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Thursday is my 10 year anniversary. It has also been 1 year since my heart was broken and I found out my husband is a sex addict. I don’t really care about the label sex addict. I care that he spoke to other women and promised them things and wanted to make them happy when I was suffering. He told me lies that I wanted to believe because not believing them would be devestating. I chose to live in denial. I’ve never told him how much he devestated me because he doesn’t want to hear it and also because he minimizes it so much that I feel like a crazy person. I’m also angry that he wanted me to participate in many of his addictions at the expense of mental health and physical health. He would put me in harms way for his own sexual pleasure.
I have some confessions to make. I am not innocent in this.
1. I am not a very good friend. I will do and do and do for you until I’m exhausted and then I will avoid you so that I don’t have to do anymore. You will wonder where I went or what’s wrong but I will avoid you like the plague. I will do this rather than tell you no or how I really feel.
2. I am not a very good employee. I will work long hours and I will stay late and I will say yes to anything you ask and then I will resent you. I will work so hard and make myself indispensible to the company. I will do this for less money than I am worth. I will work extra for free. Then one day you will say something and I will completely overreact and I will quit. I will leave you hanging. I will have a burnt a big bridge.
3. I try to be a good mom, but I’m not. I will take care of you and all I want is for you to be happy, but I’m exhausted. I have trouble saying no, even to you. You will be taken care of, but I am empty inside. My oldest son left a few weeks ago to live with his father. He is 16. I’ve spoken to him twice. I am a terrible, horrible, disgusting person because I don’t want to talk to him. I feel abandoned. This makes me feel guilty. So guilty.
4. I think I am ugly but I don’t do anything to take care of myself. I don’t eat all day and then I can’t stop at home. I don’t excercise and I smoke. I will not leave the house without makeup on. It feels like a self imposed prison.
5. I’m afraid of everything. Especially of being alone.
6. I sleep too much and never finish the laundry.
7. I can count on one hand the amount of times that I’ve had an orgasm with my husband. He doesn’t know this though. I’ve lied for 10 years, just to make him happy and not hurt his feelings. I can really only have an orgasm by myself and after I do, I feel guilty, like I’ve done something shameful.
8. I don’t feel like I am living. I feel like I am surviving. I have a large life insurance policy on myself and sometimes I think it would be a whole lot better for everyone if I was not around.
9. I’ve cheated on my husband. Well he wanted me too, but then I continued the affair secretly, but I still never had an orgasm. I lied to him too. And he was an even bigger loser than my husband. I gave him money. I ended it. But I’m ashamed of myself.
10. I’m full of shame, guilty, self-hatred, anger, bitterness and despair.
11. If you saw me, you would think I was very nice and put together and so pleasant, and it would be a lie.Last Straw,
Awwwwwww….honey. Throw that shame out the frickin window. YOU are wonderful, you are worth it, you deserve much more. I know that you will find that person. She is there under all the filthy shame that you spewed. Go find her. She is there.
If you have any time or $$, go to Survivor’s Week at the Meadows (by Pia Mellody) – to get rid of your shame and start living the life you were meant to live.
We all love you just the way you are, character defects and all.
(you should read my list…..)
Deb
Thank you for sharing this very personal part of yourself, Last Straw and please know we understand! We REALLY get it!!!
I hate it that you feel this way and hope that you reach out for professional help TODAY. If you need to talk, please call me at 317 797 5328. I am by no means a qualified professional- but I understand this shit and I can listen too.
Are you on an antidepressant? I swear, Celexa did me a world of good! (mild, but just enough for some clarity and practicallity).
And hey, listen….. We have ALL done things out of character and that we are not proud of while living with a fucking SA!! You can go to the “Stories” group and read mine to see my big sin! You are NOT alone.
We believe in you! You need to give yourself a 2nd chance! Unlike our SA’s, YOU are human!! You deserve a break! Please keep talking to us through this process…. We will worry about you!!
Ps- I think you’re beautiful!!!
Love,
SL
Laststraw,
You sound human to me. I know I could make a laundry list too and probably get kick off the site (but not arrested). This doesnt make you a bad person, it makes you a real person. Nobody really has their shit together. Were all a part of the human race. Please make another list about what you really like about yourself, that’s were the focus needs to be. I would love to read it. You’re a great writer BTW.
Love, NapxoOh Hell Laststraw, is that all you got? My list would make you look like a freakin’ saint. Honey, you need to step back and get some perspective. Nothing on that list is anything but pure old ordinary human nature.
I do wish you would tell your H that he sucks in bed. I’ll tell him for you ( please please please ) 🙂
Start down that list one by one and change the things you really don’t like one babystep at a time. Make a ” Recover Stephanie’ list….start with:
1) I am a HUMAN BEING.
love you ( I messed your name up) I hope I got it right this time
Honey, if we had to post everything we did wrong, my posts would be a lot longer than the novellas they already are.
Those anniversary and other dates, where you take stock and hopefully celebrate, are the pits for us sisters. But we love you, and there’s none of us that hasn’t made a choice or two or fifty we’d take back in a heartbeat. You say you chose to live in denial. Well, you chose to LIVE and make it through the best way you knew how. You’re a survivor and that’s a hell of a trick to pull off as a partner to an addict. The normal rules only get you run down like you were hit by a mack truck. You adapted to the environment, and that is the definition of intelligence. The environment sucked, true, but that can change. When it does, you are going to adapt to the new, supportive and healthy environment, too. You do that, you are smart and resourceful and determined and you are pulling the stops out on the honesty here. You are a gold mine of character traits that make you a fantastic friend, employee, lover, mom, and SISTER! So what if there’s a little dross in there, that’s what mining is all about.
You were expecting what from yourself, exactly? Perfection? Who’s perfect? Meeting someone who portrays themself as perfect is creepy. Meeting someone everyone else thinks is perfect just puts up a big “lookout, gonna blow” on them in my mind, now. Those are the ones I wonder about the most.
I wish you could have been there when I was at a huge homeschooling mom’s convention. They had a game, “the world’s worst mom” where you had to stand up if you’d done these bad mom things. And at the beginning practically everyone was standing up, like ‘let your kid watch too much TV when you’re busy”. Some were silly, like “overuse of the word no”. But at the end, the “winners” standing on opposite sides of the hall, were me and the event coordinator, a tie. We have laughed about that ever since.
It’s a tie, Stephanie. We all did something to get through. We are getting through. We’re scuffed up, but on our way.
I’ve been on an anti-depressant since my oldest was born. I had terrible postpartum depression. It’s funny because after he was born, I left my abusive boyfriend. I was only 20 and I had been with him since I was 13. For 2 years I was recovering and happy. I had friends, I went to school, I had a job I loved. I took Jack to mom’s groups and playdates and it was just me and my little boy and I was the happiest I had ever been. Then when he was two, I met my husband.
I’ve been on Paxil ever since and I’ve had the same therapist for 9 years, but obviously, that isn’t working. So I have an appointment with new therapist on Monday. I think I need a new perspective. I don’t want to be like this. I want to get better.
My reason for the above post was that I want to start to be honest with myself and everyone else and stop pretending that everything is okay when it clearly isn’t.
I have such low self esteem that I don’t even want to post here sometimes because I think you all won’t like me or think what I have to say is stupid. And it’s always about me, me, me. I feel so selfish. Everyone has so many hurts and problems and here I am talking about myself and my problems. I’m so fucked up. I want everyone to like me and as you can see from above, I’m not very good at maintaining relationships.Sisterly love is unconditional!!! You post when you want and what you want!! We can take it!!! I think you are taking a big step today… To kick this thing off…. And start putting honesty upfront and out there!!! XXOO!!!!
Gosh Laststraw I’ve always loved your posts and found them authentic and insightful. We need you on this site posting and if being honest with your confession helped you I think that’s great. Please post sister, we need you and you need us. We all like each other here only a few cat fights so far.
Well, I think that’s pretty impressive. To know exactly what you want, tackle it, and share it. That a lot of self awareness and courage and organization of some pretty elusive feelings.
I like you, have since you joined. Of course we ALL post about ourselves and our problems. Who else could hear this stuff, really? And understand? We’re here to do that, share and listen and learn. We all know that the sharing is not going to be a walk in the park or Sunday school discussion.
If more people were honest like this, relationships would be a lot better. Don’t you think?
You are working on you and you want to be better. That’s all any of us can do. Put a picture of your happy time with your son on your bathroom mirror. You will get there again. You are on the right track and we don’t like you, we love you.
Deb
Last Straw, that was truly courageous!
And you really do write powerfully. I was able to recognize parts of my own life as well. Thank you for having the courage to describe it all so well. I think it probably helped some other women too.
But first and foremost it’s about you, and living in your own skin, and finding a path of cherishing and forgiving and changing. There are lots of signs of codependence in there, and it would help if you were talking to a good therapist about those threads being given the power to put your life together. To be so clear and eloquent about yourself is not a little thing. It’s a big thing. But just because it’s clear and eloquent and powerful doesn’t mean it’s final, or complete.You are also courageous and intelligent. Where does that fit in the story. Can you write some lines about that? Who have you loved—not from codependence but from love? Can you write about that? Has it ever occurred to you that you don’t have orgasms with these men because they are not worthy of your orgasm. That’s pretty much what I’m thinking.
You’ve told part of your story. Don’t be fooled into believing that’s the only story you have to tell. What are the other stories of you—the ones you might not write so brilliantly—the ones you might be clumsy with because you don’t have as much confidence about it, or because you are afraid of the beauty there or that if you share it, it will be damaged.
Honey pie, there’s more to you than the finely written, honest ugliness of what you do best. There’s also the hesitating light, the frightened beauty, the protected glory of you. And we are never going to let you pretend its not there.
holding your hand,
D.xoI definitely need you guys. Please know that if even I haven’t commented much I read all your stories and feel your pain and soak in your wisdom. It helps me get through the days. Thank you.
Dear Last Straw, thanks for your honesty. Sounds like you’ve hit your own bottom and are ready for change. I try to remind myself: One small step in the right direction, every day. What can you do now, Tuesday–just something easy–toward something better?
LS, I’m so impressed with your insight and your courage. You are one hell of a sister, sister! I can relate to so much of what you wrote, particularly about having self esteem issues. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Love,
DaisyI have started a journal of ramblings and reading your post was just what I needed today. Your honesty! Amazing and boy can you write! But I agree with the sisters – make a list of the things you do like – even if it starts with the pinky nail of your little finger. Find something. I have lived in denial for the last 13 or so years and I put on a face for all to see that our family was perfect and I was fulfilled and happy. I have had more people tell me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful marriage and such amazing kids and I let them say it when I knew my marriage was not wonderful – although I did not know that he was “using” again. I wanted to believ that if that is what folks saw – then it was so. Now I need to get honest and figure out how to tell friends, family and co-workers that my life has been shattered be sexual addiction in my husband. I have always spouted that what other people think of me is none of my business – but that is another lie – because I care deeply what others think – I really have to get over this. Keep posting. I think you are amazing and your honesty SO connected with me today.
my list for LS
1. she is courageous. she will pour her heart out and show how she really feels
2. she is honest in that she will not hold back on what she thinks. she doesn’t know how wonderful she is though
3. she is pretty – her picture is so so so pretty.
4. she is smart, she writes beautifully
5. she was unlucky, she didn’t deserve to be treated that way
6. she is loved, by all the sisters here. and by many many more people, i’m willing to bet.
7. her future will be brighter than her pastLastStraw, like NAP said, you sound downright human to me. I can relate to so much of what you said. I wish you could be less hard on yourself, but I know too well what that’s like. You are none of those bad things you said you are. I hope you will try to be a little gentle on yourself today. Sending you big hugs. xoxo
Last Straw, thank you for being who you are and for sharing yourself with us. You are an inspirational role model for me, my next goal is now going to be working on being honest with myself and unlocking what my own truths are about myself and my life. I think I’ve had them safely locked away for a long time, and it’s time to let them out. When I read your list, I thought it doesn’t matter how other people see us, what matters is how we see ourselves.
Bev, I laughed out loud at your comment “Honey, is that all you’ve got”Love your sense of humor and you could write about your grandfather’s pick up a hoe story every day and I will enjoy it every. single. time.Dear Last Straw,
Your act of self-examination and sharing took immense bravery and courage. We all have our sides that are not “perfect”. Who says we have to be perfect? Have you ever seen a female character in a movie where she is strong and just kicks ass? She is not entirely good or bad. But she just has that presence that you know she is comfortable in her own skin? Kick ass. Allow yourself to be you and mess up if it gets you to a better place or enlightens you.
I do agree with many of the postings. Now right the “I am” list. Making mistakes are about forgiving ourselves and doing better the next time when a similar opportunity arises. Being human is just that resting when the laundry isn’t done, sleeping on the sofa for 3 days (I just did that). Even though you shared these things we still care. We are not judging you. I know that you are being really hard on yourself. Rewrite the list. Now have love and compassion for yourself.
Dear Last Straw,
Thank you for your honesty. You are simply worn out. You don’t have anything left to give to ANYBODY. Your pot is depleted and now you have to fill it up before you will feel well enough to cope with other people and their problems?
I think it is wonderful you are trying another therapist and that you have enough insight to know that what you have been doing so far is not working. You have put all your energy into relationships with other people and now it is time to put your energy into the most important relationship of all- the relationship you have with yourself. You cannot go on the way you are Last Straw. You have to force a change. It doesn’t have to be anything major…it just has to be in another direction. A direction that is totally YOU focused. Call your son. Tell him you are sick, that you love him very much but you need to take a short break. Tell him to call you if he needs you. Then let EVERYONE else f–k off. Go to work and take care of yourself. Ignore your H completely and do not worry about him. He is completely irrelevant and can be dealt with later.he isn’t going anywhere so u won’t have to worry about being alone. Give absolutely NOTHING to him or anyone else. See the therapist and if you trust her/him, do everything they tell you to do. Make yourself a priority and do not stop until you can easily sit down and write a list of your good points as well as your human flaws. Your well has run dry. You have to replenish the well….
Keep posting. We are all behind you and you know how picky we are? 😉 HUGE HUG Karen xxLast Straw,
Reading your confession made me very sad, but also very happy. You want to know why? It is because of our SAH that we are placed in aposition to examine ourselves. Not that this is good what happened to us, but a perspective that is brigher would see that this happened to us for a reason. I (like you) have recently confessed a lot of character defects about myself. I am not perfect either. I guess in a way, it makes what they do to us seem like something that can be understood one day. this by no way means that it justifies what they did, or that you should forgive them. Just use this experience to better you. I have.
Now…onto more important topics. You are a wonderful person! You have to look to a higher power for mercy and grace. It seems that you are depressed, believe me I know what depression looks like. You can come out of it on top. Make a list of great things about yourself and dwell upon those. The negative confession list is healthy to write down, but you can do something about most of them and change the future. Good luck sister 🙂
Sometimes you just gotta take a chance and let it all hang out. You done good, sister. I’m sure you feel depleted but that’s why we are here. We lift each other up and we’d be delighted to help such a willing soul!
As I read your post, none of it shocked me. I could say that I have done several of the same things you have done. So what? That’s life and we move on.
I have to tell you, though . . . I get really sarcastic with the truth sometimes and one day I was at the beauty salon to get my hair cut; I was in a real pissy mood that day. When I walked in everyone was all “Good morning, how are ya?” almost like they were singing it in a real sweet song. My dumb ass reply, with a fake smile on my face, was: “My life’s all fucked up. So how the hell are all of you? :)”.
Some times you just gotta let it all hang out!
Much love, Claire
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