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Quick question: When I kicked SAH out Wednesday night, it was for a temporary time… he was to come back on Tuesday, after our anniversary on Monday.
I do not want him back. But… I did say he could come back then. And that will be the only way I can save money from his paycheck… since if I kick him out for real and he has to find a place, then all of that money will be going to fund his new place, not my getaway.
Ugh. I guess I’m answering my own question. I don’t think I really have a choice if I want to keep saving money. And I feel it’s important to keep my word to my daughter that he is coming back on Tuesday.
But, I just thought I’d ask if anyone might have a super compelling reason to keep him out, now that I have him out. 🙂
Some legal precedent. Some something. More than “I just want him gone!” LOL
Oh, march, I wish I could!! We don’t have a real garage–it’s just a shed and I wouldn’t even let my dog sleep in there.
And, yes, I would treat my dog better than my SAH, but for my daughter. I won’t do that in front of her. She deserves better and so I will suck it up. For her.
And she and I talked today, and she wants him home. Not that she knows everything, because she doesn’t and most likely will never know everything. But because it is Christmas. Because it is possible that he will be canned in January and I need every penny I can scrape together between then and now.
So I will let him come home Tuesday. He may sleep in her bed and she will sleep with me, as we’ve done the past few weeks since I first confronted him about the lying. Or he can sleep on the couch in the sunroom with the dog. I don’t care. I am NOT making space for him in my office. He may not sleep in my bed. And if my DD wants her bed back, then that’s his only resort. I’m DONE with making his problems mine. And I’ll be damned if I make his problems hers.
Ready,
Once they come back it’s hard to get them out again. And there’s always the possibility they will throw you out. ( I know that one first hand). My vote would be to keep him out. This is my opinion based on 25 yrs of this BS.
Love, NapOh, gawd, Nap….
Now that I thought I had run through all the scenarios, this strikes terror in my heart. Please tell me, how did he throw you out? And are you okay?
I’m sorry if I’ve missed this somewhere, as my popping in and out of here is quite random when I have both the time and the fortitude to deal with this SA crapola.
And remember, it is my plan to NOT live in this house forever, since I simply cannot imagine being here without him. I’d hate living here. And, I plan to move far, far away. Like Europe. 🙂 But I don’t want to be thrown out either. I want to leave on my terms. And I don’t care if when I leave, he’s left holding the unsellable house (in this market anyway) and has to make payments on it and upkeep while I’m away. 🙂
But I do need to prepare myself and make sure I know all of the potential pitfalls, so thank you for offering that info.
Love,
Paula
Here are the only choices I can think of that you have and the possible ramifications to consider.
1. Don’t let him come back. I personally wouldn’t suggest this of you are not 100% positive you want a divorce. Now. Give up the idea of having more money saved. However, be advised that legally (as far as I’ve been told by a lawyer), you cannot for him to stay out. If he wants back in, he has the legal right ro stay there whether you like it or not. You will need a court order to force him out if he is not willing. You’d also need a court order to receive a single dime from him other than willingly if he were to move to an individual instead of joint account. That includes child support. I can’t speak for every state but the two I have experience with won’t order him to pay anything but child support. Such as money towards the mortgage, etc. Also, if the utilities are in his name, he can shut them off So if you don’t let him back in, you should think of worst case scenario.
2. Let him back in. I think the worst thing that can happen here is you will need a court order to get him out again if he doesn’t want to go. I hear ya though. When my ex left, wild horses couldn’t make me let him back in. I couldn’t believe he was gone and I wanted to keep it that way. As for him kicking you out, I don’t understand how legally he can. He’d need a court order as well to do so. You just dig your heels in and refuse to leave.
If you don’t mind me asking, why might he lose his job in January?
Have you ever seen the movie War of the Roses? If not, I suggest renting it. It’s a really good movie. But it also gives you an exaggerated insight into what happens when someone takes a stand and refuses to leave.
Thanks, Kim. Those are some great points.
I think he is stealing from his job. I have no proof of this, as pointed out by the attorney I consulted with, all I have are what might amount to bits of evidence. And, of course, as she also pointed out, I cannot go to his boss and ask if he suspects SAH of stealing, because then I would be interfering in his ability to make a living so then I wouldn’t get any potential spousal support. (yes, doing the right thing would get me penalized!)
And being that he is in retail, this is their busiest time of year, so even if his boss suspects something, he wouldn’t do anything except keep a closer eye on SAH because he needs his sales ability right now… and doesn’t need the bad press that would come from firing him. Small town politics. Of course, there is the possibility that SAH isn’t stealing. Ummm, I don’t believe that. And then there’s the possibility that his boss doesn’t know. I’d come closer to believing that. But I do hate to think he’s stupid and is getting abused like I was.
I don’t want him back in. I don’t see how I can keep him out. He didn’t want to leave. He wants all of this to go back to “normal”… but doesn’t seem to get it that his normal is everyone else’s fucked up.
I have seen that movie, but it’s been a long time. I will definitely check it out! Thanks for the suggestion and all of your advice.
Honey, I wouldn’t let him back in because he is sick and who knows where it ends? Who knows what he might actually be doing to DD when you aren’t around, or what he might leave laying around.
He probably IS stealing and his boss might be onto him. What happens if he gets fired? How can you support yourself? Can you go to career counseling to find out what you might be able to do?
Also, I believe that without him there, you might be able to think more clearly. I see that you asked the question and usually when people ask a question like this, they already know the answer but there’s one or more obstacles.
Yours is money. And honey, I’m with you… we NEED the money, that he would be spending on rent in some rat hole somewhere… but ya know what?
In the scheme of things, what’s a few thousand dollars? Is it worth losing your mind over? Is it worth the constant feeling of pain and worry over what he might be doing?
out of sight is out of mind.
So, if you’re sure that you want out, I would keep him OUT.
If he asks why… then, you can tell him that you don’t feel safe in his presence or whatever you feel like, I guess.
But you’ll probably let him back in… I know its tough, but I also know that its tough living with them.
xo
Gee. A SA and a their. Multi talented!
I wanted to add that a huge consideration is what kind of atmosphere your daughter will be in. Do the two of you “fight nice”? I think one thing that is worse then your parents divorcing is having to watch them interact with each other when they are in a unhealthy relationship. I know a lot of people may disagree but I do think it’s possible for two people in a falling apart marriage to live together (for a short time) without creating an awful environment for their child. Depends how the two interact. I’ve seen couples who both partners are pretty passive people so their is no drama surrounding them. I don’t think anyone can do it long term though. The “staying married for the sake of the kids” concept isn’t doing the child any favors. Reacting instead of rational action doesn’t do well either.
In the end, as Lexie said, internally you already know what the right thing for you is. And you’re the one who has to live with that decision.
Hi Ready,
Yes, mine basically threw me out, changed the locks right in front of me. I lived in a hotel for 5 months before moving to the home I now have. Mine is ruthless. I didn’t even have a suitcase. I have a great attny and she’s done an excellent job. Make sure you get the best one in town.
Love, NapThanks all. I’m running out the door to pick up DD from school so I don’t have time to even think of a real answer. I haven’t given him a real answer about tomorrow. I did tell my DD that I would let him come back. Sigh.
I know that it’s a temporary solution and that I do plan on leaving at some point.
I do have the best attorney in town. Have actually considered making appointments with some of the better attorneys in neighboring towns just to keep him from being able to use them. More money is the issue.
I have to say that being kicked out with my DD would probably be the best thing he could do to me as far as a divorce in SC since that’s just not a gentlemanly thing to do!
We don’t fight at all in front of DD. I refuse to do that and mess with her head. Not fair to her at all.
Okay, I’ll be back… much later after dance and dinner. (with her, of course!)
Ahhhh, the waning hours of my anniversary….spending it alone…. certainly not the way I expected it to be going when I married him 15 years ago.
But I have done a lot of thinking over the last few days and am more determined than ever to get the heck outta Dodge. I have so many good things going on in my life. My daughter is the biggest one, but my health, my mom’s health, my friends IRL and on the computer 🙂 and I am grateful for the ability to take what I’ve learned and experienced and make it into the driving force that will inspire me to be a better role model for my daughter.
I’m not one to have regrets. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and feel strongly that each one of them shaped me into the person I am today. So wishing all of this away would be contrary to that belief system. And while I’m not happy any of this happened, I’m so glad that I found out when I did… and not way farther off in the future. I’m young (enough!) to start over again. I have many interests and abilities and am going to find ways to be more productive and giving. I’m going to pursue more of my choices in life and am going to make more of my favorite things happen, instead of waiting for them to happen.
And I’m going to pretend I’m the spider, welcoming the fly. I will be letting him come back to the house tomorrow, not because he wants to, but because my daughter wants him to. And because it suits my needs. I will continue to save money, stock pile whatever needs I can anticipate for the future, and stab him with whatever sharp words I choose to use whenever my daughter’s not around. I will be planning my getaway while I plan his demise. But he won’t know it. He’ll be too wrapped up in his fantasy life that he won’t know what’s going on until it’s too late. And then I’ll laugh all the way out the door.
And if he doesn’t notice? That’s okay too, because living well is the best revenge…. and I plan on living very well indeed. On his money. With his child. Far, far away from his wretchedness.
And that, my friends, is what I (along with a very large glass of riesling) came up with tonight. Happy anniversary to me… and hopefully I can celebrate every November 28 the same way… without him!!
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