myself even when i had proof and not just gut feeling. how could someone trained in addiction not know more then me, now i know. i dont remember what my point was when i started to post here. i guess its to just let others like me know be true to yourself.

Dear Flora and Katt,
I think your counsellors sound like you should get a new one just for yourself. I have never heard a story of couple’s counseling with an SA that didn’t just end up in the psychological and emotional abuse of the wife or partner. These people are completely out of their depth professionally. They are waiting for any opportunity to see the SA as a victim of the wife/partner, because they are not personally or professionally “comfortable” with the truth of the SA and his relationships. And all their training tells them that the wife should be able to “move on”, “try again”, “risk love”—-all of which will get her called co-dependent or co-addict the next time she’s in. As Ezra EArl Jones pointed out many years ago—the system is designed for the results it is getting.

I hope you will find some counselling support for your experiences with the SA, your questions, your insights, and your hope for life.

love,
D.