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I posted this question and it went to the clouds because I’m still learning to navigate this site 🙂
My question to all who has have/had relationships with this type of man, did he seem like a really nice guy? My bf (deceased) seemed very kind and considerate. From what I’ve been told, he used to treat people even if they couldn’t afford to pay him (he was in the med. field). That’s the side of him I knew and loved.
But I’m hearing stories that this guy was physically and verbally abusive to both his ex-wives. He cheated on them (of course) with a string of women. I’m just trying to reconcile in my head who really was? I was told by friends that I was “played” and “conned.”
I’m out of state for work and do not access to my therapist, but you gals may have better answers since you’re in or were in a relationship with this type of guy. Thank you!
Mine was passive aggressive. His cruelty was to do things like repeat what I had just said under his breath in a strange and insulting voice. He would roll his eyes regularly, not answer me when I asked him something, keep me waiting. At one point he would hold a small cushion to the side of head so he didn’t have to catch sight of me—apparently I’m just that hideous. He wouldn’t participate fully in family activities because they were beneath him. He was just doing us favour by showing up.
Fucking prick.Everyone, including my family thinks my H is the nicest guy, super fun, hard-working, just wonderful. No one sees the sick side that I do. He always makes comments/jokes in front of me where he puts me down or tries to embarrass me. He actually just did this last weekend. When I confronted him, he says it was a joke and meant to be funny. He doesn’t think it’s disrespectful at all..I even asked him if he honestly knows why I was pissed and why I think it’s disrespectful (he apologized before I asked, but of course it was just to shut me up) he takes a few seconds and with a grin says, no he doesn’t. Asshole.
Next time he does this, I think I might “joke” back and comment on how he likes to dress up in my clothes when he is home alone…ha, wonder if he will think that’s funny.Way to go Kate 🙂
Yes, everyone LOVES my H. He is perfect, and if you don`t believe me, just ask him. He is pitiful and afraid right now… But, I am pretty sure that won`t last.
Kate I think you should. Not completely disclosing, just dropping little things, like “that dress is your colour dear” or “we could both wear that”
Mine was Dr. Jeckle, Mr. Hyde, and Sybill all rolled into one. His personality could change on a dime. He was very passive aggressive too which drove me nuts. He never complemted me on ANYTHING and when he could would throw in a personal insult and call it a ‘joke’. Basically, he was just really weird and so glad I don’t have to live with him anymore. I don’t think he knows who he really is bit I do and I don’t like him, at all.
PS plus he had a really bad core rage problem.
Mine is very nice to the rest of the world but was passive aggressive and finally just aggressive to me. I guess I got Mr. Hyde. Every once in awhile, he would lose it at work. Once he threw a chair and another time he yelled at one of his employees.
Really he had a triple life- his doctor/boyscout life, his asshole at home with me and the kids life, and his SA life.
Diane, you made me laugh out loud. Thanks!
And my SAH is so flat affect that you wouldn’t know he is two or three or five of anything. Of course he’s a highly sought after church volunteer, boy scout leader, industry expert, etc. etc. etc. The man EVERYONE COUNTS on, never lets anyone down and has a “servant’s heart” according to church pastor.
But man he gets thrashing about angry if you try to “corner” him. Meaning, ask him why his beautiful stories all have loose ends that can’t possibly tie up. Why the thing he explained today is just a different version of the thing he said yesterday, with a few more details, and a couple transposed facts. Just enough to call at lunch to say “I went to lunch with x, at x, because we had to discuss X” and then when telling the same thing over dinner “At lunch y, said x about x”. If you ask what x said about it, the response is, “Oh no, x wasn’t there. Just y and z. You must have misunderstood.” Gaslighting. Sometimes it even feels like he’s doing this to see if you will catch the errors. But if you point it out, SAH becomes the hulk without the bod, or hair.
So much more so about the dribbled SA things. If it weren’t for the counseling and groups, I’d say. “You know what, it’s just not worth the drama to get a 1/3 piece of the picture. Just shut up.”
A negative post. Yep. Mad and scared today, not a nice lady. Sure you sisters understand.
my STBXH is very nice to everyone. he used to be nice to me, then i got pregnant, since then he treated me with contempt.
fast forward 10 years – since discovery (and since i lost 25 lbs) he’s suddenly nice to me.
terrible terribly cruel temper. people are shocked at that. if they only knew!
My husband had me convinced for awhile that I was Dr. Jekell and Mr Hyde. It was always me and why was I been so irrational.
UGH! I think it will take me years to sort out who the hell I am. I went and bought all new bedding for my new house. I realized how controlling he was about our house and thought to myself, “Peter would hate a purple bedspread.”
And guess what? I got myself a purple bedspread today. BAM! I just want him out of my head.
Yes. All think he’s the greatest guy in the world. He used to be a complete asshole to me and then mr perfect to everyone else. Now that he’s ‘healthy’ he’s more genuinely nice but he has no ability to feel. Intellectualizes everything. He admits he’s a robot about most things and is trying to get In touch emotionally, I just don’t have another 40 years to give
Say a prayer my car accident settlement allows me to payoff all my debt, and have a nice down payment for a house nearby……Thank you all for your answers, it’s been very hard for me getting over his death and I’ll admit I still cry about it everyday. A part of me wants to think that had he lived I could have help him change, but I know from reading about your experiences on this site, that it wasn’t going to happen.
I heartaches for the man I thought he was, but hardens when I think of the person he was. I spoke to his ex-wife a few weeks after the funeral and she told me that he just couldn’t help himself, it was nothing personal against anyone he was with. She also told me that I was lucky to only have been with him for 7 mos, because eventually he would have “broken my spirit.”
Tothestars,
I think his ex-wife gave you some wise words. It still hurts because we love and miss who we thought they were. It’s not easy, it tough…
Love, Nap
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