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For once I’m going to post something that won’t be a novella! 😉
D plans on disclosing to our two boys within the next few weeks. R is in college and is 20 and P is in high school and is 18. D decided on his own that it’s time to let them know exactly what’s going on, especially since Valerie is now escalating her stalking and mentioning R.
Has anyone gone through this already? How did it go? Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Hugs and love,
SSMy kids (25,23,21,18,15) were told a few months ago by my h. His csat told him to talk to them and he had to use the words sex addict. They listened and hugged and some made sense, but they had a lot of questions for me. the subject was creepy to say the least. They knew he had cheated on me once because he told them he was leaving me for her. They were shocked to learn there was more, but that explained all the talking behind closed doors.
Now, they are kind to him. They are really supportive of me.
But there is a distance between him and the kids now. I am glad he owned up to it, and I feel relief. I wish with the younger two he would have used the words “intimacy disorder” instead of sex addict, but ultimately my kids all talk to each other so it’s all the same.
~funny now that I think of it, he never talked to the 23 and 18 year old. He wanted to wait til after the wedding. Haha. well they really do talk to each other! lordy my life in a nut shell!I am so glad your children were supportive to you hadj608!
Mine have not really been that supportive…forgive and forget no matter what is currently going on! My son was more upset with me when I swore a day after he found out about my h. I swore 2 times in front of my son his entire life and the day after D-day I thought my h was being so mean to him, so I said the F-bomb to protect my son…that was far more upsetting than his father’s lying, deceit, sexual immorality, and hypocrisy. Ditto on the nut shell life!
SS, I can only hope you are supported by your children. Betrayal from h after 20 years and then the kids…it could kill any dedicated wife and mother! God help us!
I’m hoping they will be supportive. I think they know that if I’m going to stand by his side then there must be good reason. How did they do the actual disclosure?
Hope I can do this but I’m bumping my own post…I’m hoping that others can chime in about their husbands disclosure to the kids…I want it to go as smoothly as possible.
Love,
SShi ss, we told our kids ( then ages 15, 17, 20, and 22).
My therapist said we needed to do so in person if possible and have both of us there and let him do the talking unless there was a question directed at me about me. She said to stick to the generalities ” sex addiction including pornography and affairs” and if they had any specific questions, he should let them know that they should feel free to ask. My h said it is the hardest thing he has ever done, in his step one that was his ” hitting rock bottom.” I should add that he definitely didn’t want to do it, but I told him it was happening and I would do it alone if he didn’t participate ( I had read about the effects on our children, even if they never were told and decided this horrible stuff was not going to happen in my kids and another generation if I could do anything about it). Anyway, the kids were really angry, but SO relieved to know the truth. I feel like my family started to get well that day.With the secrets gone, I could almost see the sickness leaving. It’s been almost 2 years and his relationship with all of them was pretty rocky for 6 months, but he has worked hard and been consistent and his relationship is,to use a cliche, now better than
anything he had with them before, and it’s really good. They talk emotions, curfews, truth, and they talk frequently, and none of that happened before. My role was to remember that his relationship with them is his issue, not mine. I didn’t try to make it better or smooth things over. I didn’t act as an intermediary. I did do a lot of listening. My other role was to understand that whatever their reactions, emotions, behavior, that’s what it was, it was theirs, and it was okay. And that included any frustration, negativity, disappointment that came my way…. And I got some…. More in a protective way, but some, nonetheless.
And it was okay. They didn’t ask for any of this:(, so whatever they need, starting with the truth, is what I was and am willing to do.
MarieMy husband sat down in the family room and told them about being sexually immoral (not with physical person). He left out much that I did not realize was important…lying, deceit, emotional abuse, spiritual twisting scriptures, emotional neglect, financial loss at all the counselors-workshops-books I spent on our marriage of lies for 20 years…but I don’t know how much he should have disclosed. I would recommend talking with a CSAT about it or at least googling it, which you probably already did.
I would have support available for them immediately…
I would start family counseling immediately, like next day, if you have a trusted counselor who will NOT minimize at all!!!!!
If you are Christians, pray, pray, pray, for this disclosure…for God to prepare the children’s hearts…
Just think about yourself at their age and ask yourself how you would want it done.
My h chopped up all the pieces of his disclosure and it killed me…I would consider letting the major things out if you feel good with that. When my husband would say, “Oh, I have something to tell you…” I would going into PTS!!!! Then he would say some innocent comment…or he would say “Honey,” and I would tense up, and he would say, “Pass the fries please.” That still happens after over 2 years sometimes. Tell them if there is anymore to disclose, we will always gather together for a family meeting, not just here and there as you pass in the hall or are eating dinner. Reassure them so they aren’t retraumatized all the time.
I will keep thinking! When is the disclosure???
Love you SS, B. Trayed
Hi there,
I also have two boys, S-S. Mine are now 24 and 21. After my d-day Sept 10, 2009, they were back at school (one three hours away). We waited until Christmas break to tell them we were in trouble and going to live apart for a while. They were sad but supportive and affirming. Then when our hope for reconciliation blew up because my SA sabotaged our full disclosure plans in August 2010, I insisted that we tell them about the addiction in the next Christmas break. So after planning that event jointly and agreeing to use the right and specific language for the addiction, but to avoid the detailed narrative of his various activities and stick to what I knew—he instead made a detailed disclosure to them in my presence and I had never heard 80% of it before. I was traumatized right then and there, and he was very pleased with himself over all. He went back to his childhood, the years before we married, the things he did while married—almost all of which I didn’t know. It was devastating. Had I known I would have insisted we do it my therapists office so that the boys would have support if they needed it, as would I. All I could do was check in with them and offer to get them to a counsellor immediately if needed. I went the next day to mine. They seemed to roll with it. I asked my eldest this summer if he already knew about his father’s interests, and he said he and his brother had known for several years about their dad’s porn habits. They had felt bad for me.The fall out is what you might expect. My SA has created a victim posture (his mother was emotionally abusive as emotionally incestuous) and the sons have an active relationship with him, which seems to be forgiving and supportive. They treat me as the parent who doesn’t need support because I’m the “strong one”. I’ve had to be very specific about clear about when they ignore me, or take me for granted, or are rude. They don’t like to talk to me about any of it. They do apologize when I call them to account.
I warned them in the summer that I would be dating. And now that I have someone more serious than casual dating in my life, I have told them that as well. It is met with stony silence.
My sons love me, I know. But it is what it is. The SA parent often receives the preferential care, and I am becoming more proactive in naming what happened to me in this relationship with their father. NOt as blame, but as this is what I’ve overcome and what you need to know as a pattern to avoid.
Overall, it just stinks.
DianeSS,
This has not been done yet in our house, but it eats away at me. I’m not sure my SA is far enough along in his “real” recovery to have it happen yet. My own therapist doesn’t think it’s something we should tell, but she’s not a CSAT. Neither is my husband’s. I don’t want to damage my kids any more than they have been by whatever emotional undercurrents they’ve witnessed, but I also am terrified to navigate these waters without the proper professional support. So that’s where I am right now…Marie, so glad the disclosure happened and your family is being restored.
So sad Diane. What an injustice. Pathetic really. Glad you are able to handle what they have dealt you. Hugs.
Hi b.t.,
I think what diane’s h did with his sons was true disclosure, that probably wasn’t appropriate for his sons, unless they specifically asked, but would have beenvery appropriate for Diane to hear as the spouse if they were still working on the marriage and she wanted to know. I don’t think of what my husband told the kids as disclosure, he did what I call a “big picture” talk, not the details. There were some questions that came up for a while afterwards, and we answered them honestly.for example, “how many hours a day did dad look at porn?” my response: ask your dad, honey . The point is their are a lot of things our kids don’t need to know specifically unless they want to. For example, if a father told his mostly grown children that he was a sex addict and had seen prostitutes, do they need to know how often, or where, or how old he was when it started or how much money was spent per week? Probably not, but if they ask, I think they deserve the truth.
A spouse’s need for disclosure is different than our children’s need for the truth, that they require to successfully navigate their own lives. I was very aware that my purpose in requiring the truth for my own children was for healing, the purpose wasn’t retribution, or revenge, or punishment, or any intent to diminish the relationship they had with their dad, or to get them on “my side” I had to think hard about those issues and whether or not I was far enough along in my own thought processes to be able to do this for the right reasons.
MarieIt is important to consider that the children already know some of “the truth”, as mine did. Just because we don’t know, don’t assume they don’t. JoAnn warned me about this, and it turned out to be the case.
Again, had I known that he was going to do something other than we agreed, I would have prepared differently for us. But it’s important to hear that the SA will almost always do what works best for them. They can remain manipulative and narcissistic even at this juncture, when the well-being of their children is at state. I suspect it has to do with how long they have been devotees of their addiction. If it has been long term, they cannot be trusted to do what’s right for children. YOU will have to be on top of it.
I have discussed this event several times since with him, and he just says “I’m sorry you feel that way” (because it worked really well for him—he got to punish me and gain his sons sympathy).
sigh. no new material, I’m afraid. These guys are pretty predictable.
My h told his daughter (he has a daughter and son from previous marriage and I have one son from previous marriage). He went to her place (she’s 26 and lives alone), called ahead of time and told her that they need to talk. He SAYS he told her that he was a sex addict. I can’t possibly know exactly what he told her as I was not invited. But it’s his daughter and only my step-daughter. (We’ve only been married 5 years so I’m not real close to the kids). Likely he told her about him being sexually abused as a child (a story I still question) and his lack of nuturing growing up without a father and a mother who was rarely there. It’s typical sex addict to talk, even if his intentions were good, that he wanted to start her off by hopefully getting her to feel sorry for him first and then discussing the porn and all that later. That’s exactly what he did with me after he got caught. The first words out of his mouth were “I was sexually abused as a child”. His doctor at the intensive told me that he was definitely looking for pity right off the bat. Hoping that would help to overlook the other behaviors or lessen the blow somewhat.
He still hasn’t told his son or my son and the reason for that is because they both had their first babies this year and we didn’t want to take away from such a wonderful event. Although, I did discuss it with him just the other night and he agreed that the conversation with the boys has to happen soon.
We shall see. I won’t give up, I will continue to badger him until he does it! Because I AM A BITCH! (When it comes to my SAH!)
That’s what happened with us, sure hope it helps.
Claire
I have nothing to offer on this post, I’m sorry. First of all, after D day, no 2nd chances were offered to SA. Also, although we have been married 17 years, no children together. SA has none (thank GOD) and I just have Sam, who is 23 and has been with me every step of the way since D day.. in fact, he installed the key logger for me!
So, it makes a big difference-
1) I’m not Staying
2) SA and I have no children together
3) My only child is an adult
4) My only child has been “on to” SA since he was 6 years old!
(Sigh…..)5) There is no love lost between Sam and SA, especially NOW. If SA even TRIED to explain to Sam what he “is”, I do believe my mild mannered son would probably spit in his face. Too much heartache, too many bad years, too much deceit in our household….
Good luck to you though! I honestly have NO CLUE how I would handle it, if I had to!! At least the boys are older… That should help!!!
Hi SS,
Your children are on the older side thankfully it makes it a bit easier. The genralaity comment is good. They do not need absolute specifics, but i think they do need to know what the addiction is and how it has manifested in the relationships and what he is doing to get better. I have heard its best to do it when both parents are there and in a therapists office in case support is needed. I have also heard its best to ask a therapist about what and how to disclose to the children.I explained it fairly simple. I ised the words porn addiction. And explained anything done in excess (shopping, gambling, drugs, drinking etc). can lead to addiction. I explained that the h was going to therapy and to 12 step and was trying to get better. be forwarned that they will be creaped out by it AND IT IS WEIRD. I did not do anything to inhibit anger of fristrations towards him….that is his doing and they deserve what is coming.
I hope this helps!!!
Love, FloraP.S. my kids were 13 and 15 at the time. Nothing was said to the 3 year old.
Hi SL,
Excellent points, as usual, girl! And don’t sell yourself short about not having any clue….the rest of us would do well to learn from your example.:)As regards staying in the relationship, I know that even if my h and i were divorcing I would have still told our kids. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not WE were together as a couple, the point was that our kids needed the truth from us because even if we aren’t together, he’s always going to be their Dad and they will always have a relationship with him and there are so many things about life with a sex addict that affects all of our lives even when we don’t know what it is or what to call it.
2) I think the point about no children together is excellent, unless the children think of him as a Dad or even if his kids think of us ( spouse) as a Mom and then it’s still back to the life they lived with their “parents”
3)Ah, our children being adult age….I think those are exactly the ones who need that info the most as they figure out who they are and how they relate to the opposite sex and start their own lives with a partner. I would be devastated if my children were sex addicts or married and had lives with sex addicts, and the literature indicates a much higher percentage of that happening in families where the children grew up with sex addiction present in the household, even if they never knew about it and thought everything was “normal”.
4) as regards your son being “onto” him….look at it this way SL, you have always told your son the truth! You don’t need to disclose to your child in one emotion filled, heart to heart session…. because you already did, regularly, routinely, all the time. Your son knew his whole childhood that the way your ex treated you wasn’t okay, your son knew that they way your ex behaved was not okay or respectable. Your son knows now why you are getting out. HE KNOWS,SL. He isn’t wondering whether or not that’s how husband’s treat their wives because that’s what he saw, he isn’t wondering whether it’s okay for married men to date because that’s what he saw, he isn’t wondering why you are divorcing him. He knows and you did that as a mother, SL. If that’s you having no clue, sign me up for that:) I didn’t do nearly as well with mine. I had to sit down in one emotional, heart to heart, shocking session and get the truth out. I had to catch up with you, SL. That’s really what we’re all trying to do now:)
Love you,
MarieThank you everyone and a special thank you to b.trayed for doing a special “shout out” for me. It brought me to tears and reminded me just how special each and every one of you truly are.
I just read this and have so many thoughts running through my head I just need to get them out there, so please bear with me….
Marie-I agree, in this case, less is more but I feel they need to know he surfed porn and cheated, the details are irrelevant unless they ask. I also agree, I think this will be the hardest thing for him to do. Telling me was difficult enough but he was still in that addict mode of thinking and somehow I think that mentality allowed him to detach a bit from me. Now, with the boys, he doesn’t have that luxury anymore. Plus, to add to it, he’s been their role model for the last seven years. They looked up to his military career and both chose to follow in his footsteps and he scared to death that they will lose all respect for him. Since he’s been sober, his communication with them both has improved drastically and I’m hoping that this will help.
You bring up another great point and that’s my role. Not to be an intermediary. Not to defend or explain. Let D take the reigns AND the responsibility for his actions. That part is going to be hard, to to jump in and try to make it easy on everyone and make it an easier discussion. It’s not going to be easy at all. But, I like how you handled it. I admire it.
bt-D’s disclosure week just about killed me and I ended up causing myself further pain and PTSD by asking for to many details. I pray for our family every night. I have another appointment with my CSAT coming up and so does he so between the two of us we’ll get more guidance. Another good point to have them on stand by, just in case. thankfully my doc is available for emergency appointments.
As for when it is…we have no specific date set. Just a goal to have it done before our oldest gets Facebook privileges back from the corps cadets. So, within the next few weeks. We want to talk to him before Valerie (my psycho stalker) can find him.
Diane-I am sorry for how your husband handled it. So selfish!! And yet, I’m not surprised, some of them are just that way. I’m also not surprised that your boys knew about the porn, I think one of mine does too. My heart breaks to read how your sons are almost siding with your ex. It just doesn’t seem right. You are in the process of making yourself whole and they should be sharing in your happiness, so I will share in it for you!!
ZG-I had written on my blog today that in the beginning, I wanted D to tell everyone about his addiction and his betrayal right after DDay but I’m so glad he didn’t. I’m so glad he has waiting until HE was ready and not when I thought I was ready, because truth be told, there was no way i could have handled all of that back then too.
Claire, You’re not a bitch at all!! You’re just gently reminding 🙂
Flora, If you don’t mind me asking – why did you explain and not your husband? Was he already out of the house?
Thank you all again!!
Love,
SSHa, Ha, Marie!
You always have a way of making me feel like a million bucks! What a nice quality you have! THANK YOU!!
Hi SS,
Well the h had wrote an email to his parents discussing all the details as i had requested that he tell his parents what was going on, i felt someone else needed to know, and i was tired of carrying the entire burden. Plus the disease thrives in secret. So he told them via email.In doing so at that time the main computer was the only computer in the house. At that time our google search would show whatever was cut and pasted (the h cut and pasted the email to each of his parents). So my younger daughter read the entire email, which was meant for his parents, via the google search bar. I asked her how much she read, first she said not much, then commented on some of the words etc. So i had to spill the beans, pretty much damage control at that point. The h of course was not home, and i had to do it myself (as usual).
We went to therapist as a group at a later date. I probably would have left out the porn part, however it was all over the email. So they knew.
I do think if you have children you must disclose to the kids at some point. I think it is necessary for their safety, as well as getting to the bottom of any details of exposure or anything else that may have been going on. So i think they need to know, so they know why mom and dad are off…or why there maybe turmoil in the house. They say that kids will often blame themsleves for the reason as to why mom and dad may be fighting..or whatever. And second fact finding. Have the kids been harmed in anyway.
Thats why and how for me!
Love,
FloraOh, I haven’t read everyone’s responses.
This is what I did and it seems to be okay. Both of my kids, despite their neurological differences have been absolutely PHENOMENAL and immensely supportive and believe me, they have been witnesses to a lot of my agony, but they took me into “their room” (yeah, they’ve always shared a lovely room that I decorated just for them, 13 years ago, kind poignant) 🙁
The older son, I left him a VM– which I know, is probably not recommended, HOWEVER, in my son’s case, it allowed him some time to process and then, we talked at length the following day and it was very good. He was at his camp job. He has been beyond AWESOME and even said that he hoped I would meet someone who truly loved me. amazing kid!
The younger son, was told with his social worker at his boarding school, and unfortunately, my fucktard, I meant, husband, wasn’t there. (what else is new?). That one, was very difficult, as I had to sit there and look at his sweet face take in that his father had done some sexually inappropriate behavior on the internet.
oh my…
PS: I told my dying MIL, the one I had to tell to go fuck herself on our honeymoon… and we’ve gotten along great since then. Well, she was very, very understanding too.
For all of this shit. Can I say that I’m blessed?
Good luck, SS, from what I’ve heard of your kids, you’ll be fine and so will they! Honesty is always the best policy IMO.
Its the secrets and lies that decimate.
Love ~ L
PS: I did find out that my older son had been exposed to his dad’s porn when he was 11. he’s getting help at his college and he’s back on meds again. xo
My husband told his son, who is 16, this summer while he was with us for a couple months. This was definitely a good age for him I think, even sooner might have been better since he has already started experimenting with porn. I think the danger of porn should be discussed with kids at the beginning of puberty, if not sooner. Unfortunately, they are exposed at such a young age. I have already talked to my eleven year old daughter about porn who saw a pop-up at my mom’s house of all places! At least she told us.
I think it is important for the addict to do the disclosure (IF he is willing and in recovery). Otherwise the responsibility may fall to you. 🙁 Keep it age appropriate, not to many details. I don’t there should be fear of using the term sex addiction, depending on age. Primary acting out behaviors should be shared, but in general terms, such as “I cheated on your mother (even kids know what the term cheated means), I have struggled with pornography, compulsive masturbation…”. It is important to include how this has damaged his life, what he is doing for recovery, and that they should always feel comfortable to come to him, or you, if they find themselves dealing with any of these issues. Also they should be asked if they have any questions and told if they don’t, they are free to ask later if any questions come up for them. Jeff has said if he had been able to go to his dad about this it would have helped him so much, but even though he believes his dad may also be a sex addict, he was rejected and told that he was just making excuses. While I am sure some do use SA as an excuse, it is sad that so many peope are still so naive or stubborn about the fact that this is a very real addiction. As Carnes pointed out, we would rather make fun of celebrities who are sick in this way, rather than consider the pain they and their families are experiencing.
Some good points Jenniefer Schneider makes about disclosing to kids are that they will show you when they are ready and how much they can handle (my daughter did this) by how they react to small amounts of info for example, they are already aware something is wrong and deserve some sort of explanation, and “disclosure to children is not just a matter of having one little talk and it’s over. Rather, it becomes an ongoing process requiring many discussions.”
Here is a link to her entire research article. Very good info. http://www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/disclosure_to_children.html
ZG, of course it’s tough. I think it is for all of us, although it’s different for everyone, depending on the situtation. I imagine it’s hardest for those whose husband’s are not in recovery. We struggled about how much to say and when, especially considering our work, making it more likely for her to figure things out. H is a Daddy’s girl and Jeff was terrified of ruining that. She now knows a little (that he used to struggle with porn and he has cheated on me), but changed the subject and showed us she wasn’t ready for more. She seemed fine about it though. I had been preparing her for about a year, though, discussing how men think so differently from women and how they stuggle with lust etc. I HATE that I have to teach my daughter that, but I want to prepare her for real life. I don’t want that to come as a shock to her, like it did me, when she learns the way men think… most all men, not just SA.
My step-son didn’t have much of a reaction. Jeff told him a little over Christmas break, but didn’t use the term SA. This summer he did. Both times my step-son didn’t say much. The kids relationship with their dad hasn’t changed at all. That’s one reason why I think telling them at a fairly young age is a good thing. Also depends on level of maturity. I do wonder if this will come up again and especially our daughter may get mad at him as she gets older and starts to really get what this means and the severity of it (She does know what sex is. Rather her hear it from me than get wrong info from friends). But I think him having a long time of recovery will make a difference in how she handles this knowledge over the years.
It’s tough, no doubt. We were both terrified about it, but for us, so far, it has turned out to be relatively painless.
Great points everyone!! I DID think of a couple of other things. In my situation, (now that Marie has pointed this out), I think it helped alot that my son and I have always been very close and the fact that he has always been one of those “old souls”, like at least 5 years ahead of his time probably starting around age 5…. Almost like a little adult most the time, instead of a kid, which sounds kind of weird, but that’s just the way he was. And for us, (Sam and I), it may have been a little different type environment in our household, because I was his Mom and SA was the “stepdad”. I know and have admired many relationships involving step parents, where they end up loving the kid as their own! I think that is so awesome! Unfortunately, was never the case at our house and it’s too damn bad because SA really missed out on the opportunity to be involved in a wonderful child’s life. Sigh… But he was always SO WEIRD, and such a grouch on a regular basis, (to both of us) that I think it actually brought Sam and I even closer! We would just leave and talk about what a jackass SA was and then drop it and go have a good time together… Even if it was just at the grocery. 🙂 And, because of Sam’s maturity, we always talked about so many adult things, including my husband, but lots of other stuff too, and for those of you with younger kids, I really encourage this! Sam knows (and has always known) that he can tell me ANYTHiNG!! I feel like that is my biggest success as a parent! It seems like once you have established THAT between you and your kids – all the rest kinda falls into place. (At least it did for me).
Am I getting off the subject??
My point being, I guess, that the better communication rapport you have with your kids- the easier this may be! We all want to protect our kids from all the yukky stuff out there in this big. bad, world, but candy coating everything is not realistic and doesn’t do them any favors in the long run. (One day soon they will be out there navigating on their own)…Might as well know the good, bad, and ugly!!
My other thought about how my son has came out of this whole thing in good shape is this:
Fortunately, divorce in his families (both sides) is very rare. This includes grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, etc. Also, many of his friend’s parents are still together! I think that has made a big difference! He has witnessed many great relationships and marriages and he knows exactly what he WANTS out of life and unfortunately at my expense, exactly what he DOESN’T! So, it keeps me sane and makes me feel a little less guilty about everything, because even though I stuck it out with SA for waaaay too long (not knowing about SA, but knowing he was an asshole) Sam understands why I stayed and also why I must go. It really IS a timing thing.
I know this comment was specifically about me, my son, and our SA (ugh!) but I’m hoping that maybe someone can take a thing or two that I have said and relate it to their own family and experiences, perhaps in a way that might help, or at least make you feel a little better about disclosure. As JoAnn just said to me the other day – “Our children are our touchstone to our hearts”. How true! And of course we always want to get it right the first time! But life is not fair and loves to throw us curve balls as we all know too well! All we can do is our best, with the best interest of our kids at all times! I have a pretty good idea that each of you have some pretty awesome kids and I base that on YOU and what I know of each of you so far…. Which is nothing short of beautiful and wonderful! Your kids are very lucky and I have a feeling they will be just fine!!!
XOXOXO!!!!
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