Dazed’s Story sorry its a little lengthy

My SAH and I met in July 1990; all I can say was wow he was everything and more that I could have asked for. October 1991 we got married, he was truly my best friend we had so much in common and did everything together. In 1997 we adopted our 2 sons who are actually biological brothers. My life and family was complete I was so happy.

My world came crashing down in 2002, when I found out that my SAH had an affair with a consultant at work (hind-sight). After much talking, crying on both parts we decided to make our marriage work and were going to put this behind us and move forward. Now grant you once that initial trust is broken it sure is hard to build that trust again (hind-sight).

In 11/2008 we lost my father unexpected and my SAH was my rock doing and saying all the right things. Then in 1/09 we had to put our oldest son at that time he was 16 into a residential facility for behavior problems again my SAH was my rock. I started seeing a therapist for my depression and was on meds for this depression.

In 8/2009 we were getting things together one of our family vacation to our river place and was all excited that our oldest son going to be able to join us that he was granted a home visit from the residential facility, when we got a phone call from his dad that his oldest sister (mentally challenged) had a massive heart attack and had died at 52yo. My SAH took his sister’s death very hard and at least I could do is be there for him like he had been there for me.

Our oldest son came home permanently from residential in 12/09, and is doing great. Sometime in the middle of 2010 our youngest at 15yo who, took his grandfathers and his aunt deaths really hard started hanging around the wrong crowd of kids and started drinking and smoking pot not going to school or coming home for days at a time. (We were finally able to get him into a residential facility in 3/11.)

Both my SAH and I were struggling in 2010, I noticed that we were fighting and bickering more and not getting along with each other because we were under so much strain. I was feeling that we were just roommates and not husband and wife any longer we barely talked ok we talked but not like we use too. The meds that I was taking for depression really decrease my sexual desires and the few times we tried to have sex he couldn’t. I tried to initiate the romance but just got excuses, to why he didn’t want to so I stopped trying. We have not been intimate since 2/10.

One day in August of this year he had left his facebook page on, I just happened to see that he had an instant message a female friend, so I read it. WTF!!!!! He was telling her that I was asking him for a divorce blah blah and poor him what is he going to do. Then I notice he was telling her how much he loved her and her kids and that they will all live together with our sons. OK now I had to take a deep breath because I was flippin ready to explode. Now I normally I am a reactor and need to discuss it immediately. Not this time. I waited for a couple of days, started looking at the cell phone bill and notice that he had made over 3000 texts and over 1450 minutes of airtime, holy cow was the phone ever out of his hands? I checked his cell phone for text messages, hmmmm none he had erased them all, so I check his contacts for that number it belonged to a CL WTF that’s the same initials as the women he was instant messaging to.

I confronted him about the affair he denies (of course) I explain that I know he is having an affair and that I read what he said about me wanting a divorce and that he loved her and her kids and that they were all going to live together happily ever after in my fucking house (sorry about the language). He still denied having an affair said he was only talking and they were not having sex. WTF! At this point I was so pissed, I couldn’t think. I just want to hurt him as much as he hurt me.

My whole world was falling apart at the seams and there was nothing I can do to stop it. I was so overwhelmed. He was still living in our house but sleeping in our sons (who is away) bedroom. We are barely are talking to each other but he tells me that he wants to start seeing a therapist to find out why he is doing what he is doing to me. Now remember I still don’t know about his sex addiction yet. I was impressed with his initiative because for the last 2 years I have asked him to go talk to someone about everything that has happened in the last 3 years but he just kept saying no that he was dealing with it.

Still angry and hurt over this whatever relationship with CL, I told him that our oldest son and I were going to go to our place at the river. I needed time away to think what I wanted to do. After being there a few days I received an email from a women telling me that she knows that I am at the river and that my SAH is out with this woman and for me to look on facebook as the pictures are posted there. WTF! So of course I get on facebook and there they are pictures of him and this women (no doubt CL) at a BBQ one day and happy hour another day. OMG, I saw red, he used my leaving for an opportunity to get closer with this CL. I let him have it! I called him and told him that he just made the worst mistake of his life and that the life that he is very fond of is NOW over and that he must be out of the house by Tuesday 9/6/11 (the day I was coming home).

Monday he calls me begs me to give him a chance to prove to me that he ended it with CL and that he doesn’t want to lose his family and wants to make our marriage work that he will prove to me that he wants to grow old with no one but me. Still told him that he needs to be out of the house when I get home but I will think about it. Tuesday I arrive home he is there waiting for me, he said he took some clothes to his parents house but want to talk to me. I told him no I wasn’t ready to talk, he started to cry and kept saying how sorry he was for hurting me and he doesn’t know why he did it.
During the following week he was calling me everyday, checking if I need anything acting very sincere. That Saturday he asked if he could come over to talk I said ok. We talked and he told me its over with CL and to prove it he called her right in front of me and firmly told her that its over and that he is trying to make his marriage work. He asked me to change his cell number and deactivate his facebook account. He told me that he was seeing a therapist and that he made an appointment for us to see a marriage counselor. He is still living with his parents and we are seeing the counselor, and we are having date nights. Starting to really see a change in him for the good, not so irritable towards me and that he really is giving our marriage a chance.

Then all hell broke loose. He started becoming distance and irritable towards me the red flag was flying high. Told him that he needed to come over and we needed to talk, he came over 10/01 he explained that he is working things out with his therapist and he is having a hard with some stuff and didn’t want to tell me. I told him that he could tell me anything I wasn’t going to think any less of him. That’s when he told me that he was a sex addict and that he has been like this since high school. He admitted to sexing, porn, masturbation, multiple sexual encounters with different woman throughout our marriage and he even brought them into our bedroom when I was away. And he finally admitted to bringing that whore CL to our house while I was gone. All the wind was just knocked out of my lungs I just sat there unable to say or do anything. I think this might have been the first time I was speechless in my life. He asked what I was thinking and I told him the truth I DON’T know what I am thinking. I remember asking him to leave and crying all night long.

Ok now I really didn’t know too much about this illness. So I started looking up every website that came up about sex addiction. So what I read is its like the other addictions alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping all right we can get through this will just work on this together. So I let him know that I will support him through this process and we will get through this. Someone please slap me! I called my therapist to set up an appointment I need someone to talk to I couldn’t talk to my BF or my mom. I told her everything through massive waterfall of tears.

On Sunday 10/9 I get another email from this same lady, telling me that my SAH was at CL’s 30 year class reunion with her. WTF WTF WTF!!!!!! I called him right after I got that email yelling at him how could he do that to me, what happened to trying to make our marriage work. He told me that CL makes him feel good, WTF? I asked if she knew about his SA illness? He said he told her and she is ok with it. WTF? As I think about it, for any woman go into another woman’s house and sleep with her husband (and believe me my bedroom looks like I still live there) in their bed is a HO!!!!!!!!! They DESERVE each other.

My therapist called my on my anniversary 10/12 and asked me how I was doing, I told her not good at all and we talked for over an hour this is when she referred me to Married to a Sex Addict website, which lead me to all of you sisters. Thank you for reading this and appreciate any advice or comments. And again sorry it’s so long this process of writing my feelings down has been very therapeutic. Thanks Jac aka Dazed