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SA has been at his parents now for two weeks. I still haven’t seen or talked to him but we have text’d. I took a break from it for a few days. I haven’t seen the therapist since the day I kicked him out two weeks ago. He has been 3 times so far and been to the sa group twice as well since Mar 10th. It’s not fair that we are the only ones suffering consequences from their SA. Really, the only big one he has suffered IMO has been having to tell his parents. Last year it was kicking him out. Now this year it was kicking him out AND him telling his folks. To me, that’s it!!! But my consequences have been many and I’m pissed off about it!!! It’s not even my addiction yet he hasn’t suffered like I have through this. Oh he’s suffering somewhat now I suppose wondering what the hell I’m going to decide and when for that matter. Most times I see him as nothing more than a big child which makes 4 for me who is fighting for and/or hiding his toys (meaning his SA so to speak) then other days I see a man with such great potential in overcoming his SA. Then other days I just see a selfish fucking asshole prick!!!! I’m sick of being the only one feeling consequences!! When he claims he’s embarrassed by what his SA has done to me and him I just want to scream FUCKING GET OVER IT! TRY FUCKING EMBRACING IT AND IT JUST MIGHT TAKE YOUR DUMB ASS DOWN A BETTER SERVED PATH!!!! Ughhhhh!!!!!
Dear for now,
Appropriate anger like you have is healthy. Just remember to use it for your good not his. He’s a big boy!Love, Nap
I also know exactly what you mean. No matter what we do, it is no win because the only real consequence you can impose is leaving him and often that involves more losses to you? I do think it is an inconvenience to lose their families and of course, they lose money too which really hurts. Just the same, once you leave you don’t get to see the consequences for him so yet again…it all seems abit no win for us. 🙁
sa’s suffering another consequence tonight bc I made an appt to meet with our deacon and his wife to seek some guidance on my situation since I’m Catholic. When I mentioned this the other day there was no comment about it. Tonight when I text him that I made the appt with the deacon he asked why. I text back Really?????? sa then asked what he said and his reply to that was I see. “I see” equates to “oh great, that’s two more people that know.” I fail to have any sympathy for him in that regard bc I am not letting his embarrassment keep me from seeking the help I need. No, I am not telling co workers and yes only a few family members know on each side but he can kiss my ass if he thinks his embarrassment is going to hinder me getting help after everything he has done to me!! That shit ain’t happening!!
for now, you are a very strong woman, but I know exactly how you feel, when I kicked my h a year ago, he told me that he was not sleeping anymore for sometimes I guess, maybe a one or two nights, because shortly after I discovered that he was trying again to get in contact with that woman he was having affair with, then he continued to watch porn, I never allowed him back into the house, now he is moving on, he bought a new house and he told me when I am ready to be with him again his home is open for me, wtf, sob, A-hole, he is mad to think that i will ever live with him again, as is a year later I still cannot get back my normal sleep at nights, I wake up every night at 3am and I just cannot go back to sleep, I am the one who is on antidepressant, he looks better than ever, he matter of fact flourished with all the attention that I am pouring on him even though negative attention, they just love attention, they really will never suffer any consequences you kid your self if you think he will feel bad for very long, you are the only one who will feel very bad, you are the only one who will end up on antidepressant, he will move on even if you went on CNN and told the whole world, he will manage to twist the story later on and spin it to look in his favor, that is what all SAs do, so dont wait too long for him to feel anything, those SAs are soulless and heartless men
lots of light your wayDear For Now,
The knife cuts both ways on the consequence thing. While it is a necessary and powerful tool, we suffer also. That is the sad part.
But For-now, I guarantee you, our suffering is less than their’s. They live tortured lives. Conflicted lives. A constant roller coaster of emotions and desires. Now we suffer if we stay, we suffer if we go. True. But we won’t live in conflict or addiction the rest of our lives. We are free to go. Free to rebuild. And I know I can look at myself in the mirror every day and feel GOOD about myself. Overall. I know you do too. Because we don’t even think about it. We don’t lament over horrible behavior that we ourselves have committed. We lament over what could have been, if only they would’ve got their Sh*t together.
They blew it. Yes we suffer. But we can rebuild. Where are they gonna go? That problem goes with them to the grave. Se la vie. Hasta la vista. Bon voyage. I will send you a postcard. From my new life. HA!
keep doing the right thing, For now. Keep truckin
Pam, that’s an interesting angle I’ve not considered. Him being a tortured soul perhaps for life more than likely. Definitely a consequence but not in the sense he picked the addiction. Only in the sense if he doesn’t stay true to himself and recovery.
Pam, I swear, you are the queen of the one-liners! “I will send you a postcard. From my new life. HA!” LOVES IT!!
🙂
thanks liza.
For now — not sure what you mean on that one? I think you mean being an addict is not consequence? I agree.
I think Addicts live horrible lives. Sex Addicts. Alcoholics. Horrible, damaging tortured lives. Partners have choices. And yes they are hard. But we have the power to decide. It’s not that simple for a junkie. their drug of choice has much more power of their lives then they are willing to admit. I like the driver’s seat. they are passengers to self destructive habits.
Harmony makes excellent points. Being an addict shifts so much attention onto them. They pout… it gets even MORE attention. I sometimes wonder if by “boundaries” what is really meant is setting up consequences for someone who actions have been in spite of consequences. So what good are they? Not to mention the word “consequences” makes me think of my children. And that’s part of the problem. I’ve babied him and he’s acted like a child. So why continue treating him like a child? The past 10 years have proven that it doesn’t work.
I definitely have a boundary list in my head. If he does X, I’ll do Z. But aside from knowing my plans if he were to ever pull the divorce card again… he has no idea what they are. Why does he need to know? So he can decide which actions have acceptable consequences and do them?
Pam,
I try not to see my H as a tortured soul. I’ll just feel sorry for him. I have always picked the runt of the litter.
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