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SA has been at his parents now for 3 days. Oddly, no tears today. We text most evenings. I told him texting is all I’m allowing as it keeps him at arms length which is my limit currently. My heart is on lock down right now and hearing his voice, sadness and regret will make me weak. I know this so I’m holding my ground. He’s absolutely DYING to talk to me. He is not a fan of texting with his big hands on that little iphone keyboard so it is challenging at times. oh well! Too bad! The texting is a form of punishment. :)SCORE!! Just kidding. To him I equated this whole mess we are in with his latest jaunt to the adult bookstore and the years spent trying to get him to get his ass some help as me watching him from a window playing in the backyard and I’m stuck inside sitting there tending to his porn addiction while he goes on playing without a care in the world. I want to go out and play with him but since his addiction has been a full time job for me, it’s like a small child who cannot be left alone in the house so I just sit at the window longingly looking out. He probably doesn’t understand what I meant in using that example but he did ask me if I felt like I did all I could to help him. I did not take that at all that he was blaming me. I think it was just a general question now that he knows he DEFINITELY did not do his part at all. I told him with the spyware on the computers, the parental blocks on the tv, the limited blocking to his iphone, the tracking device on his car, the countless mags/ads/catalogs that I threw out from the mail if there was a hint of inappropriate to it (meaning my VS and Fredericks of Hollywood mailings I used to get), my standing by him since all this began, not yelling at him when I was sex starved so yep, I think I did pretty much everything I could think of on my end. Maybe I didn’t guilt him enough, didn’t throw royal ass fits enough, wasn’t more clear on consequences, wasn’t more assertive on timelines in getting help. I’m waiting back for his response to all of the above. Oh and btw, the last 3 days I’ve been smoking in the house since the kids are gone til Sunday. SA freaking HATES smoking in our home so tough shit little kid! Go back outside and play in the yard! God, how I’ve missed being single!!!!!!!
Wow, for-now, (hey, it rhymes)
I’s sounds like you are decompressing after having the life squeezed out of you. Your head is working overtime thinking about everything. Slow down and breathe.
Maybe not so much time about him, start thinking about you, what you want, how you feel, what you need, what you deserve.
I know it’s a weird thing when you finally are apart.
hang in there,
D.Wow, for-now, (hey, it rhymes)
I’s sounds like you are decompressing after having the life squeezed out of you. Your head is working overtime thinking about everything. Slow down and breathe.
Maybe not so much time about him, start thinking about you, what you want, how you feel, what you need, what you deserve.
I know it’s a weird thing when you finally are apart.
hang in there,
D.I could relate to your post about feeling oddly calm. Ever since I signed a 6 month lease and we set up an arrangement that I will be living separately from my husband during the week and we will talk and sort bills/ household things on the weekends, I stopped crying, wanting to pound his head into the ground, and looking forward to the quiet and a break to heal. We have been at this process addiction a long time and I need him to take care of himself…a partner not someone who I have to take care of and as far as I am concerned I am tired. I know it is managed not cured and this is what makes it so difficult.. do I want to continue to this? What does better look like? How long do I wait? What can he realistically change? He has done zero work on childhood sexual abuse which has impacted our sex life and he is just starting on that in therapy. It is exhausting and porn replaced our sex life for him completely. Could relate to the sex starved part. Thanks. G
I’ve been separated for a year now and it feels good. I can do as I please and I don’t have his negative energy around me. He was and is chaos. No more chaos. No more mind games. I chose to go ‘no contact’ or he would suck me back. Hes miserable but he’s always been miserable. I’m not miserable. I’m happy to be free from ‘the chains’ of SA. I may be alone but I’m not lonely. There is a difference. I enjoy my own company which helps, I have about 5 good friends, I’m in a bunko group once per month. I work outside and in the house. I take day trips. Life is good. Im taking a year off as advised for my PTSD then I plan to either go back to work ( I used to be a pharmeceutical rep), go to law school, or start my own business. Anyway, life is adventure. I want to live it.
For me, the benefits of being away from him were way more than any benefit to remaining with him. I’m really sensitive to energetic activity, and his energy was killing me—it was oppressive, depressive, controlling all the time. It was horrible, and I didn’t know just how horrible until I got away from it.
Yes, I have to change all the lightbulbs myself, hang all the pictures, take the car through the car wash, do all the cooking and cleaning, change the kitty litter, take out the garbage, go to recycling, keep up with the laundry, pay the bills myself, get things fixed—and I had to get used to that.
But not having him around is sheer bliss. With my two kids at school, I have my little two bed townhouse all to myself. I don’t have money for big trips every year, but the first summer on my own I went to Long Beach Quilting Festival and stayed on the Queen Mary—by myself!!! 8 days!!! It was great. I don’t regret spending that money at all. I needed it. Now I give myself a treat every pay day. I never did before. I have the whole bed to myself. Sometimes I sleep in the middle—deliberately. One day off I never got out of my jammies because I didn’t have to. I enjoy DVD’s from the library any time I want. I eat what I want when I want it, and eat way less junk and only do take out a few times a year. (I’ve been here two years and just ordered Chinese for this first time–with a friend) I buy half bottles of really good wine—I don’t need it every day, and I dont’ need a full bottle. So better quality and fewer glasses. All good for my soul and my body. I can think. I can relax. I can plan. I can dream. I can talk to myself. I can sing. And I never ever have to hear his incessant love affair with himself and his dramas.
The new man I’m seeing has a little corner cubbie in my closet ONLY, no key, parks in visitor parking and has to use the guest bathroom sink. My house, my rules. Works like a charm.
Like NAP, i have found there is no substitution for living your own life.For Now – I’m so glad that you have peace. And YES – you did your part – and he did little to nothing. I’m so glad that you caught him with his hand in the cookie jar – I think that was what you needed to finally find peace.
I loved reading all of your posts here. I’m so ready for some peace – and I change the lightbulbs, pay the bills, etc. on my own anyway. These stories really push me along. Thanks.
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