- This topic has 71 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 12 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I also reported to the Alabama State Board of Medical Licensure today that he’s back in town. He was investigated before for inappropriate relationships with the mothers of his pediatric patients. I found emails myself between he and a peds mother that were very inappropriate a few years ago. I think with his history and his recent behaviors I have an obligation to give them a heads up and keep him in their radar. I felt almost guilty at first but then realized my god how many people does he con all the time? I hope they catch him at it.
You never know it all.
I said that to my SA, at Christmas when I showed him what new stuff I’d seen from April 2012, and he thought I knew more and said his last ‘slip” was in September 2012. “I’m sure I’ll never know it all.” He actually looked sick and sat down when I said that. Considering what I DO KNOW, that’s a really, really, really scary thing. If, in comparison to what I’ve seen, it can make him actually turn white and sit down. I certainly don’t want to know. I can hardly sleep without meds as it is, still.
Disclosure Nov 2011 was indeed a traumatic experience for me. First one he minimized and called his contacts to whores “updates to my friends” and completely neglected mentioning any and all porn use, sexting, webcam usage, etc. The second “try” a few weeks later, he showed up with a 140 page typed document that he flipped through and read “excerpts” from at leisure, ticking away our appointment time, but refused to let me see. I left, saying I wouldn’t be mocked that way, and the CSAT said he supported me in that assessment. The counselor called and tried to schedule a third disclosure. I told him forget it, I was through being abused in quise of therapy. So, my SA did his own third “disclosure”, he threw that document at me in a rage and said “Keep it if you want to know so much.” I know now that, 140 pages, was just the tip of the iceberg. More like the front gate to hell. NOW, I know my SA is really off the charts perverted and deceitful and sadistic so I don’t consider myself a good example of anything here, except a woman who is trying like hell to get her life back after the destruction.
The most awful stuff, he didn’t disclose in ANY way. It appears he even edited it out of his journals. He lost his job and since he had been using the biometrically passcoded laptop they gave him for his favorite torture porn, he had to transfer it to safety in way nobody would suspect. (Mind you, he was supposedly 5 months into recovery, and had worked “successfully” for 4 months with a highly respected CSAT who even had his own weekly talk show for people in recovery. My SA likes people with celebrity, he likes to ride on their coattails.) It was on my phone. Yep, my phone. I saw it when trying to show my counselor photos I had taken of a painting I was doing as a recovery exercise. Ooops.
I asked about that kind of thing in my questions for (all) disclosures, and in the polygraph. He denied it 100%. He passed the poly.
Disclosure, you’ll never know it all. If the information is not admissible in court for a tidy sum or to prove fault, I’d just skip it. You know you can’t trust them already. Do you really want that ugliness in your head. Believe me, some things you just couldn’t imagine and surely wouldn’t want to. A Saw movie is gentler.
But, some ladies what to know what they’re up against. What Bev said applies. What you will learn is what they WANT you to THINK you are up against. Some argue that it helps some people feel they can have a fresh start. I don’t know why, but that’s how they feel. I think it’s that the SAs want us to believe ALL THAT is behind us. I know I’ve heard that over and over and over. While ALL THAT is still same as ever.
My take on disclosure is that if you’ve already decided the relationship is beyond salvaging, or, like in Bev’s case, feel that you know all you need to know, there’s no point on dredging up all that painful crap. But if you feel that you may be able to continue on with the relationship, it’s important for the SA to face what he’s done and the damage his actions have caused through disclosure in a controlled environment. Personally, I am less interested in the details – I already know he’s had sexual contact with multiple people, than with him owning up to the devastation he’s caused and having to listen to me recount the cost I have paid for his “escapades.”
Of course, I’m saying this BEFORE my disclosure! Who knows how I will feel after it occurs. This another one of those areas that is highly individual. For me, it is necessary to have some sort of context or timeline as to when this shit storm started so I can try to fit it into the story of my life. I know I won’t get everything; that’s okay. I just what some idea of the historical context.
Im thinking of hiring a private detective to get the real story on what’s going on down there. I initially thought no I’ve heard enough and don’t want to know. But now Im thinking if I’m going to divorce with fault and hes refusing to tell me anything, maybe it might be worthwhile? Maybe there are several….Im thinking now maybe the more I know the sooner I’ll be done with him emotionally and mentally.
bsigrest, I didn’t hire a detective. I was my own detective. I went through piles and piles of financial statements and figured out my husband spent $200k on this junk. In most community property states, I believe the money is considered a waste claim against the community property. As long as I can prove the money missing, I will get this $ in divorce.
I had a disclosure after I figured a lot out about what happened. The disclosure was a HUGE turning point in my husband’s life. His counselor had him sit with the information for a month, knowing he would have to tell me all this stuff, because frankly I’d already figured out the gist of what went on. Husband had to look at who he’d become. Minimizing disappeared. Very powerful stuff these disclosures, if the counselor handles things correctly.
I think a PI is a great idea. Get everything you can on him and then nail him with it. And Hell yeah- give it to the Alabama medical board.
I hired the PI because with my H’s job there was NO way to track him. The PI was worth every penny. I had already uncovered tons thru credit cards but I needed the whole ball of wax. I got it.
My husband has a job like that, Bev. If he wasn’t such an idiot- he could have gone to the grave with his cake eating and still had his happy little family. I would never have known.
bsigrest,
Who initially reported your H to the Medical Board? That’s a card that I have up my sleeve with my STBX- I have inappropriate Facebook messages with a patient that he also met secretly at a hotel. I would like him working and making money, so I haven’t used it, but I will if I have to. So I am interested in your experience with that.
I’m going to have to go back and read your story. I have some experience with a PI. Do your research and get someone reputable- I think Bev knows the name of a nationwide agency? A friend of mine hired one that has been giving him a hard time about actually producing he report after he paid the PI for it.
The sex therapist I saw said full disclosure was not necessary. To know all of the events and detail would be too traumatic and I knew enough about what was going on and how far back to understand the problem. How much do you have to know anyway? There is sometimes a morbid fascination bubbling away in me that needs to know more. What I did want to know was every detail of the whore he had the brief affair with. I had to know EVERY time they met, where it was and when they had sex, what they talked about etc etc. There was something in me that wanted to make sure that she didn’t know something I didn’t.
Unless something illegal is a possibility then I don’t think there is anything gained from a full disclosure. The only one who has any possibility of feeling better is the SA after they have got things off their chest.I don’t know who reported him the first time, it was about 2 years before we were married and during a time we were separated. But I can tell you one of the people they interviewed who ruined the whole investigation by telling him: ME…..): I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe it…….they were watching him and ready to bust him….why didn’t I wait and see? why didn’t I wait and see the truth?????? I didn’t believe it. Then I married the damn fool….In med school, he was my mentor, my pediatrics instructor. I idealized him. Ive never been able to shake off the first impressions I’ve had of him. Like that was the real him and this other him just comes out when I’m screwing up…..I wanted that first him so bad. I gave up an OB residency for him, then later my EM residency 6 months into it because he wouldn’t pick up our mortgage payments like he promised, he wanted to do another year of his fellowship. I promise you I’m not as big of an idiot as I sound, maybe I am, but at least I never got fired, I still have a job, I’m still working in the ER like I love, I’m respected by my colleagues (who have no idea what an idiot I have been). Ive just gathered a lot of experience by quitting and following, quitting and following while he gets fired. When I told him this time I couldn’t quit my job, he threw a glass of water in my face. Then he went on down to Alabama (with his new Rx of Viagra) and in record time has seemed to have completely forgotten he is still married, and so has his family. Sorry, I digress, I’m still obsessing….
But reporting physician behavior as serious as SA – even viagra-assisted SA, is encouraged and you are kept anonymous. I think it was the right thing for me to do, finally. All you do is go to your state’s Board of Medicine website and look for the link to file a complaint.
I’d be wowed if the woman he is fcuking now is a peds mother – probably a married peds mother like the last one….he is desperate for me not to know any more than I do. Hence the cold stranger texting, demands for a quickie divorce, refusal to talk to me….I thinking more and more the detective might be a good move…
Barb I’m so pleased you have your career and a job you love. I’m so sure you will get through this and move on to find happiness. I’m pleased you reported him. You did the right thing. He is a creep and you have just thrown the water back in his face xo
If he had just been human to me, if he had just been kind, I probably would have just done the no fault quickie like he wanted….and I would have never known….ignorant bliss….I was ready to part ways with him this time but I didn’t want drama and I didn’t want to feel regret or guilt, I just wanted to inch away. I was okay until the texts starting coming. He was so cold and brutal it was if his mind had completely erased me as a person he had just claimed to love and wanted with him. It really creeped me out. Then he would send texts like “as long as you don’t do anything to hurt me or my family”…..really????? He has so completely villanized me he believes it himself….. it was all this weirdness that made me realize something else was going on…..I would have never known….
Im actually thinking about just packing it up and joining up with Doctors Across Borders – doesn’t seem like my kids are going to miss me much – I would imagine they would welcome an experienced ED doc…. its just so hard to stay here in this city and everytime I go outside and see where I am, I remember why Im here, the only reason why I came here, and now that I’m here alone….and I freak….
I have wondered if maybe he didn’t do it all this way – with the weird cold texting and evasiveness, because he knew it would hurt me more. That in the end, he would get his final parting spit on me. That he thought I was being too calm and not sad enough when he left. Then he maximizes my devastated reaction by talking to me as if I would be some kind of raging maniac stalker. I’m sure that is fun to discuss with his new girlfriend, makes him feel so valuable…it is making me crazy, but I only feel like beating myself up…
- The forum ‘Relationships’ is closed to new topics and replies.