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I’m going to copy and paste the text message from last night. I get these messages almost everyday sometimes it’s 2-3 sometimes it’s 20. The other night he was standing over me while I was sleeping , looking at my phone . When I opened my eyes and asked him what he was doing he said he wanted to make sure i was getting his messages. Yes I got them I was sleeping between night feeds with our baby. Last night I was at work here is his message.
“ I understand that I put you through years to a decade of hurt, pain, mistrust, just to name a few andI am deeply sorry for that. I just don’t know. I’m torn. I want you. Not sexually I do but not now. I need you. I need to be connected with you. Today was a horrible day for me. Everything was good at work but I just really missed you. My heart hurts that I can’t have you by my
side.”
“I was on my Facebook support page and there was talks of an app for porn addiction and sex addiction called fortify. I downloaded it and it keeps track of what you experience throughout your day. It was nice. Another way to connect with people who are hours clean from their addiction to people that have been clean for years. Anyway God I fucking miss you. You were my world , my earth, my air, my sunshine, my moonlight. Now I feel like I’m just alone in an empty tunnel trying my best to pick up what small fragmented pieces of me that I can feel for in the dark. God I need you. It hurts. Ive been preparing myself to sign divorce papers. I don’t want to, but I understand what I did to our marriage, and for that result in our divorce. I understand why but I don’t want to accept it and it so hard to accept that. I’m trying to be positive and think 3 years down the road how everything will be better but all I can feel is the pain and the finger pointing down at me saying “AS ALWAYS YOU FUCKED UP” hmmm I just really miss you, I’m doing the best that I can. I thought that not having sex for a month would be the hardest part that I would face during my recovery but I’m realizing the HARDEST part of it is not having you by my side anymore. I would do anything in this world to have you back. I would give anything to have you back I can’t go on without you not to say I would kill myself just saying that I’m not my best without you. You complete me and you fulfill me in every way there is I love you with every energy that I have flowing through my veins Baby I need you and I want you. Please consider taking me back “
Guess he didn’t like my response of basically I’ve heard it all before and I don’t see how this time is different from the other times. He was super pissed off when I got home 10 min late from work which made him 10 min late going to work. I said I’m sorry , I’ve texted him that I was sorry after he went to work for being late. No response all day. So he goes in cycles of begging and pleading, to being angry and miserable . Waiting to see which one he will come home as today.
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