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Hope,
Your words ring very true to me. My SAH’s crap woke me up and has made me more aware of the world and focused on enjoying life. It’s made me more present. It was/is a “terrible beauty”.
To be honest, I don’t know where I would be without it. I was “asleep at the wheel”. Trudging through life. Surviving and not enjoying myself, my children and my husband. My marriage was a chore and before I knew what was really lurking beneath the surface, I made it better.
Now – having said that – I do wish that something else would have woken me up to all that life has to offer. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone – and I hope I’m not being a “happy clappy” that I sometimes see in my S-Anon groups – but I do see the good in it. And you are so right – folks who get through and are better after adversity do so by seeing the good in it. Otherwise, you can get stuck in the muck.
Last Straw – right now you are stuck in the muck. You are focused on the negative, but I have no doubt that you will claw your way out of it. I don’t think I could have done it without my wake-up call, or without those little Lexipro pills that I so fondly call my “happy pills”. Give them a shot – along with meditation time, time for you, and time to ponder and believe that there is hope for a better tomorrow.
Deb
Last straw,
It isn’t easy to let it all hang out like that for people to see. But sometimes you just have to put it all out there.How many of us have changed in people we hardly recognize because of our relationship with our SA? I don’t think they change any of us for the better. It’s not a relationship where we are allowed to grow and flourish. The only chance we have for that is to get them out of our lives- emotionally at least. Then we have a chance to find our authentic selves.
Don’t worry about posting just about yourself. You have a lot of processing to do- it’s normal to turn inward to focus on your own healing. As you figure things out for yourself, you will be better able to relate to others. And besides, I find other people’s experiences really helpful.
Deb.. ‘a terrible beauty.’ I’ve always loved that haunting poem. Like you, I feel a strange sort of appreciation lately. And ‘asleep at the wheel’ describes exactly how I was too. I don’t really understand what’s going on with me lately. Hell, I’m apologizing to turkeys and stroking pumpkins. I’ve either gone completely bonkers or the timing of finding out this SA stuff happened for a reason. xoxo
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