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Dear Sisters,
I thought maybe I would give you all an update and share some of the vile details of my recent history–looking for support, advice, commiseration, constructive criticism whatever you have. Im calling this a confession because I have been purposely not sharing how bad things have been, because I know you will encourage me to do the RIGHT thing, which I havent felt ready to do…
I havent shared much about my husbands “recovery” probably because I think it is half assed. The background is that we did counselling around first d-day (years ago), and I thought it helped and we have worked it out. Subsequently he has tried everything BUT deeply looking. Chinese medicine, meditation, a handful of SA meetings years ago, herbal remedies for his erectile dysfunction, abstinence from sex and masturbation yada yada yada–everything but working WITH me, being honest and doing counselling.
Since the last D-day and his escalation into actually fucking strangers with a little help from viagra (sorry for the language, but calling a spade a spade) he stalled on therapy until late January/ early February. He likes his counsellor but he is NOT a CSAT. He went 6 times at the most before his counsellor said he was ready to do couples work with me, and also at that same time he stopped his individual sessions to do group work (instead, of course not in addition–MINIMAL EFFORT). As I told you, everything in the couples counselling hasnt been good and I know you all recommend me not to do it, but honestly it is the only pressure reliever. Living in the same house has been increasingly horrible and at least there is some mediation/objective person. I actually like her alot though there have been a few misteps in my opinion.
My husband has not cracked open a single book about sex addiction. He admits he has the addiction and intimacy issues, but doesnt want to be put in a a box or labelled. He claims our biggest issues are around communication. OF course they are–because an intimacy anorexic doesnt want to communicate! I say our biggest issue is his addiction and intimacy issues. He latches on to words and misinterprets them, to create arguments and distance. I am feeling HOPELESS.
I have been in such pain and he has been more callous and cruel than I can begin to describe. It is actually shocking to me, I cant beleive this is the same man I have known for 15 years. For example, do you remember the bully in the show “Christmas Story”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvijyBIgazE
I got the “what are you crying? You gonna cry now?” treatment on several occaisions when he heard me crying in another room. I also got “quit walking around here like a wounded animal” said with disgust. I wouldnt be able to treat ANY other living being like that!!!
In the last 6 weeks I have heard “I loathe you with every fiber of my being” at least 50 times. I have been snapped at, misunderstood and nit picked on every word, look or gesture.
Not to mention NO SEX for ages, even in the face of my pathetic requests….(I know, what the hell is wrong with me? I think it was wanting to reclaim something. Ugh)
Here is what I know:
1) I DO yell and get emotional after I am attacked and then he says “I dont want to talk about it”. I dont leave him alone in those situations, which he then characterizes as me not respecting his boundaries. (he doesnt own in any way the preceding accusation, or attack–which are ALWAYS unprovoked.) I also know this is unhealthy for me and I am trying to control myself–need to stop thinking I can reason with him.
2) I am not perfect.
3) I DO NOT IN ANY WAY deserve the treatment I am getting!!!!
4) This is the hard one–I KNOW I need a divorce.
It isnt just the SA, it is worse than that. It is the bitter pill that after having supported him, stood by him, had compassion for his shortcomings, that now when I am so low. That he wants to pick at and find fault with me. That I can be in obvious pain and the only emotion it triggers in him is anger.
Dont get me wrong, he has the “nice” side too. But it is getting rarer. He is getting harsher and more arrogant.
There are so many nasty things that have happened just in the last three weeks that it would be overwhelming to even try to list them. And I know maybe it makes me sound like
a victim, but truly I know I am not causing these things. They are coming from him and there is no tone of voice or set of words that I could use. He is in fight AND flight mode. behaving like a caged animal.
So I need to resolve to leave.
I have been holding out because I feel too emotionally wrecked to make a big move. I also know that if things are this nasty now, then when I finally make a move to leave I am going to have to move fast, as it will likely get uglier. (unless I can use the therapy sessions to begin to broach this and talk about an amicable agreement??).
I am also concerned about finances. I have never been much of a saver. I barely make six figures (he makes ~$180 plus), and am still paying on student loans from grad school, plus credit card debt between $10-$13k. My job feels secure, but you never know in this economy, which scares me as a woman pushing 50. I have NO insight into his finances, as we have always kept things separate. He has taken on most of the household expenses. He drained most of his savings when he went back to school for his second masters in Chinese Medicine–as he didnt work during most of that time. I pay rent on an apartment for a buddhist meditation center that up until last month was costing me about a thousand dollars a month. I shared with a few members that this isnt going to be viable for me, and they have started to assist so at this point I am only committed to $300 a month, plus utilities. I think we have between $90k- $130K equity in our house. I have roughly $150k in my 401k. I worry that with lawyers fees etc and then with a 50-50 split I might end up worse off by having to share my savings. I dont think he has more than $30k liquid right now.
I dont want to stay in Austin, but want to go to Phoenix, AZ where I have a small spiritual community and a few friends. Also the cost of living there is reasonable, and they have a major airport, and since I travel alot for work this is important.
So these are the things in my head right now….I get some stock options and espp in June (I stupidly spent the $$ I got in January). I am contemplating using that money to move at a time when he is travelling (he has a sales conference in August that will have him gone for a week) and have him served once I am gone. Another option is to try to work towards some amicable settlement in therapy–if I could get $20-$30k from him voluntarily, it might be less than I could get ultimately, but it is less risky and could give me a good start.
I dont really know what I should do. And even as I write this I still feel love and grief and a longing for him to “get it” for him to be sorry and to try to fix things….but I dont see it happening. And this is hurting me far too much.
Any comments, suggestions? Anything?I am contemplating using that money to move at a time when he is travelling and have him served once I am gone.
That’s one way, he will “get it”.
reasoning hoping and trying with these guys. is a brutal form of self torture. And you don’t sound like a victim. You are a victim. of gaslighting, blame and nasty behavior. of which, his stuff is at the root.
I am sure communication is at the root. Even with out the addiction/pd/narc behavior men and women think and communicate differently. it is a challenge for any marriage. they often don’t get us, and we don’t get them.
but from someone who is also living with a crazee right now, i agree. if they are hostile and nasty now, I don’t think one bit of difference will be had if you try to mediate anything in couples therapy. she is not an attorney. this is legal. this is money. this is the big stuff. I say do it when he is away. safely, securely.
Bonnie what is the worst that is going to happen? you could always go back. he ain’t goin’ no where. if he loathes you so much, make it easy on him. go. plus why do you want live with someone who hates you? i mean if he is spewing venom all the time, of how he hates you and how awful you are WHY IS HE NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT? HAS HE NO COURAGE?
no he does not. what man stays with a “horrible wife”. one with no balls or other options. what man stays with a wonderful wife that trys to make her feel less than valued, and make her feel like it is all her fault? a man who is manipulative and KNOWS he has a great wife. but can’t deal with his own issues. that’s our men. aint that special.
i am still working on getting out of this safely. but I understand the fear. at least he travels. you have an oppty if you want to take it.
Bonnie take your life back. stop letting him crap all over it. you matter.
Get an attorney!! I don’t care how separate accounts are Texas is a community property state. The attorney will tell you what the best ( financial) option is for you. Do not sit around waiting for him to “get it”!! He gets it, you don’t. Start making phone calls now!! Get an appt and find someone who will help you legally. Then move your cute little self to Phoenix and never look back 🙂
Dear Bonnie, I am so sorry you’re in such pain. And Sister, you know you can tell us anything. We love you. Dear, you know what you have to do. You’ve spent years trying to make this work, make this right. If it were fixable, you’d have fixed it by now. It’s time to say ENOUGH. Get the hell out of Dodge, and move to Phoenix. Girl, it’s a great city. I lived in Scottsdale for years and will likely end up there again. AZ is truly my favorite place in the world. You will flourish there, even in the desert heat. Time to pack, Sister! Love, Liza
Agree with all of you–thank you for the support. I know it is right and need to steal my resolve and make a plan.
He just called with “I love you and miss you and hang in there sweetie” I said I love you back. I feel so inauthentic and duplicitous. Its not that I dont mean it–I do, but the few crumbs of kindess arent enough to heal anything. And I know I cant trust him. His emotions are out of control and I am the scapegoat.
I am remembering how nice he was after the first rounds of discovery–how sorry. Instead of being more humble now and sorry, he has only hardened and uses demonizing me to make him feel better about himself. The longer I stayed, I didnt earn his trust or kindness, only his disdain. I need to stay strong and keep moving forward…..
I appreciate you guys so much! xoxoOMG Bonnie! What a horrifying situation you are in!!! Beyond the trauma his sex addiction causes, he is just plain old viciously emotionally abusing you.
I don’t think any amount of communication improvement is going to even begin to address what is going on with him. He needs some serious help and as you know, you can’t give it to him. All you are giving him is an outlet to vent and beat upon and take his rage out on.
I think divorce is a very serious step and I believe very strongly in the commitment one makes when they marry. Why am I saying that? Because I want to impress how MUCH I am not an advocate of divorce. And in order to get me to urge anyone to divorce is a RARE thing. If you read back through all my posts, I have not encouraged anyone to end their marriage. You already know you need to leave. And in spite of my resistance to offer that as a suggestion to anyone, I am whole heartedly suggesting it to you. Get out.
I am also practical. Come up with an exit plan and start implementing it. You are extremely intelligent and I know you can figure out a good one. My suggestion is to get all your P’s and Q’s in order and get out while he is gone. Getting him to agree to a settlement in the therapists office does not sound realistic. He doesn’t sound like a reasonable kind of guy right now.
Getting it all planned out will give you some sense of relief. I am sure that will be followed by a lot of anxiety while implementing that plan. But you will have the weight of the world off your shoulders when it’s over.
Hugs, Kim
Bonnie – ahhhhhhh…..his anger/abuse is all about his shame. My SAH was in that mode a few months ago – was full into gaslighting, blame, rage, etc. It was a horrible time. Looking back, I really wish that I would have kicked him out. I lost respect for him and I enabled him in his addiction. I didn’t value myself. In the name of being “understanding” of his sickness – I put myself in harms way.
You don’t have kids together, right? (I know that makes getting out of dodge more difficult).
Run, run, run like hell to Phoenix and before you leave, file for divorce. As others have mentioned here – you can always marry the guy again if he gets his shit together – but right now, he’s not even close to that. If anything (if you love him), then this is the best chance he will get to hitting bottom and possibly seeing the light. He may even love you but his addiction is getting in the way.
I can’t wait to see you in SF on April 30. We will toast our new lives (without abuse). We both need to have ZERO tolerance for abuse.
I would also recommend that until you leave, that when he gets into his “moods” that you walk away. Do NOT engage him. It’s a futile effort. You can’t exocise his demons on your own and nothing will get through to him. Addicts are not rational.
Now – I’m going to read everything I just wrote and apply it to myself, exercise buddy. We will get there!
Deb
OH Bonnie,
What have u let that prick do to you??!! Since he “loathes you so much” will he give you some money to leave him?? I have decided that behind EVERY partner of a SA allowing some asshole to abuse them… there is a BIG $$ concern. You are no different than me in that way. In the respect that were it me,your H would be one dead f–ker, we are very different but that doesn’t matter. He doesn’t respect you and you are allowing him to take it to higher and higher levels.What do u really think happens to abusers when they abuse and their victim allows them to get away with it? It escalates of course. Anyway…never mind all that now. The only important thing is where is a safe place for you and where are there “normal” people who will support you? The next important thing is to get there. Can you go to Dr Minwalla anytime soon, Bonnie? You need support, dear heart.
Karen xxAnother confession–this is sick. I feel like I want/need to tell all of you every nice thing he has said or done over the past month. Like I need to present him objectively. Like I am not being “fair”. But what remains true, is that, there is no kindness that makes up for his detached cruelty. Which from my recent experience can be conjured up in an instant without warning….
Karen–thank you for this bit of wisdom. “you are allowing him to take it to higher and higher levels.What do u really think happens to abusers when they abuse and their victim allows them to get away with it? It escalates of course.” So so true! I think because I “argue” and try to reason with him that Im am not just allowing the abuse, but for as long as Im here, that is EXACTLY what I am doing.
Fortunately I have no shortage of good friends who are totally supportive–but I parse out what I tell them just like I have on this site because I want to be “fair” and not paint him as a total asshole, and also because like all of my dear sisters here they would say “run for the hills”! And I have a good therapist.
Yes I have allowed it. And yes it has escalated.
Deb–looking forward to our dinner with Annie too on the 30th! Thank you for mirroring some things that were easier for me to see in you than in myself. (the wasting time worrying and wondering about him. holding out for change)
Kim–cant wait until our dinner next week. Is For-Now going to join us? I feel the same way you do about divorce, which is why I have stayed. It is very hard for me….this has been coming on and the writing is on the wall. I dont want to backslide on my resolution.
Thank you everyone. Being here, and having the chance to hear your experiences has really helped me to wake up.Pit bulls can wag their tails and look all nice before they rip out your jugular.
No offense to pitbulls. Just sayinIt sounds like you have what is a common abused woman symptom. You hear it from woman who are physically abused:
He had a bad day
He’s under a lot of stress
I provoked him.
He’s a lot nicer when he isn’t drunk
Defending him can ,in some ways, defend yourself for staying. You don’t need a defense though and neither does he. I am sure he has some good qualities however none of them outweigh the bad.
We are all here for you though to hear whatever you need to say whenever you need to say it.
Bev – you are soooo right! I love your quips and truisms. Keep them coming.
And Bonnie, love, take care of yourself and come up with a plan.
Deb
Bonnie, I’m looking forward to it to. I’m not sure if she is coming. Last I knew, yes. I need to find out from her which day is better and make the reservation.
Oh, Bonnie I am so sorry. When reading your post I found myself asking, ‘Does my h have a twin somewhere??’ And then wondering if *I* do too, because you remind me so much of myself, with the second-guessing thing, and needing to try to paint a ‘fair’ picture of your h. Except that you are displaying far more strength than I have right now.
I had written a long reply to you, and then my screen froze and I lost the whole thing. But the gist of it was that I think that you making a plan is really a healthy step. It doesn’t have to be set in stone, but just the action of thinking about it and writing it out seems to me to be really going in the right direction. After 8 months I still have no idea what the other side is going to look like, and my head is still full of cobwebs, but you’re starting to brush yours away. Your post really tore at my heart, especially when you described your h’s message and your response to it. I feel exactly the same way. This thing tears us in half like nobody’s business. What we would have accepted in the past without question, ‘I love you and miss you, sweetie,’.. now we have to take with a grain of salt and it’s disorienting as all hell. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug. xoxoH saying he loathed you struck such a chord here. My h said those words to me a few years back. In reading it here it took me back to that moment he said it and I recall thinking I could never say that to him even if it were true. Well it wasn’t then but it is now. Anyway every time I hear that word it triggers that hurtful moment when I realized what husband tells his wife that????? Mine and yours apparently.
Bonnie, I have written two book length responses and lost them, scream.
(((HUGS))) to you. Thankyou for sharing your reality. Your dynamics are a lot like ours.
Sending you wisdom and courage.
Love, Debora
When I was crying and begging in the fetal position my H said ( with a straight face ).. ” Our marriage is unhealthy.”
So, yep, I come across as a little sarcastic and cynical but I have played stupid long enough.
I mean everything I say to be helpful. It makes me physically sick to hear these stories .
Victoria is at her wit’s end and may be considering suicide.
Sharron cannot get a decent settlement from her sicko.
Deb, with the brightest smile I have ever seen, doubts herself.
Terri is fighting tooth and nail for her son’s safety.
Bonnie is stuck thinking she can make the nut case “get it”.
Deborah, who is drop dead gorgeous , cannot get her H’s attention.
Pam is being downright abused.It makes my head spin.
So, I want whatever is best for each and every one of you. But it cannot happen without truth!
Love to you all,
BevI take each and every comment here as coming from a loving supportive place, and a place of experience. You are right to be fed up with it all Bev. The truth hurts, but it will also set us free.
Thanks Debora, and everyone for your comments and support. I just told my best friend that I am finally setting a plan in motion. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on the other side.Why are we so afraid of a life without these dreadful men in it?
If it’s only money that keeps us placing ourselves the line of their abusive and degrading treatment, that’s not reason enough.
Get the hell out of these abusive relationships. Move. Divorce. or whatever. LIe through your teeth and string them along to improve your material take. I don’t care. Just stand up for yourself and get out. End this nightmare. End it. AS SOON AS YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE. THE UNIVERSE WILL VALUE IT TOO.
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