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I am going to admit this here, and take the fallout. I had three days when I felt very sorry for SJ. Just after the last time he “couldn’t” pay a support payment.
This is what hit me, he’s never succeeded in keeping ANY promises in his life. Well, he finished his Associates Degree and Bachelors, but his family really nailed him to that. He quit everything he said HE wanted to do, bailed on seminary the last semester, basically tore up his first families life and any respect they could have had for him, made a madwoman out of his first wife, all his financial agreements, destroyed his career, basically abandoned his second wife and stepchildren to their own devices after traumatizing them to the point of ALL needing maintenance medications, and his second wife now thinks he’s one of the lowest life forms to crawl the planet.
And he can’t afford a house where he is, his car co is calling ME for payments (forget that) and he can’t afford his support to me and he has a daughter with extensive medical needs, and a first wife with a LOT of support garnished out of his wages. Oh, and the IRS is on his tail, now, too.
And I thought, I can send an offer to put the arrears on the end of the support payment, some way he can have done SOMETHING right. The man has absolutely nothing left he can succeed at. Do I really want to be the straw that broke the camel’s back?
Then the brain kicked in and said “WHAT THE HELL is wrong with you?” You didn’t seek this man out to kick while he was down!! He took you and your kids on the ride with a smile like it was a frigging carnival ride to Disneyland. He KNEW he was going down and he chose to take you with him. Getting off the ride and asking for a refund is not being a bitch, it’s being a mom and a person who expects to be treated with some level of respect.
I am so ashamed I felt pity for even a second. I haven’t in over a year. What happened? Glad I didn’t act on it. How did that slip through my logic and reasoning? I don’t have my therapist anymore, guess I’ll get a new one to deal with this.
Anyone else have these weird pity the loser streaks? I thought I’d just watch if for a while and see what it surfaced before I asked about it, or did anything, for heaven’s sake. Glad I sat it out.
I think I might have had a half of one but it was more of a reminisent thing not a pity one. So happy you came to your senses and didn’t call him Lynn. Hes done all these things to himself.
Lynn, don’t ever be ashamed of feeling pity for these guys. It means you have an empathic heart. And God knows they can be so damn pathetic. I think whatever happens I will probably always have this sorrow for my SA. But that pity is also what makes me grow ever more distant from being able to view him as a partner or someone to lean on when I need it, the way I used to. I figure pity beats rage anyway. Guess the key is not to get sucked in to that feeling. It’s hard sometimes. xoxo
Well, that ended quickly. On healthcare.gov for two hours, and now on the phone trying to explain to the telephone representative why none of us have health insurance at all. Yep. I’m over it. Because of a certain SA who can’t do what his court orders state, is why.
oh march….
i love it that you are loving, open, kind hearted.
and i know you will protect yourself…i can’t help it though. i have this thought, i feel like i can be straight with you – i’m so sorry.
March, you did not marry him again because of pity. You said it was a financial decision. Tell me I’m right.
march, i put up a comment that didn’t feel quite right.. i’m going to delete it. if you are curious, i can pm you..
dr e used up my pity during the 6 years of fake recovery.
Lynn, your description of SJ sounds soooo much like my dad. He had all the promise in the world- smart, handsome, charismatic. He started working with IBM, and they wanted to put him on the fast track. He quit because (if I remember the story correctly- this was before I was born) he didn’t like to wear a tie every day.
About the time I was born, he was teaching somewhere (high school?) and my mom was teaching at the community college. He decided he wanted to teach community college, and they had an anti-nepotism policy, so he basically forced my mom to quit. She started a day care, and she had just got that up and running successfully when he asked for a divorce and for her to move with my brother and me six hours away.
He was only teaching part time at the community college after the divorce, so he started selling vitamins for some pyramid scheme for a few years. That didn’t really get him anywhere. And then he got fired from the community college for sleeping with students. Since then (I was in high school), he has bounced from one woman to another- whoever will support him. He even told my brother that’s what he should do when my brother was in his very early 20s- don’t find a job, find a woman who will support you. He’s left a trail of at least 5 wives that I am aware of.
He’s contacted me once or twice over the years since I was in college. It was always about him needing something. I’ve got no pity for him, either.
Please please do not pity these guys.
They know EXACTLY what they are doing.
If things don’t work out the way they want them to, well thats just their problem.
Pornpig lives with his batshit crazy old mother out in Miserablesauga (Mississauga, ugh a horrible wasteland suburban wasteland rapidly being taken over by muslims), up to his eyeballs in debt, working at a job for half of what he used to make, and will have to pay me spousal support until either him or me croaks.
I feel a little sorry for him once in a while. I lie down until the feeling passes. It’s usually in a minute or two.
I get it Lynn. My pity recycled over the years. I did something very similar to what March did it for reasons of pity and wanting to be supportive of SA and keeping the family intact.
Now, if I would have had Minwalla……….things might have turned out differently. Instead the pity party got me the nightmare of my life. Almost killed me. Fuck that!
Lynn, he seemed lost, and he appeared to be devastated that I was dating. He was always around, no matter how much I ignored him, and offered to go to Minwalla’s workshop and sign the (brutal) prenup.
I was barely making it, paycheck to paycheck, was horrified by the dating scene and the losers I was meeting–control freaks, men who only wanted to hook up, and another sex addict. The one guy I really liked rejected me after a few awesome dates because I told him I have herpes.
So, yes, a combo of pity, financial reasons, and exhaustion.
Lola is happy.
I’m ok.
If he fucks up, I get the money.
March I’m curious…..do you believe you will be just ok forever or are you hoping in time you will feel good?
Generally, I feel good. I love my job. I’m writing again, which is huge. All of my kids seem happy.
I mean okay about being married to him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy about that. We’re able to have fun together, handle conflicts better. He’s respectful and helpful. He does a lot for my kids.
Well, I admire you for finding a way to combine resources into something that allows your entire family to function well together, March
Lynn, I have experienced it. A lot in the past, but now only what I call ‘micro-moments’ of it, that pop up once in a while and sometimes out of nowhere. I take it down as a residual lingering by-product of the abuse. To quickly snap out of it, I remind myself he hasn’t ever once felt anything remotely resembling pity or concern for me. That reality check usually does the trick.
Honestly, pity just proves we are human. We look at the wreckage and we are able to know that it is such a huge, pathetic waste of lives. Pity doesn’t mean that we will come riding to their rescue…. It just means we are not them 🙂
I’m experiencing the same thing Lynn. I feel pity a lot. I also realize that pity is what kept me in the dark to his unsavory ways for so long. I felt sorry for him about his crappy family, his tough job, etc and I knew he would never cheat on me! Ha!!
I was completely blindsided by the whole SA thing so I realize when I do pity him, I’m putting him in a non SA category. I then scroll through my memories of what he did and what he did to destroy our family and I get over it. Just means we are human 🙂
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