DebinCA’s story

In Oct. 2011 I discovered that my husband of 22 years was a sex addict.

It started with his “out of the blue” request for a divorce in Feb. of 2011 (unbeknownst to me, he was in the middle of an acting out binge at the time). After picking myself off the floor, I literarily flipped cartwheels to save our marriage as he is/was the love of my life. I lost 35 pounds (not difficult to do because I couldn’t eat), became a doting, attentive wife – and turned into a sex kitten. For two months, he vacillated between wanting to work on the marriage and not (while I held onto my seat on the roller coaster)- but then a month in, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, which seemed to wake him up.

We both worked hard on our marriage with a marriage therapist and we reconnected like never before (in spite of the sex addiction lurking in the background). We have four children (within 20 months of each other) so intimacy took a back seat over the years. During the course of our reconnecting, however, unbeknownst to me, there was a rotten onion, whose layers were slowly being peeled off.

First, the day of the divorce request, he revealed that he had an “older woman friend” who was like a free therapist to him and helped him with his decision that he needed to “find his light”. After my breast cancer diagnosis a month later, he told me that he was cutting things off with her, especially since she started to stalk me at the local coffee shop and listening to my conversations. Unbeknownst to me, he talked to her in the hallway when I was getting my MRI and saw her the day before my breast cancer surgery (ouch!). Then, a month later, the next onion layer was peeled: my husband revealed the fact that he visited prostitutes for many years but had stopped because he wasn’t get a lot out of it. Then, a few months later, another onion layer….(sigh), I discovered a old Craigslist ad on his computer where he was looking for an “inquisitive older woman for adventure”, and then in Sept. (in the midst of our new marriage “honeymoon”)….. a late night text on his phone revealed yet another active affair that was in the works (again – framed as “just a friend”). Shockingly, during the course of this, our marriage therapist didn’t “connect the dots” and when I inquired what this all meant, our marriage therapist actually said that it’s common for men to go to prostitutes (sigh). It was only when I read a book about the high incidence of sex addiction among covert incest survivors (my husband is a survivor) and sex addiction (“Silently Seduced”) – that the last puzzle piece fell into place. Thank you Dr. Adams.

Besides the pain and trauma of the staggered disclosures and discoveries over the past year, I think the worst part has been the past 2 months of his denial, rationalization (“I was lonely”), minimization (“it was only 1 year of prostitutes vs. his originally disclosed 5 years), blaming (“if you had been a better wife it wouldn’t have happened”) and “gaslighting” (“you are crazy and making a mountain out of a molehill”) – all while our marriage therapist watched and facilitated. It was unbearable and despite my best efforts at detaching, it took a huge toll on me. At this point he agreed to see a CSAT, took the SDI, and lied on it (saying that he had control over his sexual impulses and that they had no effect on the family). I finally decided to leave the marriage (or take a well deserved break) right around Christmas 2011 – and lo and behold, by detaching and being prepared to exit, he started going to 12 step meetings for sex addicts once a week. He also admitted that he lied on the SDI and would retake it. He met with his sponsor who apparently told him if he didn’t have daily impulses, then he wasn’t a sex addict – so after 6 meetings he stopped going. He also went to another CSAT (a male former SA) to retake the SDI and my hubby told me that the CSAT told him that he wasn’t an SA. (which I know isn’t true). I’m just so tired of the lies! This past weekend he admitted that he likes to “spin the truth” and he’s done it his whole life – and that by telling me half truths during the disclosure process, he was trying to protect me.

Here’s how I got through the traumatic time right after the puzzle piece fell into place: I went to COSA and S-Anon meetings – got support from others in the same boat and my mantras became: “Trust yourself and your reality”, “Your feelings identify your needs” and “Love Yourself”. I read lots of books on the topic, including Carnes. (my favorite for the partner is Barbara Steffens, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”) and I made taking care of myself a priority (rather than focusing on the hurricane that swept through our house).

I realize that I experienced much trauma over the past year (in addition to the sex addiction storm, I also went through breast cancer surgery and radiation – yup – it’s a miracle I’m still standing)…. I’m living the motto: that which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

So – here’s what I’m doing to help myself get out of the haze going forward and get on with my life: In Feb. 2012, I went to a Trauma 6 day intensive workshop at the Institute of Sexual Health in LA (it was amazing – went over the 12 ways that partners of SA’s are traumatized and ways to cope with that!), I’m doing weekly trauma therapy (including EMDR), going to COSA groups a few times a week (and working on my steps with a sponsor), and setting boundaries and a safety list. My safety list (for him to stay in the house) includes a full disclosure facilitiated by a CSAT including a polygraph. I’ve come to realize that this is what will make me feel safe given the established and escalation nature of his disease over the years (his addiction began in childhood with masturbation and escalated to prostitutes and serial affairs with older women, representing his mother). Both of us need individual therapy and then once the addiction therapy and my trauma work is underway, then marriage therapy to rebuild trust and intimacy, along with 12 step programs and groups.

I’m hoping that our marriage can be saved (for our history together, and for our four children, 11 to 13 years of age) – but I know that addiction can be a difficult road, and lots of hard work will be necessary from both of us to fight this insidious disease and the after shocks. Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope that we all can heal and help our “sisters” get through this.