Dating

Oops I didn’t edit…just put it in a box…

Beware the man who claims to want to ‘support’ you during a difficult time in your life (unless he has been a super friend for many years). My experience has been that predators will disguise the pointed stick they care with promises of help. Tempting to take them up on it but watch out. Keep your eyes wide open.

So here’s my situation,
I am now living as a single person.
I have 3 men in my age range who seem to love to spend time with me. They cook for me. Take me places. Go for walks. Talk for hours about all kinds of things. They aren’t gay. They seek me out.
BUT, none of them seems to want to pursue a romantic connection. Two of the three would be romantically interesting to me.
Question:
Is it odd that these men want to be around me so much without a romantic interest? What is going on here? I’m just really a woman with limited experience.

Diane, i was thinking all the same things as Marie…that perhaps they are just not “getting” that you consider yourself single and available. Or perhaps they’re just not making THEIR feelings apparent to you. I used to have the same issue before I got together with my husband….I had lots of guy friends but they didn’t pursue me romantically and it was very frustrating! That’s probably why I nearly fell over when my husband made it clear he wanted to be more than friends.

Re. the question of if I find it tempting to start over with someone else? Sort of. I find it tempting to walk away and wash myself clean of all the dirtiness, be single for awhile, and then start over with someone with none of these issues. But I know if we were to split up that i would need to be single for some time in order to have any hope of a healthy relationship with anyone else. I would be terrified of picking the same kind of guy with the same problem and not seeing it soon enough again.

I’m just going to throw out there that these guys know exactly that where things stand in terms of your being single and available but why take things any further when you seem happy to have things as they are. Perhaps, if you want a romantic liaison, you need to make yourself less available to these guys. Then, you’ll see who actually wants to do the work as opposed to them feeling all comfy cozy.

Thanks everyone, for interesting input.
Marian I appreciate your “clear away the clutter” approach very much. NAP, there have lots of opportunities for touching and developing the romantic connection. I think “they’re just not that into me”, but realize I’m really good company. And I think maybe I need to be more selectively available!

Diane,
One more thought. In my first marriage I was not desired by my husband, but he was a good provider. My second husband (SA) i am totally desired but does not help out or provide. After my first marriage i tried to find eveything my frist husband was not, forgetting to find again all the good things he was. So what i found was a man who was attracted to me, i was attracted to him, he is goodlooking, and he likes birthdays and holidays and was affectionate. So I left what I felt was a bad relationship to what I thought was a better one (three years after divorce) based on what I was lacking in the first one. I guess what I am saying is you want the whole big picture. You want the kitchen sink with this next man. you want it all. I figured that i could do without the income if he loved me. But a lack of income and work drive is a syptom of another issue which i know now. So i am just trying to share some of my story, in hopes that I can save you from the mistake I made. I wanted so badly to be in a relationship with someone who cared for me and loved me that I missed the big red flags, passed on things that should have been a deal breaker and really in the end I am paying for it. I hope you find the best! You deserve it!

Hi Flora, Welcome to the Sisterhood. You aren’t going insane. If you were crazy, you wouldn’t be so distressed – traumatized. The typical SA (and most of them are typical SAs) enjoys what he is doing and often tries to make you think that you are nuts – for not understanding their “needs.” He’s the one creating the insanity, not you. Please browse through this site and try to make an appointment with a good therapist, one who specializes in trauma, PTS and addiction. All of us on this site are going through, or have gone through, the same situation and it is horrible. We want to help in any way possible so just keep asking questions. I’ll bet you $1,000.00 than there will be at least one woman here that experienced the exact situation you are trying to cope with now. Take care of yourself first.

Dear Diane,

Well, I see a real bright side here. First of all, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad! I mean if you are attracted to 2 out of 3 men that want to spend time with you, WOW. That is amazing. What fun – You are doing great!
A male freind of mine told me something. He said, the fact that a man will even talk to you, and have conversation with you means one thing, there is an attraction at some level. Otherwise they just don’t bother. Prob true. Diane, I can’t imagine these men taking you places and making plans if they were not “into you” on some level. I just don’t think men open their wallets or time if they aren’t thinking of other possibilities. don’t sell yourself short! Perhaps they are as scared as you are. I think Mortified made many good points in her last post. If these freinds know some of the drama that you have been through, perhaps they are afraid to make a move. Perhaps, they need a bigger hint that you are interested too. dunno. please contintue to have fun with it. sometimes the mystery and guessing is part of the whole fun of it all – keeps life spicy and interesting, in a good way (not the SA way) .