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My 4th Dday is coming up on October 31, nice timing right?
All of us here know what anniversaries can do to us. My h had a relapse just a few months ago, so I am still so raw. Sisters, what have you done for yourselves to be pro-active about these times? Any suggestions would be SO welcome.I was confused too.
Anyway, I think it is a good idea to make some plan in advance. Shopping ( a new purse cures everything), lunch with friends, a massage…..anything that you enjoy. Just take a few moments in the morning and acknowledge the pain of the day and then let it go and get on with doing things that are enjoyable.
I’m not affected much by anniversaries. I can’t remember the exact date I found out about the cheating… information kind of trickled in followed by an avalanche. Ironically, the BIG betrayal (found out he reconnected with his f-buddies) came on April 1. That day I always ask myself, “who’s the fool?”
Lightbulb moment! Maybe April 1 can be my big shopping day anniversary. I could go out and buy the expensive purses and shoes I usually pass up! Thanks Bev!!!
…and every time I make a purchase I’ll say “who’s the fool?”My 1st dday anniversary is coming up 11/4. I posted my plans on my own thread last week. I am reclaiming that “weekend.”
Smart to plan in advance to take care of yourself on that day.
My last one I planned to be somewhere I really love in the morning when I woke up. A place that SJ never visited, doesn’t know, and never will. I was so busy there that the day was half over before I remembered why I even planned the visit. And so good memories were reinforced, new good memories made, my life without SJ acknowledged and the anniversary put way down on the priority list. I thought it worked out well.
Hope you get some great ideas and make it a good day all about YOU.
Do something for you. Double check that you are getting the best therapy. Insist on a poly, period. Forgive yourself for caring and giving him a chance. Don’t let him back into your heart. Plan your divorce?
Ask Wren what she needs. Give it to her.
Does your SA have an unassailable sobriety plan? A solid basis and continued follow up from his therapist? Does his therapist bring you into the discussion if you wish? Do you have SAs permission for therapist sharing his progress with you? Does he have a periodic polygraph exam set up? Does he have a 24 hour plan to tell you of relapses? Will his therapist promise to tell you if he doesn’t? Does he have a therapist who monitors him, with accountability software (so you don’t have to)? Does he respect your written boundaries, and do you stick to them as well? Are you confused about it in any way? Do you have people who will help you seek clarity? Do you feel safe with what’s been set up?
I could go on with these various parameters, to have concrete accountability (which is not the same as hypervigilance). If my SA doesn’t want to do the things on my list (which should be absolutely the same things on HIS list), he doesn’t have to. But he is then telling me he is not in recovery. I struggle with the idea that I can live with someone in recovery, or choose not to live with an untreated addict. I don’t like either one, but the latter I will not tolerate.
and I agree, ask what she needs, and give it to her.
Thank you all. Beenthere, yes, yes and yes, except for the polygraph. H and I talked about Dday, and he offered that anything I need to do for myself that day, to go ahead and do it…….He said that he would welcome that day, that he no longer fears that he will have to keep secrets from me and won’t have to lie to me. I thought that was a little over the top. I know what he means, he is sincere about his recovery, I’m just confused……maybe it’s just too soon to try and put all these pieces together.
Why did he have to keep secrets and lie to you to begin with? Did someone hold a gun to his head all these years? If the damn day is so celebratory to him then why didn’t he come clean to you ages ago? You end up shattered and broken and he welcomes the day because HE is now “free”.
Tell me again why you give a shit about him. Better yet, tell me why you think he gives a shit about you.
You say you “know what he means”. I know exactly what he means. His freedom comes at the expense of your life and he is happy.
Serve him with divorce papers on DDay anniversary and then he can really stop worrying about lying to you and you can have a reason to celebrate too.
And he does NOT get to give you “permission” to do anything you want on that day. You do NOT need his permission to do anything.
After he saw what the first disclosure cost you he did it again. Nothing he says anymore matters at all. The sooner you understand the type of subhuman piece of shit you are dealing with the better off you will be. He saw your pain. He did it again anyway.
If that is love then I will pass.
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