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I went to my women’s group therapy and bawled today when it was my turn. I cried because I am sad, lonely, mad, feeling trapped, and upset that my h never asks how I am doing or feeling. Then I am sad, because I know he has not been in treatment long enough to be able to give me anything that I need and that he probably won’t ever “get it” the way I need him to. The psychiatrist and the psychologist said I have to work on detaching from Tim. I can’t ask about his therapy and the work he is doing because having to explain it to me takes the focus off of it. It is his job. OK – fine. I am supposed to be focusing everything I do on wether or not it “feeds my higher and best good.” I don’t know how to detach. The Psychiatrist gave me a crash course and I will bring it up to my therapist tomorrow, but I would appreciate your thought and insights. Any tricks would be greatly appreciated. I then feel as if I learn to detach really well, my decision to leave or stay may be easier.
Are there any good books on detaching, or articles? This is going to be new for me although I think I have definitely had short periods of detachment from him. They really want me to work on/practice this daily and also to start keeping a journal of my thoughts. Just my brain on paper, with no clear direction. Just my raw thoughts. I did that this morning and it felt good, just not sure I want to do it every day, but if it will help, I’ll try it for a little while.
Ate out for lunch yesterday by myself and there was a song on and the line was “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Needless to say I want it for my ring tone if I can ever find it. Good night all. I refilled the Lunesta….zzzzzzzzzBefore I found SOS, I was a voyeur on some of the infidelity sites like Talking About Marriage. That was helpful for a little while but I found that no one seemed to be going through exactly what I was going through. Anyway, one of the main recommendations from the Betrayed Spouses was to detach by doing “The 180”. It was a list of actionable things you could/should be doing to detach. I’ll see if I can find it or find a link to it and post here. It’s a hard thing to do but from my experience, something just clicks and then you are detached. Not to say I’m perfectly detached all the time but most of the time I am – and have been for months – and that is the only thing that got my husband to take action. He could sense my detachment. The hardest thing with detaching is that you can’t do it to affect an outcome from him – you have to do it for you and only you.
Btw, that TAM site is how I discovered Chump Lady!
Trish I wonder if it just comes naturally when you stop worrying about recovery. By that I mean your recovery, his recovery just recovery in general. Maybe is comes when we decide to just keep on living and not worry about the future or what has happened in the past. Perhaps we just need to live in the moment. xo
Okay – gotta love Google. Some of it will make you gag (It’s not always about you!”) but I think there are a lot of helpful suggestions/reminders listed:
What is 180 and how does it work?
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new betrayed person begin these behaviors as soon as possible. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.
So here’s the list:
Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
Don’t follow her/him around the house.
Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don’t ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don’t ask for reassurances.
Don’t buy or give gifts.
Don’t schedule dates together.
Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue. No matter how much you want to!
If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? without them!
Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying!
Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.
This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.
Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the OM/OW.”
Liza we were posting at the same time. I was so excited when I saw you had posted and you didn’t disappoint me. xo
I listen to Eminem, and pretend my h’s name is “Kim”.
That works wonders.
Actually, Lose Yourself is my theme song for my life.
When I’m sure I have nothing left, it always prods me to push a little harder, because fuck him, that’s why. Whether him is my husband, doctors, insurance companies, cancer, what have you.
My life, my body, my marriage, I refuse to let someone else tell me how to do it.
I like that list – probably violate at least 3 or 4 every time we do hav contact but it definitely works to present as happy and enjoying life to get the message across – Megx
Catherine, I am worried about recovery. His, mine and ours but I see what you mean about living in the moment. That is very hard for me. I am always looking to the future, to what is next. I often love the anticipation of something more than the thing itself. Definitely something to work on.
Christine, Thanks so much for this list. I am going to print it out and read it morning, noon and night until it becomes second nature.
Liza, Lets go pitch a tent on your beach house site and you can educate me. I’ll bring the gin and the Coppertone.
Thanks ladies – this is going to be very hard for me to do, but I will try for my sanity.You and me up in the middle of the night is not a good thing I thought you filled the Lunesta or are you on a night shift? Meg:-)
LOL – I ain’t waiting til then – I am actually up for a good reason because of an event I am getting ready for – I will catch up this weekend:-) Please don’t wait until death – you have everything you need to live well without him if it comes to that – you really do I got that out of my trip to Minwalla and it has stayed somehwhere in my DNA and so feels permanent – maybe you should come with Cat and I in June??? What’s money?
I think that is a great idea. Go to the intensive, Trish. We should ALL go to the f–king intensive. 😉
As to the detaching thing… Initially, I detached in rage and that was quite effective as I had plenty of fuel. Later, I detached in a more pleasant way and that was even better. I cannot remember the last time I threw the filthiest expletives I could think of to describe the extent of my outrage that he was even breathing air. We don’t fight and we don’t really discuss what he did or who he is. I just make a point to NEVER let him think for one second that it is over or settled. Now that I know he has a much bigger fear of abandonment than I do…..it is quite easy to yank his chain with a smile on my face. So that takes care of managing and containing him, BUT it does not give you a real marriage, a real husband, a real relationship or
an authentic life. It just means you do not have to spend every waking minute of your life totally enmeshed in their issues….
It is still early days for you, Trish. Time is a great healer and it helps us gain objectivity and calms those raging emotions. The few steps your husband has taken have probably awakened your hope somewhat and hope seems to stir the emotional pot so to speak. I think you are doing great because this isn’t a sprint. It is a bloody marathon.
karen xxTrish,
It will come with time. But I agree to focus on the present.I also meditate and do visualizations from my therapist. dr. evil is a big chaotic swirling red storm. I am in where it is white and smooth and and calm. I visualize not being drawn into his storm, staying where it is peaceful.
That list annoys me because it is all about manipulation. When you truly detach, it is because you REALLY don’t care. You are no longer invested. What he does doesn’t matter. You can pretend to detach, as the list prescribes, but I found it impossible to detach genuinely as long as I cared about him and my marriage. I think I hit my bottom with this shit once I’d endured that last round of marriage counseling, set the new terms for sticking it out, and watched him quibble yet again. Click. I was suddenly done. Detached. Didn’t care. Sanity restored. Sanity. Staying with him after discovery was INSANE.
If only I could give you a hug, Trish. You have been so strong, and you are going through so many family transitions. If only I could help, I hate to hear you are struggling so
I was not able to “detach” by intent. I could act detached, but the painful whirlwind was still churning inside me. My true detachment happened sixteen months after DDay, with no action on my part. It was three months ago, when I got that bill from the psyche ward he was taken to after his suicide attempt. Proving that he could have let me know he was alive the whole time, and chose not to, to let me suffer. Sure wouldn’t wish that on anyone as a detachment method of choice. I wrote the “flatline” thread about that.
It’s hard to imagine sharing my life with someone I have so little emotional investment in. But, I am still in therapy, and maybe I’ll see the wisdom in that, living in detachment. It sure would be emotionally safer, no matter who you are with. It just feels like such a loss to me. Maybe that’s why I am looking at my fourth divorce, though. My attachments might be suspect. None of them worked, so I am willing to address that possibility.
The list disturbs me a little because it states to do it with the thought he will want you more. That does not sit will with me. If I could detach to the level of the list… it means to me that it’s over and I have moved on. If that were the case why would I care if he wanted me and why would I even consider staying.
The benefit of the list IMO is that it points out the futility of trying to express our pain, our hurt to the SA. They WILL NOT see it, they will not get it. At least not until after some solid, long term work on themselves. Begging them to get help, to see us, hear us, feel our pain will not work. So if you want to motivate them to get help, it might work to give the appearance of moving on with our lives. To look like we are happy without them. And maybe we will actually learn to BE happy without them. Kind of a fake it ’til you make it approach. Keep in mind that this list was designed for someone going through an unwanted divorce (at least that is my read) not someone dealing with SA. With that in mind, the list would work best for those of us who are trying to stay in the marriage with an SA who is in not in recovery mode. For those of us who are out of the relationship or on the way out or pretty sure we will get out as soon as possible, this list doesn’t really work.
Paulette, my comment wasn’t directed to your comment – I think we were essentially saying the same thing. 🙂
That’s exactly it, Daisy. Trish was looking for concrete things she could do to try to detach. I think there are some things on the list that she can imploy. Take what would work for you and leave the rest.
I agree, Lynn, I actually didn’t have to work through this list – something just clicked back in early December – I think the exact moment may have been when I asked him “why he acted out” and he screamed at me and said something like “it’s to escape the tedium of sitting at a desk for 40 hours a week” and he left the room. I just sat there, thinking “wow, how insulting. You have single-handidly destroyed this beautiful family b/c you don’t like your fucking job?” I knew that wasn’t the real reason but it didn’t matter – the thread that was holding me to him just snapped.
I get the feeling that Trish does not have a ‘detachment” problem, she has a grief problem. Detaching is essential at some point but grief is a biggie.
I am not suggesting that you not work on the detachment. I am suggesting that your grief is real and must be dealt with also. I think you are grieving what was, what should be, what you thought was….
It helped me tremendously to grieve the loss of my husband as I knew him. Even if it was a lie. Even if it sucked. It was real to me.
I am sorry Trish, but I believe you are grieving. And that is so perfectly normal. Go ahead and bury the H you thought you had. Go ahead and have hope ( if you want) for the “new” man that might be in your life. Bury the dead first….
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