Home discussions Mental Health Detachment or ?

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  • #8114
    finallystrong
    Participant

    Is it weird that I don’t hate my husband? I don’t know if this is healthy detachment or not? I honestly am happy that he is meeting guy friends over in Saudi and that he loves his job, etc. He keeps throwing up to me that I am not forgiving him, when my heart is just DONE and as long as he just leaves me alone and stops the tornado in my and the kid’s lives, then I am happy for him to go along his merry way. I don’t even think I care that he goes and starts a relationship with one of his fantasy girls. Has anyone else felt this way or is it just some sort of denial to numb my pain maybe?

    #106226
    daisy1962
    Member

    I feel much the same FS. I don’t hate my H. I do, however, totally hate some of the other Sister’s Hs. 🙂 I don’t know if I still love my H. I care about him. But love? Not so sure. Also like you I don’t really care what he is doing sexually or otherwise. I’m not sleeping with him so there’s no danger to me. We’ve been separated for over a year now and I’ve adapted to being on my own. I don’t know if this is complete detachment but I’m sure it isn’t denial! I think it’s pretty normal for you to be relieved that he’s occupied and happy where he is so you don’t have to mess with him and can concentrate on yourself.

    #106227
    finallystrong
    Participant

    Daisy,I think you pinned very accurately what I am feeling. I went to Divorce Care meeting with a friend at her church and everyone was going around the room about all the pain they were in and I felt like a odd-ball and like I just didn’t fit….made me question my reality again. Yuck! but trying to be honest with my real feelings. I am sure when/if true separation/divorce papers are filed, H will turn into the Monster he is, but for now, no sex/sleeping together and apart just feels soooooo peaceful and safe….AHHHHH 🙂

    #106228
    finallystrong
    Participant

    Daisy, did your husband ever turn into a Monster once the reality sunk in? that is what I am fearful of.

    #106229
    finallystrong
    Participant

    Honestly it isn’t that I don’t think I still may/could love him, but i don’t trust him and even more, don’t trust my reality and my emotions around him. i wonder when/if that changes with these guys?

    #106230
    sickoftrying
    Participant

    It sounds like true forgiveness Nell. You are no longer in the stages of grief.

    Denial
    Anger
    Bargaining
    Acceptance

    #106231
    teri
    Participant

    I don’t care what dr. evil does as long as he leaves us alone. Sometimes when this goes on long enough, you’ve done your grieving and separating or divorcing is just a relief. Sometimes, I think people bury the difficult emotions to get through the hard stuff, like living in limbo or leaving. I guess each person has to figure out where they are with that.

    I think either way, you can have emotions surface later because either they can’t stay buried forever or because something in the present triggers them.

    FS, I cannot talk to or be in the presence of dr. e. He never stops manipulating and gaslighting, and I am just not in a place that I want to be anywhere around that. Even his emails are rubbish. I have had to deal with it for 23 years now. I don’t want to waste another second in the swamp.

    #106232
    daisy1962
    Member

    FS, I’m not sure reality HAS set in for my H. Just ask Bev and Karen who both have given me a rash of shit for how easy I am on him. And they are right. I do make life very easy on him but I can because he hasn’t ever shown me the monster. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there, but it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head yet. I’m very fortunate in many ways – there is some family money so I don’t have to worry about being out on the street if things do go bad and my kids are both adults (19 and 21) so he doesn’t have custody/visitation leverage either. I think at this point he knows he needs me more than I need him so there is no bad behavior on his part (toward me anyway). A month or so ago he started to say we needed to move forward or needed to start dividing stuff up. My response was “do what you have to do.” Not what he was looking for. 🙂 I am fine on my own. I have my kids, my dogs, my therapist and all of you. He’s got nothing but a bunch of porn and some strippers. I win.

    As for when/if things change with these guys? That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I wish I had the answer.

    #106233
    daisy1962
    Member

    Teri, did you read The Sociopath Next Door? I don’t see my H in it but I sure as HELL see yours. He’s the poster boy for Sociopaths R Us. He’s like an emotional vampire – only the true death will end him (if you watch True Blood you’ll know what I’m talking about).

    #106234
    972
    Member

    HAHAHA….The ‘true death’….that made me spit coffee laughing. I think I snorted some up my nose 🙂

    #106235
    daisy1962
    Member

    I would so love to stake his ass! 😀

    #106236
    972
    Member

    I don’t hate my h anymore. I truly just do not give a shit one way or the other. I don’t know if that lasts or if it’s a phase…..

    #106237
    972
    Member

    I am not positive that a stake to the heart would kill doc e. He seems to not have a freakin’ heart.

    I would love to see him burst into flames though or explode into a goopy pile of crud 🙂

    #106238
    daisy1962
    Member

    LMAO! He would make a lovely pile of goopy crud. 🙂

    #106239
    finallystrong
    Participant

    haha..guess I need to watch that to see “true death”! I still do experience the triggers you mention Teri and his emails too are CRAZY! but at least I see it now rather than being so sucked into the swamp of words that aren’t on paper. I know that having the huge ocean between us does help my healing and “safety” and for that i am thankful. SOT, when you mention the stages of grieving, I have cycled through that MANY times—major anger and tears, but for the last at least 8 months, I am just calm and resting. Hoping it lasts but expecting when I see him it will hit me at some level again.
    It really helps to hear all your stories and seasons of this mess and realize i am not alone!

    #106240
    daisy1962
    Member

    Just a little warning – there is a TON of sexual content in True Blood. It might be triggering to some. The show is based on the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris so if the show is too much you might want to get the books at your local library.

    #106241
    finallystrong
    Participant

    Thanks for the warning…I have actually canceled my home TV and just using internet because of triggering.

    #106242
    daisy1962
    Member

    I read a lot. It’s my addiction. For years now I haven’t been able to read sex scenes in books. Actually it’s the love making scenes I can’t read. The REAL intimacy stuff. It was just too painful when I was living without it. The great thing about a book is you can just skip over those sections if you want. Presto! No triggers. 🙂

    #106243
    teri
    Participant

    I have read the Sociopath Next Door, Daisy, I was thinking about reading it again, though. And you might be interested to know that people who work with (as in put them in jail) or know sociopaths (mother diagnosed as a sociopath) and who know dr.e (for more than 20 years) tell me he is a sociopath.

    I think to be diagnosed as a sociopath, you have to have had run-ins with the law (don’t think just doing illegal stuff counts) and physically hurt people or animals (not just emotional or sexual abuse- although he did hurt me during sex, don’t know if the psychologist will count that).

    I havent’ seen “True Blood”. Is it anything like “Supernatural” (which I enjoy although it has way too much testosterone and prostitutes and orgy/threesome references).
    I think I have an idea what “True Death” might be. And he does just keep coming and coming. Every time I think “this is the final nail in the coffin”- the child molesters, the prostitutes, the spyware with more orgies, Bat telling his therapist dr. e gave him porn- every time, he comes back with a vengeance. Time for some holy water, silver bullets, garlic, and a wooden stake.

    FS- I’m going to have to go back so I can remember your real name! What a big day for you! I hope that the monster does not make an appearance, but I would start preparing, JIC. Make sure you have access to funds, account numbers, user names, passwords, etc. Get your ducks in a row now bc once they start being assholes, it gets really hard to do anything. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, I always say.

    #106244
    teri
    Participant

    I forgot- also holy oil, head shots, iron, salt, demon blood, and some Enochian sayings and symbols.

    #106245
    daisy1962
    Member

    Oh, I have absolutely no doubt at all that he is a sociopath Teri! None. You should read the book again. I haven’t finished it yet. I had to take a break and read some just for fun stuff. But in what I have read, she says that not all sociopaths are committing crimes. Some are literally right next door or in your case, right in your house. They have no conscience, no empathy, no moral triggers so they can do whatever they want with no moral consequences. From the introduction: “Imagine – if you can – not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken.” Like I said, dr. e is the poster boy of sociopaths. His pretty face should be on billboards throughout the country as a warning of the evil that walks among us.

    #106246
    teri
    Participant

    I agree with you completely, Daisy. But from what I understand, the Hare Psychopathy test would require those things.

    It’s kind of like us not “really” having PTSD bc we didn’t experience something life-threatening.

    #106247
    kmf
    Member

    That was my understanding too. That the vast majority of sociopaths never do anything illegal. That most of them commit their crimes in the interpersonal arena. Don’t we know that well.

    #106248
    lisak
    Participant

    FS, you sound so healthy!!! and i agree with (Daisy?), i think it sounds like forgiveness. he no longer has the power to hurt you and you wish him well. amazing. 🙂

    #106249
    finallystrong
    Participant

    Thanks Lisa. I think you are right. I know things will get testy soon, so I am holding on to and celebrating my peace as I can in this moment. I am afraid rough ride ahead! One day at a time!

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